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Royal Rumpus, Day Five: Selling crazy somewhere else and what, exactly, I’ll do for pageviews. No, not that. Ew.

Well, we made it to the weekend. We ALSO made it to the LAST THREE DAYS OF BLOGGIVERSARY WEEK! Whew, home stretch now, kiddos. Deep breaths. Deeeeep breaths.

I am very pleased with the weekend ahead of me. No part-time job; wedding shower for friend K. tomorrow; shopping and writing and reading and staying up late and sleeping in and television-watching and all good things. It’s my last full weekend off until the end of July so I’m living it up, baby. Also, I’m totally going to buy some cute shoes. LIKE A GIRL. But they will have no heel and be practical. LIKE A GROWN-ASS WOMAN. I’m an enigma. Don’t try to pin me down!

This is the type of shoe I favor from April to October every year, pretty much. Practical yet cute. Yep. That's me.

This is the type of shoe I favor from April to October every year, pretty much. Practical yet cute. Yep. That’s me.

(Side note: when I told Dad I was going shoe-shopping, he said, in a horrified tone, “You’ll be sure they’re not SLIPPERY shoes, right?” “What are you implying, beloved father?” I asked him. “Um. Just that…well, you in shoes that are slippery…could be catastrophic…because of falling…” “I’m a walking disaster zone. Just say it,” I said. “Well. Maybe a little,” Dad conceded. I assured him that every pair of shoes I’d ever purchased in the past ten years, no matter how cute and girly on top, had very practical rubbery/sneakery soles. “That’s smart,” Dad said. “Yes. I know my limitations,” I replied.)

So, what shall we talk about today? What sarcastic wisdom shall I pass down to you, oh readers of the Football?

Today, gleaned from two years of blogging goodness, let’s talk about…

Here Be Crazies

And also dragons. Also maybe dragons. One can never tell, on the interwebs.

And also dragons. Also maybe dragons. One can never tell, on the interwebs.

OK, you know how old people are all, “You’d never catch me on the intertubes. Because of the crazymurderers. That’s where the crazymurderers hang out. They would stab you in the eyeball if you talked to them.” (It doesn’t have to be crazymurderers. It could also be sexmurderers or pornomurders or stabmurderers. It’s usually something velcroed to “murderers,” though.)

Well, I’m happy to report I have not yet met a stab/crazy/sex/pornomurderer yet on the interweb. I think that might be a little old-person overkill. Just a little. Plus it doesn’t help that there are all those Dateline and 20/20 episodes about people being sex-trolled or killed by internet denizens. Old people get scared by such things. (Hell, *I* get scared by such things, if I watch them right before bed. I always imagine there’s a stabmurderer in my closet. *shudder* It’s mostly the announcer’s voices that get to me. They’re all rumbly bass and creepy as shit like a horror movie.)

However, there are a lot of people on the internet. And, just like in real life, some of those people you’re going to connect with, some of those people you’re not going to connect with, and some of those people are…um. Well, some of those people have…what I would nicely describe as a tenuous grip on reality.

Hi. Hi. HI. HI HI HI HI HI LOVE ME LOVE ME HI HI HI HIIIIII!I!I1

But here’s the thing. THEY don’t think they’re holding onto reality by finger- and toenails. They think they’re FINE. And when you don’t engage with their particular brand of…whatever it is they’re doing…they don’t take the rejection well. No, not well at all.

I’m not going to go into personal detail, because a., that’s tacky, and b., I know for a fact that some of these people still read my blog and make passive-aggressive comments about me elsewhere. And you know what? Cool. That’s cool. If that helps you sleep at night, go to. I know I sleep better at night knowing I no longer engage with your particular brand of lunacy all up in my face on a regular basis; so if for whatever reason you feel the need to blast about me on the internet, have at it. Once and a while I see these things and I have a momentary flash of “I SHOULD DEFEND MYSELF!” but it passes. Because hanging onto that for this long…well, it’s not healthy. But you know what? It’s cool. I can’t say I wish you well, but I can say I wish you to get well.

