Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:
Welcome to August! (And almost welcome to September, because MAN did I put this off til late. Whoo!) I am very excited about the end of summer. Fall means the onset of sweaters and cooler days and crunchy leaves and that smell of burning and decay and the onset of winter. Fall is my favorite. Fall makes me feel so invigorated and alive and filled with infinite hope. I know you’re supposed to feel like that in the spring. I’ve never been what you’d call “regular.” I deal with it.
So, just in case you’re new, let me catch you up on this recurring post. I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (this is the twenty-sixth one. That’s a lot. Eventually, if I keep this up, these posts will be OLDER THAN ME. And I’m pretty old. If you’re interested, search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? I’m easily amused by nonsense, I suppose. Some people like religion, I like nonsense. It’s my thing, yo.
So I’m going to break you down into categories and address you in groups, except for those of you who get your OWN SECTION. Now, don’t go thinking those of you in your own section are special. NO ONE IS MORE SPECIAL THAN ANYONE ELSE. You’re all special snowflakes. Revel in your specialness. REVEL, I SAID!
So here we go. This month’s searches ran the gamut from odd to weird back to odd and then a little funny, then right on back to odd again. Just as I like it.
Category the First: This is very good advice, John. Listen up.
“don’t do things that will kill you” john bytheway
My favorite part of this: the “by the way.” Hey, John, BYTHEWAY, stop being an asshat and DON’T BE KILLY TO YOURSELF. Sheesh. Stop touching electric fences with your TONGUE, John, bytheway, and also STOP PULLING THE MASK OFF THE OLD LONE RANGER, bytheway! You’re really a danger to yourself, John, bytheway.
(I used to love someone named John. He was beautiful, but not at all right for me. But so, so pretty. Sigh.)
Category the Second: I’m totally an expert on this, yo.
“thyroids levels and “calcium”
armour thyroid saved my life
Here’s how my doctor explained it: you have this thing called the parathyroid attached to your thyroid. Your parathyroid metabolizes your calcium. In some thyroidectomies, they’re able to save the parathyroid; in some, it just dies off. In mine, it died off. If I don’t want to be a stooped old woman when I get old, I need to take mega-calcium supplements daily, eat lots of calcium-rich foods, and get my calcium levels checked regularly to make sure I’m doing a good enough job. It’s not work for the faint of heart. Luckily, cheese is calciumy. YUM CHEESE.
I don’t use Armour Thyroid. That’s the brand-name thyroid medication. It’s EXPENSIVE. I use generic synthroid or some such shit. It’s like $5 a month. Works fine. I’m all about generic medication. But when I first had to get thyroud medication, my roommate was researching it and she was all “AMY. Get Armour Thyroid. THAT IS THE BEST NAME FOR A MEDICATION EVER. Your thyroid! It will be like from MEDIEVAL TIMES!” and I laughed SO HARD. She’s the best, C. is. But, yes. It will save your life. If you need thyroid meds, you’d better take them, or things start to get weird. I forgot mine when I went on vacation once and was all, “I can do without these!” and NO NO CHARLIE. I ended up having to go to the ER for an emergency refill because THINGS WERE GETTING WOBBLY.
Category the Third: Sigh. Yes. Yes, I am going to get Facebook searches til I die.
a guy from my childhood is appearing in friends you may know on fb
all kind of women showing as people you might know on fb
how can i tell if someone unfriended me on facebook or canceled facebook?
how long does a people you may know keep people who searched you
how to know, how too much person to open my profile in facebook
letter of requesting facebook friendship
what should be done if the people u may know have disappeared
These are a LOT of questions. I will do my best to answer them. But listen, you GUYS, these are not IMPORTANT. You’re stressing over NOTHING.
Yes. People from your childhood SHOULD show up in your “people you may know.” As you MAY KNOW HIM. You DO know him. What, exactly, is confusing you about this? IT MEANS FACEBOOK IS WORKING CORRECTLY FOR ONCE.
All kind of women, huh? Good job, ladykiller. Big ones, small ones, tall ones, short ones, I assume? Well, send ’em friend requests, if you want, I don’t know what to tell you, here.
