An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 24, Part 2)

Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:

I know! I took WAY TOO LONG to write this. I’m sorry. First there was the whole DOMA/Prop 8 thing, then I had to go to Massachusetts and review a show and I was up until 2:30am catching up on my life and writing the review and such. And this morning I woke up and realized there was no way I was going to get this written before the time I wanted to get it posted and I wanted to write about Andreas’ fun octopus mug anyway. SO! Anyway. Here we are. Part two! More search terms! ALL SEARCH TERMS ALL THE TIME! Well, no. Not all the time. Just once or twice a month. How boring would a blog of nothing but search terms be?

We don’t need to recap WHY I’m doing this, right? Nah. Just read the post a couple days ago if you’re confused. But I bet you’re not. Confused, I mean. I’ve been doing these posts for a long time. Here, quick recap: people search for things; the things have nothing to do with me; the things bring them here; I address the weirdest ones. Bing bang boom.

And yes, I know this is supposed to be a Kind-of-Sort-of-Ask-Lucy post day, but I didn’t get enough questions this month to bother. Which is suspicious. I feel as if you might not think I can answer your questions so you’ve been taking them on the sly to Dear Abby or something. You DO know Dear Abby has been dead for YEARS, right? And it’s like her daughter or someone that’s writing that column? Good. GOOD. As long as you’re aware it’s all a sham.

See? IT IS A SHAM!!!

Onward and upward, chickadees. I still have LOTS of search terms to discuss. You guys stepped it up this month, I have to say.

Category the First: WHAT? NO.

can a adult stab a kid who is rushing him        

Your first thought shouldn’t be “can I stab this kid?” THAT SHOULD NOT BE THE FIRST THING THAT CROSSES YOUR MIND. First, why do you even have a knife? You shouldn’t have a knife. Leave your knives in the cutlery drawer. And if you have like a butterfly knife or a switchblade or something, well, DON’T have one of those, I think they’re illegal and you’re not a Shark or a Jet.

Even the Sharks and the Jets are distressed by this search term.

If a kid is rushing you, you are the adult. You should be able to outthink that kid. But if you’re not – well, maybe you’re going to get hurt, I suppose. But you don’t need to be stabbing someone. It makes me sad that in this day and age, violence is the first thing to cross people’s minds. Stop that.

Category the Second: Why do you hate me?

bashing lucys football
lucy dead fairy tales          

WHAT IS HAPPENING? You are bashing me and then there are dead fairy tales? I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS. I would never bash you or tell you dead fairy tales. You are just the meanest. I’m going over here to sulk and/or eat some chocolate.

You made me a sad puppy. A SAD PUPPY!

Category the Third: Oh, Charleen! You have a stalker! He/she came here to find you! I find this worrisome!

charleen charleencharleencharleen

Hmm. Well, Charleen, I don’t know what to tell you here. This is creepytown. This is how a serial killer doodles in his notebook, writing your name over and over and over.

Dear person who’s being weird about Charleen: cut that right out, I like her. She’s good people.

Category the Fourth: Oh, pervs. Keep on pervin’ on.

“why shouldn’t we” incest sister fuck     
football, nude, 2013        
googlesex with woman like you               
naked hillbilly men hangingout nude together.

Why shouldn’t you? How about because it’s your sister, and who the hell other than early-series Jaime Lannister is attracted to their sister? I mean, seriously. Sometimes I read these things and I think, “Really?” because I have a brother, people, and the mere thought of him in a naughty fashion makes me want to scream, vomit, and claw my eyes out with crochet hooks. GROSS YOU GUYS. There’s also the chance of inbreeding, I suppose, as well as the societal taboos. But mostly, gross. JUST GROSS.

Even if my brother looked like this and said “I dreamed of you.” NOT EVEN THEN.

If you play football nude you’re going to get grass in your cootch. In 2013 or in any other time.

Hmm. Googlesex with woman like me, huh? First, I have to ask. What exactly would be Googlesex? Sex via Gmail, or Google Chat, or Google Hangout, or…what exactly? And a woman just like me? You know women like me are cantankerous, stubborn, obstinate, borderline rude, quite often loud and unable to be shushed, and not really the kind of people you want to have whatever Googlesex is with? I’m not saying we’re not worth the work you have to put into us. We totally are. But we’re also not your typical spankbank material, so you might want to move onto someone a little less equipped with our own brains and a little more “whatever you say, you big old man, you.”

