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How many times a week do you shave? If you answer incorrectly, we may have to kill you.

I know! Don’t fret! Here I am! It’s been a busy few days. There was an overnight guest (MOM!) and delicious-dinner-eating and play-reviewing and play-review-writing and accidentally dropping the f-bomb in front of my very religious mom (long story, I get road rage) and Dumbcat-shenanigans (he was VERY LOUD AND NAUGHTY) and manicure-giving (which was actually totally a highlight, more detail to come) and nephew-birthday-attending. And do you know what there was not? Any crying or bathroom-weepery. I am quite proud at how the weekend turned out. The only downside was I didn’t get enough sleep, there was some non-family-related drama I could totally have done without, and I got a weird sunburn where I forgot to apply sunscreen. (Shoulders and the back of my neck. Although I did apply sunscreen there. Apparently, just not enough, or it was JUST SO DAMN HOT I sweated it all off. Who knows.)

We will have WEEKEND RECAP one of these days (it’s a big week full of theater reviews – three in one week, one with a relative I haven’t seen in a while, so THAT’S exciting! – so I’m going to try to squeeze blogging in amongst all my bon vivantery) but today, as promised…

DATING TIPS FROM 1949 for the FELLAS!

Howdy, 40s man, I am here to HELP!

Howdy, 40s man, I am here to HELP!

If you all recall back many moons ago (ok, I think it was Saturday) we discussed Esquire’s dating tips for the lay-deez in 1949. If you don’t remember, you can click here and catch up, or you can read the following recap: foursomes, restaurant rage, ninja-murder, don’t hold too much liquor, always talk to bores. And young Brando is hot. But, as one of my VERY INTELLIGENT COMMENTERS mentioned, I totally forgot a hottie from back in the day; I will rectify that now.

Young Paul Newman. I am SO SORRY for the oversight; he was a little too young for the movies in 1949, but we can look at him anyway. RAWR.

Young Paul Newman. I am SO SORRY for the oversight; he was a little too young for the movies in 1949, but we can look at him anyway. RAWR.

So! Our tips for the ladies were totally helpful; I’m sure I’m going to be getting invited to many tip-related weddings soon. I didn’t forget you, fellas! I know you’re all “OMG AMY HELP! I AM CLUELESS IN THE WAYS OF CATCHING A LADYPERSON!”

Well, tip one is, don’t say “catching” or “ladyperson,” but I digress.

Esquire was totally helpful for men of the 40s, too! 

So without further ado, let’s see what we’ve got for you! (That may or may not be a euphemism, depending on how well this goes.)

Do you use the continental approach, based on the belief that an immediate pass flatters a woman?

I can assure you THIS Continental would never bore anyone!

I can assure you THIS Continental would never bore anyone!

This is the average man’s greatest mistake. If a pass, on first acquaintance, doesn’t insult a girl it at least bores her.

OK. I’m already confused. What exactly is meant by “pass?” Like, a bad pickup line? Or, since it was the 40s, just talking to her? I’m going to assume it means bad pickup line. And if that’s the case, then, yes. It probably will insult her. (Or, more likely, make her roll her eyes, laugh, and walk away.) I don’t know if it would BORE her, though. I mean, watching paint dry is boring. Having a guy say “Are your legs tired? ‘Cause you been running through my dreams all night” is ANNOYING and CLICHÉD, but not BORING.

Do you show your real fondness for a girl by telling her about her bad points and advising her how to improve them?

This is again an error. If you must tell her you hate her perfume or how she does her hair, wrap it up in heavy sugar coating.

Hee! “A real fondness.” Yes. I find the people that criticize my bad points are my most closest friends, confidantes, and LOVAHS. Also, “if you must tell her you hate her perfume or how she does her hair…” YOU MUSTN’T DO THAT. I suppose if you don’t like the perfume scent she wears (I mean, we’ve all known someone who wears a scent we’re not keen on, even though they, as a person, rock), maybe give her a nice bottle of perfume you DO like, and say, “I smelled this and thought you’d smell amazing wearing it” and when she does wear it, compliment it a lot, I don’t know. I’ve never had anyone cuss me out for my perfume choices. (Because DAMN, I smell amazing. I’m good at perfume.) If you don’t like how she does her hair – SHUSH IT RIGHT UP. Seriously. Or go date someone else. Her hair is none of your business, just like your combover to hide what we all know is a damn bald spot isn’t ours. Stop being controlling.

