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An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 25)

Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:

It is July! Just barely. Almost August. I know, I’m totally getting this in under the wire, here. Sorry, vacation got in the way. And I couldn’t find the way to retrieve my stats and make this post pretty from a cell phone. Having the cell phone was awesome on vacation, but it had its limitations. One of which was blogging prettily. (However, I have to say that apps have really stepped it up. You can now access and edit Google Docs from your cell phone. Were you aware of this? It is a most awesome thing and allows you to do work while you have no access to your laptop.)

So, just in case you’re new, let me catch you up on this recurring post. I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (this is the twenty-fifth one. I know. A QUARTER OF A HUNDRED. It’s really most impressive and/or worrisome. If you’re interested, search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? Might as well ask why Dumbcat runs into things with his skull. Just the way things are, I suppose.

So I’m going to break you down into categories and address you in groups, except for those of you who get your OWN SECTION. Maybe you’ll make some new friends, those of you in groups. Won’t that be nice? Sure. Sure it will. Maybe you’ll fall in LURVE. You can never tell. Stranger things have happened.

So here we go. You were all quite searchy this month. Incorrectly searchy, but searchy nonetheless.

Category the First: It’s the incorrect ellipses that makes this sadder than sad. And all those lower-case letters.

 .. i also lonely..        

Aw, honey. I’m sorry. Lonely’s the worst. Try to connect. Try to find your people. They’re out there. I promise. You can find them. They’re waiting for you. And while they may not put an end to your loneliness, they’ll help. And you can talk to them. And the talking makes the loneliness a little more bearable. I promise.

Category the Second: Bad idea.

a piercing by your eye  

Wouldn't this be scratchy every time you blinked? I can't imagine this is a good idea.

Wouldn’t this be scratchy every time you blinked? I can’t imagine this is a good idea.

Eyebrow: sure. If you like those, go for it. But I worry so much about people that get ones near their eyes. Because almost every piercing I’ve gotten has gotten infected. (Surprisingly, the tongue ring did not.) It’s a brief infection, and it goes away pretty quickly…but I worry when it’s near your eye. Which is what you use to see. So maybe don’t get one right there? I’m just looking out for you. Looking out? Eye? Get it?

Category the Third: Don’t write her a letter. It’s not even worth it, yo.

a+letter+to+a+girl+who+is+a+bitch+and+calls+me+names        

Honestly, the best way to deal with these people is usually to ignore them, and eventually they stop. But sometimes you can’t ignore them, because they escalate it, or they get all up in your face. When that has happened to me in the past, I’ve taken the high road for as long as I can…then I have EXPLODED into a BALL OF FURY. When I am a ball of fury, I am incomprehensible and I am screamy and I usually cry and I say things that don’t make sense and make up new cusses. This does, however, have the side effect of making the person think I’m deranged…and then they leave me alone, because they’re scared of me.

So…write her a letter if you think it will help. But it probably won’t. Because people that are a bitch and call you names probably aren’t much into correspondence, is my thought.

Category the Fourth: Odd

baby elephant bum side and head    

Does this fit your very specific image criteria?

Does this fit your very specific image criteria?

This is quite specific, and “bum side and head” made me giggle.

Category the Fifth: Subjective, no?

best+penis+in+the+world

IN THE WHOLE WORLD!

IN THE WHOLE WORLD!

In the WHOLE WORLD? Who’s the judge of this competition, I wonder? And what, exactly, makes it the BEST? Length? Girth?

This is a very stupid search. My answer to this: it is attached to the person who you most enjoy being with, and who knows what to do with what he has, and you know what? Sometimes those people don’t have what OTHERS might think of as the BEST PENIS IN THE WORLD but does that matter, really? As long as YOU think it’s the best?

Stop being ridiculous. Not everything needs to be judged on a scale of one to ten.

Category the Sixth: I can help!

correct+punctuation+for+who’s+that+tripping+over+my+bridge+roared+the+troll    

Trolls hate bad grammar. Little-known fact.

Trolls hate bad grammar. Little-known fact.

Your answer, my friend, is “Who’s that tripping over my bridge?” roared the troll.

Thank you for caring about proper grammar. I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

Category the Seventh: That’s why you should always buy something if you love it. Or you’re going to kick yourself later.

cracker barrel gift shop/ owls  

It's like Where's Waldo. Only with owls.

It’s like Where’s Waldo. Only with owls.

I like that you apparently went to the Cracker Barrel, saw an owl product, did not purchase it, had non-buyers’ remorse, and now you are searching searchily for those specific countrified owls. Go to, little searcher. Go to.

Category the Eighth: I can’t imagine that he wouldn’t. 

does zak bagans have std’s

Yup. Probably crawling with ’em. Some that haven’t even been named yet. And there’s no possessive on that std. It’s stds. Or, more properly, STDs. Thanks. Don’t upset that grammar-troll up there.

