I was born in the mid-seventies. In the mid-seventies, the most popular – the VERY most popular – girl’s name was Amy.
It’s not that my parents weren’t creative; it’s that they didn’t name me. They were SURE I would come out with boy-bits, so only picked out a boy-name. (I’ve talked about this before. It was “Amos.” Go to the search box at the bottom of the blog and search “Amos” and you’ll get the whole sordid story. YES, I was going to be AMOS. Gack.) So when I came out sporting lady-bits, they were stumped.
Enter an unnamed nurse who was all, “Um. Amy kind of sounds like Amos?” and my parents were all, “Yeah, whatever, I suppose.”
From such humble beginnings, blah blah.
I don’t like my name. I’m not an Amy. Amy denotes cheer and goodwill toward man and possibly good deeds and lunatic smiles and forgiving one’s transgressors. I’m a lot more little-black-raincloud than that. I’m something stompier than Amy. I don’t want a name that goes up at the end with that cheerful “eeee” sound. Amy is a cheerleading wisp of a name that no one takes seriously. I want something solid, like a brick hitting a table.
However, I’ve had this name for almost 40 years. It’s not like anyone’s going to be down with me changing it to Ermentrude or Theresa or Florence now, right? Right.
(Side note: I have no interest in any of those names, but I do like the sound of “Ermentrude.” Ermentrude would take care of BUSINESS, yo. She would STAND NO GUFF.)
There were a number of Amys in my school, and one in my graduating class. The one in my graduating class had a very similar LAST name as me, as well, so that made things confusing. Even more so when the man of my dreams (well, he was 15 at the time, so the teen of my dreams), I found out through the gossip-mill, was in love with Amy. I WAS AMY! My heart was so light for about two days. Until the gossip-mill (consisting of my friend T.) shamefacedly skulked back to me reporting that it was the OTHER Amy, who joked with me about it at our lockers a couple days later. “Isn’t that FUNNY that A. would have a crush on me? I am SO not interested,” she said. I wanted to bean her over her cheerful curly head with my largest textbook. HE WAS UTTER PERFECTION WHAT WAS WRONG WITH HER. (Up until I stumbled onto his Facebook page, I still thought he was. Then I realized…well, we’d make a terrible match. I’d go into more detail, but if someone who knows me reads this, and it gets back to him, I’d feel terrible. He seems like he’s turned into a very nice man, and I truly do wish him all the best, even if Amy=oil and Amy’s high-school crush=water. Very, very conservative Merkan-all-the-way water.)
However, I did learn, as I grew up, there were perks to having a popular name.
- I never had problems finding things that were personalized at souvenir shops. Pencils. Keychains. Ornaments. There were always a million “Amy” items. (I have a lot of friends who can’t say the same thing, and it makes them sadface.)
- People don’t mispronounce my name. (Well, my first name, anyway. Strangely, they mispronounce my last name, which is NOT A HARD NAME TO SAY. I don’t get it. They put a strange emphasis and an incorrect vowel pronunciation on the first syllable and it makes me want to stab kittens in the face-area.)
- There are a kabillion songs championing my glorious name.
It’s true! I am so vain that I think the songs are about me. So I did some research, and I found A MULTITUDE of songs with Amy in the title, not just the four that I knew. I know! It’s exciting, right? It totally is.
So I thought, let’s listen to them and discuss and rate them, because FUN. And because I’m self-centered and like to hear my own name over and over, who doesn’t like that.
Ready? (This is totally a two-day post. I’m not making you listen to twenty-some songs in one day. Even I’M not that insane. Part two might be tomorrow, but might be Monday. I have to go to Massachusetts after work tonight and won’t be home until many people are tucked safe in their beddy-byes.)
LET’S DO THIS!
“Amy” – Bobby Darin
This song is already putting me to sleep. Why is this so easy-listening? Blergh.
