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Do you think the internet has an Outrage button like Staples’ Easy button? BOOP! OUTRAGED!

Apparently my outrage button was broken over the past couple of weeks.

The internet has been ALL KINDS OF OUTRAGED lately. I mean, it usually is? Don’t get me wrong. The internet is always a little bit up-in-arms about something. I don’t know if we’d recognize it if it wasn’t. It’s actually ironic Dad thinks so little of the internet, as he (and his RIGHTEOUS CONSTANT FURY) would fit right in. He’d troll comment-boards with the best of ‘em. HE WOULD USE MANY ALL-CAPS!

But the two biggest outrages that happened (well, they’re not the “biggest” but they seemed to take up the biggest amount of Twitter/Facebook real estate)? I tried very hard to be outraged by them and just wasn’t. OK, fine. I didn’t try very hard. I think you’re either outraged, or you’re not.

So either I’m mellowing in my old age, or my outrage button has gotten worn out with the constant pushery. That may or may not be a euphemism; take it as you will.

Who can guess the two biggest outrage OUTRAGE WE ARE OUTRAGED! outrages that have been all over the interwebs in the last couple of weeks? Anyone? I mean, you won’t win a prize, or anything, but you can say you guessed correctly. I’ll give you bragging rights. I have no way to prove you right or wrong. And honestly, it seems like a silly thing to lie about.

If you guessed one of the things was the Miley Cyrus debacle, YOU ARE CORRECT.

I went days without watching this. Why? I didn’t care. (I still don’t. Not much at all.) I am old enough that Miley Cyrus and her ilk hold very little interest for me. She’s some Disney chick who’s trying to be a legitimate singer now, yeah? OK. Fine. Whatever.

Then sj was all, “Oh, just WATCH IT” and I was like “FINE I WILL” and she said, “Also watch the new Lady Gaga video” and that I gladly did, because that woman makes me happy. She is the best kind of kooky. And that new video is OFF THE HOOK. At one point she’s like a swan-thing. It’s INSANE and I LOVE it.

So I watched the Miley Cyrus video. OK, well, it’s not a VIDEO, it’s a clip from the MTV music awards. I like how MTV pretends it’s still relevant musically. That’s so cute of them.

I would show you a video of this, but there are none on the YouTubez. Just do a search, if you haven’t seen it. I’m sure you have. EVERYONE has.

Here were my thoughts while I was watching this.

  • Those teddy bear costumes look hot. I mean, WARM-hot, not sexxxxy-hot.
  • Why is Miley Cyrus sticking out her tongue so much? It makes her look dim.
  • This isn’t a very good song. She has a lovely voice. Maybe she should stick to ballads.
  • Is she wearing a fur bathing suit? My goodness but that’s impractical.
  • I think hair-horns are an odd choice. Are the kids doing this nowadays? Hair-horns and mismatched socks and getting drunk on hand sanitizer?

    Also, YES. I KNEW she was reminding me of someone. HAIR HORNS ARE A MISTAKE IF THEY REMIND ME OF THIS JIM CARREY CHARACTER, MILEY.

    Also, YES. I KNEW she was reminding me of someone. HAIR HORNS ARE A MISTAKE IF THEY REMIND ME OF THIS JIM CARREY CHARACTER, MILEY.

