Life is perfect, never better; still your daughter, still the same

I am woefully behind on this weekend recap. Blame my insane schedule; by Saturday, I will have reviewed 4 plays this week. It’s actually for the best – since I’m on vacation at the end of the month, I’m getting all my work in early this month, so I’ll still have my happy extra paycheck to look forward to (and I’ll still have gotten to see some excellent theater.) But it does mean last week and this week are a little…well, crazy. To put it nicely. However, next week I get to relax a little, pack for vacation, and do some serious catching up on life. (And then when I’m on vacation, I plan on sleeping for a billion hours to catch up on all the sleep I’ve missed lately. What, you can do that, right? Bank up on sleep? That’s totally a thing, isn’t it?)

If I sleep enough, I could wake up 100 years old. Neat, right? Will there be flying cars?

If I sleep enough, I could wake up 100 years old. Neat, right? Will there be flying cars?

Anyway, let’s recap my weekend of adventure. That’ll be all the fun, won’t it? It totally was a weekend of adventure, too. The best kind of weekend.

I had to work on Saturday. THAT wasn’t the adventure. It never is. But working has to happen, of course. So, work work work. Which was busy, busy, busy. Too many people were calling us on Saturday. I got out early, though, because MOM WAS COMING!

Now, Mom was worried, because she’d never driven to my place by herself before. Or even to Albany by herself before. She’s of course come here before, but either with my dad driving, or with one of her coworkers (she works for a company that has a branch here, so has had to come here before for work things.) She borrowed Dad’s GPS and used it all week to make sure she understood how it worked and was SO NERVOUS it would trick her into driving off the highway or into a lake (I assured her that probably wouldn’t happen but she was unconvinced.) She was supposed to be waiting at my place for me when I got home from work, so I was a little nervous when I got home, she wouldn’t be there and I’d have a final gurgling phone call from the bottom of the lake that nefarious GPS had sucked Mom into.


The GPS didn’t drive her into a lake! She made it all by herself!

This made Mom feel very empowered and strong, and that made me very happy for her. I like when people do something by themselves that they didn’t think they could. It makes them all powerful and glowy.

(Yes, I know I’ve lived here for almost 11 years and she’s never visited me alone. She hates driving long distances by herself, and if she and Dad come for an overnight visit, they stay in a hotel because Dad hates cat hair. This is a true thing. He comes over and he looks at the couch and says, “LOOK. AT. ALL. THAT. CAT. HAIR.” and is very disgusted. Poor Dumbcat. He doesn’t mean to be sheddy.)

First, Mom and I had dinner plans. Mom didn’t want anything weird or fancy, because she doesn’t like weird and fancy things. And I didn’t want to bring her to Olive Garden. (I’m not hating on Olive Garden. I just wanted our weekend adventure to be Albany-centric, and a chain restaurant didn’t fit the bill.) So friend A. said, “Bring her to Ralph’s!” and I was all, “No. What is Ralph’s.” And he was all “MY FAVORITE RESTAURANT EVER!” and I looked it up and it was a nice basic Italian place and that fit the Mom-bill nicely and I asked him if I had to make reservations and he said “Nah,” but I was worried because it was the 4th of July weekend and might be busy, so I called them anyway and they were kind of confused by me. “A reservation? Um. Yeah, I guess we could do that? Your name? How many people? 5:00? Yeah, we’ll get you a VIP table. *snicker*” So that was a little off-putting. But friend A. said it was his FAVORITE RESTAURANT EVER! so that was a very strong recommendation.

Well, it wasn't THIS fancy. We didn't eat at a strip club.

Well, it wasn’t THIS fancy. We didn’t eat at a strip club.

So off to the restaurant we went! And when we got there, there was a huge line! And people walked out all huffy because there was a 20 minute wait! BUT NOT ME AND MOM! Because we were VIPs, baby! (No, seriously, there was a little card on the table that said VIP and everything. It was super-fancy and Mom was all impressed.) The restaurant was not all that fancy, but it was VERY delicious. Mom doesn’t like red sauce so she had chicken with white sauce and pasta and a glass of wine (“but not more than one, or I will embarrass you on our adventure!” she said, and I had to wonder if she’d ever spent any significant time with me at all) and vegetables and salad (they give you a LOT of food at this place) and I had scallops and seasoned fries (good seasoned fries are one of my weaknesses) and the BEST clam chowder and coleslaw that was only meh. And then the waitress decided she forgot bread and brought us the HUGEST basket of bread and that just made us laugh because we had so much food the table was about to collapse. And other than the coleslaw and Mom’s broccoli (which she couldn’t cut and she was trying REALLY HARD) it was SO GOOD. I was stuffed with scallops. Scallops are one of the best things to be stuffed with. This may or may not be a euphemism, and may or may not be slightly scandalous. Your choice.

