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People Who Are on the Amtrak at 6:55am Going to New York City

I am on the Amtrak at 6:55am going to New York City. I think we can all agree that’s hellaciously early. FINE, not all of you can agree with that. Some of you get up that early daily for whatever reason. Milking cows, maybe. Going to school or work. Tending to children.

Me, I get up between 6 and 6:30 every morning, and when I can, I sleep later. I don’t like waking up early. Never have. Left to my own devices, my internal clock wants me to sleep from about 1am to 9am daily. Unfortunately, this is not how the world works, so I’m forced to work against what I was given at birth. Yawn.

However, there are advantages to taking the train this early in the morning. You get to see all sorts of people.

What sorts of people, you might ask?

Well, it’s nice you asked, because I will TELL you.

THE PEOPLE YOU SEE ON AN EARLY-MORNING AMTRAK TO THE CITY

  • LOUD BUSINESSMAN – Loud Businessman is very important. He also wants to make sure you know just HOW important. So he gets on his cell phone the minute he enters the station and doesn’t get off until…well, I don’t think he gets off ever. As we speak, Loud Businessman is on his cell phone berating someone. “I WILL BE THERE IN A COUPLE OF HOURS! THAT CAN WAIT TIL I ARRIVE! NO, DO NOT SELL ALL THE ORANGE JUICE SHARES!” (I made that part up for those of you who love Trading Places as much as I do.) “THOSE WERE ON THE DESK, CHECK THE DESK! BUY BUY BUY! SELL SELL SELL! I AM IMPORTANT! ARE YOU THERE?! ARE YOU *THERE!?!?!?!*” It’s Loud Businessman’s world. We just live in it, and are forced to be in his earspace.

    MUY IMPORTANTE!

    MUY IMPORTANTE!

  • GUY WITH THE CROUP – it is a little-known fact that, no matter where I sit, I will end up next to someone with some sort of wasting disease. Right in back of me is someone who is hacking up a lung. I am breathing his air, therefore, in 24-48 hours, I will probably have TB and have to go to a sanitorium. That’ll be fun, right? Right. (Also, if you’re on public transportion, it’s nice to cover your mouth when you cough. Just saying.) Also, update, he is now sneezing repeatedly, and seems to be purposely doing it in the space between the seats so it showers me. How thoughtful.

    "Hmm. 104 degrees. I think I'll go on mass transportation."

    “Hmm. 104 degrees. I think I’ll go on mass transportation.”

  • GUY WHO IS RAPPING – there’s a guy who’s listening to music and he’s totally rocking out and every once and a while comes out with some rap lyrics ALMOST under his breath, but not quite. He’s actually not as bothersome as the other two people. He’s at least TRYING to be quiet. Whenever he bursts out into song, he looks really embarrassed about it. I get it. Sometimes I can’t control the mad beatz in my head, either, yo.
  • WOMAN WHO I THINK IS POSSIBLY CRAZY – luckily, she ended up in another car, but in the station, there was a woman who was ducking and weaving and talking to herself and batting at invisible flies. Now, listen, I am used to this on public transportation because I was without a car for years (and people with mental problems are drawn to me – I think I project a safe vibe or something, or maybe they think I’m a kindred soul.) But Amtrak is kind of pricey. So really crazy people aren’t always on it. So, I guess congrats, crazy lady, for having enough money for nice transportation?
  • PEOPLE WHO THINK GETTING ON/OFF THE TRAIN TWO SECONDS BEFORE EVERYONE ELSE WILL GIVE THEM A MAGIC SEAT – people will seriously cut a bitch to get in line here on Amtrak. Thing is, if a train’s crowded, getting on early doesn’t make you any more apt to get a window seat than someone who got on later. Everyone wants a window seat; if the train comes from somewhere else, those window seats are probably all taken, and you’re sitting on the aisle. End of story. Please don’t shove. It’s so early in the morning. My reflexes aren’t even kicked in yet. I’m going to go over like a ninepin.
  • PEOPLE EATING SMELLY FOODS – there is always at least one person eating something fishy, spicy, sour, or fermented. I guarantee you this. Isn’t rule #1 of being a human being not to eat something that’s fragrant around other humans in a confined space? Because I don’t know about you, but I don’t like gagging on your scents for an entire train trip. Bad enough that I can smell the bathroom from where I’m sitting. Blergh.
  • SOMEONE WHO IS SNORING LOUDLY – listen, on the second train, that’s going to be me. I’m exhausted, and the gentle motion of the train makes me sleepy. The last long-distance train I took, I conked out about ten minutes in. I woke up and the WHOLE TRAIN CAR was GLARING at me. My throat hurt, which means I was snoring. (Or maybe sleep-talking; I do that, too.) I was all, “mutter mutter sorry” and then read for the rest of the trip. Can’t help it, folks, blame Amy’s Dad; that’s where the snoring gene comes from. I know it’s unsexy and unladylike. Can’t even help it.

