An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 27)

Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:

Here we are in September. It is officially fall as of 4:00ish on Sunday; it actually FEELS like fall now. It’s LOVELY. It’s becoming sweater-weather. It’s so cool I’ve actually had to close all but one of the windows in my place and had a shiver earlier today when I went out. I LOVE THIS. This weather is so brief every year that I have to grab it with both hands and wrestle it to the ground when it happens. I just loll around in this weather for the month or so that we have it. It’s LOVELY. *happy sigh*

So, just in case you’re new, let me catch you up on this recurring post. I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (as you can see, this is the 27th one. I’ve been doing this for a LOOOONG time. If you’re interested, search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? Well, that’s a rude question. Why do YOU do that…um…thing…you do? I ask you THAT, my friend! Ha HA!

This month we had a lot of nonsense and very few questions so we’re doing this all one one day, and we’re not doing categories, we’re doing one loooong list. Sometimes you gotta shake things up, kiddos. Like martinis and that thing that makes ice cream that you kick around when you go camping. Oh, and also maracas. Olé!

Are you ready for some foooootball? Or at least some foooootball search terms? Thought so. Or else why would you be here? That’d be weird.

can’t pee in this Um. Can’t pee in WHAT? There are a LOT of things you can’t pee in. Like, a LOT. The list of things you CAN pee in is like, pretty specific. Please only pee in specifically designated peeing containers. Otherwise, gross-times, you guys. We can’t all be peeing willy-nilly. It’d just be urinary chaos.

be careful bitch YOU be careful, rude. Who the hell searches such a thing? A., I hate people using this term in this sense, and B., don’t you even tell me to be careful, I’ll punch you in the uvula.

can smell banana but have no bananas in the house? ghost The best part of this? the “ghost” tacked onto the end. Weird smell of bananas? MUST be a ghost. Can’t be anything else. GHOST GHOST GHOST! (Also, total side note, but MAN do I hate the smell of bananas. The fake smell, anyway. Real bananas? Totally cool with that. But, like, banana candy, or pudding, or something? Totally makes my head start to hurt. HATE.)

OMG GAG.

OMG GAG.

criteria for unfriending facebook friends Dude, you need to set your own criteria. The interwebs can’t help you with this. You need to decide whether or not you want to unfriend people, and then, what will be the reason for that unfriending. Constant vaguebooking? Starting drama? Being that one person who writes a negative comment every time you post something? Writing weird statuses? Repeatedly putting up either photos of mutilated puppies or those “repost if you really CARE about CANCER” things? Bad grammar? See, here’s the thing. Most people don’t, I can’t imagine, anyway, unfriend anyone. The number of friends on most people’s friend lists over there is totally cuckoo-bananas. Me, if people REALLY annoy me, and I know it won’t hurt their feelings, I unfriend them. But mostly I just block all but their “important” posts. That way their feelings don’t get hurt (because I’m totally picky about who I friend, anyway) and I don’t have to have my feed all clogged up with garbage. So I’m probably seeing updates from about half of the people I’m actually friends with on Facebook. I’m totally cool with this.

facebook keeps sending me “do you know this person” of my ex Well, that’s the suck. You can block him/her, you know. Go into the block page and block them. He/she can’t see you, you can’t see them, and they won’t show up there anymore. Unless (and I suspect this is the case) you like to stalk them over there once and a while? Then don’t block them. Because you won’t be able to do that anymore. They’ll be invisible to you from then on out. (I’ve totally blocked a handful of people. I don’t want them to know I exist, and I don’t want the temptation to stalk what I can see on their pages. You know that “peek not at a keyhole, lest ye be vexed” saying? I try VERY HARD to live my life by this. I have never in my life peeked at something I shouldn’t and left happy and fulfilled. Sometimes I can’t stop my curiosity…and then I always hate myself for it. So I try very, very hard not to even look. There’s a reason I avoid these people, and it’s because they emit a poison cloud of hatred that upsets me for DAYS.)

filling sex doll with water Um. I don’t…this seems like a terrible, terrible idea? I don’t think that’s what they’re for. They’re not squirt guns. (Heh. That’s a very good euphemism for a sex doll.) I would think you’d fill it with water, then you’d be pumping away and it’d be sloshing and then…well, there’d be a flood, and not the kind you wanted when you started up with your squishy water-logged sex doll. Cut that out, weirdo, you’re just going to lose your security deposit.