  • Someone should have told her this was a terrible idea.
  • OMG, Robin Thicke looks really embarrassed to have to share the stage with Miley Gone Bad. When he sang the “you’re a good girl” line, he couldn’t even LOOK at her. You probably have to work pretty hard to embarrass Robin Thicke; I mean, he thinks “hug me” and “fuck me” RHYME, for the love of Pete.
  • Robin Thicke is wearing a Beetlejuice suit. Now I want to watch Beetlejuice again.
  • Stop doing that with that foam finger. That’s not what those are for. YOU DO NOT KNOW WHERE THAT HAS BEEN.
  • So THIS is twerking. Huh.
  • This makes me feel 150 years old.
  • Seriously, doesn’t this young woman have advisors who could have said, “This is a hot mess, girlfriend?” Because it’s like a spoiled child’s birthday party entertainment. “I want bears and a foam finger and a girl with HORNS in her HAIR and a BATHING SUIT MADE OF FUR!” and the rich kid’s parents are all “sigh sigh OK Sir Thomas Jamieson the Third Esquire.” It’s just all so MESSY. There’s TOO MUCH GOING ON. It’s making me scratchy and giving me ADD.
  • The audience looks really uncomfortable. I’m sure if I knew who any of these people were, it’d be funny that they’re all sitting there with poker faces on (p-p-p-poker faces) but mostly it’s just a bunch of people I’ve never seen before looking like they’re being forced to watch a mental breakdown. UN. COM. FOR. TA. BLE. (People kept posting a photo of the Will Smith family looking shocked, but I didn’t see them, and I actually – I KNOW! – know who they are, so maybe that was only if you were watching live, I don’t know.)

    I just want to say, the Will Smith family really are beautiful, aren't they? My goodness but genetics were kind, there.

    I just want to say, the Will Smith family really are beautiful, aren’t they? My goodness but genetics were kind, there.

As you can see, nowhere in this was I all “I AM OUTRAGED!” A lot of people, apparently, were. People cried racism (I’m not going to speak to that; I personally didn’t find it racist, but I’m also not going to vilify those who did.) People cried sexism (which, honestly, I’m not seeing…unless we’re talking about Robin Thicke. He did seem to be a little uncomfortably touchy-touched up there.) People were all “SHE IS OUT OF CONTROL” and “SHE IS ON DRUGS!”

Here are my thoughts. What do you mean, you don’t care. I don’t CARE if you don’t care. It’s my blog, I get to pontificate. Pontificatilly.

The kid grew up in a Disney bubble. It doesn’t seem she ever really had any constraints put on her, from her family, her handlers, etc. I mean, she needed to behave, for Disney, probably, in order to keep her contract – they sure do like the squeaky-clean image over there…but this was a multi-million dollar kiddo. I think she pretty much had her run of the place.

There used to be countdown websites to when she was legal, you guys. These were run by gross old pervs. I am not even kidding about this.

There used to be countdown websites to when she was legal, you guys. These were run by gross old pervs. I am not even kidding about this.

Then she grew up. She quit being a Disney princess and the real world knocked on the door and she was all, “I NEED TO STAY RELEVANT.” She’s, what, 20? People that age think relevance = being talked about. (Hell, they may be halfway right.) So she decided to do a thing on a highly-televised show that would generate a LOT of buzz, and that thing kind of made her look like a weirdo who stuck out her tongue too much. But she IS being talked about. So…she probably thinks it was successful. Will it translate to album sales? Don’t know. I’m not a record executive. I thought the song was terrible, but I’m not in the target age-range for that song, now am I? The last music I spent money on was Leonard Cohen. Did I mention I’m old? Yep. Old.

Here’s a sad thing: I kept watching her eyes. She didn’t look like she was having fun. She looked like she was planning her next move; like she was tactically strategizing where to move next, what would shock people most. She also looked a touch panicked, like the brooms got out of the sorcerer’s apprentice’s control. But she didn’t look like she was having FUN, dammit. Shouldn’t she be having fun? I mean, this is (I assume) her chosen career? I like to see performers having a good time. Like, with real smiles, that touch their eyes; with real laughter on stage. That makes me happy. That they’re getting to do what they’re passionate about for us. That it’s not just for a buck. That makes the artist in me happy, and I’m happier about dropping money on their music or shows.

This doesn't read "fun" to me. This reads "oh, this seemed like a REALLY good idea in the planning stages, you guys."

This doesn’t read “fun” to me. This reads “oh, this seemed like a REALLY good idea in the planning stages, you guys.”

If anyone told her this wasn’t the route to take – that there are other artists that started out young, and have carried reputable careers into their adulthood, like my beloved Justin Timberlake, or that there are other artists that reveled in shock-value, but still didn’t put a hot mess like that on the stage – like Madonna, or, yes, Lady Gaga – she didn’t listen, I guess. I was twenty once. I knew everything once, too. And I look back on that age and I just shake my head. I think a lot of us do. We were not all-knowing, at twenty, as much as we thought we were. I would imagine being a millionaire twenty-year-old is even worse.