I can’t even imagine why you’d want to see naked hillbilly men hanging out together. I would imagine it’s not an overly pretty sight. Lots of dangly bits and yee-hawing. Who needs that?

Category the Fifth: Is this a thing? Am I the spokesperson?

scar neck month    

This year, to celebrate Scar Neck Month, we will have half-off scarves and large chunky chokers. Our Keynote Speaker will be Lucy’s Football, who survived neck surgery and LIVED, and barely has a scar to show for it. Later, we will have SNACKS. Registration fee is $47,000, and can be paid in order to Lucy’s Football Travel to Finland Fund. Thank you for your interest in Scar Neck Month.

Category the Sixth: Because REASONS.

why isn’t “joyland” available in e reader version?  

Because the publisher (and maybe King himself) have decided we need to experience it like it’s the olden days and if we desire to experience it otherwise, our souls are broken. Yes, I’m completely serious. And yes, I realize it’s an asshatty move on their part. I am informed, if you’re into illegality, there are places to find it online now. I’m not advocating this in the least. I purchased the paperback because I don’t dare do anything illegal online, I’d be sure to get a virus. Probably the clap. I’m just saying it’s a thing that apparently exists, you know, if you like to decide how you want to experience books on your own, like a grown-ass human being.

Category the Seventh: Questions for Andreas!

nude midsummer in sweden 2013           
o ai ai ai ai buf swedish troll         
reason behind naked statue in finland   

How much do I love that Andreas got three search terms over here this month? The most, is how much.

I just also want to side-note and say it’s been a really good month. June 2013’s totally going to go down as the month to beat this year. I like to make notes on my calendar so that at the end of the year, I can look back and say “oh, that happened” or whatever, and this month I have a huge “OMG” written next to June on my calendar. Then I added a Z so it was a total ZOMG month. This month really wins, despite the rain, heat, humidity, and my weird on-again-off-again broken air conditioner.

I looked up naked midsummerness in Sweden (why are you obsessed with it being in 2013?) and didn’t find much. Andreas sent me photos of the midsummer pole, though, which I think is very cool. I have much respect for a country that respects the old ways. I think if we were to do a little more of that, there would be a little more magic left in the world, to be honest. I did find that traditionally, people got a little more…um…amorous around midsummer, so I suppose they would need to be nude (or at least parts of them would be) but that’s about it. It’s a cool tradition over there. They raise a midsummer pole (per both the interwebs and Andreas, it’s totally a euphemism) and eat midsummery foods (one of them is – urgh – herring; they really love their herring in Scandinavian countries) and dance and sing and play in the sun. I approve wholeheartedly of Andreas’ midsummer.

I want to traipse around a midsummer pole! I’d be QUITE good at that!

I feel like we talked about this o ai ai ai ai ai buf troll thing before, but for the life of me I can’t find it, and the interwebs isn’t helping. I can’t even find how you got HERE with that search. Andreas, this is going to have to be all on you. Swedish trolls? You like trolls. I think you can solve this mystery for us.

I don’t know WHAT naked statue you’re referring to, but this one seems to come up a lot, and it’s pretty, and it’s in Helsinki:

This is the Havis Amanda, and every year on Walpurgis Night people put a cap on her and it’s a big deal. Aw, I love this statue. So pretty. Also, look what Wikipedia says:

There is also an urban legend that Havis Amanda patronizes men’s sexual potency. Some men believe that washing one’s face with water from one of Havis Amanda’s fountains and shouting thrice “Rakastaa!” (Finnish verb “love”) increases men’s sexual ability.

RAKASTAA!

However, I’d think washing one’s face from a public fountain would give you pinkeye.

Andreas, have you been to the pretty naked statue? Can we visit it when I come see you?

