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An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 26)

Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:

Welcome to August! (And almost welcome to September, because MAN did I put this off til late. Whoo!) I am very excited about the end of summer. Fall means the onset of sweaters and cooler days and crunchy leaves and that smell of burning and decay and the onset of winter. Fall is my favorite. Fall makes me feel so invigorated and alive and filled with infinite hope. I know you’re supposed to feel like that in the spring. I’ve never been what you’d call “regular.” I deal with it.

So, just in case you’re new, let me catch you up on this recurring post. I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (this is the twenty-sixth one. That’s a lot. Eventually, if I keep this up, these posts will be OLDER THAN ME. And I’m pretty old. If you’re interested, search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? I’m easily amused by nonsense, I suppose. Some people like religion, I like nonsense. It’s my thing, yo.

So I’m going to break you down into categories and address you in groups, except for those of you who get your OWN SECTION. Now, don’t go thinking those of you in your own section are special. NO ONE IS MORE SPECIAL THAN ANYONE ELSE. You’re all special snowflakes. Revel in your specialness. REVEL, I SAID!

So here we go. This month’s searches ran the gamut from odd to weird back to odd and then a little funny, then right on back to odd again. Just as I like it.

Category the First: This is very good advice, John. Listen up.

“don’t do things that will kill you” john bytheway  

My favorite part of this: the “by the way.” Hey, John, BYTHEWAY, stop being an asshat and DON’T BE KILLY TO YOURSELF. Sheesh. Stop touching electric fences with your TONGUE, John, bytheway, and also STOP PULLING THE MASK OFF THE OLD LONE RANGER, bytheway! You’re really a danger to yourself, John, bytheway.

(I used to love someone named John. He was beautiful, but not at all right for me. But so, so pretty. Sigh.)

Category the Second: I’m totally an expert on this, yo.

“thyroids levels and “calcium”  
armour thyroid saved my life      

Here’s how my doctor explained it: you have this thing called the parathyroid attached to your thyroid. Your parathyroid metabolizes your calcium. In some thyroidectomies, they’re able to save the parathyroid; in some, it just dies off. In mine, it died off. If I don’t want to be a stooped old woman when I get old, I need to take mega-calcium supplements daily, eat lots of calcium-rich foods, and get my calcium levels checked regularly to make sure I’m doing a good enough job. It’s not work for the faint of heart. Luckily, cheese is calciumy. YUM CHEESE.

I don’t use Armour Thyroid. That’s the brand-name thyroid medication. It’s EXPENSIVE. I use generic synthroid or some such shit. It’s like $5 a month. Works fine. I’m all about generic medication. But when I first had to get thyroud medication, my roommate was researching it and she was all “AMY. Get Armour Thyroid. THAT IS THE BEST NAME FOR A MEDICATION EVER. Your thyroid! It will be like from MEDIEVAL TIMES!” and I laughed SO HARD. She’s the best, C. is. But, yes. It will save your life. If you need thyroid meds, you’d better take them, or things start to get weird. I forgot mine when I went on vacation once and was all, “I can do without these!” and NO NO CHARLIE. I ended up having to go to the ER for an emergency refill because THINGS WERE GETTING WOBBLY.

Category the Third: Sigh. Yes. Yes, I am going to get Facebook searches til I die.

a guy from my childhood is appearing in friends you may know on fb      
all kind of women showing as people you might know on fb        
how can i tell if someone unfriended me on facebook or canceled facebook?     
how long does a people you may know keep people who searched you                
how to know, how too much person to open my profile in facebook       
letter of requesting facebook friendship               
what should be done if the people u may know have disappeared           

These are a LOT of questions. I will do my best to answer them. But listen, you GUYS, these are not IMPORTANT. You’re stressing over NOTHING.

Yes. People from your childhood SHOULD show up in your “people you may know.” As you MAY KNOW HIM. You DO know him. What, exactly, is confusing you about this? IT MEANS FACEBOOK IS WORKING CORRECTLY FOR ONCE.

