What they don’t tell you about walking on sunshine is that it is SO SO HOT.

It’s hot.

Like, heat-wave hot.

BEYOND hot.

Like, living on the surface of the SUN hot.

(Now is when Andreas tells me I am exaggerating.)

Today, I asked my boss if somehow we were living in Tucson and no one told us. She thought maybe.

I'm pretty sure if I looked outside today, I'd see this.

I’m pretty sure if I looked outside today, I’d see this.

It’s the kind of hot where everything’s making me cranky, and I don’t want to leave the house, and there just aren’t enough cool things like icy beverages and popsicles and cold showers in the world to make it better, and I just don’t want to do anything but sit around and sigh sadly.

SO CRANKY AND HOT.

SO CRANKY AND HOT.

(Don’t you even tell me, as my mom always does, “You’ll WISH it was this hot when WINTER gets here!” Because I will NOT think that. I NEVER wish it to be this hot. And even when it’s super-cold in the winter, I don’t get this lethargic and crabby. I’m much better at cold than I am at hot. I HATE HEAT.)

According to a map I saw of Merka, it’s hot all over the place, except in a few places it’s in the 70s. (Well, I suppose in Alaska it’s cooler, but also there are moose and such up there, so that barely counts.)

Welcome to Merka! MONSTER HEAT WAVE!

Welcome to Merka! MONSTER HEAT WAVE!

So, because a lot of my readers are living where it’s quite toasty at the moment, I thought we could look at a helpful list of tips I found on the internet for staying cool when it’s hot out. That’ll be good, right? Yep. Totally will. We’ll think cool thoughts together.

Here’s the list. Ready?

1. Have a water-drinking competition with your family. I don’t think drinking water is competitive, and I know I read somewhere that if you drink too much of it, you can actually get water intoxication. You feel drunk and it makes you sick and stuff. I don’t know the science and I’m too hot to look it up. Something about imbalancing your chemicals or something. I bet Andreas knows. Just drink enough water so you don’t get dehydrated and don’t dare each other to drink more. Also, it’ll make you pee. Like, a LOT.

2. Sit in front of the air conditioner and eat marshmallows (sort of the opposite of roasting marshmallows over a campfire…) What the hell? This is foolish. Just eat whatever you want in front of the air conditioner. Popsicles. Fried chicken. Oreos, I don’t care. Weirdo.

3. Put an ice cube on your skin and see how long it takes to melt. Ooh, is this like naughty-times? Because it’s too hot for naughty-times. Get off me. GET OFF ME, I SAID.

Is she SLEEPING on the ice cubes? What is happening here?

Is she SLEEPING on the ice cubes? What is happening here?

4. Use a fan to blow your hair around like a fashion model’s and take pictures. And you have to do this during a heat-wave why? You could do this anytime. Also, you’re going to look weird, not sexy. Just so you know.

Well, this dog looks pretty good. But dogs always do.

Well, this dog looks pretty good. But dogs always do.

5. Read that book you haven’t had time to read because you’re usually outside. Ha! “Usually outside.” It’s like you don’t know me at all. I avoid outside as if it’s filled with bugs, sun, and strangers. Oh. Wait. It is.

6. Call a neighbor and invite them over for ice cream. No, because a., I don’t know or want to know any of my neighbors, and b. none of my friends are going to want to drive across town in this kind of heat for something they could get from their own freezers.

And if they eat it like this, I TOTALLY don't want them to come over. This is just creepy-times.

And if they eat it like this, I TOTALLY don’t want them to come over. This is just creepy-times.

7. Spend the day wandering around your local air-conditioned mall (assuming you have an air-conditioned way to get there). I actually somewhat agree with this one. One summer it was so hot my roommate and I were dying so we went to the mall and we watched a movie in comfort (we didn’t have air conditioning in that place) and we so, so, SO didn’t want to go home. But we had to. Because you can’t live in the mall, as much as you want to. But I don’t suggest spending the DAY there. I mean, you might as well go to work. Work’s air-conditioned, right?

8. Have a movie marathon–of movies that take place in the winter. This isn’t going to make you feel cooler. But if you want to watch movies, go to, I guess. Also, did I mention eat popsicles? Do that.

Watch this movie if you have to watch a cool movie. This movie is the best thing. (Ang Lee's "The Ice Storm." Highly recommended.)

Watch this movie if you have to watch a cool movie. This movie is the best thing. (Ang Lee’s “The Ice Storm.” Highly recommended.)

9. Call an elderly friend or relative and make sure they’re doing all right. OMG, everyone always says this. Who are these lonely forgotten old people, and why must we all be reminded to check on them? I’m guessing they’re old people that have no one, and that makes my heart hurt. My old people are fine. Mostly that means my grandmother, because the rest of my old people have died of non-heat-related reasons.

10. Soak in a tub of lukewarm water. I don’t like tubs, because they seem filthy to me. Also, when it’s hot, I want cold water. Not lukewarm. Cold. So I’m freezing. Then that cold lasts for like twenty minutes when I get out and then I’m all hot again, but still. It’s better than nothing. Dad says that only crazy people take cold showers and that the SHOCK will KILL me but I’ve been doing it for years and I’m still kickin’, baby.