Or maybe they didn’t dare tell her. Maybe she has a gang of sniveling yes-men and women around her.

Or maybe everyone genuinely thought this was a good idea. (This…yeah, I don’t think this is the case? But I’m putting it out there. It could have happened.)

I know a lot of people immediately went the OTHER way, too, and were all “DON’T YOU SLUT-SHAME HER! SHE IS A WOMAN! SHE GETS TO DO WHAT SHE WANTS WITH HER BODY!”

Yup. Not saying she doesn’t. Not at all slut-shaming her, and you’re right, she is a woman. Don’t even know that she’s slutty. (Is she known for sluttiness? I know there was a smoking-pot-no-it-was-just-salvia scandal a while back, but only because Saturday Night Live told me about it. That’s where I get most of my current events, much to Dad’s chagrin.) Just saying a furry teddybear bathing suit seems ill-advised, is all. So did my lace-edged footless tights in high school, which I also thought were sexy. I take that criticism.

Also, I am confused by this twerking situation. I discussed this with my high-school-senior cousin J. last week. I figured J. would have her finger on the pulse of the youth of Merka, being ONE of the aforementioned youth.

“I don’t know about that. I like country music,” said ever-practical cousin J., who is a ray of pure sunshine, and I want to put her in my pocket and save her from the sufferings that life will undoubtedly heap upon her, because she’s just goodness and light, and you totally want to protect that, you know?

Then Dad was all, “I KNOW ABOUT TWERKING IT WAS ON THE REAL NEWS!” and to my UTTER HORROR, he stood in the parking lot, put out his hands as if he was holding onto a walker, pooched out his ass, placed his feet far apart, and WIGGLED HIS BUTT. He looked like he was playing a game of charades and he was miming “old person who lost his walker and needed to get to the handicapped bathroom, stat.” Cousin J. and her adorable boyfriend utterly lost their shit. So. Thank you, Miley Cyrus; my father did twerking in the parking lot of the TGI Fridays last week because of you. HE DID THE TWERKING YOU GUYS. (Kind of worth it to see adorable cousin J., whose utter dream in life is to be Ariel at Disneyland – SERIOUSLY SHE COULD NOT BE CUTER, SHE WOULD BE THE BEST ARIEL – just collapse in gasping giggles all over the back of her mom’s SUV, though.)

Cousin J. would be better than this. She is just the best thing.

Cousin J. would be better than this. She is just the best thing.

So, in summation:

  • I think the Miley Cyrus thing was stupid.
  • The Miley Cyrus thing made me embarrassed for her.
  • I think the Miley Cyrus thing was musically questionable.
  • However, I failed to be appropriately (per the internet) outraged by the Miley Cyrus thing.

    Kind of how I felt about the outrage. Sorry. (Also, I LOVE YOU JON STEWART!)

    Kind of how I felt about the outrage. Sorry. (Also, I LOVE YOU JON STEWART!)

We’ll continue with the other thing I failed to be outraged by tomorrow. Or the next day. Whenever I decide to blog again. I have these somewhat-busy evenings lately. That makes me sound like a lady of the evening, but it’s much less here’s-your-one-chance-Fancy-don’t-let-me-down than that, I promise. Just ended up with things to do after work lately, and that’s my blogging-time. In the meantime, you can try to guess what it might be. (Protip: if you guess Syria, you’re wrong. I don’t know anything about potential wartime scenarios. They make my head hurt when I try to figure them out, and when Dad tries to explain them, there’s a lot of shouting. It’s not Syria. Sincerely.)

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

35 responses to “Do you think the internet has an Outrage button like Staples’ Easy button? BOOP! OUTRAGED!

  • NotAPunkRocker

    I for one was one of the many 30-somethings shocked that MTV still has music videos of any sort.

    My kid, who is 17, just rolled his eyes when I asked about this. Not in a “oh, Mom, stop PLEASE” way, but in a “whatever” sort of way.

