Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:
Here we are in June, jellybeans! And here in the Capital District, we’re in the middle of a heat wave. Three days in the 90s. THREE DAYS. It’s kind of the most disgusting, I’m not going to lie. Supposed to cool down tomorrow (well, your today, I suppose) but not much. Cooling down to the 80s is barely a cooldown. Oh, summer. Why do you have to be so HOT? Pant pant pant. I’m already dreaming of autumn and my cool breezes and my crisp evenings. Hurry on up, autumn!
So, just in case you’re new, let me catch you up on this recurring post. I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (this is the twenty-fourth one. Yes. I know. Two full years of these things. Some might say madness; some might say genius. Me, I say “onomatopoeia.” It’s just a really pretty word, isn’t it? If you’re interested, search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? Oh, I don’t know. Mostly shits and giggles, to be honest. It’s why I do most things. Either shits, or giggles.
So I’m going to break you down into categories and address you in groups. Oh, by this time you know to expect that, don’t even make fake-shock-face. No one likes a liar. Also, I know usually I do a questiony-post tomorrow? Not doin’ it this month, darlings. Why? Didn’t get enough questions. Where are you going to get your questions answered, I wonder? It’s like you’re cheating on me with the milkman. Are you cheating on me with the milkman? Backup question: is there still a milkman?
So here we go. Two days of…well, I’d say hilarity, but I’ll have to leave that up to you. I don’t like to assume. Because it makes an ass out of you AND me. And it’s rude to make an ass out of your readers, you know? No wonder you’re all cheating on me with the milkman.
Category the First: Famous people
“donnie wahlberg” and “lucy van pelt”
“eli roth” “turkey sex”
gps zak bagans
naveen andrews regrets porn
sigourney weaver in stirrup pants outfits
was marlin perkins gay
Wow, these are random. RAN. DOM. You guys are on top of your game this month, yeah? OK. I don’t know what Donnie Wahlberg has to do with Lucy Van Pelt; the entire thing is confusing to me. All I can think of is, at some point, was he in You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown or something? I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU.
Eli Roth is a weirdo, so I’m sure, at some point, he either was involved in, or filmed, turkey sex. However, for such a weirdo, I am SO ATTRACTED TO HIM. Something about his dark gloweriness. Seriously, was he not the hotness in Inglourious Basterds? I was swoonier over him than I was over Brad Pitt. (Honestly, and I know this will blow your mind, Brad Pitt doesn’t do it for me. I know he’s pretty, I can see the prettiness, and I think he’s a very talented actor, but he’s not even on my shortlist of the hottest actors in the land. You can tell me I’m broken. I don’t mind.)
Do you want to stalk Zak Bagans with a GPS, or know if he has one? Either way, I can’t help you, and I have it on good authority from someone I know that he’s a douche in real life. You’re totally welcome, we solved THAT mystery.
Naveen Andrews was in a porn? Good grief. That poor guy. No one watch that. I like him. Leave him alone. Don’t look at his wang. And of course he regrets it. How many people look back on their past porn history and are all, “Man! That was really a rockin’ career move!”
OMG, Sigourney Weaver in stirrup pants outfits. MULTIPLE stirrup pants outfits! Man, you totally have a stirrup pant fetish. You must have been so sad when the 80s up and left us, right? You would have loved young-Amy. She had quite a collection of stirrup pants. I believe one pair was even CREAM-COLORED. I know, it’s completely allowed to be jealous of my fashion sense.
Listen, I have no idea if Marlin Perkins was gay. Was he humping a man on the teevee when you were a kid? No? THEN MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS NOSY. Marlin Perkins brought animals into my living room when I was little; I therefore love Marlin Perkins. And that is the end of that. (Also, this “is he or isn’t he” nonsense makes me insane. Keep your eyes on your own paper, Charlie, and when the chips are down, maybe someone will keep their eyes on their paper when it’s your personal business on the line.)
Category the Second: Thanks! We do? That’s…thanks! I think!
today we have the same time zone love you
This is either really flattering or really creepy. I don’t know which. When do I have the same time zone as anyone? I know when the time changes, I’m an hour closer to Andreas for a few weeks. But we’re never in the SAME time zone. But…um…love you, too? I guess? Please don’t wear my skin like a woman-suit.
Category the Third: SJ YOU ARE FAMOUS!
