Whoo-hoo! I know you were all on the EDGES of your SEATS, just utterly BATED-BREATHING, waiting to see if this would happen this month. AND IT IS! IT WILL! Look at that! Happy days! HAPPY DAYS!
So, in case you don’t remember, or are new here, here’s a quick rundown of what’s happening. Since we skipped this recurring nonsense last month due to lack of questions, some people might be head-scratchy right now. And that might be due to lice; I don’t know your life. But it ALSO might be due to CONFUSION, and if I can help with that, I’m happy to.
Because the search terms posts tend to be insanely long, I break them up into two posts: an open letter to people who find my blog accidentally and a post with just the QUESTIONS that drive people to my blog. And I answer those questions to the best of my ability, and I give advice, some of which is more serious than the rest. And last month we didn’t have enough questions so this post had to be carefully packed in mothballs and put in the closet, but this month I am able to SET IT FREE! And dude, now it totally reeks of mothballs in here, whew.
So, yet again!
Kind-of-sort-of Ask Lucy.
Subtitled: I CAN ANSWER THAT!
These are all ACTUAL SEARCH TERMS that brought people to my blog. So these people totally need my help, obviously, because they came to Google SEARCHING FOR HELP. And they obviously didn’t find it, because they ended up here. And how am I supposed to just leave them hanging? I can’t do that. It makes me too sad. I don’t like to see people lost and wandering. It makes me want to give them a map, and maybe a cookie.
how can i train bing to find my blog?
Hee, “train” Bing. Like it’s a naughty puppy that keeps piddling on the rug. Well, first, are you really using Bing? Does anyone actually use Bing? I feel like Bing is a huge Gob-Bluth sized mistake. Those commercials for Bing that come on TV? I totally yell at those. “NO ONE USES YOUR PRODUCT! THE WORD “GOOGLE” HAS REPLACED THE WORD “SEARCH” ON THE INTERNET! WHY WOULD YOU BOTHER TO EVEN ENTER THAT MARKET? NO ONE’S EVER GOING TO SAY ‘BING THAT, DUDE!’ BECAUSE IT SOUNDS PERVY!” I don’t know if there’s any “training” a search engine. I think it learns from people’s searches, and also I know Google puts you higher in their search terms based on some sort of complicated algorithm. I doubt Bing has an algorithm. I think they have hamsters running on wheels. You’re welcome, stop using inferior search engines.
how get rid people you may know facebook asshole OK, first, I have to ask: why is the word “asshole” in your search just hanging out there? It’s so strangely-placed. And second, I’ve told you all a million times, you cannot get rid of that. JUST DON’T LOOK AT IT. Or if it bothers you so much, you have two options: a., put a piece of paper over that section whenever you go on Facebook, or b., STOP USING FACEBOOK. It is a free service. If you hate one of the functions of it that much, you pretty much work around it, or you stop using it. You’re welcome, you cussy bastard.
how many times a day does the average person fart Well, this is somewhat sciency. I suppose. I will research this for you. (How did this question get you HERE? I don’t even know that I USE the word fart. Like, not OFTEN.) The internet says the answer is 14, and we produce half a liter of gas a day. Half a liter. Are we in Europe, here, Google? No, we are not. In MERKAN measurements, that’s 2.11 cups of gas a day. And that makes me giggle. Sorry, sometimes I’m about 5 years old. You’re welcome, now you know a new thing. About farting.
how to get a lifetime supply of red bull
Good grief, why would you want this? Red Bull tastes like electrified ass. It’s TERRIBLE. I can’t imagine how you would get this. But I’m here to answer your questions. So…um…I guess you might win a contest where the prize is a lifetime supply of Red Bull? Or you could be like one of those coupon hoarder people on that show I used to watch about couponing who had like an additional room for their stashes and when there’s an excellent sale on Red Bull, you could buy additional coupons from one of those sites that sells coupons and then buy a lot of cheap Red Bull and if you bought enough of it, it’d be enough for a lifetime? But seriously, you don’t need that much Red Bull. Just get more sleep. Maybe take an iron supplement or something. Seriously, that shit is GROSS. You’re welcome, take better care of your body.