What the hell, “lovely as indigo?” I realize you were trying to make a rhyme with “snow” but that’s just lazy. There are a million words that have that long “o” in them. Also, you only want her to love you for a day? Why are you selling yourself short, Bobby Darin?
I do not approve of this Amy-song. I do not think this puts Amys in a good light. Also, I don’t like being compared to a color that’s only used when remembering the ROY G BIV thing.
“Amy” – Elton John
(Side note: I detest Elton John. Not as a human. I just don’t like his music. Well, I guess some of his songs are ok – but I don’t like his voice, so they’re ruined for me. But I like some covers of his songs.)
This song is kind of fun. I like this Amy. This Amy is wild and fancy-free. This Amy seems to be somewhat of a whore, as well. But she’s apparently very well-thought-of in the Elton John community, where they wear “romper boots and jeans.” Hee, romper boots.
This song also has an excellent line: “But Amy, you’re the girl that wrecks my dreams.”
I would very much like to be the girl that wrecks someone’s dreams. I’m good at wrecking things. Mostly fine china and potential.
“Amy, Amy, Amy” – Amy Winehouse
(Side note: when Amy Winehouse died I was at my part-time job and Twitter told me and I was on a break so I came back in and told people and they were all “NO!” and I really was surprised they were so shocked. Then someone actually said, “RIP, AMY!” in like this totally affected way and rolled their eyes up to the heavens and pointed a little and I got the giggles. No, it doesn’t mean I’m heartless. It means I have a low tolerance for people who do things in order to get attention.)
This song may have Amy in the title but it’s not about Amy. It’s about Amy Winehouse being unable to write music because all she wants to do is hump someone wearing Diesel jeans. I don’t know if I know anyone who owns Diesel jeans. Those things are EXPENSIVE, yo. Also, a tad douchey. I think I might be more attracted to men in khakis. Does this mean I’m getting old?
“Amy’s in the Attic” – Insane Clown Posse
(Side note: I knew from the band name this wasn’t going to go well.)
I think I deserve a medal for listening to this shit. First, it’s like rap but scarier. What is this. sj, you’d know. What kind of scary musical genre would this be called? Clowncore or some such shit? (OMG SIDE NOTE. Per sj: “They call themselves horrorcore, but they’re just shitty white rock-rappers.” THAT MADE ME LAUGH SO HARD I ALMOST PEED. Also, “horrorcore?” Bah. Clowncore is better. Clowns DENOTE horror. And insanity. And hiding-in-your-closet-ready-to-eat-your-face. It’s really a portmanteau of a word.) Anyway, this song is about a little boy who murders a little girl named Amy by accident on the playground and then hides her in the attic so NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW but it’s eleven years later and he’s haunted by her and her mouth is filled with maggots. This is terrible. Who listens to this band. If any of you listen to this band I think you need therapy. I don’t think this is a valid life choice.
Grade: F (and don’t you dare watch that video)
“Amy in the White Coat” – Bright Eyes
This is very pretty and very depressing and I think it’s about a girl who’s being abused at home and no one understands her at school. I like Bright Eyes. It’s not a CHEERFUL Amy song and it’s not an Amy song I can RELATE to and it never says Amy in the LYRICS but it’s totally pretty and sounds like he’s singing it in an abandoned warehouse and it’s all echoey. I like this a lot, even though it doesn’t fit my Amy-song criteria.
“Amy” – Green Day
(Side note: I have always liked Green Day, but since I saw American Idiot earlier this year I’ve been in love with them. I have high hopes for this.)
This is pretty. I like this a lot. Also, it has nice lyrics. “No one really knows about your soul/And I barely really know your name” and “Amy don’t you go/I want you around” are very nice. This is a very good Amy-song. This gets high Amy-song marks. It’s also a little sad, though. I think it’s about a lost girl. I can relate to the lost girls. So that makes it even better.
