Kind-of-Sort-of-Ask-Lucy a.k.a. I CAN ANSWER THAT! (Volume 16)

I know, I’m cutting this close, yo. It’s almost the end of the damn month. I got busy. SO BUSY. Like, a million things all happened at once. What the hell, life, why are you so weird.

So, in case you don’t remember, or are new here, or have recently had a traumatic brain injury, here’s a quick rundown of what’s happening. Because the search terms posts tend to be insanely long, I break them up into two posts: an open letter to people who find my blog accidentally and a post with just the QUESTIONS that drive people to my blog. And I answer those questions to the best of my ability, and I give advice, some of which is more serious than the rest. There are not a lot of questions this month. Which is kind of good, because it’s totally an hour before bed and I’m wiped out.

So, yet again!

Welcome to…

Kind-of-sort-of Ask Lucy.

Subtitled: I CAN ANSWER THAT!

These are all ACTUAL SEARCH TERMS that brought people to my blog. So these people totally need my help, obviously, because they came to Google SEARCHING FOR HELP. And they obviously didn’t find it, because they ended up here. And I mean, listen, I like the traffic, but then I just feel bad, thinking of all these poor lost souls, all, “Where’s the bathroom?” when they ended up in the coat closet. DON’T PEE ON MY COATS, YOU.

do mix girls like asian guys 

Well, this is just a weird-ass question. My thought is, first, what’s a “mix” girl. Like, a girl who really likes mixers (either the appliance or the things you put into drinks or the dance?) Or are you referring to someone with mixed racial heritage? If it’s the latter, do you know what “mix” girls like? Men who don’t call them “mix” girls. Also, another thing girls like? Men who respect them; who are intelligent and funny and kind. If you’re also Asian? Well, fine, then. It’s more the person inside of there than the person outside of there. I’ve fallen for men who were not at all traditionally-attractive, I suppose you’d say – because they made me laugh. Or were amazing writers. Or one of a million other things, and only later, looking back on the situation, or on photos, did I even think, “Oh, he wasn’t so hot after all, I never noticed that.” The kind of girl you want won’t notice those things. Promise. There’s chemistry, or there’s not. You’re welcome. Stop saying mix girls.

what are the effects of huffing spray paint 

Brain damage. Paint all over your face. People laughing at you. Imprisonment. Your mug-shot being all over the internet. DO NOT HUFF. Huffing is idiotic. Seriously, at what point in history did people come up with these ways to get high, drinking hand sanitizer and huffing and making drugs out of cold pills? You people are super-creative. Imagine what could happen if you used your smarts to make the world a BETTER place? You’re welcome, don’t huff, you dork.

is evil noise music ruining children 

I Googled "Evil Noise Music" and this came up and the kid with the hat is making me laugh. A lot. I don't know if he's evil, but he's FUNNY.

I Googled “Evil Noise Music” and this came up and the kid with the hat is making me laugh. A lot. I don’t know if he’s evil, but he’s FUNNY. What’s happening in this photo, any guesses?

EVIL NOISE MUSIC! Well, I don’t know. My grandparents hated The Beatles and yelled at my mom for listening to them and said they were terrible; my parents hated the music my brother listened to (rap, it was a lot of rap, for a while) and tolerated most of mine (mostly because my music was 60s stuff with some whiny Debbie Gibson and New Kids on the Block early on – DON’T YOU EVEN JUDGE, like you didn’t do the same thing, have horrible peer-pressurey taste back in the day) and I’m sure someday I will hate what The Nephew listens to. Just let it go, unless it’s really violent or cussy or misogynistic. The more you yell at them the more they want to listen to it. And in twenty years, it’ll seem tame. Sincerely. You’re welcome. Hee, evil noise music.

help i am dating a man with fearful attachment style 

FEARFUL ATTACHMENT STYLE! Did they listen to a lot of evil noise music as a child?