I like that you came HERE to look for sj. When you could have gone to her blog and looked for her there. But I will help you! Here is the link to the Zombiecorn writing contest. You have five more days to enter. FIVE! MORE! DAYS! I won’t tell you how many entries we’ve had so far or anything, but you only have five more days, so ENTER ENTER ENTER! You could totally win THIS ZOMBIECORN! (Edited to add: sj informed me, quite rightly, the reason this person ended up here is because they spelled Zombiecorn MY WAY, eith the e in the middle, and not her way, without the e. She’s a smart cookie, that sj. One of the million reasons I keep her around.)
Category the Fourth: I WON’T! (Do you know where he is? Follow-up question, do you know WHO he is?)
dont waste another minute without your lover
Not even another minute! NOT! EVEN! ONE! This is very good advice. I will totally live by it.
Now to find my lover. Hmm. Where could he be. Dumbcat? Have you seen my lover?
He has not. He is honestly confused by the question, as lovers aren’t a type of person that pass through this place. TRUE STORY: once, an ex-lover came over for what he THOUGHT was a booty-call when I’d first gotten Dumbcat. Dumbcat took one look at this guy and hid under the rocking recliner I had at the time so it looked like it was rocking on its own and it was haunted. So this guy was all, “Hey, baby, I know I haven’t seen you in like, six months, but how about you and I mm-hmm yeah, you know?” and I was like, “Are you serious right now?” and he kept looking nervously at the haunted rocking recliner and he was TRYING to be suave, all, “Aw, don’t be like that baby, you’re not going to invite me in? Really? Why you gotta be stone cold like that?” and I was like, “I cannot BELIEVE I took my clothes off at one point in my life with someone who uses ‘stone cold’ as if it’s normal” and he JUST KEPT EYEBALLING THE RECLINER and finally he was all “FINE! BE THAT WAY!” and stormed off as if I was going to chase him and I locked the door and looked at the haunted recliner and laughed until I almost peed my pants.
So Dumbcat would not like if lovers came over, I don’t think.
Unless you bring him cat treats, because he is easily bribed. Damn him. Also he likes to be scratched right above his stub-tail until he gets so happy he sticks his tongue out in the air in glee. I don’t know. It’s a Dumbcat-thing.
Category the Fifth: Hee!
how old do squirrels leave the mummies
Apology snacks! I totally want apology snacks. That is a very good thing to apologize with. Do you need to apologize to me? Then BRING ME SOME SNACKS! I really like those wasabi almonds. Those things are GOOD. Bring me those. I might forgive you. Or I might keep saying I don’t forgive you so you bring me more wasabi almonds.
I have to tell you, I read that second search term and was all, “SQUIRREL MUMMIES! OMG, like the most adorable precious mummies!” then realized it was probably either a child or a British person asking a very serious question and I don’t know the answer but I felt bad laughing at you so I looked it up and it’s at 8-12 weeks old, when they are fully-furred and able to live without their mother. Sorry for laughing at you. Don’t tell your mummy on me. HEE MUMMY!
Category the Sixth: A thing it really worries me that brought you here
Well. What exactly do you mean by this, I have to ask? And why did it bring you HERE? I am totally miffed. Miffed and also PEEVED. Maybe YOU are the one with the bad writing with your lack of capitalization…and…NOW YOU HAVE MADE ME CRY I HOPE YOU ARE HAPPY. Now I need to get a tissue and a snack. Where are my apology almonds.
Category the Seventh: Aw, cherry tart. I’m sorry.
being the funny guy is lonely
these fuckers will forever haunt my childhood
Being the funny guy is lonely? Really? That makes me sad. Maybe you could concentrate a little less on the funny and a little more on the relating-to-people AND being funny? I don’t know what to tell you. I know a lot of funny people – I tend to gravitate to two types of people, intelligent people and funny people, and even better if they’re both – and I don’t notice that they’re lonely. But I guess if they are, I’m sorry I didn’t notice the tears of the clown, you guys.
I get the haunting of the childhood. I really do. And I don’t have a fix for you. I wish I did. Mostly I tend to try to leave mine there – in the past. Do they come back and howl at me once and a while? Yep. They totally do. But I tell myself I am an adult now, and that I don’t have to listen to them, and also that I’m happy now, and I’m loved, and I’m safe. So, yeah. I get it. And I’m sorry. I wish I could fly around all Superman-style and wipe those little shits off the face of the earth for you. I really do.
OK, we’re going to stop there for the day. Tomorrow, we have all manner of more craziness. I won’t even spoil it, but I can assure you some of it totally made me giggle. And some of it made me snort-laugh.
Until…well, tomorrow, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.
(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)