All kind of women, huh? Good job, ladykiller. Big ones, small ones, tall ones, short ones, I assume? Well, send ’em friend requests, if you want, I don’t know what to tell you, here.

You can tell if someone unfriended you if you used to be friends and you go to their page and it says “add friend” on it. You can tell if someone BLOCKED you if you used to be friends with them, they’re not on your friend list anymore, and you search for them but they’re no longer on Facebook, but you ask your friend Myrna (I assume you have a friend Myrna; doesn’t everyone?) “Are you still friends with Joe Unfriendly?” and she says yes. That means Joe Unfriendly blocked your ass so you can’t see that he even has a page anymore. You can tell if someone deleted Facebook if he/she has disappeared from ALL your mutual friends, no one knows what happened, and you see them skulking around town and you’re all “Sad Sam, what’s up, we’re no longer Facebook friends?” and he’s like “I HATE YOU AND YOUR STUPID FACEBOOK FAAAAACE!” and runs off sobbing.

Your grammar is atrocious, darling, but I think you think the “people you may know” is people who’ve searched for you. Which is not the case. The people I may know right now are my cousin’s new boyfriend, one of my college’s crush’s (that came across terribly – a boy I had a crush on in college, and there were more than one of them) family members, and a random friend of my brother’s. None of these people were searching for me. Why the hell would they be? Those people in your sidebar are there because Facebook is weird. That’s all. Stop overthinking (and maybe take a grammar brushup class.)

Again, TERRIBLE GRAMMAR. Are you asking how you know if too many people have opened your Facebook profile? What’s too many? And you don’t have any control over that. Lock it down; make everything you can on it invisible (if you do it right, pretty much all people can see is your name, your cover photo, and your profile picture) and let it go. If that STILL bothers you…deactivate your Facebook. That’s the way it WORKS, you see. ANYONE CAN SEE YOUR PAGE. Unless you block specific people. That’s just how it IS.

Are you asking how to write a letter requesting Facebook friendship? Here’s a tip: no one cares. I thought people took it more seriously when I started. I’d friend request them and send them these nice “OMG! How have you BEEN?” private messages. Which were mostly ignored. NO ONE CARES. They either accepted or ignored my requests. Facebook isn’t life or death, even though sometimes it seems like it. I know. It’s a shocker.

What should be done if your people you may know disappear? Well, from my searches, it seems most people WANT that to happen…so you should PROBABLY rejoice, is my thought.

Category the Fourth: Odd

america airport “people are so fat”          
are you obsessed with spencer reid quiz               
cat face teeth    
forced boob job sissy hypno       
halloween “eats a little girl”         
mr rogers neighborhood lesbian sweaty               
narrative on the best news i ever received          

Are American people ONLY so fat in the airport? Are they not fat on, say, the sidewalk, or perhaps in an elevator?

OMG, now I need to find this quiz and take it. DAMMIT. This isn’t even a thing. I AM SO HEARTBROKEN RIGHT NOW. I would obviously have been VERY obsessed with Spencer Reid. I would have WON this quiz.

Cat face teeth? The hell?

Here are Dumbcat’s teeth, are you happy with this?

He HATED that I touched his face. He's giving me such a look of "yu betrayed mee, Momme."

He HATED that I touched his face. He’s giving me such a look of “yu betrayed mee, Momme.”

I don’t even…forced boob job, and ALSO sissy hypno. There are a lot of things here. SO MANY THINGS. I’ll let you guys decide what’s up. I haven’t a guess.

Does the holiday itself eat a little girl? That seems improbable.

I watched a lot of Mr. Rogers, and I’m quite certain there were no sweaty lesbians involved. Was there another version of Mr. Rogers I’m not aware of? Wait, no. Don’t even tell me. I don’t want you to ruin my childhood memories. I have so few good ones.

How the hell could I write YOU a narrative on the best news YOU ever received? And I’m not writing you a narrative on the best news I’ve ever received, because it’s none of your business, is why. This is a weird search. Are you trying to cheat on homework? You are, aren’t you?

