The dream girl of every 80s teen heartthrob everywhere

This will probably be brief(ish) but you get a surprise at the end so that’ll take that sting right outta there.

So, as stated yesterday, I had to go to the drugstore and get a mouthguard. The mouthguard is so I don’t continue grinding away on my teeth due to all the daytime stress that translates into nighttime stress and that, apparently, I am taking out on my poor jaw and teeth.

Hee! STRESS SHIELD! Yeah, I'm thinking this isn't going to work.

Hee! STRESS SHIELD! Yeah, I’m thinking this isn’t going to work.

(I think it’s lucky I’m not nighttime-punching or something. Poor Dumbcat. He’d get like a punch in the middle of the night and be all, “MOM WHY ME WHAT DID I DO?” and I wouldn’t even be awake to respond. So I suppose my nighttime destructiveness isn’t hurting anyone but me. Much like most of my daytime destructiveness, if we’re honest.)

This is a terrifying illustration. I don't care for this at all.

This is a terrifying illustration. I don’t care for this at all.

So I went to the drugstore and had four choices of mouthguards. One was the most expensive. It also seemed to have metal and springs involved. I was not too keen on putting metal and springs in my mouth. Doesn’t that seem like a mistake and also you’d wake up and have given yourself, like, LITERAL LOCKJAW or something? Also, I have a tongue ring, and I just KNOW that’d get all tangled in there. No thanks.

The next one down price-wise seemed very reasonable and had reassuring comments on the box.

The other two looked very cheap, and like they would slice my gums to ribbons with sharp plastic. I was not a fan of waking up all bloody-gummed. It didn’t seem like a better option than grinding my teeth to stumps.

So I got the second-most-expensive one and when I got it home, I took out the instruction sheet and HOLY CRAP was it detailed.

You had to boil water. Then put the mouthguard in a special plastic bracket. Then put the mouthguard in the boiling water for three minutes to soften it. Then dip it for NO MORE THAN TEN SECONDS ZOMG! in room-temperature water. Then RUN TO THE BATHROOM and insert (hee) the bracket containing the softened mouthguard in your mouth, being VERY SURE it lined up properly to your two front teeth. Then you had to CHOMP ALL DOWN AS HARD AS YOU COULD for TWO WHOLE MINUTES. This was not an easy task because I have TMJ so I can’t chomp down for longer than a few seconds or my jaw locks up. So I was standing there counting off seconds with my locky jaw radiating out ALL THE PAIN while I waited for this thing to settle into the shape of my teeth.

This is the thing I bought. FANCY SCHMANCY.

This is the thing I bought. FANCY SCHMANCY.

Then you ran it under cool water and made sure it fit your teeth.


But it makes me sound like an 80s nerd when I talk, which is kind of more hilarious than it need be. So I walked around saying things with my mouthguard in like a BOSS.

(Mom was all, “You know you’re not really obligated to TALK with that thing in, right? You’re just supposed to wear it to sleep. And you don’t TALK while you’re SLEEPING.” Well, most people don’t, Mom. I do. I’ve been told by both roommates AND romantic conquests that I’m QUITE chatty in my sleep about a BROAD variety of topics, none of which make much sense, thank you very much.)

So…I promised to show you all my pretty, pretty mouthguard, which will, undoubtedly, make me very popular with suitors.

So I made you a video. Because that’s how *I* roll, yo.


(Yeah, I don’t know what the hell with the lighting in here, either. I promise it’s not as yellow in real life. And my hair usually doesn’t look THAT insane. I mean, INSANE, but a little LESS insane. And why in that picture does it look like my arm is growing out of my neck?)

Happy Friday, people of the blog. I hope you have the best weekends. I have a big weekend of work and running off to Massachusetts to review a murder mystery and then running home to write the review and then crashing out with my new boyfriend, Dentek the Mouthguard.


(Side note: Dad says I’m not allowed to post this because if I DO, you all will start calling me “Bucketmouth.” I asked him to elaborate, and he said “You know, like people get called when they have things in their mouths.” I don’t know that anyone’s ever been called “Bucketmouth” in the history of, like, EVER, but it made me giggle. A LOT.)

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

24 responses to “The dream girl of every 80s teen heartthrob everywhere

  • Heather


    Bucketmouth? I’ve never heard that before. Tell your dad the woman truck driver has never heard that before, and if anyone has, it would be the woman truck driver. Heh.

    1. My hair does that in rain and humidity, too.

    2. My mom also has to wear a mouth guard to bed when she’s under a lot of stress.

    3. You sound ALL THE SEXY when you talk with the mouth guard in. Pervs everywhere will be FLOCKING to your blog now. Hee!


    • lucysfootball

      I told Dad you called me Bucketmouth and he said “I TOLD YOU SO!” then denied ever saying Bucketmouth then I REMINDED him about Bucketmouth and he was like, “Oh, yeah, well I didn’t MEAN Bucketmouth, I meant things LIKE Bucketmouth, but that was the best I could come up with.”

      Dad would have been a terrible bully, I think, if the best insult he could come up with was “Bucketmouth.”

      Oh, pervs. Well, you take page views where you can get them, I guess? I’m going to have to start writing pervier posts to keep my new friends around. Sigh.


  • blogginglily

    SWEET! It’s like peewee football all over again…same-same mouthguard. And all these sweet children learning to play football talking to each other while simultaneously wearing their mouthguards. Good times. Also drooling.

