You know what we all like? And need?
Excellent dating advice.
Remember a billion years ago (FINE, it was like a little less than two years ago) we talked about dating advice from 1938? And it was mostly “don’t get drunk” and “wear a brassiere” and “don’t get too familiar with the headwaiter?” And THOSE were really helpful tips, right? I mean, I know they’ve saved me from a TON of terrible situations over the last almost-two-years. Shut up, they might have. You don’t know my life. I might very well be having all KINDS of torrid affairs I don’t talk about on the interwebs.
SIGH FINE, if I was having a torrid affair, I’d probably at least drop hints about it on the interwebs. Or I’d be in a better mood or something.
So today I found ANOTHER super-helpful dating advice article, and the first thing I thought (well, after “YAY THESE’LL BE HELPFUL FOR ALL MY TORRID AFFAIRS!”) was “well, because you’re such a humanitarian, you need to be sharing these tips with the blog-people. I mean, keeping them all to yourself would be a total dick move, yo.”
So, let’s discuss dating advice from 1949!
Now, since this is 11 years after the LAST dating advice, it’s BOUND to be better, right? And also, 1949 is the year Amy’s Dad was born, so probably this is the sort of thing he grew up with. AND, this advice is from ESQUIRE, you guys. If there’s any magazine you can trust about dating advice, it’s Esquire. Right?
Oh, shit, this is going to be bad.
This is from a questionnaire so ladies of 1949 can make themselves more attractive to the opposite sex. Let’s see some men from 1949, so we can see what we’re getting.
OK, so now we know what we’re playing for, ladies…oh, shit. Wait a minute. I’m being totally exclusionary. Some of my lady-readers like ladies themselves! They will like to know who THEY are playing for. I feel like a heel. An absolute louse. (Like that? I’m getting you in the 1940s mood with the lingo.) Wait just a minute.
OK. NOW we know what we’re playing for. Let’s see how we get these lovely ladies (and gents) to fall crazy head-over-heels for us, what do you say, ladies? Great! Here we go! HELPFUL TIPS!
Do you bring the names of other men into the conversation to give yourself a sought-after appearance?
Don’t. This may give a man a sense of inferiority — he is uncomfortable with you, and soon drifts away to someone else. It may make him wonder how much talking you do about him.
Um. OK. So our first tip is don’t talk about any other men, ever. Shit. Some of my best friends are men? So I…just shouldn’t mention them? Like, ever? But what if Andreas tells me an awesome sciency thing, or BFF make me laugh and laugh about something? Hmm.
KEEP THINKING OF YOUNG BRANDO, AMY! YOU CAN DO THIS!
(I think it’d take more than name-dropping to give me a “sought-after appearance.” Heh.)
Do you wear clothes that make you a little more up-to-the-minute than the other women in your set?
Good — provided your taste is reliable and that the clothes suit you. Men may rant about the “crazy hat” but they swell with pride when their lady companions arouse admiring stares.
I…am confused. Do I need to wear a crazy hat? I own two baseball caps, a wool beret, a reversible fishman’s hat that keeps the sun off my face, and some winter beanies. Are those crazy enough? What if I pinned a brooch to them? Or tied some yarn to them or something? I sure do want my man to swell with pride. Yes. Yes, that’s a euphemism.
If you are asked to get another girl for a foursome, do you pick one obviously less attractive than you are?
You are unwise to do so. Get the most glamorous girl you know, and both men will be pleased.
Wait a minute. When did I agree to have a foursome? I don’t even remember to agreeing to a THREESOME. You can’t just spring a foursome on someone, 40s man, even if you are Brando. And where am I getting this ugly girl to fill out our foursome? This whole scenario is troublesome. (Also, I’m pretty sure, no matter how attractive the girl I get is, both men are gonna be pleased. We’re having a FOURSOME, yo, that’s like the BEST THING EVER for a 40s man. They don’t have porn on-demand on their computers like men today do.)