I'm rarely this HAPPY in the cold shower, though. Who the hell is? It's cold. You move fast or you freeze.

I’m rarely this HAPPY in the cold shower, though. Who the hell is? It’s cold. You move fast or you freeze.

11. Write a note to remind yourself not to complain about cold temperatures next winter. Then write a note to remind yourself to stop being a supercilious asshat.

12. Have a sub sandwich buffet for supper: set out rolls, meats, cheese, veggies, and condiments, and let your family put together their own sandwiches. I don’t have a family. Who’s going to eat this Subway shop I’ve set up in my house? Dumbcat? He doesn’t like human food. It makes him hide under the couch. What a waste of all those things. I mean, there are only so many sandwiches I can eat, you know?

13. Give yourself permission to be a little lazy; after all, in this kind of heat you shouldn’t try to do too much. Except work, grocery shopping, laundry, packing for vacation, hanging with Dumbcat, doing a million theater reviews…yeah. I don’t know that I have an option to kick back and be lazy, yo. Sorry, me.

These don’t seem to have been very helpful tips. Here are MY tips.

  • Sit in front of the air conditioning
  • Eat all icy things all the time
  • Tell Dumbcat to get off you because he’s so heavy and so furry and so hot, even though you love him
  • Try very hard not to get cranky over things that wouldn’t normally bother you because it’s really just the heat speaking
  • Go swimming if you like such things and can swim (I do not, and cannot)
  • Don’t do things that make you extra hot, like cleaning the house, moving heavy furniture, or riding the mechanical bull (one or more of these is a euphemism, you can decide which)

Stay cool, my little ice cubes. And if you are my real-life most-beloved, and I am snappy, please know I am not snapping at YOU, but at the HEAT, which is like WALKING INTO A DAMN OVEN.

RIGHT INTO AN OVEN.

RIGHT INTO AN OVEN.

Ahem.

Happy Tuesday.

HAPPY TUESDAY.

So…so…hot…

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

42 responses to “What they don’t tell you about walking on sunshine is that it is SO SO HOT.

  • Jelzmar

    “I avoid outside as if it’s filled with bugs, sun, and strangers. Oh. Wait. It is.”

    LOL.

    You even making talking about weather funny; how is this possible?

    Like

  • franhunne4u

    If you take COLD showers, you turn your internal heating on. If you shower lukewarm, your body will not start warming you up again. It might not be that refreshing that moment you shower, but it will last longer.

    Like

  • sj

    Too hot to comment properly. I haven’t even turned the laptop on today. TOO. HOT.

    Like

  • grrgoyl

    I’m with you. Heat bad. Cold so much easier to deal with. Also, my cats love sitting on my lap in summer more than any other time of the year. What is up with that? I would think they’d be even more miserable than me.

    Here’s my tip, from someone who works from home with practically no AC (a wall unit that only feels good if you stand directly in front of it, which I cannot do and work simultaneously): I keep a spray bottle on my desk and spritz myself constantly with the fan blowing (obvs). Feels great. Also get my clothes and hair wet, since those take longer to dry, so longer effects.

    I am also a fan of the cold showers. Feels like swimming in a stream. Also love drinking directly from the spray. Love it. But, so as not to die from the shock, I start the water lukewarm and gradually turn it down once in.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Dumbcat does, too! I can’t get him off me when it’s hot! What is wrong with him? He’s wearing a fur coat, you’d think he’d be all over the air conditioner! (As I write this, he’s as snuggled up to my leg as he can possibly be. Foolish boy.)

      Oh, the spray bottle idea is a good one! I should get one of those. For my drive home, actually. And chill it in the fridge before I take off. That might help.

      It DOES feel like swimming in a stream!

      Like

  • Corvidae in the Fields

    Yes! Heaty times! The only thing I really dislike about the heat is that it makes my memory hazy, and I have a tendency to fall asleep at unwanted times.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I know a lot of people love it (I’m related to some of those people) but I’m not made for heat. I’m also very pale, and burn easily, no matter how much sunscreen I put on. The summer wants to kill me.

      Like

      • Corvidae in the Fields

        I’m sorry to hear that. We all have different seasons we like. I’d be very sad if you burst into flames or became extra crispy. I would not have awesome blog entries to stop work for.

        :Meanwhile… back in Albany:

        “Someone break out the garden hose. Amy’s on fire again.”

        Like

  • Charleen

    Yup, winter > summer. In winter I don’t start complaining until we get multiple days of pretty extreme cold. Whereas with summer, the second it gets above 80 (yes that’s an 8 not a 9) I’m like, “UGHHH!” I’m pretty much miserable for three or four straight months even when we don’t have extreme heat waves. I know, I’m a wuss.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I can always put on more clothes if I’m cold. For some reason, it’s frowned upon if you take off too many clothes when you’re hot in mixed company.

      I’m a fall and spring person. I love the weather in those seasons so much. So, so much.

      Like

  • becomingcliche

    Drinking too much water can kill you. It’s called hyponatremia when your sodium levels go too low. Novice marathoners sometimes drink too much water at the water stations and get very sick.