You can tell if someone unfriended you if you used to be friends and you go to their page and it says “add friend” on it. You can tell if someone BLOCKED you if you used to be friends with them, they’re not on your friend list anymore, and you search for them but they’re no longer on Facebook, but you ask your friend Myrna (I assume you have a friend Myrna; doesn’t everyone?) “Are you still friends with Joe Unfriendly?” and she says yes. That means Joe Unfriendly blocked your ass so you can’t see that he even has a page anymore. You can tell if someone deleted Facebook if he/she has disappeared from ALL your mutual friends, no one knows what happened, and you see them skulking around town and you’re all “Sad Sam, what’s up, we’re no longer Facebook friends?” and he’s like “I HATE YOU AND YOUR STUPID FACEBOOK FAAAAACE!” and runs off sobbing.
Your grammar is atrocious, darling, but I think you think the “people you may know” is people who’ve searched for you. Which is not the case. The people I may know right now are my cousin’s new boyfriend, one of my college’s crush’s (that came across terribly – a boy I had a crush on in college, and there were more than one of them) family members, and a random friend of my brother’s. None of these people were searching for me. Why the hell would they be? Those people in your sidebar are there because Facebook is weird. That’s all. Stop overthinking (and maybe take a grammar brushup class.)
Again, TERRIBLE GRAMMAR. Are you asking how you know if too many people have opened your Facebook profile? What’s too many? And you don’t have any control over that. Lock it down; make everything you can on it invisible (if you do it right, pretty much all people can see is your name, your cover photo, and your profile picture) and let it go. If that STILL bothers you…deactivate your Facebook. That’s the way it WORKS, you see. ANYONE CAN SEE YOUR PAGE. Unless you block specific people. That’s just how it IS.
Are you asking how to write a letter requesting Facebook friendship? Here’s a tip: no one cares. I thought people took it more seriously when I started. I’d friend request them and send them these nice “OMG! How have you BEEN?” private messages. Which were mostly ignored. NO ONE CARES. They either accepted or ignored my requests. Facebook isn’t life or death, even though sometimes it seems like it. I know. It’s a shocker.
What should be done if your people you may know disappear? Well, from my searches, it seems most people WANT that to happen…so you should PROBABLY rejoice, is my thought.
Category the Fourth: Odd
america airport “people are so fat”
are you obsessed with spencer reid quiz
cat face teeth
forced boob job sissy hypno
halloween “eats a little girl”
mr rogers neighborhood lesbian sweaty
narrative on the best news i ever received
Are American people ONLY so fat in the airport? Are they not fat on, say, the sidewalk, or perhaps in an elevator?
OMG, now I need to find this quiz and take it. DAMMIT. This isn’t even a thing. I AM SO HEARTBROKEN RIGHT NOW. I would obviously have been VERY obsessed with Spencer Reid. I would have WON this quiz.
Cat face teeth? The hell?
Here are Dumbcat’s teeth, are you happy with this?
I don’t even…forced boob job, and ALSO sissy hypno. There are a lot of things here. SO MANY THINGS. I’ll let you guys decide what’s up. I haven’t a guess.
Does the holiday itself eat a little girl? That seems improbable.
I watched a lot of Mr. Rogers, and I’m quite certain there were no sweaty lesbians involved. Was there another version of Mr. Rogers I’m not aware of? Wait, no. Don’t even tell me. I don’t want you to ruin my childhood memories. I have so few good ones.
How the hell could I write YOU a narrative on the best news YOU ever received? And I’m not writing you a narrative on the best news I’ve ever received, because it’s none of your business, is why. This is a weird search. Are you trying to cheat on homework? You are, aren’t you?
Category the Fifth: You are always welcome to search for this here. ALWAYS.
biology sneaky fucker frog
I will never fail to rejoice when someone searches for sneaky fuckery here. I am very proud of Sneaky Fucker week. I always will be. Please always feel free to check out sneaky fuckery here. I’ll meet you with cookies and perhaps fruit punch and a comfortable chair.
Category the Sixth: Ha! I will NOT!
don’t make me get my pan flute
OMG. I will NOT make you get your pan flute, Zamfir! Please don’t torment me thus!
Category the Seventh: It’ll do that.
fox news ruined my dad
It’s made mine a little hard to deal with, as well. I’m not saying I don’t love him. I do. Very much. But every single conversation contains a variant of “PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE RUINING MERKA! I SAW IT ON THE NEWS! THE REAL NEWS!” and I have to sigh and say “Oh, Dad. Oh, Dad, Dad, Dad. Maybe you should start watching something less angrymaking.”
