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Kind-of-Sort-of-Ask-Lucy a.k.a. I CAN ANSWER THAT! (Volume 15)

Whoo-hoo! I know you were all on the EDGES of your SEATS, just utterly BATED-BREATHING, waiting to see if this would happen this month. AND IT IS! IT WILL! Look at that! Happy days! HAPPY DAYS!

So, in case you don’t remember, or are new here, here’s a quick rundown of what’s happening. Since we skipped this recurring nonsense last month due to lack of questions, some people might be head-scratchy right now. And that might be due to lice; I don’t know your life. But it ALSO might be due to CONFUSION, and if I can help with that, I’m happy to.

Because the search terms posts tend to be insanely long, I break them up into two posts: an open letter to people who find my blog accidentally and a post with just the QUESTIONS that drive people to my blog. And I answer those questions to the best of my ability, and I give advice, some of which is more serious than the rest. And last month we didn’t have enough questions so this post had to be carefully packed in mothballs and put in the closet, but this month I am able to SET IT FREE! And dude, now it totally reeks of mothballs in here, whew.

So, yet again! 

Welcome to…  

Kind-of-sort-of Ask Lucy.  

Subtitled: I CAN ANSWER THAT!  

These are all ACTUAL SEARCH TERMS that brought people to my blog. So these people totally need my help, obviously, because they came to Google SEARCHING FOR HELP. And they obviously didn’t find it, because they ended up here. And how am I supposed to just leave them hanging? I can’t do that. It makes me too sad. I don’t like to see people lost and wandering. It makes me want to give them a map, and maybe a cookie.

how can i train bing to find my blog?

The question mark and the Google colors say it all, really.

The question mark and the Google colors say it all, really.

Hee, “train” Bing. Like it’s a naughty puppy that keeps piddling on the rug. Well, first, are you really using Bing? Does anyone actually use Bing? I feel like Bing is a huge Gob-Bluth sized mistake. Those commercials for Bing that come on TV? I totally yell at those. “NO ONE USES YOUR PRODUCT! THE WORD “GOOGLE” HAS REPLACED THE WORD “SEARCH” ON THE INTERNET! WHY WOULD YOU BOTHER TO EVEN ENTER THAT MARKET? NO ONE’S EVER GOING TO SAY ‘BING THAT, DUDE!’ BECAUSE IT SOUNDS PERVY!” I don’t know if there’s any “training” a search engine. I think it learns from people’s searches, and also I know Google puts you higher in their search terms based on some sort of complicated algorithm. I doubt Bing has an algorithm. I think they have hamsters running on wheels. You’re welcome, stop using inferior search engines.

how get rid people you may know facebook asshole OK, first, I have to ask: why is the word “asshole” in your search just hanging out there? It’s so strangely-placed. And second, I’ve told you all a million times, you cannot get rid of that. JUST DON’T LOOK AT IT. Or if it bothers you so much, you have two options: a., put a piece of paper over that section whenever you go on Facebook, or b., STOP USING FACEBOOK. It is a free service. If you hate one of the functions of it that much, you pretty much work around it, or you stop using it. You’re welcome, you cussy bastard.

how many times a day does the average person fart Well, this is somewhat sciency. I suppose. I will research this for you. (How did this question get you HERE? I don’t even know that I USE the word fart. Like, not OFTEN.) The internet says the answer is 14, and we produce half a liter of gas a day. Half a liter. Are we in Europe, here, Google? No, we are not. In MERKAN measurements, that’s 2.11 cups of gas a day. And that makes me giggle. Sorry, sometimes I’m about 5 years old. You’re welcome, now you know a new thing. About farting.

how to get a lifetime supply of red bull

No. I have no interest in coming to your world. Stay away, world.

No. I have no interest in coming to your world. Stay away, world.