Category the Fifth: You are always welcome to search for this here. ALWAYS.

biology sneaky fucker frog           

I will never fail to rejoice when someone searches for sneaky fuckery here. I am very proud of Sneaky Fucker week. I always will be. Please always feel free to check out sneaky fuckery here. I’ll meet you with cookies and perhaps fruit punch and a comfortable chair.

Category the Sixth: Ha! I will NOT!

don’t make me get my pan flute      

     

OMG. I will NOT make you get your pan flute, Zamfir! Please don’t torment me thus!

Category the Seventh: It’ll do that.

fox news ruined my dad

It’s made mine a little hard to deal with, as well. I’m not saying I don’t love him. I do. Very much. But every single conversation contains a variant of “PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE RUINING MERKA! I SAW IT ON THE NEWS! THE REAL NEWS!” and I have to sigh and say “Oh, Dad. Oh, Dad, Dad, Dad. Maybe you should start watching something less angrymaking.”

Fox News puts things on the air that upset people who think they’re the gospel truth; they do this for ratings. Fox News, to me, is just about the lowest of the low, and they utterly disgust me. I don’t say this lightly. Not at all.

Category the Eighth: Hee!

happy nude reindeers
porno crushing her ovariez
she stalking in her sleep it’s keeping me awake
she won’t leave me alone “at work”
short story about demons in hell laugh kookaburra
that cruel joke called life
you half crazed wombat

Aren’t all reindeer nude? I mean, they don’t wear little footie pajamas, or something. Although that’d be HILARIOUS. Also, the plural of reindeer is just, well, reindeer. And I find that all reindeer are happy. Just because they’re reindeer. Andreas says I will not get to see reindeer when I visit him. This is a sadness. I do so like reindeer.

THIS IS ONE HAPPY REINDEER!

THIS IS ONE HAPPY REINDEER!

OVARIEZ! Those are like ovaries, only more badass. Because of the z. Do you want to WATCH a porno about crushing someone’s ovaries – sorry, OVARIEZ? Or DID a porno crush someone’s OVARIEZ, like, it was on someone’s ovary-area and it was just a super-heavy DVD or something and CRUSH? This is odd. And also, I know men like to think “I AM SO HUGE I AM AN OVARY CRUSHER!” but…um…do you have the most basic idea of how anatomy works? You’re not going to be crushing ovaries, my darling. It is not a thing you will be doing. Not even a little bit. I guarantee you this. They’re not even near where you put…nevermind. I’m sad you don’t know this, and sad you think you’re so megamassiveginormous you’re going to, I don’t know, core a lady like an apple, or something.

I like the idea of someone stalking in her sleep. All peeping in windows but not remembering it in the morning. If someone stalks in her sleep, does it make a sound? Also, if someone’s stalking in her sleep, how is it keeping you awake? (You know it’s “talking,” right? OK. Cool. I think I like your version better, though.)

She won’t leave you alone “at work,” huh? What about “at home” or “in the grocery store?” She doesn’t bother you there? Well, I’d talk to “HR,” then, so she’ll “stop messing with your TPS reports.” “You’re welcome.”

Are you looking for a short story about a demon in hell and a kookaburra laughing? Because now it’s all I want to read. Someone write me one of those. That’d be good, I think.

OMG THAT CRUEL JOKE CALLED LIFE! DOOM! GLOOOOOM! Listen, sweet potato, sometimes life seems terrible? But there’s a lot of beauty in there. Just look. And once you learn how to see it – and I assure you, it’s everywhere – you’ll start seeing it more and more. It’ll be in the smallest things – the curve of a tree branch, a quick smile on the face of someone you love, a peal of laughter from a distance, a particularly lovely turn of phrase, a bird shadowed against a still blue sky. Life may well be cruel at times, but for all the cruelty, we’re given a lot of beauty to make it bearable. You just have to know how to look.

I’m so going to start calling people “you half-crazed wombat!” as an insult. It’s going to be my new thing. Look out, world!

This one looks a little crazed! Would you say half-crazed? Perhaps.

This one looks a little crazed! Would you say half-crazed? Perhaps.