Then it was time to go to the thee-ay-tah! This was outdoor theater. I am not a fan of outdoor theater for the following reasons:

  • bugs
  • heat

This is also why I am not a fan of camping or hiking or, well, outdoor things. Period. I’m very much an indoor person.

However, when your paper says, “review the outdoor theater!” you go. Because it is the best job ever. I’d review a play in a portapottie if they asked me to.

Courtesy of the Times Union

Ugh, outdoor theater. Bugs. Heat. WHERE IS MY AIR CONDITIONING?

So we went to the park, where the play was. When I entered the park, I drove a safe speed because of children running around in said park. And also I was looking for a parking spot. A black PT Cruiser got right on my tail, which I hate. There’s no reason to be that close to someone. Not even ever. I continued driving carefully (but not even all that slowly) and looking for a spot. EVIL BLACK PT CRUISER GOT EVEN CLOSER TO ME. And then HONKED.



So I did what I almost always do in those situations, and I screamed, “Are you fucking KIDDING me?” and flipped him off through the back window as I pulled into a spot. (And he promptly squealed around me and drove about 50 mph in the park. Hope you didn’t kill any old people or children, asshole!)

With my mom sitting in the passenger seat. My very religious mother, who doesn’t even like me to say the word “shit” and has sure as hellfire-and-eternal-damnation never heard me drop the f-bomb.

I apologized profusely. She said, very quietly, “thank you.” But in a way that meant “all the breath has been knocked out of my body by what you just did.” Also, she brought it up like 47 times over the time she was there. “And then remember the time you said that super-naughty thing when that impatient man honked at you? Because I DO.”

So we went to the play. Now, just so you know, we are in the midst of a heat wave, with the highest, nastiest humidity, and every few hours we get a terrible thunderstorm so we’re always in danger of flooding (and sometimes do – half of the road to work was flooded yesterday morning.) It is terrible and exhausting and I’ve had a constant headache for a week and I’m cranky as hell and wondering when I moved to the rainforest. So, YAY THEATER OUTDOORS.

There was a snack stand where I immediately bought and guzzled a 20-ounce bottle of water. I find it telling I didn’t even have to go to the bathroom that badly afterward. I WAS SWEATING IT ALL OUT. I immediately went back up and got ANOTHER bottle of water, because, well, it was 90°. NINETY DEGREES. In the OUTDOORS.

(Also, the snack stand had a big sign on it that said “SNANCKS.” What’s a snanck?)

Mom was super-impressed that I went up to the box office and said my name and they had tickets for me that I didn’t even have to PAY for, AND the artistic director of the whole theater came over and introduced himself (not as impressed when I said, “Mom, you know that’s the job I was doing at my theater for the last 3 years, right? It’s not so fancy. Also, of course they’re nice. They’re trying to get a good review.”)

The show was good, and a lot of fun (I was a little worried Mom was going to hate it – it was Spamalot, and Mom doesn’t like sketch comedy or things that are foolish – but she liked it very much, and it made her laugh, and she was very impressed with how professional it all was) but I felt TERRIBLE for the actors. Those heavy costumes! That heat! ALL! THAT! DANCING!

I giggled a lot, as always, at the word "shrubbery."

I giggled a lot, as always, at the word “shrubbery.”

Also, side note, Dad’s biggest fear in the theater (I think we’ve discussed this before) is that an actor will come off the stage and grab him and force him to get onstage against his will. At one point in the show, an actor comes off the stage, picks someone out of the audience sitting in a certain seat, and brings them up on stage. Mom leaned over. “Your father would HATE this!” she giggled gleefully.

Then it was home for us, and review-writing for me, and bedtime for Mom. It was also misbehavior time for Dumbcat.

The minute Mom curled up on the couch, Dumbcat used her as a trampoline and jumped with his whole weight on her spleen. “He is heavy and SHARP!” she gasped. But she also laughed because she loves her grandcat.

She said he would be fine and I went to my room to write the review so the laptop and the light didn’t bother her.

After about an hour, there was a HUGE CRASH in the living room. I quietly snuck out. “DUMBCAT!” I hissed. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

“He’s apparently breaking the whole house,” Mom said in a very sleepy sleepvoice.

Dumbcat was displeased I woke him up to take his picture. Sorry, buddy.

What? Not me! I am GUDCAT! I am GRAECFULL and leape around LOTZ, Momme!