As a blogger, you put yourself out there. You make friends. That’s the good part. You make honest, true friends. Real friends. People who would, at a moment’s notice, go to the mat for you. Without a second thought. I’ve been humbled time and again by the selfless actions of some of my friends I’ve met through blogging. You also build a community – maybe not close friends, but allies. Like-minded individuals. The crazy people are few and far between. And you meet them in real life, too. It’s just on the internet, they’re a little more concentrated. And they don’t seem to know when to stop.

They seem to have a little Bachmann-crazy going on. Very avid. Worrisome.

They seem to have a little Bachmann-crazy going on. Very avid. Worrisome.

Andreas and I talked about this when we met in New York in March. Up until that point, we had both been just internet people, you know? Albeit very close internet people. We discussed the craziness on the interwebs, as we know some of the same people. “People are very lonely,” Andreas said, very wisely. “And they don’t know how to relate to people. And they don’t realize how they’re coming across. I mean, we’re all a little weird. But some people are a little…well, MORE weird.”

(Andreas has the best advice and/or observations, seriously. He’s my go-to when I need someone to set me straight on something. Well, let’s be honest, he’s my go-to for just about everything, because he’s one of my dearest friends in all the world. But when it comes to advice, he’s pretty unparalleled.)

It all boils down to this. You’ll relate to some people you meet online; you won’t relate to others. You cannot take this shit personally. Unless they start making it personal, of course – trolling you, threatening you, being way too personal and/or creepy with you – anything that makes you feel uncomfortable – none of that is ok, and of course that’s personal. If it’s a low-grade annoyance, just cut it off and let it go. If it’s a bigger scale thing – well, still cut it off. Still let it go. Do it as well as you can. The other person is not likely to take it well; that’s a risk you run. However, it’s either that, or that person is in your life, well, forever, and maybe you can be BFFs for LIFE with this person, which I think you can agree is not the best option? So it’s best to end it, whatever way you need to do that. Just try to be classy, if you can? Classiness is best. Always. Except for when you’re eating ribs. Then it’s every woman for herself.

Om nom nom.

Om nom nom.

(Also, and this might be just me, but if you hurt one of my friends, you’re pretty much dead to me. I just want to put that out there. My friends are very important to me, and I’m very loyal to them. If you aren’t careful with their heart? I no longer want to know you. Sorry. There are, of course, exceptions to that rule; if I’m friends with members of a couple separately before they get together, and they break up, I could potentially stay friends with them both after the breakup. But those exceptions are few and far between. So be as careful with my friends’ hearts as you are with mine, current and potential friends. Warning delivered.)

And of course watch out for the stabmurderers in your closet, because what a way to go that’d be, right?

OK, let’s see. THIRD-most popular post on the Football, here, over the past two years. This one was where I did something PERSONALLY PAINFUL for HUMOROUS RESULTS. No, not the time I blogged about going to see the gynecologist. Although that was not funtimes, either, for me OR my ladybits.

So! The THIRD-MOST POPULAR POST…

…over the past two years…

…with 884 hits in the past little-less-than-a-year…

Yep, you got it. It is “Truly, I am a marionette, and he is a master puppeteer.”

OMG THIS IS A THING MY EYES MY EYEEEESSSSS

OMG THIS IS A THING MY EYES MY EYEEEESSSSS

I totally suffered through the first book in the 50 Shades trilogy for you guys. And look, apparently it was ALL WORTH IT! It’s ALL FOR THE INTERNETTY LOVE, BABY!

(Yet, not enough to read the other two books. Sorry, guys, apparently I’m slightly masochistic, but not masochistic enough to force myself through two more books of that garbage.)

Apparently, this post made you guys laugh. A lot. And I do so like to make you laugh. So, thanks for that. It made suffering through “arghs” and inner goddess monologues and “laters, baby” totally worth it.

Well, mostly.