how to start a conversation at happy hour Aw, this is sweet and kind of sad. Don’t be cheesy, is my suggestion. Maybe just start a conversation like a normal human. “Whew, crowded in here tonight, right?” If he/she responds in a manner that implies that they might want to talk more (as in, they smile, or talk to you) then continue on from there. Introduce yourself. Say something that starts conversation, not something dead-endy like “You are drinking wine. Do you like wine?” Then he/she says yes, and where do you go from there, you know? “Me too?” You sound like a weirdo. Just don’t say one of those things like “Heaven must be crying tonight, because it lost one of its angels” or “Your legs must be tired, you’ve been running through my dreams all night” because, well, no. Thanks. (SIDE NOTE: once, a weirdo tried to pick up my pretty friend at a bar. She was singing along with the song that was playing a little, and he was all, “Gah, you KNOW this song? THIS SONG SUCKS!” all loud in her face. Then he just stood there grinning. I think he thought this was a good opening gambit. It was not. Not at all. She avoided him the rest of the night, and he just looked SO CONFUSED. What was his mistake? Anyone? Anyone? HE SCREAMED AT HER. And also told her that her taste in music sucked. Not sexy, guy. Not even a little.) You’re welcome, Datey McGillicutty, good luck meeting the lady/fella of your dreams. Also, sometimes at happy hour they have delicious tacos. Make sure you have some of those delicious tacos.
is “i’ve got you covered” a euphemism Well, I’m going to let you in on a secret. ANYTHING can be a euphemism, if you want it to be. “I was petting my cat.” EUPHEMISM. “I like lollipops.” EUPHEMISM. “You got your chocolate in my peanut butter.” TOTAL EUPHEMISM. “We were having all the sex.” Not really a euphemism, just telling it like it is, really, and good for you, I guess my happy hour advice worked. So, is “I’ve got you covered” a euphemism? Could be. Depends on how you, or the person saying it, used it. Do you want it to be? Then it is. You’re welcome. Get your chocolate out of my peanut butter, I don’t know where that’s been.
is there any porn where the people don’t look slutty I’d assume so. I’m not a porn connoisseur. I have seen some terrible low-budget porn where it looked like the people didn’t realize they were in a porn and were wearing like sweats and no makeup? Does that fit your criteria? I can’t point you in the direction of those movies, though, because they were at the video store where I used to work that had a totally skeevy porn room with things like midget porn and pregnant-lady porn in it, too. And it’s since closed down. Where did all that porn go? I cannot tell you that because I do not know. You’re welcome. I applaud your need for realistic porn. As much as I can applaud anyone’s need for dirty movies.
what are opposites of im lover not fighter Opposites? Um…I’m a fighter, not a lover? You’re welcome? I think? That seemed too easy.
what do i do with lucys football Huh. What DO you do with me. Well, you could take me out for a nice dinner! You could take me to a play! You could take me mini-golfing! (Dude, I LOVE mini-golf, why haven’t I done that in ever?) You could hang out with me and Dumbcat and watch some bad television! You could buy me some canned olives because I forgot to buy them when I went grocery shopping this week! Wait, is this a naughty question? If this is naughty, you’re going to have to take me out for a very NICE dinner first. And also I’m going to have to be attracted to you, and that’s a hell of a lot more difficult. Because I have the weirdest criteria for attraction in the WHOLE WORLD. So probably just the mini-golf, then. You’re welcome. You’re paying for the mini-golf, right? Cool.
what does it mean when hot puffs of air are around you Well, it could be ghosts. Or your house could be on fire. Or you could be in a hot-air popcorn popper, I suppose. This is an odd question. You’re welcome. Maybe get an air conditioner.
is it okay to give dry noodles to wildlife?
Hee! No, probably not, but I have this mental image of you thowing dry Ramen and macaroni at squirrels and I kind of can’t stop giggling. UNGH! MACARONI AT THE SQUIRREL! Yeah, but no. Don’t do this. I don’t know why you would even want to. You’re welcome, feed them some seeds or something.
why shouldn’t you sit directly in front of an aircon
Shit, I don’t know. I do it all the time when it’s hot. Who cares? Are you not supposed to do that? Will you catch Legionnaire’s Disease or something? Once I caught a terrible cold after staying in a hotel and told everyone I had Legionnaire’s Disease. Also, who calls the AC the “aircon?” This question does nothing more than raise more questions. You’re welcome. As far as I’m concerned, you hang out as much as you want in front of your aircon, you heatstroking weirdo.
There we go! Helping people! Answering questions! Being helpful! We are the best around these here parts!
Until next month – may all your questions be answered. And may you eat some delicious chocolate. And also giggle a lot. With your wonderful friends. All good things, jellybeans. All the best of good things. All for you.