Who knows what evil lurks in the depths of your morning brew?

This isn’t a real post. Well, I suppose it IS, but it’s not. I have half an hour before I have an appointment (day off today, baby! LADY OF LEISURE!) and when I get home will be working on the real post which will go up tomorrow unless I am kidnapped by a Yeti. But you deserve something. It’s a beautiful Friday. Sunshiney and all.

So a couple weeks ago, I was shopping for sj‘s birthday present (Think Geek really is the best for all things awesome, and no, they’re not paying me to say that, but if they WANTED to pay me in, oh, I don’t know, gift cards, I’d take ’em) and saw a present I knew would be perfect for Andreas. Sometimes that happens. I can’t help myself. I see a thing and think of one of my loved ones and it just pops into my cart. I might have a problem. Some people have a problem with impulse-buys; I have a problem with impulse-buys for my friends. (And lately, shoes. What the hell? I’m almost middle-aged, have never cared about shoes in my life, and suddenly have discovered the joy that is well-made, nicely-fitting shoes. AND I CANNOT GET ENOUGH OF THEM. I apologize that I always scoffed at you people and your love of shoes.)

So I bought sj’s presents, but also the present for Andreas, all on-the-sly-like, and mailed it off to the land of Finns without telling him. It was supposed to take two weeks to get there. The lady at the post office was VERY STRICT about this.

It took four days. What the hell, USPS? It took my dad, who is about four hours away, three days to get his Father’s Day present; it took Andreas four days to get his present, and he is on A WHOLE OTHER CONTINENT. I find this suspicious.

Anyway, once he opened it, I was treated to the following on Instagram, which I thought you would all enjoy.

“Enjoying a perfectly innocent-looking cup of cappuccino.”

Enjoying a perfectly innocent-looking cup of cappuccino. @lucysfootball

A post shared by Andreas Heinakroon (@heinakroon) on

“But what’s this? Something is poking out of the coffee!”

But what's this? Something is poking out of the coffee! @lucysfootball

A post shared by Andreas Heinakroon (@heinakroon) on

“Mein Gott im Himmel! Eine kleine Tintenfisch!”

Mein Gott im Himmel! Eine kleine Tintenfisch! @lucysfootball

A post shared by Andreas Heinakroon (@heinakroon) on

Hee! WIN! I bought Andreas this:

It’s an Octopus Surprise Mug! Because he loves octopuses. And also I love surprises.

Time to get my oil changed. I assure you that’s not a euphemism. (Side note: I was up until 2:30am last night because I had to drive to Massachusetts, watch a play, come home, and review that play. I woke up at 9:30 but wasn’t happy about it. Maintenance came to fix my wonky air conditioner at 10-ish. I was in pajamas and my hair looked like I’d slept with a bunch of wolves last night who spent the night playing hairdresser with their paws. And he’s apparently a new maintenance man I didn’t know existed. AND HE IS SUPER-HOT. So the whole time I tried to hide behind the entertainment center and smooth my hair down surreptitiously. AND HE WAS EVEN NICE TO DUMBCAT AND COMPLIMENTED HIM ON HIS STUB TAIL! Oh, good grief, life, why are you trying to kill me.)

Oh, and SIDE NOTE TO THE SIDE NOTE: he didn’t even fix my air conditioner, because randomly last night, it started working again. SIGH. He said to call him again when it’s not working. I will, sir. I WILL. I will call you and you can bet I won’t be wearing ripped jogging shorts and a stretched-out teeshirt NEXT time. Rawr. (I’m exaggerating. I don’t even own anything that’s more dressy than that.)

Happy Friday, all. And hey, Andreas? You’re the best. Most sincerely. Don’t know what I’d do without you. So stick around, you. OK? Good. Glad we’ve settled that.

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

32 responses to “Who knows what evil lurks in the depths of your morning brew?

  • Jim W

    1) I feel like if you pour your own coffee it’s probably only surprising if you do that while not looking INTO the mug while pouring. Also, I would feel bad about bashing the shit out of my surprise octopus’s skull with the spoon while stirring in my cream and sugar.

    2) When you say “that’s not a euphemism” you are magically transforming it into one as the reader is then forced to imagine ways in which you could POSSIBLY be creating a sex analogy. This is duplicitous. I like it.

    3) Have some 70’s bow chicka wow wow music set to play when the maintenance man comes back.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I’m totally euphemism-duplicitous.

      I think it’s probably to surprise others, but since Andreas loves octopuses, maybe it’s more of a delight-mug than a surprise-mug?

      Hmm. My neighbor listens to a lot of Barry White. I should borrow some of his CDs for my next maintenance call.

      Like

  • grrgoyl

    my hair looked like I’d slept with a bunch of wolves last night who spent the night playing hairdresser with their paws

    This image will make me laugh long after I close this page.