Category the Eighth: She DID? She’s…um…a puppet, though?

lady elaine fairchilde married a black guy  

TERRIFYING TERRIFYING SHE WAS ALWAYS TERRIFYING

I don’t know what to even say about this. Was there an interracial puppet wedding on Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood when I was a kid? I assure you I don’t remember that at all. I even did some internet research and see nothing about her being married. I did find this tidbit, though: “She is afraid of vacuum cleaners and regards them as weapons. In one episode, she attempts to destroy all vacuum cleaners that are not in her possession.” OMG HEE! Just like Dumbcat! Only he’s less about destroying them and more about hiding under the couch when his nemesis the vacuum cleaner comes out of its hiding place to antagonize him.

I don’t think Lady Elaine got married, to a black puppet or a white puppet or a purple puppet or any other color puppet. Stop being weird.

Category the Ninth: Ugh, let this GO already, I am not your Facebook GURU

how to know if someone took you off their people you might know on facebook           
people you may know list empty              
when fb asks do you know this person outside on fb what the hell!         
why is he going down the people you may know list  

Who cares if someone removes you from their “people you may know” list. NO ONE EVEN LOOKS AT THAT HARDLY. It’s like background noise. Why are you people so obsessed with this? It doesn’t matter. Do I need to say it in another language? Ça ne fait rien. I can also do Spanish for you. No importa. Or even GERMAN. Das macht nichts. (German wins. Because it, as always, sounds like it’s yelling it at you. As it should be in this case.)

If your “people you may know” list is empty, you are probably dead and dreaming all of this. You’re welcome.

The exclamation point on the end of this makes it for me. Sincerely. WHAT THE HELL! (I actually have to agree with this. Sometimes I’ll accept a friend request from an internet person – who I don’t know outside of Facebook, not really, not in skin-space, anyway, and the real answer to that question is no. Then Facebook apparently puts that person on a watch list or something if I hit no. It’s all an elaborate trick. The only time to hit no is when you want that person blocked from ever sending you a friend request again, and I have used it for that purpose a few times, even if I did know the person. YES, I lied. But for the greater good.)

“Going down” is totally a euphemism here, right? And if you have time to see what ranking the people on your “people you may know” list are at, you have too much free time; please come over and clean my house. Concentrate on the bathroom, if you need an attack plan.

Category the Tenth: MUSIC QUESTIONS!

let’s make everybody nice sweaters and t shirts and teach them how to dance  
we are our own devil and we make this world our hell meaning 

I don’t know that your first quote is exactly right. It’s from the Ingrid Michaelson song “You and I” which I love; it makes me chair-dance every time it comes on. “Oh, let’s get rich and buy our parents homes in the south of France; let’s get rich and give everybody nice sweaters and teach them how to dance…” (There are no teeshirts. I don’t know where you got the teeshirts.) It’s a cute song, and it’s harmless, and it makes me want to find a fella and be silly with him. (Shh, let’s pretend my nemesis Jason Mraz isn’t singing with her in this. MAN but does he annoy me.)

NOW, your second question. That’s a good one. It’s a lyric from “Oscar Wilde” from Company of Thieves, and it’s a bastardization of an actual Oscar Wilde quote (which is one of my Facebook quotes, from back in the day when those used to matter): “I must say to myself that I ruined myself, and that nobody great or small can be ruined except by his own hand…This pitiless indictment I bring without pity against myself. Terrible as was what the world did to me, what I did to myself was far more terrible still.”

See, it’s really just saying, in much fancier terms, we’re all our own worst enemies. Because we are. We spoil things for ourselves all the time. We second-guess ourselves; we tear ourselves down; we are our own devils. And we make this world our hell.

(Also, Company of Thieves? Amazing. If you like “Oscar Wilde,” you should listen to some of their other songs. Try “Won’t Go Quietly.” One of my favorite songs of all time.)

There you go. This post is hellaciously long and dinner’s not going to make itself, my precious pumpkin pies. Have the best weekends; I’m off to see Treat Williams in The Lion in Winter tonight with friend C. This is going to be awkward, because all I’ll be able to think is “Hey, Treat Williams, the very first penis I ever saw was yours, when I watched Hair on late-night PBS when I was 16. It was nice. It made me want to see more of what the world had to offer in way of such things. Thank you, sir, for that.”

See? SO PRETTY.

In related news, I’m pretty damn in love with my reviewing job, in case you hadn’t noticed.

Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.

Love, Me.

(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)