Here's a sex doll under a tablecloth that looks shocked. YOU ARE WELCOME!

Here’s a sex doll under a tablecloth that looks shocked. YOU ARE WELCOME!

free erotic stories from georgian to victorian era girls tricked into bawdy houses Hee, “bawdy houses.” And goodness gracious, you wouldn’t want to PAY for this type of super-classy erotica! I have to say I like how specific this is. This person knows EXACTLY what turns ’em on, and nothing else will do. You go, buddy, you go.

gender roles in the owl and the pussycat Well, THIS is a classier search than I usually get. I feel like this person made a HUGE mistake. I just re-read “The Owl and the Pussycat” and there aren’t really gender roles to talk about. I think (but am not sure) that the Owl is the male and the Pussycat is the female. They get married (which is odd, but I do love a good interspecies friendship) and part of their wedding feast is eaten from a “runcible spoon” which is a VERY good phrase. I suppose if you wanted to get all gender-roley about it you COULD, but it’d be a stretch. But anything’s possible, my friends, if you only BELIEVE.

guy i like on people you may know Aw, this is adorable. If you like him, SEND HIM A FRIEND REQUEST, dummy. This is not difficult. I know. Romance is a scary wasteland of killer clowns and nightmare times, but sometimes you have to take the plunge. Then you usually get water all up your nose and say never again, but at least you tried. AT LEAST YOU TRIED!

i’m calm one second but i get a panic attack the next, what’s wrong with me You probably have anxiety? Go talk to your doctor. They’ll probably give you pills. There are SO MANY PILLS for this now. I don’t know if they work, but I have friends that assure me they do. Go talk to someone, my precious popover, don’t live like that. I tell you from experience? Not at all a way to live.

is amy a name for ecstasy Good grief, I hope not. According to a very weird site I found online that seems to be for parents checking up on their kids and is written like a narc wrote it, the nicknames are: X, E, XTC, Adam, Beans, Candy, Dancing Shoes, Disco Biscuits, Doves, E-bomb, Egg Rolls, Happy Pill, Hug Drug, Love Drug, Malcolm (or Malcolm X), Scooby Snacks, Smartees, Sweets, Skittles, Thizz, Vitamin E or Vitamin X, and Vowels. THESE ARE TOO MANY NAMES. Man, am I glad when I was a kid pretty much you smoked weed and that was it. And the only nickname for it was, well, “weed.” Also, I totally want to walk up to some kid and be all, “Hey, kiddo, got any Disco Biscuits?” and watch them laugh themselves into a hernia.

OMG I FOUND SOME DISCO BISCUITS. These look like Flintstones vitamins.

OMG I FOUND SOME DISCO BISCUITS. These look like Flintstones vitamins.

love ignores common sesne SESNE! Sesne is a very good word. And, yes. Love totally ignores common sesne. All the damn time. Love tells you all KINDS of stupid things, and, even worse? YOU LISTEN TO THEM. And think they’re NORMAL. It’s ridiculous, love is. But, much like Disco Biscuits, it keeps you coming back for more. Damn that Love Drug.

meangirls milking I like to imagine this. These mean girls milking all roughly and rolling their eyes and stomping around. “UGH, MILKING, IT IS THE WORST.” What I CAN’T imagine is why someone would search such a thing, and then I think “it is probably about porn” and I get the shivers.

This is the meanest girl I could find. Also, don't even Google search "milkmaid," 'cause it's all porn, yo.

This is the meanest girl I could find. Also, don’t even Google search “milkmaid,” ’cause it’s all porn, yo.

minions ooh ahh Hee! OOH AHH! I think this is about the minions from Despicable Me? I love those minions. I loved the whole damn movie, but those minions, man. They were ADORABLE. I want some minions. I would be nice to them and they could bring me cake and beverages and play with Dumbcat!

I WANT ONE!