Good grief, why would you want this? Red Bull tastes like electrified ass. It’s TERRIBLE. I can’t imagine how you would get this. But I’m here to answer your questions. So…um…I guess you might win a contest where the prize is a lifetime supply of Red Bull? Or you could be like one of those coupon hoarder people on that show I used to watch about couponing who had like an additional room for their stashes and when there’s an excellent sale on Red Bull, you could buy additional coupons from one of those sites that sells coupons and then buy a lot of cheap Red Bull and if you bought enough of it, it’d be enough for a lifetime? But seriously, you don’t need that much Red Bull. Just get more sleep. Maybe take an iron supplement or something. Seriously, that shit is GROSS. You’re welcome, take better care of your body.

how to start a conversation at happy hour Aw, this is sweet and kind of sad. Don’t be cheesy, is my suggestion. Maybe just start a conversation like a normal human. “Whew, crowded in here tonight, right?” If he/she responds in a manner that implies that they might want to talk more (as in, they smile, or talk to you) then continue on from there. Introduce yourself. Say something that starts conversation, not something dead-endy like “You are drinking wine. Do you like wine?” Then he/she says yes, and where do you go from there, you know? “Me too?” You sound like a weirdo. Just don’t say one of those things like “Heaven must be crying tonight, because it lost one of its angels” or “Your legs must be tired, you’ve been running through my dreams all night” because, well, no. Thanks. (SIDE NOTE: once, a weirdo tried to pick up my pretty friend at a bar. She was singing along with the song that was playing a little, and he was all, “Gah, you KNOW this song? THIS SONG SUCKS!” all loud in her face. Then he just stood there grinning. I think he thought this was a good opening gambit. It was not. Not at all. She avoided him the rest of the night, and he just looked SO CONFUSED. What was his mistake? Anyone? Anyone? HE SCREAMED AT HER. And also told her that her taste in music sucked. Not sexy, guy. Not even a little.) You’re welcome, Datey McGillicutty, good luck meeting the lady/fella of your dreams. Also, sometimes at happy hour they have delicious tacos. Make sure you have some of those delicious tacos.

is “i’ve got you covered” a euphemism Well, I’m going to let you in on a secret. ANYTHING can be a euphemism, if you want it to be. “I was petting my cat.” EUPHEMISM. “I like lollipops.” EUPHEMISM. “You got your chocolate in my peanut butter.” TOTAL EUPHEMISM. “We were having all the sex.” Not really a euphemism, just telling it like it is, really, and good for you, I guess my happy hour advice worked. So, is “I’ve got you covered” a euphemism? Could be. Depends on how you, or the person saying it, used it. Do you want it to be? Then it is. You’re welcome. Get your chocolate out of my peanut butter, I don’t know where that’s been.

is there any porn where the people don’t look slutty I’d assume so. I’m not a porn connoisseur. I have seen some terrible low-budget porn where it looked like the people didn’t realize they were in a porn and were wearing like sweats and no makeup? Does that fit your criteria? I can’t point you in the direction of those movies, though, because they were at the video store where I used to work that had a totally skeevy porn room with things like midget porn and pregnant-lady porn in it, too. And it’s since closed down. Where did all that porn go? I cannot tell you that because I do not know. You’re welcome. I applaud your need for realistic porn. As much as I can applaud anyone’s need for dirty movies.

what are opposites of im lover not fighter Opposites? Um…I’m a fighter, not a lover? You’re welcome? I think? That seemed too easy.

what do i do with lucys football Huh. What DO you do with me. Well, you could take me out for a nice dinner! You could take me to a play! You could take me mini-golfing! (Dude, I LOVE mini-golf, why haven’t I done that in ever?) You could hang out with me and Dumbcat and watch some bad television! You could buy me some canned olives because I forgot to buy them when I went grocery shopping this week! Wait, is this a naughty question? If this is naughty, you’re going to have to take me out for a very NICE dinner first. And also I’m going to have to be attracted to you, and that’s a hell of a lot more difficult. Because I have the weirdest criteria for attraction in the WHOLE WORLD. So probably just the mini-golf, then. You’re welcome. You’re paying for the mini-golf, right? Cool.

what does it mean when hot puffs of air are around you Well, it could be ghosts. Or your house could be on fire. Or you could be in a hot-air popcorn popper, I suppose. This is an odd question. You’re welcome. Maybe get an air conditioner.

is it okay to give dry noodles to wildlife?

PEANUTS NOT NOODLES!

PEANUTS NOT NOODLES!