    I thought of “From the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler.” Who says you can’t live at the mall?

    Cold cuts work really well to cool you down. If they are super-cold and you tuck them in your armpits.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I remember reading about a fraternity initiation that involved making initiates drink a lot of water, and one died. I guess they assumed, “It’s just WATER, not ALCOHOL” but it’s still bad news if you drink too much.

      I thought of that book, too! Oh, how much did I love that book as a child. I so wanted to live in a museum.

      The cold cuts would warm up quickly, I’d bet, and then ew, cold cuts under your arms!

      Like

  • Krysty

    It’s rainy where I am. Summer’s over for us because it’s monsoon season. Not exactly a good thing, but at least I’m no longer tempted to run around naked.

    Like

  • mfennvt

    We watched Dead Snow the other night, a zombie movie from Norway. It took place in winter (um, hence the title), and that was the part I liked best. The cold looked so awesome.

    Like

  • Heather

    I would much rather deal with hot whether than with cold, but this is a bit much even for me. It’s the humidity that does me in. When I walk outside and it feels like I’ve run into a brick wall, that’s bad.

    Like

  • Samantha

    I was looking at your weather forecast and going ‘pshaw’ because we had almost a week straight of 105ish temps here in good old California a few weeks ago. Now it is decently warm, but not hot in the afternoon, so I guess I can’t complain. I used to like summer a lot more, because I am infinitely cold and usually am not uncomfortable until about 92 degrees, but I have had a serious lack of getting to swim in a pool, sunbathe, or wear shorts in the past few summers, so that puts a damper on it. Also, my air conditioner is in a stupid place in my house (and it’s one of those window units), so it’s either hang out in my living room or use fans to try to divert the cool air into my bedroom. Or open my bedroom door and let my neighbors look at me funny because it’s really hard to open. I digress. Fudgsicles, water bottles in the fridge, and cool washcloths help too. Especially if you’re trying to sleep. Maybe if the partition goes up between my neighbor’s side of the balcony and mine, I can buy one of those nerdy beach chairs (the one with arm and face holes so you can lie on your stomach and read through the chair) and sunbathe on my balcony. It’d be epic.

    Like

    • sj

      FWiW, 105 in California is kind of nothing compared to 95 in the south, where the humidity/ heat index make it FEEL like 120. No joke, the humidity adds at least 20°.

      Like

      • Samantha

        That is probably true, I have never been to the south so couldn’t say from experience. Although at the beginning of that week, it went from raining to in the 100s within a day or two, so it was pretty humid here too. Unusually humid. It was very strange.

        Like

    • lucysfootball

      I have that problem with my air conditioner, too. I have a complicated system of fans set up to route the cold air. It sort of works, but the living room is much cooler than the bedroom (and I hate sleeping on the couch, because Dumbcat thinks I’m a trampoline when I do that, plus it’s uncomfortable.)

      I’m just counting the days til autumn. COUNTING THE DAYS. Sigh.

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    I’ve missed several of your posts lately and it makes me feel bad. Although ‘missed’ is probably the wrong word. I noticed them and all but didn’t read them until now. Which actually makes me feel even worse. Sorry!

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    The surface of the sun is actually not that hot, relatively speaking. It’s only around 6,000°C, which is rather cool for a hydrogen bomb. Of course, the center of the sun is a different matter, and is believed to be at least 15 million degrees. Give or take a few thousand degrees.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I told Dad this today (because today was so much hotter than yesterday) and he was all, “UGH! THAT GUY! HE CANNOT KNOW THAT!” and I said, “Of course he knows that. He is Andreas. He knows everything sciency” and Dad said “How would anyone know that? That guy has not been to the SUN, Amy. He would be DEAD” and I said, “I think probably extrapolation” and Dad laughed and laughed and said that was a very good answer but still thinks you’re a female truck driver and not sciency.

      Like

      • Andreas Heinakroon

        The beauty of science is that anyone can take anyone else’s experiment and run it for themselves to see if it’s true or not. Well, as long as one has the means and required skills, that is.

        The way one measures the temperature on the surface of the sun (or any other star) is to analyse the light spectrum. Blue and white is the hottest and red and amber are cooler, just as when we burn stuff on earth. White hot is hotter than red glow.

        Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    The shock of a cold shower won’t kill you, even though it might be unpleasant. Jumping into ice cold water will hurt a lot and will stop you from breathing properly and quickly give you hypothermia, but the shock won’t kill you. Unless the pain causes your heart to stop, I guess. But then it might as well stop from when you stub your toe on some heavy furniture, so you probably got it coming anyway. And you should also go and check your heart out; it seems awfully weak.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      It’s not THAT unpleasant. If you’re really hot, it’s kind of nice. (And it’s not ICE cold water. It’s just a touch below lukewarm. There’s a little warm in there. Just a little. Just enough so I don’t freeze. (Plus getting conditioner out of all my hair with completely cold water is a nightmare.)

      I have a VERY strong heart. It can take all manner of lickings and keep on ticking. I’m quite proud of it.

      Like

  • Ashley Austrew

    I wish humans could just hibernate in the summer.

    Like

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