Are you getting the feeling I’m going to get angrier at the male advice than I did at the female advice? Me too.

Do you show your devotion to a woman by holding her hand or putting your arm around her when her friends are present?

Please don’t. Even a girl who is affectionate in private dislikes public mauling.

Is this a 40s thing? I don’t know that this is a big deal now. I don’t know that putting your arm around someone or holding their hand is a public “mauling.” Well, unless you’re a bear, or like Vincent from Beauty and the Beast. Are you Vincent from Beauty and the Beast? Then I can’t help you with dating advice, go hang out in the sewers.

He seems very mauly, right?

He seems very mauly, right?

Can you describe the dress or hat worn by the last two girls you took out?

If not, notice and comment on the next few. Women appreciate having men notice the efforts they make over their appearance.

I’m so glad we don’t have to wear hats in this day and age. I hate hats. They always make my head hot, and make my hair all squashed in the hat-area. Is this question a test? “QUICK! DESCRIBE CLOTHING ITEMS!” Yes. It’s nice to say nice things about what your date is wearing. I don’t take umbrage with this question. I do, however, take umbrage with hats.

One of these is not a hat. It's a cowl. You can't pull one over on me!

One of these is not a hat. It’s a cowl. You can’t pull one over on me! Get it? Cowl? Pull one over? HA!

Do you have a double code about drunkenness for men and women when they are together?

If a man has to get drunk, he’ll be more attractive if he restricts this behavior to stag company.

We gonna hang? Cool. But leave your Zimas at home, dude, they didn't even have those in the 40s.

We gonna hang? Cool. But leave your Zimas at home, dude, they didn’t even have those in the 40s.

Whoa. Where are you going to find all those male deer? Like, are you going to break into a zoo? You could get totally injured, not to mention, it’s not at all cool to get drunk around wild animals. They might impale you with their horns. That’s possible also a euphemism.

Oh, stag is an old-timey way to say “only penises need apply?” Great, good, sorry for the confusion. So this tip is telling you not to get drunk around women. Well, I guess. Whatever. That seems old-fashioned, but this is the 40s, what can I tell you.

Do you sometimes take a girl out on parties of four or more, as a change from twosomes?

A good idea. A girl may feel hurt if you never ask her to meet your other friends.

MORE TALK OF FOURSOMES! Or even MORE than foursomes! ORGIES, PEOPLE, THE FORTIES ARE HAVIN’ AN ORGY!

Yes, a girl might feel hurt if you never ask her to meet your other friends. She might think you’re keeping her as a dirty secret in the closet, only good for twosomes and not good enough for PUBLIC twosomes. OR ORGIES. Unless, again, you’re Vincent from Beauty and the Beast; then the girl might be all “Yeah, let’s stay in the sewer and play Risk again tonight, what do you say? I think I’m getting really good at it.”

This is the NEW Vincent. He's not as mauly. But his eyes turn yellow when he's pissed, or having sex. I mean, so I hear. I don't...um...watch this show or anything. Heh.

This is the NEW Vincent. He’s not as mauly. But his eyes turn yellow when he’s pissed, or having sex. I mean, so I hear. I don’t…um…watch this show or anything. Heh.

Do you make distinctions between the jokes you’d tell a man in the club and those you’d tell a girl in a park automobile?

Almost no women like bathroom jokes or jokes with dirty words.

What’s a park automobile? Like, a park ranger’s car? Oh, it’s a typo and it means PARKED automobile? Were there no copyeditors in 1949? Urgh. Probably they were all women and they were busy buying hats and having foursomes.

PARK CAR!

PARK CAR!

ALMOST no women like bathroom jokes or jokes with dirty words. Especially when you’re in a park automobile. Because nothing says “put your hand on my gear shift, little lady, let’s get this old-timey automobile up to 40 miles per hour” than “HA HA DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE HUGE TURD?”