Hee! No, probably not, but I have this mental image of you thowing dry Ramen and macaroni at squirrels and I kind of can’t stop giggling. UNGH! MACARONI AT THE SQUIRREL! Yeah, but no. Don’t do this. I don’t know why you would even want to. You’re welcome, feed them some seeds or something.

why shouldn’t you sit directly in front of an aircon

This dude's cool with it!

This dude’s cool with it!

Shit, I don’t know. I do it all the time when it’s hot. Who cares? Are you not supposed to do that? Will you catch Legionnaire’s Disease or something? Once I caught a terrible cold after staying in a hotel and told everyone I had Legionnaire’s Disease. Also, who calls the AC the “aircon?” This question does nothing more than raise more questions. You’re welcome. As far as I’m concerned, you hang out as much as you want in front of your aircon, you heatstroking weirdo.

There we go! Helping people! Answering questions! Being helpful! We are the best around these here parts!

Until next month – may all your questions be answered. And may you eat some delicious chocolate. And also giggle a lot. With your wonderful friends. All good things, jellybeans. All the best of good things. All for you.

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

29 responses to “Kind-of-Sort-of-Ask-Lucy a.k.a. I CAN ANSWER THAT! (Volume 15)

  • sortaginger

    Ha, I just did one of these posts today. The only difference is, my search results actually make sense.

    Now I realize I really need to write more random stuff more often.

    Like

  • Corvidae in the Fields

    True, anything can be used as a euphemism. So, that’s why I gave up worrying about it. It’s very liberating, and Reese’s Peanut Butter cups are way better than the subject being euphemized anyway.

    Like

  • grrgoyl

    Okay, a) I also hate Bing. My search engine is actually “Swagbucks,” which supposedly borrows from Google for results but the real draw is that you’re randomly awarded Swagbucks for searches that you can cash in for real prizes! I’ve scored hundreds of dollars in Amazon gift cards (over a course of years, so don’t get excited. Usually $5 at a time). But lately when I use my Swagbucks, Bing appears out of nowhere and hijacks my internet and pops up totally unwanted. GO AWAY, BING, YOU SUCK.

    b) It wasn’t until reading the “lucysfootball” question that it dawned on me that’s a Peanuts reference. Right? I never knew that before.

    c) You missed the obvious callback response to “being surrounded by puffs of hot air” — maybe they’re farts? I’m SO disappointed in you.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Yahoo sometimes pops up for me. It makes me so mad. I DO NOT WANT YOU, YAHOO!

      It IS a Peanuts reference! I talk about it in my FAQ (way up at the top.) Short version: senior year of high school, I wrote an essay about how life was like Peanuts, and we all had a lot in common with Lucy’s football – things kept getting dangled in front of us, then yanked. I was a wee pessimist, even at 17, apparently. I liked it so much, 20 years later, I cannibalized it for my blog title.

      I DID miss that. Probably because ew. Farts. SO MANY FARTS.

      Like

  • sj

    I noticed that TVD is NOT AT ALL SUBTLE about trying to convince people to use Bing. “I looked it up on Bing, and…”

    NO! NO ONE USES BING, ELENA! Except maybe Karen’s husband.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      TVD is terrible about that. I think it’s the whole CW, actually. I’ve noticed that on a lot of CW shows. They’ll have tablets that only use Bing. And they’re high school students. NO ONE USES BING.

      Except Karen’s husband. You’re totally right about that one. He also uses Internet Explorer, and has an AOL email address.

      Like

  • becomingcliche

    I just heart you, Amy. You’re the best.

    Thanks to you, I realized I AM in a popcorn popper. Close one, dude. Close one.

    Like

  • franhunne4u

    No, no pasta for wildlife! It won’t die from it, I suppose, but wildlife should never get used to human food – or do you want it to search your trash bin – or sneak into your kitchen?

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Actually, yes. I do want it to sneak into my kitchen. Because then we could be INTERSPECIES FRIENDS!

      Well, as long as it’s not a skunk or a bear.

      Like

      • franhunne4u

        Bingo – bears ARE already so used to human food, they sneak not only in garbage cans but try to get into houses as well. Just guess how Dumbcat would react with a hungry racoon in HIS realm!