What? The foursome is referring to a DATE? Oh, well, man, I misunderstood THAT, now didn’t I? Carry on.
Do you make a point of building up other women, even those you dislike, in discussing them with a man?
This is sound practice. But don’t put it on so thick that it sounds like a line.
Well! Sound practice! Good show! Pip pip! Righto! And heavens forefend I rehearse what I’m saying so it sounds like a line, right? Wouldn’t want to sound REHEARSED on my date. But I do have to remember all these tips. But don’t sound rehearsed. SO MUCH TO REMEMBER. *pant pant pant*
Do men marvel at your capacity for holding liquor?
A great mistake: it gives you a fast reputation and runs into money — the man’s money — besides.
I am sitting here thinking about how much liquor I can hold. I’m thinking probably two or three bottles per hand? Like, if I were to hold the necks of the bottles.
Oh, DRINKING the liquor? Well, shit, wouldn’t want a fast reputation. I’m not Lightning McQueen. And OH NO! Wouldn’t want to spend the man’s money! I mean, he’s got to rent the hotel room for our hot foursome later, I suppose, needs to save his simoleons and such.
How many comfortable chairs are there in your living room?
At least two, I hope. No man can fall in love unless he has a chance to relax and he can’t if either of you sits bolt upright.
“No man can fall in love unless he has a chance to relax.” Huh. Is that a rule? Well, THAT’S what I’ve been doing wrong? I have NO chairs in my living room! I have ONE COUCH! And four kitchen chairs, but one is broken and Dad has to fix it! Oh, well, no one’s ever going to fall in love in my non-love-conducive living room. THIS IS THE WORST. I need to go buy two beanbag chairs or something so I can gets me a MAN, yo.
Do you keep men interested by hinting that later — not tonight — you’ll be really demonstrative?
This is a low trick and one that a surprising number of men see through at once. If you kiss a man, it should be for your own pleasure and not to reward him.
A SURPRISING number! (But not all of ’em, so keep going, ladies, you might get a dumb one!) “Hey, honey, this date was the best, even though you kept talking about foursomes and wouldn’t buy me a drink and hate my kitchen chairs. Let’s do it again. WHOA NELLY! Get offa me! But maybe NEXT time, we can…hang a towel rack. If you know what I mean. And I think you do. What do I mean? Oh, I have this towel rack I need help hanging, but also maybe we could have all the sex afterward.”
I have to say I’m surprised 40s Esquire gives shit one about your pleasure, though, sincerely.
Do you make things easier for a man by suggesting that he climb into a car first, if he’s driving, or by asking him not to stand up when you come into the room?
This is an error — men know that they are supposed to show these signs of consideration to a girl and they respect her more if she takes them as a matter of course.
Just shut up and let him treat you like a lady, baby. Don’t mouth off. UGH. What the hell is WRONG with you?
Do you ever embarrass a man by telling him he’s good-looking or has big muscles or is too, too intelligent?
Try it! Almost any man can stand almost any amount of flattery, however obvious, without embarrassment or surprise.
“You’re too, too intelligent. No, seriously. TOO TOO INTELLIGENT. I’ve never met anyone like you. What? You’re not surprised? Or embarrassed? What if I told you you’re smarter than EVERY MAN IN THE WHOLE WORLD? Still not surprised? Not even a little embarrassed? Hello? Are you…honey? HONEY? Oh, shit, I think my date’s dead, this is just the worst. Where am I going to find another one of these?”
Do you knit when you are having a cozy, fireside evening with a man?
For some reason, men hate to see a woman doing anything with her hands when talking to her. Undivided attention is best.
I can think of something a man would like to see a woman doing with her hands while talking to her.
OMG, you guys are DIRTY. I of course meant making him a sandwich. Get your minds out of the gutter!
Do you either play bridge or dance really well?
If not, take steps to correct this at once. You’re better off if you do both well, but one talent is mandatory.