Category the Ninth: Oh, what’s this? I want to know about this, please.

meme still waiting lloyd dobler  

Oh, this needs to be a meme. Is this a meme? I’m going to go search RIGHT NOW.

No. It seems it is not a thing. But this is, and this is CORRECT.

I don’t want a regular guy. I want the boy with the boombox and the trenchcoat. I have since 1989. I keep waiting for him to show up. He won’t look like Lloyd Dobler, when he does? But he’ll have a Lloyd Dobler heart. That’ll be enough.

Category the Tenth: Andreas, what’s going on in your land of Finns, exactly?

go nude finland                
miss nude finland      

Andreas, why so many nudity-related Finland searches this month? Is this something I need to know about before I visit next year? Listen, I think you’re peachy but I’m not down with walking around naked. I like clothes on my body, yo.

Category the Eleventh: Welcome, my friends from foreign lands!

лодка-трансформер         (boat-transformer in Russian!)
وقت النوم كرتون              (bedtime cardboard in Arabic!)

I LOVE FOREIGN SEARCHES! They make me feel SO COSMOPOLITAN. These are total keepers, too. Boat-transformer and BEDTIME CARDBOARD! I don’t know what they mean, and have NO IDEA why they brought people HERE, but I am DELIGHTING in them!

There you go, my most precious pumpkins. All the search terms! Enjoy. WALLOW in them. Just utterly SQUISH your TOES in them.

Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.

Love, Me.

(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

11 responses to “An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 26)

  • Daha

    Hii, greetings from Aruba! I really liked your blog! Keep it up :)

    Like

  • grrgoyl

    I DID know a Myrna, back when I worked in a warehouse and all my co-workers were Mexicans of questionable legality (not a racist thing, I loved some of them. But sometimes INS would drop by and lots of people wouldn’t come to work that day, is all I’m saying). She was a short red-headed spitfire of a woman who would laugh at everything I said, even stuff that maybe I didn’t intend to be funny. Damn hard worker too. I miss Myrna.

    Fox News. I’m with you. They are probably the biggest internal threat to this country. I also love Facebook trolls who brag about Fox’s high ratings, as if that’s proof of quality programming. Have I made this comment before? Because it feels like I make it every time someone mentions Fox News.

    Those foreign search terms sound like Googlewhacks. But I’ve never been to either of those countries so I know nothing.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I don’t know if you’ve ever made that comment before, but if you have…make it again. It’s always welcome.

      Are you totally embarrassed I had to look up what a Googlewhack was? Sometimes the internet makes me feel ancient. TOO MANY NEW THINGS!

      Like

      • grrgoyl

        If you ever have the time, get your hands on “Dave Gorman’s Googlewhack Adventure.” The most entertaining, hilarious, heartbreaking 2 hour soliloquy put on DVD (except I think only available in the UK. My London friend sent it to me. Maybe Andreas can hook you up)

        Like

  • cynthiaw

    I love autumn; I love it SO SO much and we really don’t get one here. It’s what I miss most in the whole world about living in Ohio. Football in 100 degree heat is just WRONG. It’s so wrong that I can’t even think about it. Hayrides are also wrong and prickly and stabby when it’s 100 degrees out – mostly because you are wearing shorts. And that is also wrong.

    I’m now concerned about people wanting to crush my ovariez though.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Fall is the best. Just the best. I can take or leave winter (it’s pretty, I just don’t like to drive in it) but I don’t know that I could ever live somewhere without fall.

      I know, my poor ovariezzzzz!

      Like

  • becomingcliche

    I stalk in my sleep. Creeps my husband out. And the neighbors.

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    It could be because of all the saunas. You have to be nude in a sauna. So there will be a lot of nude Finns. But in saunas, not on the street or anything.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Oh. Well, that’s ok, then, just as long as they stay in the saunas. (Dad thinks I need to visit a sauna when I’m there because he LOVES saunas. “Dad, I hate to be hot, why would I want to visit a sauna? I would totally visit a cool-a,” I said. “You’re WEIRD, Amy,” he replied.)

      Like

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