    I think that sums it up for me too, eyeroll-worthy.

    Like

  • The Waiting

    The best critique I can come up with concerning outrage and the Miley thing is that it was Amanda Bynes and the wig that people were freaking out over not even three months ago. THREE months ago. Now it’s old news. Miley will soon be too.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      What ever happened with that Amanda Bynes thing? Is she in rehab or what? That poor kid. There’s another public meltdown.

      I wish these kids would just realize that it’s not the way to handle this…but I’m not one to give advice. I handled the ages of 18-28 TERRIBLY. I’m glad there were no cameras on me.

      Like

  • longviewhill

    The description of your dad twerking made me laugh uncontrollably. Beautiful!

    Like

  • grrgoyl

    Agree. Miley is walking in the footsteps of Madonna and Britney. Nothing new to see here. And I read a detailed article blaming this decision on yes-men and friends who didn’t want to lose the reflected sparkle of being her friend. (Did they take the video off YouTube? I looked the morning after the show (after my FB exploded over it) and there was nothing. Later that night there were a million.)

    I don’t like all of Gaga’s music, but I love her chutzpah. I think of her as the female Marilyn Manson because she’s all about the shocking, eye-catching visuals and doesn’t care if she doesn’t look absolutely perfectly beautiful all of the time (in fact, hardly any of the time).

    Any chance you can get your dad to twerk again, with a recording device running? I’m sure I’m not the only one wondering this.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I agree about Lady Gaga – looks-wise, she’s not all glamorous, like you’d imagine a rockstar to be? And she doesn’t even seem to CARE. And I LOVE that about her. Plus she’s very good with working with struggling teens – suicidal, gay, etc. – and I respect her a great deal for that.

      Oh, Dad would NEVER. My brother put a photo of him on Facebook a while back, and he FREAKED OUT. “The government knows who I AM now!” he said. “Dad, you pay taxes, they’ve known who you are for YEARS,” I said. “I HAVE TO MAKE HIM TAKE THAT DOWN!!!!!” he replied.

      There will be no video proof of Dad’s existence, let alone twerking, sadly.

      Like

  • ScorpionGlow

    I just about died reading what your Dad did. I’m going to be in tears in a second.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      It was certainly a thing. I didn’t know how to react. The man knows how to perform, that’s for sure. (I didn’t get THAT part of my personality, as my mom would say, “from the neighbors.”)

      Like

      • ScorpionGlow

        LMAO. I had to repeat the story to my brother because it was just TOO funny not to share. Hours later he accused ME of “twerking” when I reached down to pick up a couple of books at the bottom of my staircase. I had to explain the difference between “a Miley Cyrus” and me reaching down to grab two books. I wasn’t grinding on a married man in front of the world with my ass where it shouldn’t be, or doing anything inappropriate for that matter. So trashy.
        Like you, I didn’t watch it. He was actually the one to tell me I “had to see this”. It took me several days to watch the entire show on my DVR and honestly, the best part of the show was Justin Timberlake. The rest of it was like watching paint dry, and many times I fast forwarded to avoid stabbing my eyes out with a fork.
        Obviously your Dad’s got a great sense of humor. I have a warped sense of humor and I definitely got it from both of my parents, may they Rest In Peace.

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          Sigh. Justin Timberlake. I just love him to bits, that guy. I’m not even a huge fan of his music (it’s fine, and he does a very good job with it, and seems to really love what he’s doing, but it’s not my thing) but I love him as a human being. And he has such a great sense of humor. He makes me happy.

          I honestly didn’t know MTV was still having music awards. I knew they had movie awards (wait, they do, right? Don’t people win golden buckets of popcorn, or am I thinking of something else?) but I was kind of surprised they still had music awards. MTV stopped being synonymous with music about 10 years ago.

          Like

  • Anonymous

    She is surrounded by yes men and a money-grubbing mom. Billy Ray was all over the place bemoaning that he’d lost control of her and her life some time ago because Disney and her handlers would never tell her NO about anything. But he put her on the damn show in the first place, so I don’t know about that.