Category the Ninth: Ugh, ARE WE STILL TALKING ABOUT THIS?

facebook people you may know shows nobody i know  

I think we’ve discussed this ad nauseum. Facebook sucks. Also, I don’t know, maybe you don’t know anyone.

Category the Tenth: Pervy

flintsones literocia 
gay men masturbating with plastic blow up doll tumblr doll or or or sexdoll or or or inflatable or doll or or or lovedoll or or or dolly “‘blowup doll'” 
lucy gives charlie brown a blowjob video  

You can’t spell Flintstones OR literotica? Then you get neither. NO CARTOON CAVEMAN LITEROTICA FOR YOU!

Because of your poor spelling, this is the only erotica you get. I bet you feel terrible now.

Because of your poor spelling, this is the only erotica you get. I bet you feel terrible now.

There are SO MANY BLOW UP OPTIONS here. Or or or BLOWUP DOLL! Or sexdoll! Or lovedoll! Good grief. I think those are all the same things, weirdo.

Lucy and Charlie Brown don’t do that, so stop. Also, did she give him a blowjob, or a VIDEO of blowjobs? That’s terrible sentence structure.

Category the Eleventh: Deep

friendships that deplete you      

Yeah, I’ve had these, dude. I get you. Sometimes you can fix them by backing off a little, and sometimes you have to end them because the person ended up being a psychic vampire and you weren’t aware of it when you friended them. It’s touchy, and it’s terrible. Seriously, someday I’m going to write a book about how hard friendship is. Wonderful? Yes. But sometimes it’s like navigating a minefield blindfolded.

Category the Twelfth: What do these mean? What are you hoping to GAIN from these searches?

hair braiding paid at walmart     
young fellas that fart
i hate people crowding in behind me on escalators

Just thinking about a situation like this makes me itchy. I'd take the stairs.

Just thinking about a situation like this makes me itchy. I’d take the stairs.

These are just odd. I don’t know what the first one means; the second one is both gross and weird (“fellas” is the weirdest part) and the last one isn’t a search. It’s a statement. Were you hoping to find kindred spirits? I can’t imagine ANYONE likes people crowding them on escalators. Well, maybe weirdos who like to be rubbed up against by strangers. *shudder*

Category the Thirteenth: My life has been one long series of ‘em, sunshine 

i want glorious mistakes    

Well, if you’re gonna make ’em, make ’em glorious, I suppose. Go big or go home. There’s no point in half-assing your mistakes.

Category the Fourteenth: Hee! 

men scared to wear slouch socks
satan’s bounce house         
she’s german cause she talks in her sleep            

EVERYONE should be scared of slouch socks. They weren’t even cool when they WERE cool.

SATAN’S BOUNCE HOUSE! YOU GO IN TO BOUNCE, AND HE CLAIMS YOUR SOULLLLLL!

Oh, this is most definitely Satan's Bounce House.

Oh, this is most definitely Satan’s Bounce House.

I don’t know if ethnicity has anything to do with sleep-talking. I talk in my sleep all the time, and as far as I know, I am not at all German.

Category the Fifteenth: Now this, this is TOTALLY a euphemism. 

packing+a+carry+on+for+guys    

“He’s totally packing a carry-on. IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. The TSA had better do a pat-down, yo, ’cause I think he’s carrying some serious weaponry all up in there.”

Category the Sixteenth: Thank you? I think? 

you’re an asshole but i love you   

Um. I don’t…thanks? I think? I mean, if you’re willing to love me at my worst, that’s really very nice of you. I don’t know if you calling me an asshole is really called for, though, but you DO love me, so I guess I can forgive you. THIS TIME.

There you go, jellybeans. This month’s super-confused searching. All in one handy-dandy post for your viewing pleasure. ALL FOR YOU DAMIEN.

Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.

Love, Me.

(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

38 responses to “An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 25)

  • Ms. Roberts

    This post is very funny. I’ve read some crazy search words too! I am glad I am not the only one.

    Like

  • Charleen

    Oh, so many comments.

    First, yes, blogging from a smartphone is useful when you’re on vacation. Also when a computer repair shop takes your computer for two months and then sends it back more broken than it was to start with… (No, I’m not still bitter, why do you ask?)

    I love the frolicking baby elephant!

    Regarding the “literocia” searcher… it’s possible they were searching for literature on Beethoven’s 3rd symphony, also known as the Eroica. (I’ve got nothing on “flintsones” though, so probably not.)

    Holy hell, that is one terrifying bounce house.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Two months? That’s insane!

      SATAN’S BOUNCE HOUSE! YOU CAN ENTER, BUT YOUR SOUL NEVER LEAVES!!!

      I want to see a frolicking baby elephant. I think that would make me so happy.

      Like

      • Charleen

        Whenever we drive back to Chicago we pass through a lot of farm country, and I’m always looking for baby cows. Once in a while we’ll see one frolicking. (Well, I’ll see one… my husband is hopefully keeping his eyes on the road.)

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          I love cows. Whenever I go home I look at ALL the cows. Dad just rolls his eyes. “You grew up around cows, why do they interest you so much?”

