Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:
It is July! Just barely. Almost August. I know, I’m totally getting this in under the wire, here. Sorry, vacation got in the way. And I couldn’t find the way to retrieve my stats and make this post pretty from a cell phone. Having the cell phone was awesome on vacation, but it had its limitations. One of which was blogging prettily. (However, I have to say that apps have really stepped it up. You can now access and edit Google Docs from your cell phone. Were you aware of this? It is a most awesome thing and allows you to do work while you have no access to your laptop.)
So, just in case you’re new, let me catch you up on this recurring post. I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (this is the twenty-fifth one. I know. A QUARTER OF A HUNDRED. It’s really most impressive and/or worrisome. If you’re interested, search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? Might as well ask why Dumbcat runs into things with his skull. Just the way things are, I suppose.
So I’m going to break you down into categories and address you in groups, except for those of you who get your OWN SECTION. Maybe you’ll make some new friends, those of you in groups. Won’t that be nice? Sure. Sure it will. Maybe you’ll fall in LURVE. You can never tell. Stranger things have happened.
So here we go. You were all quite searchy this month. Incorrectly searchy, but searchy nonetheless.
Category the First: It’s the incorrect ellipses that makes this sadder than sad. And all those lower-case letters.
.. i also lonely..
Aw, honey. I’m sorry. Lonely’s the worst. Try to connect. Try to find your people. They’re out there. I promise. You can find them. They’re waiting for you. And while they may not put an end to your loneliness, they’ll help. And you can talk to them. And the talking makes the loneliness a little more bearable. I promise.
Category the Second: Bad idea.
a piercing by your eye
Eyebrow: sure. If you like those, go for it. But I worry so much about people that get ones near their eyes. Because almost every piercing I’ve gotten has gotten infected. (Surprisingly, the tongue ring did not.) It’s a brief infection, and it goes away pretty quickly…but I worry when it’s near your eye. Which is what you use to see. So maybe don’t get one right there? I’m just looking out for you. Looking out? Eye? Get it?
Category the Third: Don’t write her a letter. It’s not even worth it, yo.
Honestly, the best way to deal with these people is usually to ignore them, and eventually they stop. But sometimes you can’t ignore them, because they escalate it, or they get all up in your face. When that has happened to me in the past, I’ve taken the high road for as long as I can…then I have EXPLODED into a BALL OF FURY. When I am a ball of fury, I am incomprehensible and I am screamy and I usually cry and I say things that don’t make sense and make up new cusses. This does, however, have the side effect of making the person think I’m deranged…and then they leave me alone, because they’re scared of me.
So…write her a letter if you think it will help. But it probably won’t. Because people that are a bitch and call you names probably aren’t much into correspondence, is my thought.
Category the Fourth: Odd
baby elephant bum side and head
This is quite specific, and “bum side and head” made me giggle.
Category the Fifth: Subjective, no?
In the WHOLE WORLD? Who’s the judge of this competition, I wonder? And what, exactly, makes it the BEST? Length? Girth?
This is a very stupid search. My answer to this: it is attached to the person who you most enjoy being with, and who knows what to do with what he has, and you know what? Sometimes those people don’t have what OTHERS might think of as the BEST PENIS IN THE WORLD but does that matter, really? As long as YOU think it’s the best?
Stop being ridiculous. Not everything needs to be judged on a scale of one to ten.
Category the Sixth: I can help!
Your answer, my friend, is “Who’s that tripping over my bridge?” roared the troll.
Thank you for caring about proper grammar. I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Category the Seventh: That’s why you should always buy something if you love it. Or you’re going to kick yourself later.
cracker barrel gift shop/ owls
I like that you apparently went to the Cracker Barrel, saw an owl product, did not purchase it, had non-buyers’ remorse, and now you are searching searchily for those specific countrified owls. Go to, little searcher. Go to.
Category the Eighth: I can’t imagine that he wouldn’t.
does zak bagans have std’s
Yup. Probably crawling with ’em. Some that haven’t even been named yet. And there’s no possessive on that std. It’s stds. Or, more properly, STDs. Thanks. Don’t upset that grammar-troll up there.
Category the Ninth: Ugh, ARE WE STILL TALKING ABOUT THIS?
facebook people you may know shows nobody i know
I think we’ve discussed this ad nauseum. Facebook sucks. Also, I don’t know, maybe you don’t know anyone.
Category the Tenth: Pervy
gay men masturbating with plastic blow up doll tumblr doll or or or sexdoll or or or inflatable or doll or or or lovedoll or or or dolly “‘blowup doll'”
lucy gives charlie brown a blowjob video
You can’t spell Flintstones OR literotica? Then you get neither. NO CARTOON CAVEMAN LITEROTICA FOR YOU!
There are SO MANY BLOW UP OPTIONS here. Or or or BLOWUP DOLL! Or sexdoll! Or lovedoll! Good grief. I think those are all the same things, weirdo.
Lucy and Charlie Brown don’t do that, so stop. Also, did she give him a blowjob, or a VIDEO of blowjobs? That’s terrible sentence structure.
Category the Eleventh: Deep
friendships that deplete you
Yeah, I’ve had these, dude. I get you. Sometimes you can fix them by backing off a little, and sometimes you have to end them because the person ended up being a psychic vampire and you weren’t aware of it when you friended them. It’s touchy, and it’s terrible. Seriously, someday I’m going to write a book about how hard friendship is. Wonderful? Yes. But sometimes it’s like navigating a minefield blindfolded.
Category the Twelfth: What do these mean? What are you hoping to GAIN from these searches?
hair braiding paid at walmart
young fellas that fart
i hate people crowding in behind me on escalators
These are just odd. I don’t know what the first one means; the second one is both gross and weird (“fellas” is the weirdest part) and the last one isn’t a search. It’s a statement. Were you hoping to find kindred spirits? I can’t imagine ANYONE likes people crowding them on escalators. Well, maybe weirdos who like to be rubbed up against by strangers. *shudder*
Category the Thirteenth: My life has been one long series of ‘em, sunshine
i want glorious mistakes
Well, if you’re gonna make ’em, make ’em glorious, I suppose. Go big or go home. There’s no point in half-assing your mistakes.
Category the Fourteenth: Hee!
men scared to wear slouch socks
satan’s bounce house
she’s german cause she talks in her sleep
EVERYONE should be scared of slouch socks. They weren’t even cool when they WERE cool.
SATAN’S BOUNCE HOUSE! YOU GO IN TO BOUNCE, AND HE CLAIMS YOUR SOULLLLLL!
I don’t know if ethnicity has anything to do with sleep-talking. I talk in my sleep all the time, and as far as I know, I am not at all German.
Category the Fifteenth: Now this, this is TOTALLY a euphemism.
“He’s totally packing a carry-on. IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. The TSA had better do a pat-down, yo, ’cause I think he’s carrying some serious weaponry all up in there.”
Category the Sixteenth: Thank you? I think?
you’re an asshole but i love you
Um. I don’t…thanks? I think? I mean, if you’re willing to love me at my worst, that’s really very nice of you. I don’t know if you calling me an asshole is really called for, though, but you DO love me, so I guess I can forgive you. THIS TIME.
There you go, jellybeans. This month’s super-confused searching. All in one handy-dandy post for your viewing pleasure. ALL FOR YOU DAMIEN.
Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.
(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)