    She’s marginally talented (seriously, listening to her sing without AutoTune is painful), so I guess this is all that she has. Whatevs. It’s just gross and kind of sad.

    But…. if it made your dad twerk, that’s FREAKING AWESOME.

    My parents are also OUTRAGED ALL OF THE TIME by the news, but on the opposite end of the spectrum from your dad. I think that they go out of their way to get outraged because sometimes they watch Fox News to “see what the enemy is up to” and there there is MUCH OUTRAGE and shouting. Honestly, I agree with them politically most of the time, but ALL OF THE OUTRAGE is exhausting. And I have stuff to do that involves my job and having a life and stuff. I even looked at my mom once and said “holy crap, being you must be exhausting”. She was NOT AMUSED.

    I think that being OUTRAGED all the time is a form of exercise and excitement for people after they retire.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      You’re right – it could be something that happens as people age. (But think about how outraged the current crop of internetters will be when THEY retire! The mind utterly QUAILS!)

      I heard her singing something live (I want to say “Jolene”, because I love it and listen to ALL THE VERSIONS) and it wasn’t terrible. And I don’t hate that song about mountains, which I want to say is called “The Climb” or something.

      The whole thing makes me kind of sad. I hope she can recover from this and grow from it.

      There was twerking. PUBLIC PARKING LOT TWERKING.

      Like

      • cynthiaw

        Maybe the currently outraged internetters will go through a period of non-rage. After all, people are pretty easily OUTRAGED in college and then you start working and have families and a career and you’re BUSY, yo, and you don’t have time to be outraged all of the time.

        These days, I’m so busy that I’m lucky if I remember what day it is, let alone find time to find stuff to be OUTRAGED about. I’m more likely to be outraged about the grocery store being out of Tahini (because then I have to make another trip and GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR…. ) than I am about some Disney tart trying to get attention. I can barely muster the energy to be mildly peeved about most things. Even important things like Syria, which is sad.

        Maybe when I get retired, I’ll have time to be outraged again. And learn to twerk.

        Like

  • cynthiaw

    Boo… I had a really good comment and then WordPress ate it. OUTRAGE.

    Like

  • innyganker

    These were all the things going on in my mind while I watched it. It took me about 10 youtube clips to see the whole thing since MTV was taking them down as fast as people could get them up for copyright infringement. The really sad thing is it made the papers here in India as well. I get more upset that this is what represents the US here and not the other stuff that we might actually get to be proud of.

    I am a dancer and the one thing that I love about watching other dancers is seeing the joy it brings them to be dancing. When I dance, I do it for my joy as well as others. Her performance just made me uncomfortable to watch because she didn’t seem like she was enjoying what she was doing. It really did look like I was watching someone have a mental breakdown in public. Everyone watching but afraid to step in or stop it and just feeling really bad for her.

    All of that and now I totally want to meet your Dad.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      YES. See, I love to see the joy in performance, and in any art – writing, acting, visual arts – when that joy is gone, it’s also no longer fun for me, as an audience member, to experience. I mean, there can be joy in, say, the performance of an angry character. I have a friend who’s performing the role of a very hard, bitter woman right now, and I’m going to see her next weekend. But I know she takes such joy in her performance. It’ll be apparent, even through the character, if that makes sense.

      There was no joy in this performance. None.

      It IS sad that’s what gets reported overseas. I wish some of our finer moments would go viral as well.

      My dad’s a kick. You never quite know what will come next with him.

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Isn’t twerking old news anyway? Wasn’t that back in the 90s or something? You know, last millennium?

    Also, I cannot refrain from linking to the only thing I know about this (apparently horrific) event:

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      It WAS? Good grief, how am I the last one to know about ANYTHING? I’d never heard of twerking until this whole thing broke, then sj emailed me and said “Miley twerks Robin Thicke” so I paid attention at that point so I’d know what twerking was.

      I’m getting to be one of those out-of-the-loop old people who say things like “I want to watch my stories” and “back in MY day, we didn’t do the twerking,” aren’t I?

      That poor giraffe.