Getting sleepy, jellybeans. Think I’ll try for a little shuteye. Think Loud Businessman can compete with my snoring?

Let’s find out, shall we?

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

18 responses to “People Who Are on the Amtrak at 6:55am Going to New York City

  • cynthiaw

    Ugh…. LOUD BUSINESSMAN is the WORST – I’ll take rapping and/or crazy people over self-important loud douches any day. The only thing less desirable – being given the plague by some sick asshole who should have stayed home or sitting next to someone who doesn’t believe in deodorant.

    Snoring people are okay because it isn’t their fault – just poke them. Well, maybe not – I don’t know if that will get you punched in NY or not.

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    • lucysfootball

      I’m the snoring person! (No one’s ever poked me, but if they were to poke me, I’d be ok with it. I deserve it. I’m obnoxiously loud.)

      The loud people on cell phones are terrible. It amazes me that they have no consideration for anyone around them. WE CAN ALL HEAR YOU!!!

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      • cynthiaw

        I sometimes keep a loud, obnoxious running commentary about their conversation. If someone complains about it, I usually say “sorry, I thought your conversation was for all of us since you’re having it so loudly”.

        My husband makes me stop if he’s around.

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  • emuse

    If there is a dining car, go there. If there is a beautiful viewing car, as there is going across country, definitely go there. And before you go, ask to be assigned next to the largest person on the train. So when you get up to live in the beautiful viewing car, they get to be comfortable and they don’t have to deal with rude jerks.

    This is how I work the train. And it is awesome, every time.

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    • lucysfootball

      There was a dining car, but you could only sit in there with a reservation, apparently (and I was only on the train long enough to hear tales of the dining car, not enjoy it.) I don’t think there was a viewing car, though – the train only went to Florida, so maybe that’s only for cross-country trains?

      As much as I complain, I do love the train, though. By far a better experience than any plane I’ve ever been on, and I get to use my phone the whole way. Total win.

      Like

  • elaine4queen

    And all of these MOFOs are wearing strong deodorant or perfume, just to add to the vomit/migraine factor. I don’t even like to get a train less than an hour after crush hour.

    I revel in waking up early, but it’s on the strict understanding that I don’t HAVE to do anything for several hours.

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    • lucysfootball

      There luckily was no strong perfume or deodorant (or lack thereof) yesterday. But there’s always the trip home to look forward to!

      I’m terrible at waking up early. I’ve never been good at it, not even when I was young. I’m a night owl, for sure.

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  • The Waiting

    I used to take the Amtrak all the time when I lived in Chicago, and every single one of these is dead on. People are so aggressive about getting on the train first! I kind of get that, though, because have you ever had to sit downwind of the Amtrak bathroom? BRUTAL.

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    • lucysfootball

      The bathroom was fine for the first…um…five minutes? But then? WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE. Why can’t you hit the toilet? I know. The train’s bumpy. But seriously, PUT THE PEE IN THE HOLE. It’s not so hard!!! Urgh. So icky.

      Like

      • cynthiaw

        Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh… seriously – sit the fuck DOWN on the seat if you can hit a moving target. Really – no one will know that you sat down on the toilet, but everyone will know if you piss all over the bathroom.

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  • innyganker

    Haha, funny thing is here those are ALL do’s on an Indian train. Push or be pushed under (even tho it is assigned seating in most of the cars), ALL the food smells strongly, all Indians are half deaf so they have to yell even when just talking to each other. The only difference is no one even tries to keep the music down. Chances are, it is turned up on purpose with no head phones for all to enjoy!

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    • lucysfootball

      The only knowledge I have of the train situation in India is from “The Amazing Race” (I don’t watch a lot of reality TV, but I love seeing other places so I watch that one religiously) and the first time they went to India and got on a train I realized I could NEVER go to India. I would have such a panic attack being crushed in with all those people like that. I have such personal space issues, and those cars were so crowded! *shudder*

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  • becomingcliche

    Yeah, someone in my car kept singing loudly and very off-key. Oh, yeah. That was me.

    I hope your return journey is much, much more comfortable!

    Like

  • Aussa Lorens

    Love the comment about getting TB– I took a lot of public transport in China and SE Asia and they will seriously sit there and blow their nose then *flick* it onto the ground. Kill me.

    Like

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