I looked all over and couldn’t find him, even in his pots and pans cupboard, but then he appeared from under the couch and we had a merry chase all over the living room and dining room area until I captured him and said “Naughty naughty loud cat!” and brought him back to my room and trapped him in there with a big box fan in the doorway.

He was SO EXCITED. Bed with Mom! ON THE BED WITH MOM! So he headbutted me merrily for a very long time and then fell asleep purring. I was up until very late writing and then emailing people I had been neglecting (sorry if those emails were incomprehensible, people) and then when I left the room to get ready for bed, I trapped Dumbcat in there with the fan so he wouldn’t run amuck in the living room and wake Mom up again.

Well! That didn’t sit well with him. MOM MOM WHERE’D YOU GO, MOM? So he apparently pawed at the box fan with his mitten-paw and managed to knock it over until it made a very loud noise like “wheeeeeeee!” and he LEAPT on it with his big old paws and was FREE! and I was all “Good grief, Dumbcat” but it was too late to go find him because I’m not at all stealthy so I decided Mom would have to deal with loud old Dumbcat on her own.

The mitten-paws in question.

The mitten-paws in question.

Then I woke up in the middle of the night with Dumbcat curled up to me. How he got BACK over the fan without knocking it over? Will remain a mystery. (Leaping, I assume, but he’s about as graceful as an airborne frog, so I’m still stumped.)

Then the next day, Mom got up very early to worship the Lord (she found the church all by herself! Look at her little empowered self go!) and I grumped around on not enough sleep. When she got home, she was all, “How do I get nails like your nails?”

I had fancy nails because I had those Sally Hansen nail sticker thingies on. They’re my favorite because you get to stick them on and they last for like a week and you don’t have to wait for them to dry and there’s no mess. So I was like, “Here! I have a billion boxes of these things. Pick out your favorite, we’ll play beauty shop.”

Mom has always wanted a daughter. I think I saw a tear in her eye.

She wanted boring nails (“No glitter. No skulls. WHY DO YOU HAVE SKULL NAILS? You are so weird”) so we did pearly nails with butterflies on them. I showed her how to stick them on and how to make them pretty and she was all, “THIS IS TOO HARD WITH ONE HAND!” so I ended up doing most of them for her and then I didn’t like that design anyway so I gave her a whole box of the same design to take home with her so she could do her nails all pretty when she got home. She was all “Look at my pretty nails!!!” and that made me laugh.

Then we went to The Nephew’s party, and I’ve already talked about that a little. He was adorable and wonderful and perfect. He always is. And now he is four! Aw, the best age! (I’m biased. They’re all the best age with him.)

And then Mom went home. She made it home in record time because I think she is a little speed demon like her daughter. And we didn’t fight once! And we had many good talks about things going on and she gave me good advice because she knows me very well! And it was a very nice weekend and now she wants to come back when we have more time and we will have more adventures because she knows how to get here ALL BY HERSELF!

Whew, weekend wrapup. Off to bed. Very sleepy. Happy…um…what day is this. Thursday? HAPPIEST OF THURSDAYS! More adventures await us soon!

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

37 responses to “Life is perfect, never better; still your daughter, still the same

  • Madame Weebles

    The way you wrote this post is adorable. And Yay Mom! I’m glad you had such a nice time, and I’m happy for your Mom that she navigated all over the place all by herself. That’s a big deal when that sort of thing scares the shit out of you. You must have frozen after you realized you cursed in front of her. My parents both curse as much as I do so I don’t have that particular problem.

    I do seriously want to steal Dumbcat but because I like you, I won’t. However, if he ever wants to have an adventure and hang out with three girl kitties, he is always welcome to have a sleepover down here. I’ll make sure he has plenty of treats, and nice soft pillows and toys, and I’ll read him a nice story before bedtime.


    • lucysfootball

      Thank you! I know exactly why it scares her – I’m just as bad at directions as she is, so I get it. (I trust my GPS, though. And now I think she does, too.)

      I DID freeze. I swear a lot. But I’m usually alone, so it doesn’t matter. WHOOPS!

      Dumbcat says thank you, but he is often too scared to even leave the living room, so he would be bad at traveling. (He’s going to freak out when I take him on vacation in a couple weeks. But he should be ok since I’m there and I’ll be very comforting, and he’s been there before.) He is pretty great, right? I love him. I don’t know what I’d do without him.


  • mfennvt

    This post made eating my lunch very difficult with all the laughing and almost spit-takes I was doing. Well, played, Amy. Well played.


  • sj

    I had this song in my head two days ago and now it’s back. NOT COOL, AMY!


  • becomingcliche

    I will have skull nails, please! And Dumbcat can use my spleen for a trampoline!