      Like

  • becomingcliche

    My daughter had an eyeball-rolling moment over Miley’s performance. We didn’t see it, but the aftermath even visited us under our rock where we live. Anyway, I explained that all of us do stupid. All of us. Sadly, Miley did HER stupid in front of a gajillion people. We’re a little sad for her. I’m glad my stupid was far more private.

    The upside to all of this is that I learned what twerking is. Wait. Did I say the upside, or did I say “Please boil my eyes in bleach?” The latter, I think.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I didn’t know what twerking was, either. I do like to imagine Dad watching that segment on Fox News and getting up in the living room and practicing for future use. It makes me laugh. And wince a little.

      You’re completely right. It can’t be easy to live under the microscope. Not even a little bit. I know everyone wants to be famous, but it’s not all gold-plated cutlery and being fed chocolate-covered strawberries by poolboys.

      Like

  • Heather

    1. Not twerking. Not really. I can send you links to amazing twerk videos. What Miley is doing is TRYING to twerk–in flesh-colored plastic bottoms that made HER bottom look really, really bad. Mostly I feel sorry for her. Doesn’t she have any friends that could have told her this was just a really bad idea? Also, there are some racial aspects in this performance that made me pretty uncomfortable (no, it wasn’t “racist” per se, but there are some issues there). Totally Google-able things. But I wasn’t outraged. I couldn’t care less about Miley Cyrus or MTV or terrible awards shows that don’t mean anything anymore anyway.

    (I also read somewhere that the photo of the Smiths wasn’t even taken during Miley’s performance. That’s actually their reaction to the Lady Gaga performance, and they weren’t even really making those faces. Will and his daughter were chewing gum and the camera caught them mid-chew.)

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I can’t say a word about Miley’s butt (or lack thereof); I’m also a member of the no-butt club. I could never be good at twerking. (However, I would also not wear plastic booty shorts on television, or even around the house…so there’s that, then.)

      That totally makes sense, the Smith family thing. I was looking for them in the audience and didn’t see them, and I think they’d be better at hiding their reactions to something than that, anyway. They’ve been in this game a long time, and know the cameras are on them.

      Like

    • Sarah Says Read

      Oh I’m so glad someone else said it – Miley is NOT twerking. This is the Harlem Shake thing all over again – idiots taking an actual dance (largely created and popular in urban communities) and then trying to imitate it and end up looking like jackasses instead. It’s like when you see 60-year old white guys mockingly trying to rap. It’s offensive, and painful to watch.

      And that’s really the only outrage I can muster on the subject. I mean, I thought overall that her performance was uncomfortable and gross (STOP DOING THAT WITH THAT FOAM FINGER), but is it worse than any other young performer on MTV? Not really. Who cares?

      Like

  • Samantha

    So I finally ACTUALLY watched the whole performance, and like I said, no outrage, but it was pretty disgusting, and was kind of a prancing around, badly planned performance. There was a blog post I read (not outraged either) that asked why Lady Gaga’s performance was art (even though she stripped down) but Miley’s wasn’t. I watched both and can conclude, that’s because Lady Gaga’s was actually CHOREOGRAPHED, and put together well, and everyone was coordinated, and she can actually dance (and sing while she’s dancing!).

    Anyway. It’s not much more than a blip on the radar. Like Cynthia said, not worth the energy.

    I wouldn’t have even thought of the racial aspect of her performance, although I’d read before that people were outraged by her “accessorizing” herself with black people. I’m not sure what her intentions are there, but it didn’t seem racist or even racially tense? I don’t know. I don’t know enough about it.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I read a similar post (a few of them, actually) about the racism. My question, I guess, is – did the dancers know she was going to spank them, etc.? I would assume they probably did. There had to have been some sort of dress rehearsal, and I’d think it’d be all over the news if it was out of the blue. One of the dancers would have talked. So…if they went into it knowing, why didn’t they walk away? For the exposure? Money? Wouldn’t they have refused if they were truly offended?

      (If I’m being obtuse or naive, I apologize. I really just don’t get it.)

      Like

  • Sin City Siren

    Reblogged this on The Sin City Siren and commented:
    [Insert outrage of choice here.]

    Like

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