Oh, fuck. I dance like I’ve been electrocuted and card games with too many rules are the worst. I get so bored. I have a lot of talents. Can I substitute one of those? I choose “making sarcastic asides at the other numbskulls playing bridge or dancing.”
Are you so beautifully groomed that you make an average man feel like a lout when he takes you out?
Fine. Men are extremely critical of any imperfection in a girl’s neatness. If he feels like a lout once, the average escort will take pains to be better-dressed himself the next time.
I don’t think any man has to worry about this with me. No, sincerely. I’m lucky if I get out the door without my clothing being crooked, stained, or ripped somewhere strange. And my hair…well. Unruly. Just so, so unruly. Come at me, louts! I’m available!
Do you, when you have first met a really attractive man, clinch your future acquaintance by some polite variation of “Come up and see me sometime”?
It often helps out on the occasions when the man is too shy to make the first advance himself.
Hmm. Polite variation. What about “you are pretty, I would like to kiss your mouth with my mouth?” or “Do you like popsicles? I ALSO LIKE POPSICLES LET’S GET MARRIED FOR ALL OF LIFE?” I mean, for example. Also, “too shy” is often “disinterested,” so don’t confuse the two. Best of luck with that and all.
Do you keep your friendships warm by chatty calls to your men friends at their offices?
This is fatal.
By “friendships” do you mean “relationships” and by “men friends” do you mean “boyfriends?” Why are you being all coy all of a sudden?
And if I call my fella at work, is he going to put a hit out on me? I don’t like the sound of this “fatal” thing.
Do you use artificial conversation gambits like “What movie would you choose if you had to see it every week for a year?” to start talk with a shy dinner partner?
A very good plan — someone has to start the conversation and a question like this can keep it rolling for quite awhile.
This can also backfire. What if the guy says Fried Green Tomatoes and nothing else? Well, first, you’d be all, “WHAT?” because it’s 1949 and that shit doesn’t exist yet. But then you’d be like, “why’d he say that?” and “what a weird choice!” and “do you think he’d pay if I ordered a vodka tonic, or would that be fatal, too?”
Do you save yourself wear and tear by not troubling to entertain men bores?
A grave mistake. Bores have their uses since a clever girl can practice her conversation on them, with nothing much to lose. Besides, they often have attractive friends.
True story: I thought this said “man hores” and I was like “HA HA FUNNY TYPO FOR WHORES!”
Hee, “men bores.” Also, this is the worst thing. Just the worst. A., you’re practicing conversation on some poor boring sap who thinks he has a chance to grope up under your crinolines? And B., you’re using him to get to his less-boring friends? Even if his less-boring friend is Brando, that shit is MEAN, yo. You’re never going to be invited to the foursome now.
Do you suffer from indecision when ordering dinner or drinks in a restaurant with a man?
This maddens them — learn to make up your mind rapidly.
This “maddens” them? What, are they going to throw a chair through a window, Hulk-style?
I often cannot decide if I want chicken or fish or shellfish or something vegetably and it takes me a while to decide. If my manfriend/man hore can’t wait for me, he can go off and be fatal all by himself. Too many choices makes me think I’m making a mistake.
Also, I thought I wasn’t allowed to order drinks because that meant the man was spending his simoleons?
This is the worst.
This was spectacularly unhelpful. What have we learned?
Except that people from the 40s were pretty hot, because black and white photos make everything better.
There are tips for men at the bottom of that post. I can totally talk about the tips for men tomorrow. Oh, shit, wait, no, Mom’s here tomorrow, and she doesn’t care for blogging. Monday, then. What do you think, men, need some super-helpful dating tips? You’re probably going to get ’em anyway, just letting you know, but I was making it look like it was a democratic process.
HAPPY SATURDAY! I am going to bed because tomorrow is work and mom and dinner and play and I will no doubt at some point get overwhelmed and need to cry in a bathroom. Because reasons. Won’t THAT be fun! Hooray for visiting family!