        Like

        • cynthiaw

          One of my friend’s dad lives in the mountains outside of El Paso. Bears also live in the mountains outside of El Paso. One night, one of his new neighbors called him to ask what she should do – she woke up to the sound of the tv in the middle of the night, went downstairs and found a bear sitting in her living room, watching tv, and eating a pound of bacon that it had retrieved from her fridge.

          She called the sheriff’s department and then was aghast that they weren’t going to shoot it – they had to explain that shooting it would probably just make it mad and it would rampage through her house before, maybe, dying because they just had their duty weapons. Plus, why should the bear have to die because she didn’t properly bear-proof her stuff? It’s not like he was hurting anyone. They waited for fish and wildlife to show up and they lured the bear out of the house with…. BEER.

          I think that, like many city slickers, she decided that mountain living wasn’t for her and moved shortly thereafter.

          Like

          • lucysfootball

            OMG BEAR IN THE LIVING ROOM.

            How many photos of that bear could I take before it would eat my face? Because you know I’d be taking some.

            Like

            • cynthiaw

              I would video that bear from the landing – that way if he started coming for me, I could make it up to my bedroom and lock myself in before he got me.

              I think that he was more interested in bacon than in eating humans.

              Like

  • cynthiaw

    Plus, dude, too much Red Bull CAN KILL YOU! Nobody needs a “lifetime supply” of Red Bull.

    Like

  • poetlandia

    I’ll chime in on no human food for wildlife. THey have tiny stomachs. If they don’t fill them up with their natural diet they get the wildlife version of rickets. (Not really rickets, though, I bet Andreas would know – is it rude to put that on Andreas? Sorry Andreas. But I’m not going to Bing it to find out. MUAHAHA) No noodles!

    I tried Bing and whatever they are doing just gives me advertising. Dear Bing, put your ads on the side, babe. Otherwise I’m annoyed by the obvious attempt to sell me stuff I don’t want.

    I think you can get RedBull free if you go to Coachella because I used to live near where that happens every year (I could hear the music without paying for a ticket, just sitting on my lawn, so that’s close) and there would be about a half a dozen Red Bull cars at the pharmacy, all of them staffed by really pretty girls so I’m guessing that’s why people drink it. But I am also guessing they only give one can per Coachella person and tickets to Coachella are pricey so that’s probably a terrible idea.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I am very anti-human-food for pets. So I’ll extend that to wildlife as well. (Except once and a while I like to feed the ducks at this one pond. It makes me happy. Can I still feed them a few crackers? What do we all think about that? They LOVE me there. And follow me around like I am Duck Jesus.)

      Andreas loves to be sciency. And he’s coming home tomorrow from a vacation with limited internet. I think he’ll help!

      Bing is terrible. Although their front page is pretty. They have animals on it. Sometimes penguins.

      Ugh, Redbull and pretty girls to sell it. No thanks. Blech. I tried Redbull once and it was like sticking my tongue in a lightsocket.

      Like

    • Andreas Heinakroon

      Back from the wilderness.

      I guess it would depend on the type of wildlife, but yes, feeding them human food is most likely a bad idea. Hedgehogs for instance are lactose intolerant but people still feed the cow’s milk. The poor buggers could actually die from dehydration after getting diarrhoea. And a lot of our food is highly processed and enriched in salt, fat and sugar. (A small note: if our human food is not fit for animals, how come we still think it’s a good idea to eat it ourselves?)

      Like

      • lucysfootball

        Aw, hedgehogs! I so want to see a real-life hedgehog someday and touch them and see what they feel like.

        (People feed orphaned animals cow’s milk often, too, and it’s not good for them. There’s special formula that’s better, or even soy milk’s better, but people think “BABIES NEED MILK!” and get the milk out of the fridge.)

        Like

  • Samantha

    Yeah, those commercials totally lie. I have yet to meet someone who uses Bing on a regular basis. Google all the way. Sorry Bing.

    I am so excited because I’ve been going to Taco Tuesdays lately at our local reimagined Mexican restaurant, and it is delicious, and also during Happy Hour, which means $4 tacos and $4 wine. :D

    And now I want noodles.

    Like

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