“Chasin’ Amy” – The Steve Helms Band
(Side note: This song came out in 2011. The MOVIE came out in 1997. THIS IS A VERY UNORIGINAL SONG TITLE. Also, is it really a “band” if there’s only one guy? Does he have multiple personality disorder or something?)
I can’t take this guy seriously. He looks like a bloated Cheech Marin. No one made out with you by the water, especially someone named Amy. Also, where are you having this concert, the break room of an insurance company? Do they even WANT you to be having that concert there?
“If U Seek Amy” – Britney Spears
(Side note: I was confused by the grammar of this song for quite some time.)
So this song, for those of you who are as out of the loop about things as I am, is a TRICKY PLAY ON WORDS! It says, “All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek Amy” and if you’re a GROWNUP you might be all, “WTF? that doesn’t grammatically make sense” but then you’re supposed to say it SUPER-FAST and then the “if you seek Amy” part sounds like “F-U-C-K me” but really only if you have a speech impediment because no matter how I say it, it still sounds like “IF-U-C-K me” and that doesn’t make any sense.
Also, the song makes no sense. It’s about people looking for someone named Amy cause they LURVE her, but then there’s that grammatically weird tag line in the middle and the whole thing is ridiculous. I get that she was trying to be super-naughty but that’s no reason to write bad music.
Mostly what I got from this video is how pretty Britney Spears was before she had a break with reality. Also? I would totally dance around the house to this while cleaning.
Grade: B- (it’s got a good beat, shut up)
“Miami, My Amy” – Keith Whitley
Oh, well this is promising, look at that little play on words up there. Miami looks like My Amy!
No. No no no. This is awful and sounds like the music I grew up with because my parents loved 8-track country. Also, the song has the worst narrative. This guy falls for this chick and says “I love you!” and she says “go away and I’ll call you later” but she can’t even wait and calls him like immediately. Also, he sounds like easy-listening country threw up in his mouth.
Who the hell is Keith Whitley? I’ve never heard of this person. Look at his feathery hair.
“Saving Amy” – Brantley Gilbert
(Side note: Dad says never to trust a man with two first names. That is all.)
This is a Christian song. I was tricked into listening to this. I don’t feel this was a nice thing to do to me. Even worse: it’s not even terrible. This guy doesn’t have a bad voice. The song is pretty sappy-bad, though. And that’s saying a lot because I’m a total fan of sappy deathy country songs. (I am not a fan of Christian songs of trickery, though.)
“Amy Hit the Atmosphere” – Counting Crows
(Side note: I still kind of like Counting Crows. Is that terrible? Shut up. “Anna Begins” is one of the most beautiful, saddest songs in the whole world.)
I don’t know what I think of this song. I feel like it’s being purposely vague, and I’m good at figuring shit out, usually. POETRY DEGREE, BABY. I’m meh on this song. I can take it or leave it. Sorry, Counting Crows.
WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED TODAY, BLOGGONIANS?
- Winning today’s post are “Amy” by Elton John, “Amy in the White Coat” by Bright Eyes, and “Amy” by Green Day. (However, I’m not in love with any of them. They’re GOOD, but they’re not STELLAR.)
- Losing today’s post are “Amy’s in the Attic” by Scary Clowns Trying to Rap, “Chasin’ Amy” by A Man Who Says He Has a Band But I Think It’s Just Him, and “Miami, My Amy” by Some Country Singer Who Apparently Died Young So I Feel Kind of Bad Mocking Him.
- None of these songs would win me over if you sang them to me in a wooing fashion.
Stay tuned, interwebs! We have MORE AMY SONGS coming up tomorrow! TEN MORE! (Possibly even MORE if I stumble upon them in my travels!) If you mention Amy songs in the comments, I will neither confirm or deny if they will be included! Because that will be spoily!
Happy Saturday to you! May your days be both merry AND bright. And may you find a song written about you that does not include you being murdered, stuffed in an attic, and then haunting your killer with a mouth filled with maggots. *shudder*