But apparently, some women must like that. Because almost means SOME do. So keep looking, bub, and someday you’ll find your lady of flatulence.

Do you tell a woman she’s beautiful, even if she isn’t?

This habit hurts nobody and makes a lot of girls happier.

Well, it hurts the girl you’re lying to, who now thinks you think she’s beautiful when she apparently is a hosebeast. Stop lying. If she’s not beautiful, just don’t mention it. Is that so hard? Talk about something else, for the love of Pete. Also, why are you dating her if you don’t think she’s pretty? Were you blinded in a terrible acid experiment in science class or something?

Do you ask an attractive girl — who is probably busy most evenings — to call you up sometime when she’s free?

Don’t do this: you may always ask a popular girl far enough ahead of time to find a free evening.

Also, she probably has the clap, so ask out the dog-faced girl from the last question, you’ll be less apt to have your dick rot off.

Do you plan your evenings with a woman ahead of time or leave the choice of amusement up to her?

It’s much more flattering for a man to announce the evening’s program, showing he has given thought to her amusement.

“TONIGHT WE WILL BE AMUSING OURSELVES WITH GAMES OF CHANCE, AND ALSO EATING SHELLFISH.”

“But I’m allergic to shellf-“

“SHUSH. I MAKE THE PLANS, AS I HAVE A PENIS.”

Do you believe it necessary in the modern age to push in a girl’s chair for her and to light her cigarettes?

These small courtesies mean a lot to a girl.

“May I light your cigarette?”

“I don’t smoke.”

SMOKE IT, I SAID!

SMOKE IT, I SAID!

“YOU’LL SMOKE AND LIKE IT. ESQUIRE SAYS IT MEANS A LOT TO YOU. NOW STICK THIS UNFILTERED CANCER STICK IN YOUR MOUTHHOLE WHILE I POKE A MATCH NEAR YOUR FACE, BABYLOVE.”

Do you ever tell a girl you love her, under the spell of the moment, when you suspect that you won’t tomorrow?

This is a dirty trick and if you do, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Moreover, the word will soon get around to other women.

Is anyone else getting the feeling that “under the spell of the moment” means…um…in the midst of…unloading?

No? Just me? Great. Good. Grand.

Oh, maybe it means in the HEAT of the moment. You go, Asia. You go, you timeless bastards.

Oh, maybe it means in the HEAT of the moment. You go, Asia. You go, you timeless bastards.

Well, we learned up above that girls don’t like things that are dirty, except some do, so I guess keep looking for the filthy ones. And stop lying to women. You know we’re gossipmongers, and we’ll tell everyone you’re a lying liar who lies about being in the spell of moments.

How many times a week do you shave?

Once a day is minimum, if you care what women think of you.

Forty-two times a day is OCD, if you care what doctors think of you.

(Also, did 40s women hate beards? HEY! 40s WOMEN! I WILL TAKE YOUR BEARDY REJECTS AS I TOTALLY HAVE A BEARD-LOVE GOING ON ALL OVER HERE!)

Would you dine a girl expensively and not buy her flowers, or economize on the place and bring her at least a gardenia?

Most women would prefer having flowers and less to eat.

“I brought you effing ROSES, the least you could do is eat from the free BREAD BASKET and stop WHINING about being HUNGRY!”

(I’m also in tears of laughter about the “at LEAST a GARDENIA” thing. The poor sad gardenia! The least of the flowers! I mean, it could have been road-weeds. Count your blessings, I guess.)

Aw, they're totally pretty, too! What's with the gardenia-hatred?

Aw, they’re totally pretty, too! What’s with the gardenia-hatred?

If your hostess at a dance is obviously having a whirl, do you consider it necessary to dance with her?

You always should, as a matter of good manners.

“Having a whirl” is most definitely a euphemism, right?

Yeah, I thought so. Remember what I said earlier about the clap, boys.

Do you try to arouse a girl’s interest by boasting of your success with other women?

Don’t ever do this!

Listen, I take offense. You NEED to arouse women. It’s totally mandatory.

What? Oh, read the rest of the sentence?