Oh, sorry. Apparently this is really a thing. Wikipedia tells me actually called “fearful-avoidant attachment style” (attachment style? This is a thing now?) and it means they are “somewhat uncomfortable getting close to others, want emotionally close relationships, but find it difficult to trust others completely, or to depend on them, and sometimes worry that they will be hurt if they allow themselves to become too close to others. People with this attachment style have mixed feelings about close relationships. On the one hand, they desire to have emotionally close relationships. On the other hand, they tend to feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness. These mixed feelings are combined with, sometimes unconscious, negative views about themselves and their partners. They commonly view themselves as unworthy of responsiveness from their partners, and they don’t trust the intentions of their partners. Similarly to the dismissive–avoidant attachment style, people with a fearful–avoidant attachment style seek less intimacy from partners and frequently suppress and deny their feelings. Instead, they are much less comfortable initially expressing affection.”

Here, I found you a handy chart. How did I not know this was a thing until today?

Here, I found you a handy chart. How did I not know this was a thing until today?

That’s a lot of stuff, yo. What if you agree with half of these things? I’m half of these things. Am I fearful or avoidant? HELP ME WIKIPEDIA. (I just checked out the styles and I’m like half this and half “anxious-preoccupied” and now I feel like a crazy. Also, what the hell, attachment styles. When did THIS become a thing? Oh, the 60s and 70s. OF COURSE. Damn hippies.

But this is about you. I don’t know how to fix your relationship, my darling; perhaps go to therapy. This person sounds sad to me, and hard to get close to. I get the trust issues. See, once you let someone in, and you 100% trust them, they can hurt you 100%. And that’s so, so hard to allow. So it’s a lot easier to wall yourself off. But then again, if you do that, you’re denying yourself access to other people…so it’s kind of sucktastic all around. 

Therapy. Or break up, I suppose. You’re welcome. I’m sorry.

how many times do you shave in a week 

Well, THAT’S nosy. It depends on what I’m wearing and what weather there is. DON’T YOU EVEN JUDGE. If I was in some sort of relationship where someone was seeing my euphemisms, I’d care more? But NO ONE IS. So I let it go. Who even cares, the cat? The cat doesn’t care. He’s VERY hairy. He probably thinks it’s COOL that I don’t shave more. And YES, future husband who I’m sure in a meet-cute sort of scenario is reading this RIGHT NOW, once we’re all hot and heavy, I’ll totally shave more. I promise.

Wait, are you one of those shaving-pervs? Andreas gets like a billion hits because ONE TIME he posted a photo of a lady shaving her face. YOU PEOPLE. Not everything is sexy!

I didn’t really answer your question, Nosy McGurk. I don’t know. Sometimes 3 times, sometimes not at all. It varies. You’re welcome, mind your own business.

is the island of misfit toys a concentration camp 

Spotted Elephant is disappointed in you.

Spotted Elephant is disappointed in you.

Whoa. Way to take THAT into a very dark place. Is that what we’re saying now? No, I don’t think I’d compare that to a concentration camp; you do know what went on in the camps, right? I mean, we didn’t SEE any toys being subjected to that. Maybe more of an internment camp, if you need to put labels on a children’s show. But invoking the Holocaust is lazy writing. You can do better. I have faith in you. You’re welcome, try harder next time, ok?

what are the lyrics to the poem there once was a girl from nantucket 

You’re naughty, is what you are. I’m not going to tell you. You can Google that shit all on your own. But I do want to say this: the words in a poem are not “lyrics.” They can be words, or lines, or stanzas, but they’re definitely not lyrics, because that’s what SONGS have. So I’m going to assume that’s why you’re HERE, and not somewhere REALLY finding out what happened in Nantucket. (HINT: search “there once was a MAN from Nantucket;” you’ll have much better luck. I promise.) You’re welcome, you naughty duck.

why do temps test have such stupid questions 

Temps tests? Like, tests to be a temp in an office? I don’t remember them being that hard. I was a temp for YEARS. I temped-to-hire for a while; I temped here and there for a while. It was easy and I didn’t mind it much. It was kind of nice, moving around day to day. Never long enough to get annoyed by people. (What, shush it, people are totally annoying.) All I remember was a typing-speed test, and they interviewed me originally. What kind of questions are you being asked? Are you sure it’s a temp agency and not a practical joke or something? You’re welcome, I’m totally curious right now.

Whew! Got it in under the wire and can still get to bed in time to get…well, SOME sleep. Not ENOUGH, but SOME.

Until next month – may all your questions be answered, and I’d say I hope you dance, but I don’t wish that on anyone, you know? Dancing is totally hard unless you’re coordinated.

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

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