    I’m so glad it was a good weekend for you both!


    • lucysfootball

      I have two types of skull nails – pink glitter with black skulls and white with black skulls and hearts! (I like skulls. Mom finds it perplexing. She thinks they’re devil-worship things.)

      It was so much fun!


  • Charleen

    Spamalot! I think I’ve mentioned I have a friend who works tech (not sure what he does exactly, I think it changes with each show) at a theatre by where I used to live, and he’d get free tickets for press night which tended to rotate through our group as to who’d go. When it was announced that they were doing Spamalot (like a year in advance) ALL of our friends went crazy. Pretty sure we actually paid for tickets to that show. That would have been a fun one to see with the original cast.


    • lucysfootball

      It really would. The original cast was awesome!

      This is the second time I’ve seen it – I saw the touring Broadway cast a few years ago at the fancy theater as well. It’s such a fun show!


  • The Waiting

    OK, when I read the title of your post, I was like, “This is SO familiar and I know this!” And I talk-hummed the words about 90 times and then was all MOTHER MOTHER! Best song EVER and somehow I have managed to forget about it for damn near ten years. No more!

    I am proud of your mom that’s he drove to see you! When my mom flew to Korea all by herself to visit us when we lived there, I was so nervous for her because A, she hadn’t flown overseas since she was a teenager, and B, she rarely ever flies alone. But she did it! Go, moms!

    I don’t know if I’ve ever said this to you before but I love your writing style because you remind me of what I imagine Eloise (of the Plaza Hotel) would sound like as an adult.


    • lucysfootball

      I love that song! Mom reminded me of it when she visited this weekend – I put it on a CD for her ages ago, which she listened to on the way up. “That song was TOO YELLY,” she said. (I still love it. Yelly or no.)

      Isn’t it awesome when someone does something empowering? It makes me so happy for them!

      Aw, I am happy to be a grownup Eloise! Thank you!

      (I have a surprise coming up for you tomorrow here! Just finished it!)


  • An Embarrassment of Freedom

    You” always look on the bright side of life” do do do do do do……


  • poetlandia

    I love this. I usually like outdoor things but I am not a fan of our recent weather which is hot then yelly and thundery and then hot again. How about we have normal New England summer, hmm, New England? How about that?

    Also, I detest when someone follows me like that and what I do is slow way down while motioning “get back” in my window. Because. Get back. I will slow down and we will drive four miles an hour on the highway. I mean it. Do you want me to pull this car over? Well do you? (Actually, they do.)

    “We didn’t eat at a strip club” hahahahahaha!


    • lucysfootball

      This weather is terrible, and we live in the rainforest. This is the first day the humidity has backed off. I LOVE IT.

      You’re much calmer than I am. I flip them off and scream. It doesn’t do any good.


  • Samantha

    Aw, it sounds like it was a great weekend.

    Um, scallops are the best. They’re so yummy.

    I really want to pet Dumbcat. He looks so soft and cuddly. Adorable!

    I HATE when people tail me. It makes me so angry. I just learned though, that the shape of my Beetle makes it so that if I spray my windshield, it’ll sail off and hit their windshield if they’re too close. I can’t wait to try it.


  • elaine4queen

    HA! “And then remember the time you said that super-naughty thing when that impatient man honked at you? Because I DO.”



  • Heather

    I love nature…from a distance. The outdoors is so pretty…looking at it through a window. Haha! You and me both, sister.

    I’m so glad my parents also tend to curse like sailors when it’s just us. If I couldn’t swear in front of my parents, well, my conversations with them would be some kind of hell. Haha! Oh boy. I’m glad your mom took it relatively well.

    Monty Python!!! Woooooo!

    I heart Dumbcat.


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Oh! Airborne frogs are the most graceful! Here’s a series of airborne frogs from Malaysia:


  • grrgoyl

    1) Tracy Bonham FTW.

    2) I love how your bad words are so much worse than the douchebag’s rudeness. PRIORITIES.

    3) UGH, outdoor theater. Only in spring or fall, thanks.

    4) I got to see Spamalot on the West End in London, however, sadly, not the original cast. Loved it, especially how hard they worked to add new material not in the movie.

    5) We have a relatively small condo, and two cats and two ferrets that love to crawl all over peoples in their sleep. It is very tricky when company (rarely) stays over.


    • lucysfootball

      I don’t mind Dumbcat walking on me (although I say “get off, you”) but it bothers others. I cannot IMAGINE why!

      Hee, the eff-word is the worst in my parents’ world. It’s a total no-no. I’ve never heard either of them say it!


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