Fox News puts things on the air that upset people who think they’re the gospel truth; they do this for ratings. Fox News, to me, is just about the lowest of the low, and they utterly disgust me. I don’t say this lightly. Not at all.
Category the Eighth: Hee!
happy nude reindeers
porno crushing her ovariez
she stalking in her sleep it’s keeping me awake
she won’t leave me alone “at work”
short story about demons in hell laugh kookaburra
that cruel joke called life
you half crazed wombat
Aren’t all reindeer nude? I mean, they don’t wear little footie pajamas, or something. Although that’d be HILARIOUS. Also, the plural of reindeer is just, well, reindeer. And I find that all reindeer are happy. Just because they’re reindeer. Andreas says I will not get to see reindeer when I visit him. This is a sadness. I do so like reindeer.
OVARIEZ! Those are like ovaries, only more badass. Because of the z. Do you want to WATCH a porno about crushing someone’s ovaries – sorry, OVARIEZ? Or DID a porno crush someone’s OVARIEZ, like, it was on someone’s ovary-area and it was just a super-heavy DVD or something and CRUSH? This is odd. And also, I know men like to think “I AM SO HUGE I AM AN OVARY CRUSHER!” but…um…do you have the most basic idea of how anatomy works? You’re not going to be crushing ovaries, my darling. It is not a thing you will be doing. Not even a little bit. I guarantee you this. They’re not even near where you put…nevermind. I’m sad you don’t know this, and sad you think you’re so megamassiveginormous you’re going to, I don’t know, core a lady like an apple, or something.
I like the idea of someone stalking in her sleep. All peeping in windows but not remembering it in the morning. If someone stalks in her sleep, does it make a sound? Also, if someone’s stalking in her sleep, how is it keeping you awake? (You know it’s “talking,” right? OK. Cool. I think I like your version better, though.)
She won’t leave you alone “at work,” huh? What about “at home” or “in the grocery store?” She doesn’t bother you there? Well, I’d talk to “HR,” then, so she’ll “stop messing with your TPS reports.” “You’re welcome.”
Are you looking for a short story about a demon in hell and a kookaburra laughing? Because now it’s all I want to read. Someone write me one of those. That’d be good, I think.
OMG THAT CRUEL JOKE CALLED LIFE! DOOM! GLOOOOOM! Listen, sweet potato, sometimes life seems terrible? But there’s a lot of beauty in there. Just look. And once you learn how to see it – and I assure you, it’s everywhere – you’ll start seeing it more and more. It’ll be in the smallest things – the curve of a tree branch, a quick smile on the face of someone you love, a peal of laughter from a distance, a particularly lovely turn of phrase, a bird shadowed against a still blue sky. Life may well be cruel at times, but for all the cruelty, we’re given a lot of beauty to make it bearable. You just have to know how to look.
I’m so going to start calling people “you half-crazed wombat!” as an insult. It’s going to be my new thing. Look out, world!
Category the Ninth: Oh, what’s this? I want to know about this, please.
meme still waiting lloyd dobler
Oh, this needs to be a meme. Is this a meme? I’m going to go search RIGHT NOW.
No. It seems it is not a thing. But this is, and this is CORRECT.
I don’t want a regular guy. I want the boy with the boombox and the trenchcoat. I have since 1989. I keep waiting for him to show up. He won’t look like Lloyd Dobler, when he does? But he’ll have a Lloyd Dobler heart. That’ll be enough.
Category the Tenth: Andreas, what’s going on in your land of Finns, exactly?
go nude finland
miss nude finland
Andreas, why so many nudity-related Finland searches this month? Is this something I need to know about before I visit next year? Listen, I think you’re peachy but I’m not down with walking around naked. I like clothes on my body, yo.
Category the Eleventh: Welcome, my friends from foreign lands!
лодка-трансформер (boat-transformer in Russian!)
وقت النوم كرتون (bedtime cardboard in Arabic!)
I LOVE FOREIGN SEARCHES! They make me feel SO COSMOPOLITAN. These are total keepers, too. Boat-transformer and BEDTIME CARDBOARD! I don’t know what they mean, and have NO IDEA why they brought people HERE, but I am DELIGHTING in them!
There you go, my most precious pumpkins. All the search terms! Enjoy. WALLOW in them. Just utterly SQUISH your TOES in them.
Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.
(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)