I WANT ONE!

never trust a man named… Named WHAT? This is totally curious. I wouldn’t trust a guy named Stabby. Or Stinky. Or probably One-Armed Jimbo the Murderin’ Hobo. But otherwise, it’s not fair to judge a man based on his name. It’s not his fault he has that name. It’s his parents’ fault. I mean, I didn’t want to be Amy, but it’s not like my parents waited until I was old enough to decide for myself. That’s not a thing that can happen. What would you call your kid while you waited, Blob? Unnamed Thingy? No. You can’t do that.

nude penisman from hot continent pics PENISMAN! Not JUST a penisman. A NUDE one! Well, that’s the best kind, really. And from a hot continent! No need for anyone from Greenland to apply for this position, no no no!

oh ja das ist gut so Well, this is handy, because I can translate like three things in German, and this is one of them. So yes, this is good. This is VERY good, my lost German friend. Danke schön.

silence is the same as lying Well, I suppose in some cases it is. But sometimes it’s just silence. Don’t read too much into shit, you know? Sometimes it’s just being tactful, and sometimes it’s just not saying things because you know it’s for the best to keep them in your secret heart. It’s not always lying. It’s sometimes just silence for the best of the silence. I’m a big proponent of not lying, if I can help it. However, I’m a big proponent of tactful silence.

sylar’s look Do we think this means his OVERALL look, or like his GLOWERING SEXY look? Both are Amy-approved.

SIGH. Even when this show got stupid, I kept watching it for Sylar.

SIGH. Even when this show got stupid, I kept watching it for Sylar.

the langoliers cousin balki gets eaten OMG THIS IS TOTALLY WHAT I CALL THIS MOVIE. No, sincerely. I call it “The Langoliers. You know, where Cousin Balki gets eaten by balls of gnashy teeth and hair in the sky.” (This movie made me laugh so hard I almost peed.)

LOOK OUT COUSIN BALKI! HERE COME THE BALLS OF TEETH AND HAIR!

LOOK OUT COUSIN BALKI! HERE COME THE BALLS OF TEETH AND HAIR! IT IS NOT TIME TO DO THE DANCE OF JOY!

this is totally insane why can’t i will how long do i have to search YES YES YES. Best search term EVER. This is a search term by someone who is SO FRUSTRATED BY GOOGLE that instead of searching, they just TYPED THEIR FRUSTRATION INTO THE SEARCH BOX. This is awesome. Sincerely awesome. I love it the most.

what does it mean when you cry, scream and go off at people for no reason and sometimes go for walks far away and just sit there and cry and you feel like everyone’s out to get you Oh. Um. I think it means you need to get some help? It could be a lot of things, hon. Like, a whole list of mental illnesses. You need to talk to someone. Please do that. Don’t waste time searching it in Google. Go talk to your GP, and they’ll either refer you to someone else, or they’ll give you some medication. Sincerely. Do this for yourself, ok? I know how hard it is to live with a head that feels like it’s full of bees.

what people think about autumn Well, the very best people love it. Like, LOVE it. Revel in it. Just twirl around all energized by the cool weather and the smell of burning leaves and the scent of winter just on the horizon. I couldn’t love this time of year more if I tried. It makes me so happy. I suppose there are some people that hate it because it means it’s almost time for winter or whatever, but for me? This is utter perfection.

Sigh. This is my time of year. Just for me.

Sigh. This is my time of year. Just for me.

when you block people on facebook but keep mutual friends OK. I’ll explain this again. If you block someone on Facebook, they can’t see you and you can’t see them. I believe they can still see you if you still play games together, or in certain apps, but elsewhere, it’s like the two of you don’t exist to one another. You can hold a conversation on a mutual friend’s page, and to the person you blocked, it looks like that person is talking to him- or herself. You are INVISIBLE to each other. It is how blocking works. It is your only option when you want to stay on Facebook but you can’t deal with seeing someone on there who is purely evil. Like, if evil blood runs through their evil veins. I mean. Hypothetically. Of course. Not that I know anyone like this. Ahem.

why is telling you what to do and what to wear bullying? Is this a serious question? If someone’s telling you what to do and what to wear, they’re ignoring you, and your feelings, and what you want. They’re bullying you into doing what they think is best, either for you, or for them, or just on a whim or whatever the hell. No one has the right to tell you what to do and what to wear unless you’re in something like military school. Or they’re your parents, I suppose, and you’re underage. Tell the bullies to back the hell off; do and wear what YOU like. I insist. As someone who WAS bullied, I absolutely insist. It’s time we send the bullies back to the dark corners where they belong.

There you go, my candy corn cupcakes. (By the way, were you aware that Reese’s pumpkins are back on the shelves? YOU ARE WELCOME. Go nom. Your mouth will thank you. Unless you’re allergic to peanuts. Then probably don’t do that. Or you will die to death.)

SIGH SIGH SIGH

SIGH SIGH SIGH

Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.

Love, Me.

(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

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