    Also…if you keep practicing with your mouthguard you could be like the modern day Demosthenes.


    • lucysfootball

      Hee! Dad will be so pleased, this is the closest I’ve come to sports EVER.

      I assume you’re talking about Demosthenes’ speech impediment, but I liked this when I was reading about him: “According to Plutarch, when Demosthenes first addressed himself to the people, he was derided for his strange and uncouth style, ‘which was cumbered with long sentences and tortured with formal arguments to a most harsh and disagreeable excess.'” CUMBERED WITH LONG SENTENCES!

      I’m totally cumbered, Jim.


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Dammit! I was going to say something about the mouth guard fetish thing, but you beat me to it.

    But yes, there are plenty of sites on the subject. Apparently.


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    (And hi, by the way. Back from my holiday in the northernmost part of Jämtland now and hoping to be better at commenting and liking your posts from now on.)


    • lucysfootball


      You were most missed. You were asked a sciency question in the comments somewhere. I don’t remember where now.

      I’m glad you’re back. And I still love Jämtland because it is a LAND of JAM. And you can be as good or as bad at liking and commenting as you want; I’ll still like you the most.


  • Charleen

    Ha! Wooing!

    I saw a Buzzfeed list today of how you know if you’re a real-life Hermione Granger. #1 on the list – physically incapable of controlling your hair! (#2 was that there’s nowhere you’d rather be than the library… I just stopped right there because the accuracy of this list was freaking me out.)


    • lucysfootball

      Wooing would be the best, wouldn’t it? I’d like someone to pitch a little woo. That may or may not be a euphemism.

      I’d be pleased to be a real-life Hermione Granger. She’s kickass.


  • aliceatwonderland

    Oh, man, I tried one of those over the counter mouth guards and it didn’t work. I had to keep my mouth closed to keep it in, and with my allergies, not being able to breath through my mouth some is a problem. It wouldn’t fit right either. So I finally coughed up the money for a dentist to make one. And it was NOT cheap, nor covered by insurance. Interestingly, crowns are covered by insurance, which are much more costly and could be prevented by mouth guards, but I digress. Anyway, I got the really fancy smancy dentist one – it just fits on my lower teeth and it works. Yay.

    Stupid TMJ. For a while I thought I was getting constant sinus infections then my doctor just poked the sides of my cheeks and OW.


    • lucysfootball

      I wonder if a lower-teeth one would be better? If this one ends up not working, I’ll ask my dentist that. It might be that it’s on top that’s the problem.

      You have TMJ, too? Are you just dealing with it, or did you have surgery or anything? I’m just putting up with it, but I suppose if it gets worse I’ll have to get something done.


      • aliceatwonderland

        I’ve just used the mouth guard. So far it’s helped some – I know when I forget because I usually get one of those headaches. Trying to do some jaw exercises when I think of it too. Supposedly you’re supposed to be able to fit four fingers of your fist in your mouth. I’m not sure why you’d want to do that, but it’s supposed to show how flexible your jaw is. I can’t do it.

        The bottom one does work a LOT better, at least for me. I don’t have to worry about keeping it up there, etc. And when the dentist does it then it’s an exact fit and not bulky.


        • lucysfootball

          I just tried. By “four fingers of your fist,” you mean, make a fist and see if the knuckle-parts of your fingers can go in your mouth?

          I can do that. What do I win?

          Other than a million pervs who will hit my blog the minute I hit publish on this because I have large mouth-capacity, I guess.


  • Corvidae in the Fields

    Are you shtaring a my headgear, Shtan? Shtop shtaring at my headgear.

    I dodged having dental work growing up. The only problem with that is the gap between my two front teeth. It’s minor, but can be annoying. Best of luck on protecting your teeth. Dentures don’t sound like much fun, unless you can wind them up and send them across the table.


  • grrgoyl

    LOL You’re South Park Shelly!

    I don’t have teeth grinding, but instead an extremely rare affliction called catathrenia. It sort of falls under sleep apnea and involves a lot of moaning and stopping breathing while I sleep. I moan so loudly that Tery can’t even sleep with me and is banished to the couch. There’s no real way to treat it because hardly anyone has even heard of it! I tried a small plastic appliance that props your nostrils open (like a Breathe Right strip in reverse), which produced lovely increased oxygen intake but didn’t do a damn thing to help the problem.

    You would think having such a rare, exotic illness would be exciting, but it’s not really.


    • lucysfootball

      I AM SHELLY!

      Hmm. That IS a rare illness! Probably the problem with rare illnesses is that no one tries very hard to fix them, because so few people have them. That would be annoying.


  • becomingcliche

    Dear Bucket Mouth, I’m glad you and the mouth guard are on a first name basis. Sounds like a match made in heaven.

    I used to work in a residential treatment program, and every once in a while we’d have to fit a kid for a mouth guard. We had no water hotter than 100 degrees because it was residential treatment. We didn’t want the kids boiling themselves in the shower. The first time we saw those instructions, I think we all cried a little.


    • lucysfootball

      We are in the midst of a breakup, sadly. Dentek is giving me the sorest jaw and making it hard for me to eat. So I think Dentek and I will be parting ways this evening.

      Those instructions are TERRIBLE. So many steps! So intricate! So jaw-locky!


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