Shit. Yeah, don’t talk about all the wick-dipping you’ve been doing all over town with the party hostesses, guys.

Jeez, I have like the worst reading comprehension ever today.

Do you consider it a young girl’s own business whether she gets tight and is indiscreet when she’s out with you?

Keep an inexperienced girl from getting tight, if you have to spank her, and don’t let any woman become indiscreet through liquor. Triumphs over drunken women don’t help any man.

I don’t…what can I even say about this one…um…there’s “tight” and there’s spanking and…

Well, other than SO MANY NAUGHTINESSES GOING ON, at least it’s not advocating date-rape. Way to go, 40s, way to go.

If a girl you’re fond of asks you to be nice to her cousin with adenoids and buck teeth do you cut her off your list?

Not pleasant, but if you rally around and give Cousin Belle a whirl, you’ll soon be known as the nicest man in town.

Or the biggest loser who does whatever anyone tells him. Or, if you follow the instructions above, you’re totally gonna get Cousin Belle preggers, and THEN you’re stuck, dude. Put a raincoat on that thing if you have to tell the ugly girl she’s beautiful, is all I’m saying, here.

Also, “not pleasant.” Well, I bet Cousin Belle doesn’t think it’s especially pleasant to have to hang with you, you douchekebob.

If you had a quarrel with a girl — in which she is clearly in the wrong — will you wait for her to apologize before calling her up or risk being a door mat and do it first?

Be a door mat — it’s easier for you to call a girl than for her to call you.

“In which she is clearly in the wrong.”

As they are. As they ALWAYS are.

It’s easier for you to call her? Why, is she chained up in the basement or something? Has someone cut off all her dialin’ fingers?

Oh. Because PRIDE. Because STUPIDLY MISPLACED LADY-PRIDE. Gotcha.

Well! What did we learn TODAY, men?

Um. Mostly, I don’t know about all of you, but I learned I have no interest in dating a 40s man, even if he’s a super-hot time traveler who looks like Newman or Brando. Because he’s going to set my hair on fire, not let me eat while shoving flowers in my face, take me out in park cars while restraining himself from making fart jokes, be all clean-shaven and obsessive about it, and insult both my hair and my perfume.

All of these? Total recipes for the hotness. Right? Right, ladies? Ladies? Where are you? You all ran off with young Newman, didn’t you. DAMMIT. Don’t come running back to me if he never lets you drink and expects you to wear all the hats.

These women don't look as upset as I would to have been decapitated and put in hatboxes. Also, one of them is wearing a Robin Hood hat, I think. Hmm. Perplexing.

These women don’t look as upset as I would to have been decapitated and put in hatboxes. Also, one of them is wearing a Robin Hood hat, I think. Hmm. Perplexing.

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

38 responses to “How many times a week do you shave? If you answer incorrectly, we may have to kill you.

  • scorpionglow

    LMAO! This is brilliant.

    Like

  • An Embarrassment of Freedom

    Thanks for this! Your sense of humour is wonderfully sarcasmic.
    My first sighting of Paul Newman was when I was just a kid and I was walking through my sister-in-law’s livingroom and saw her watching him in an old film, something gladiator-like and I remember being stopped in my tracks. I’ve had it( being a fan) bad ever since. I think and hope he was a truly wonderful man.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      He was (and remains, as he’s captured on film for all time) just one of the most handsome men ever. And he seems to have been a very good person, as well – a rare combination, but one I love when I find.

      Like

  • Corvidae in the Fields

    You’re close with “pass.” Ever hear of the phrase “make a pass at someone”? It’s an antiquated way of saying “flirt on first sight.” I would add that it doesn’t always have to be bad pick up lines either. That being said, the art of flirting requires practice and I’m not sure the average Joe knows how to flirt properly. In the 40s, I imagine a Friz Freleng cartoon with someone saying, “you’ve got real purdy eyes,” with the woman giggling coyly.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Oh, Nate.

      I will tell you a thing I had to tell someone else, many moons ago. It’s served him well, over the time we’ve been friends.

      Just assume, whenever you’re reading anything I’ve written, 99% of it is sarcastic.

      (I know what making a pass is. I was making a funny.)