          Because I never see them anymore, Dad! Come on, they are the coolest!

          Like

          • cynthiaw

            Ha – I drive by cows almost everyday and I’m still always all “Good morning, cows!” The real excitement is if the donkey is out, then my husband and I are all “hey! The donkey is out today!

            There has been so much development around here in the last few years :-( that we often talk sadly about how sad it’s going to be if the last guy with cows around here sells out and they put yet another Starbucks, Subway or Walgreens there. Then, I will have to drive north to see cows and that isn’t on the way to work at all. We’ve already lost the rice fields, several cow farms, and the cotton fields in the last 10 years.

            Like

            • lucysfootball

              If I drive far out of town, I can see cows (and horses) but I don’t go out there very often. When I go home in the summer, I get to see animals. It always makes me happy!

              Like

              • cynthiaw

                Sometimes, I have these fantasies about having acreage with some cows and donkeys and chickens and fruit trees and a huge vegetable garden.

                And then my husband is all “you think that a dog is a lot of work, who do you think is going to take care of all those animals?” And I’m all “the ranch hands, duh”. And then he reminds me that we aren’t rich. And then I remind him that this is after the Powerball win and we won’t have to work and we’ll have time to take care of our various animals and plants and such.

                And then he reminds me that I have already vowed to do nothing but read ALL.THE.BOOKS. if I win the Powerball. And then I remind him about the ranch hands.

                Like

                • lucysfootball

                  If I won a million dollars, I’d totally have a farm with all the animals. And books. And never work again.

                  OK, I think I need more than a million for that, in this economy. A kajillion dollars, then.

                  Like

                  • cynthiaw

                    Yes! Which is why I keep playing the Powerball, even though I’m statistically more likely to get hit by lightning. Because, if I win $100,000, I can read all the books and have all the animals and go on all the adventures.

                    Like

      • poetlandia

        Now I want a Hotel California bouncehouse.

        It could be designed on the actual Hotel California. In Palm Springs. Which is where it is kept. Mostly.

        Like

  • becomingcliche

    I was really hoping you’d be on the first page for the baby elephant term. Oh, well.

    Satan’s Bounce House may be the best search term in the history of such things. I want one of those on MY blog. No hits for Moon Pie yet?

    Like

  • cynthiaw

    You know, I’ve been trying to decide on a tattoo forever. Seriously, I can never decide that there is actually something out there that I want on me when I’m old and stuff.

    So… I’ve been thinking about a literary tattoo. Just words. But significant ones. That only I (and people who see me naked) can see. So… I’ve been narrowing it down to Tennyson’s ” To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.”; Tolkein’s “Renewed shall be blade that was broken”; and Gaiman’s “And sometimes, when you fall, you fly.”

    But now, I kind of like “i want glorious mistakes”, but I don’t know that I could leave that uncapital i in there. e.e. cumming’s quotes drive me mad with their lack of capitalization and stuff.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I’m totally doing the same thing! I’m definitely getting a literary one, but haven’t narrowed it down yet! (And mine would also be only for me and people who can see me naked. I don’t need my tattoos hanging out for all to see. Also, my boss probably wouldn’t be so keen on that.)

      (But, strangely enough, I’m pretty sure mine will be Cummings…I love his lower-case-ness. I just can’t decide WHICH Cummings. I love so many of his poems.)

      I love that Gaiman quote so much. That one gets my vote, 100%.

      Like

      • cynthiaw

        lol – I love a lot of the Cummings poems and quotes, I just can’t with the lowercase I! I don’t mind it in his poetry, I just can’t tattoo it on my body.

        Yeah, besides the fact that I don’t want my tattoo hanging out for everyone to see and the fact that it ruins the effect of a lot of my clothing choices, my job precludes visible tattoos. Plus, it’s personal.

        Like

  • Mer

    At first I thought maybe “literocia”was a new STD or sexual position I was unfamiliar with. Oh, searchers…

    Like

  • ksbeth

    wow, i love these so much, thanks for this post

    Like

  • poetlandia

    Facebook thinks the silliest things. Always has. Always will. It’s, you know, Facebook. I think you’re caught in a sad Catch 22 with the Facebook thing.

    Aw. Baby elephant. Aw.

    Like

  • Corvidae in the Fields

    “you’re an asshole but i love you”

    I want this on my birthday cake from now on.

    Like

  • aliceatwonderland

    These are hilarious. I haven’t done one of these search term posts in a while. Amazing the doozies you can get. Also the spam comments are getting better and better, and somehow bypassing WP’s spam blocker. I’ve been collecting them. One thing you have to say for spambots, they are always gracious enough to leave a comment. A totally unintelligible comment trying to sell you enhancement pills, but still a comment.

    You have to wonder about the guy going or or or like he’s getting more and more excited as he hits the keys! Eeek.

    Like

  • Heather

    Packing a carry-on.

    SNORT.

    Like

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