    Like

  • Ashley Austrew

    I love that mug!! And I love that you randomly buy presents for people. So thoughtful and sweet.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I love my people. It’s a true statement. And I love buying presents for people, because it makes them so happy and then they email me all WHAT IS THIS? and I grin and grin.

      Isn’t that mug the best? I love it so much!

      Like

  • Corvidae in the Fields

    If you don’t have a silk bathrobe, you may want to think about it.

    *Door Bell*

    Maintenance Guy (MG): I hear your A/C is broke again?
    Amy: (leaning on the door frame in a sultry manner) Why, yes, it has. I’ve been… (rubs glass of ice water slowly on forehead)… so hot for a long time now. Would you be able to help me cool off?
    MG: My pleasure, I aim to please.

    Like

    • Samantha

      I heart this comment so much.

      Like

    • lucysfootball

      I have a terrycloth bathrobe that’s stained with hairdye from like 15 years ago when I used to care about such things. How sultry is that, on a scale of negative-boner to take-me-now-big-poppa?

      Also, am I starring in a porn? I’m gonna need a bigger airbrush.

      Like

      • Corvidae in the Fields

        You’re not slated for a porn flick? I thought that’s where this was going.

        You might need to accessorize. I could see the following equation working out:

        Terrycloth Bathrobe + Fuzzy Bear Slippers + Hair Curlers = Irresistible!

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          I suppose there’s an audience for every sort of porn, but I can’t even begin to imagine who’d be the audience for the kind of porn I’d star in. I don’t even WANT to imagine.

          Hmm. I do have curlers. I don’t have fuzzy bear slippers but I do have shoes with flowers on the toes. Guess those will have to do.

          Like

  • becomingcliche

    You are the best surprise-gift buyer. The BEST!

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Thank you again for the Tintenfisch mug! And for this lovely post! And I’ll try not to work out how an oil change could be a sexual reference. Because I’m a gentleman.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      You are a gentleman. One of my favorite ones.

      You are the most welcome. You’re one of my favorite people to buy surprises for, because you’re always so pleased to receive them, and you barely ever scold me for spending money on them. Well, a little. But not that much. I like that about you.

      The word “Tintenfisch” is a very, VERY good word.

      Like

  • Gigi

    Well, here I was – just going to thank you for your apology to us shoe lovers and welcome you into our ranks and all of a sudden, I’m surrounded by porn. ;-)

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Ha! I know. That porn. It’s insidious. It just creeeeeps on in.

      THE SHOES HAVE STOLEN MY SOUL! I have sincerely bought 5 pairs of expensive shoes over a two-week span. And I LOVE them. They’re so comfortable! And they’re SO DAMN CUTE!

      Like

  • The Waiting

    That is an amazing mug! You are a good friend ;D I love buying stuff for people too. Confession: I basically had a kid so I could buy her stuff forevermore.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I love my people. It’s true. I never thought I’d have any, so I’m making up for lost time by spoiling them rotten whenever applicable. :)

      My nephew has gotten a LOT of presents from me. It’s way too much fun to buy things for kids. Their little faces! So much excitement!

      Like

  • poetlandia

    Tintenfisch!

    I woke up with wolf hair! they’re everywhere!

    I vote for a cool pair of pjs by someone like Betsy whatshername.

    Shoes!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I do need new pjs. Mine are far from cute. Or even in cute’s extended family. They’re just clothes that don’t fit anymore, repurposed as sleepwear.

      SO MANY SHOES! I rediscovered an old love. Sierra Trading Post. Insane prices, insane sales, and brand-name shoes. AM IN LOVE!

      Like

  • franhunne4u

    Oh, Amy, though you don’t know me, you and I are soooo alike – in one or two things you just mentioned in this post and the comments (stop panicking, we are still a lot more different):
    One thing we do have in common – no, two, no, three things:
    Love to give, the desire for the receiver to enjoy and not complain about being given and finding gifts, perfect for our beloved ones, all the time.
    And the fourth is:
    If the maintenance man came to my flat/appartement he would totally see — nothing. I don’t even have air conditioning :P And I am a woman in my “invisible years” – and it takes a lot of invisibility to NOT see me.

    Like

  • Madame Weebles

    ThinkGeek is the awesome. I may have to get that octopus mug, it’s just too fantastic. Isn’t it great when you see something and you think OH MY GOD I HAVE TO GET THIS FOR SO-AND-SO? Because it has that person’s name on it, you have no choice.

    I too have experienced postal bizarrity. Sending something to a friend in Maryland took 5 days, and sending something to England took 4 days. What??

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I almost bought myself a billion things on Think Geek and said NO NO NO AMY YOU ARE NOT SHOPPING FOR YOU!

      The post office is confusing and I have no idea how it can get things to Finland so QUICKLY! It’s like they own a magic wormhole or something.

      Like

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