      Like

  • emmawolf

    Thank you for correcting the grievous error regarding the lack of Paul Newman. I also felt his absence in the previous post. Thank you for recognizing our suffering.

    Like

  • elaine4queen

    1. “hosebeast” is this a word? Can I use it in WWF?

    2. “Also, she probably has the clap, so ask out the dog-faced girl from the last question, you’ll be less apt to have your dick rot off.” is ALL THE FUNNY.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      The real dictionary says no, but Urban Dictionary says yes, and that it’s “A woman who is ruthless, evil, and outright objectionable in both physical and mental presence.” Hee!

      (I usually combine it with “psycho.” I think I got it from “Wayne’s World” back in the day.)

      YAY ALL THE FUNNY!

      Like

  • sj

    That is NOT Vincent.

    Like

  • Heather

    I was raised in a family full of dirty-jokesters, so I’m all for the dirty jokes (as long as they aren’t also racist and things of that nature). A good dirty joke will have me snort-laughing in no time. Hahaha!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Me, too! Add in an intelligent play-on-words, and I’m in stitches.

      (I still love “a _____ walked into a bar” jokes. Especially when they’re intelligent and nerdy.)

      Like

  • becomingcliche

    I am not sure which part had me laughing harder, but the next time my husband tries to hold my hand, I’m hauling him in for mauling me.

    HUGE TURD! HAHAHAHA! Wait. I’m “some,” aren’t I?

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      “STOP IT! HE’S MAULING ME!!!!!”

      Your poor husband. He’s going to be so confused!

      The word “turd” will never not make me get the giggles. Not even ever.

      I’m “some,” too.

      Like

  • Aleksandra (@yeksovic)

    Paul Newman, so pretty, swoon… Can you say of men that they’re pretty? Or is “pretty” restricted to women? I mean, he’s manly, too, but also pretty. Would men be offended if you told them they were pretty? I’m asking as a non-native speaker. And why is he wearing this shirt? Was he a sailor or something? It reminds me of Popeye. I’m too lazy to look it up, you don’t have to answer this, I’m rambling because Paul Newman.

    And now for something completely different: What happened to the other cat that is not Dumbcat? I think I read all your posts but I seem to have missed something. Or is this a sensitive topic and I shouldn’t ask? If it is, just disregard the question, I’m just curious.

    Oh, great post, by the way – as always.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      You can totally call men pretty. Well, I don’t know if you CAN. But I do. All the time. (Maybe not to their faces, I don’t know how that would go over, but it’s definitely a thing I say. I work in theater, so I know a LOT of pretty men.)

      I’m thinking maybe he was in a movie about sailing? Not sure!

      It’s funny, that’s the second question about Newcat that I got today! I blogged about it in May: Newcat was tearing up Dumbcat to the point he was covered in blood and petrified to eat or use the litterbox. I tried everything I could, but she wouldn’t stop (and wasn’t especially nice to me, either.) After much soul-searching, I returned Newcat to the shelter, with firm instructions to make sure the new owner would take her into a one-cat household.

      Like

  • Juliette

    This is pee your pants blow milk out your nose funny and just brilliant! No wonder men seemed so uptight when I was a kid and women seemed so pissed off at them all the time!

    I like the hats and the gardenias (love those) but “the spell of the moment” usually ends when I wake up next to someone and don’t remember his name. On the other hand, I DO live next to a park so I’ll have to find one of their automobiles so I can hear some good jokes.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I think it would be awesome if you just sat in a park car and waited for a ranger to show up and when he was all, “WHAT THE HELL?” you were like, “I read on the interwebs you have some poo jokes for me. GET AT ‘EM! I’m that kind of girl!”

      If you get arrested, don’t call me, though, because I don’t know any bail bondsmen.

      Like

  • franhunne4u

    I like hats – at least they keep you from sunburns on the neck, and if the rim is broad enough even on the shoulders – maybe somebody should rethink her attitude about hats ;)

    Like

  • How many times a week do you shave? If you answer incorrectly, we may have to kill you. | West Coast Review

    […] Click here: How many times a week do you shave? If you answer incorrectly, we may have to kill you.. […]

    Like

  • Samantha

    Hahaha, omg. I loved this.

    Personally, I’m not a huge fan of having an arm around my shoulder or waist in public. Holding hands is fine, but it’s just awkward and unpractical when walking around, for instance. I just think it’s funny they mentioned this.

    And why do they insult the poor gardenias? Gardenias smell AMAZING and are beautiful. Stupid 40s article insulting gardenias.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I would hand-hold. The arm-thing would be awkward while walking. We could sit down for that part, me & young Brando. Or recline. His choice. I’ll let him maul me.

      Like

  • poetlandia

    Paul Newman makes me teary-eyed because when he died, I read someone (a friend of his) saying that all he (she?) could picture was Paul getting to heaven and being met by a huge crowd of fuzzy-headed kids saying, “Paul! You’re here! What are we going to play now?”

    A young friend of mine survived childhood cancer and was at one of his first camps and met him several times and talks about how really sweet he was to her and that he was willing to PLAY.

    And that, my friends, is a super-hot 1940s man. ;)

    (This was a hysterical post. Thanks!)

    Like

  • Madame Weebles

    I have to admit, Paul Newman didn’t really do it for me. Except in Cool Hand Luke. He was pretty hot in that.

    But see, when I saw the title of your post, I thought this was going to be a post about LADIES shaving. So I was all ready to comment based on that: “Well, in the summertime I shave every day because it’s gross to feel prickly legs in the heat, and I wear shorts a lot, but in the winter not as often and because I’m always wearing pants it’s not such a big deal.”

    So now I wrote all that for nothing.

    Also, we should check to see if marriage/pregnancy rates went up or down in 1949—it would be interesting to see if Esquire’s advice paid off or not.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      SO hot in Cool Hand Luke. And cool. Like, the coolest. No real-life people are that cool.

      Ugh, I am the laziest about shaving because I don’t own a lot of shorts. Sorry to ruin the facade, fellas!

      Ooh, we totally should. I’m thinking they went down, because mauling and drinking in mixed company were no longer acceptable.

      Like

  • mfennvt

    Oh, I’m so glad you remembered Paul Newman. So pretty. Tony Curtis had it going on as a young man in 1949, too.

    Like

  • b.h.quinn

    I love these; they remind me of some of my grandmother’s housewifey books I came across a few years ago (my grandmother’s commentary was just as sarcastically hilarious as yours is here).

    On our first date my boyfriend gave me a large bouquet of roses and I tried to be nice and hold them and what-not because they are *expensive*, I ended up being awkward enough that he just took them from me and put them on the backseat (why did I not think of that?). We’d been friends for quite some time before that, so it wasn’t nearly as strange as it sounds but he should have known that after an hour or so of being polite I would have told him off for spending so much money on flowers when I want yummy food. He knew me better than that.

    Also, hats! I often need the hats to prevent me from getting the sunburn. (The Hawaiian blood is not strong in me; I have mostly definitely Irish-Scottish-English skin.) The bf took me to a strange thing when I was in England where I had to wear a large hat and be nice and polite to strangers while trying to balance the stupid hat on my head and eating stupid, small appetizers and drinking not-enough-champagne. Since then I’ve been less fond of hats and more sunburned.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I like the dynamic you and your boyfriend have. It makes me happy. You’re like the good couple that snarks and meshes well. You win.

      I ALSO need the hats for sunburn prevention; I’m as pale as a vampire. Or a ghost. Or the ghost of a vampire. I have a burn right now that is almost purple-red. OW.

      Like

      • b.h.quinn

        Thank you. That seems to be the common sentiment, and it is mostly true.

        Ouch. I am sure I am to get skin cancer because I get sunburned on my cheeks and nose all the time. (Especially when I was working on the USS Missouri and was in the sun all the time.) I was in the sun for all of 15 minutes for my grandmother’s scattering and I was redder than said bf, who is all Irish and hates sunscreen on some stupid masculine principle. It is most unfair.

        I can only recommend prevention with big, floppy hats and lots of sunscreen. After the fact, only time, lack of painful clothing, aloe and cold showers help.

        Like

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