Back tomorrow. What WILL our top two posts be? Are you totally on pins and needles here? If so, get off those, you’ll get tetanus. Happy Saturday, my little cheese doodles.

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

18 responses to “Royal Rumpus, Day Five: Selling crazy somewhere else and what, exactly, I’ll do for pageviews. No, not that. Ew.

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Aw, you make me sound like some kind of guru. As you very well know I’m anything but.

    It is, however, very good being able to say things like: “Yes, we talked about that in New York.” (Oh, side track: I was watching children’s telly with Little Girl this morning and Penguins of Madagascar was on. As I was casually glancing, I noticed that things seemed vaguely familiar. Those brick walls. That ornate gate. The pond in the middle. And then it hit me; I’d been there. It was the Central Park Zoo. You and I were there – watching penguins, as it happened – only a few months ago. How cool is that?) Wouldn’t mind going back to New York one day. Preferably with the family, when the kids are a little older.

    Oh, and by the by: when you get to number one, I’ll look up which is the most popular post on my blog. For comparison, like. Wouldn’t surprise me if it contained women with sideburns… But we’ll see.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      You’re kind of my guru. You’re also my friend, and I love you dearly, but when it comes to advice, you’re one of the people I trust most in the world. You don’t let emotions clog up your advice-giving. You think about all sides of a problem before you say what you think. I really appreciate that. I don’t know if I’ve told you that, so I’m telling you now.

      It IS nice to say that! It makes us sound very worldly, doesn’t it? And it always makes me smile. And look forward to the next time we can say it. Which will be “Oh, yes, we talked about that in Finland!”

      What’s “Penguins of Madagascar?” Is it a cartoon? Aw, that is VERY cool! I love that it reminded you of our trip to the zoo!

      You WILL come back to New York someday. We have so many more things to see and do! We barely scratched the surface! And I’d love to show your family around, too!

      Oh, you and your searchers for women with sideburns! Why do we get such weird searchers? I’m excited to see what your #1 is. I love that stats page. I only look at it once a year so it’s a surprise to me!

      Like

  • sj

    I had things to say about the crazies, but lost my train of thought when I got to the 50 Shades nonsense.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Hee! I hope you remember what you had to say about the crazies. But I understand. “50 Shades” tends to suck all literate thought out of our heads because it’s the worst and was clearly written by Karen’s husband.

      Like

  • grrgoyl

    Forgive me as I’m relatively new here, but I’d love to know how you find some of the images you post. Like, obvs Bachmann is going to come up on a search for “crazy eyes,” but the clingy girl on the airplane? (? Looks like an airplane seat) If you ever read Cracked, your photo posts remind me very much of theirs, and that’s a good thing because the captions they write make me laugh and laugh and laugh.

    (Also, with Michele not running again, I hope to see her gradually fade from the internets. I’ve had more than enough of them crazy eyes.)

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Hee! I have a VERY scientific process. I search a random term for what I want and pick the funniest/best photo. (I think I searched “crazy person” for the crazy girl photo.) Then I pick whatever one doesn’t seem to belong to anyone because I don’t like to steal.

      Oh, I wish I was as funny as Cracked. They win. Well, usually. Sometimes they misstep, but everyone does, I suppose.

      I would be happy for Michelle to fade away, but I do like those crazy eyes. I like to pinpoint when someone’s political career died. For McCain, it was that war whoop. For Palin, it was Tina Fey’s impression of her on “Saturday Night Live.” For Romney, it was when he was secretly videotaped at that very expensive dinner talking smack about the poor. And for Bachmann, it was crazy eyes. It doesn’t take much for the public to stop trusting you. I find that fascinating.

      Like

  • becomingcliche

    I’m totally on pins and needles! Top post, right now!

    Like

  • poetlandia

    I find it super odd that people would talk badly about someone else, who they don’t know, who is on the internet. I mean, I get talking about your crazy ex and saying “Peeps, so cray-cray.” and using their initial and they will never know. But a stranger? I don’t get it.

    50 shades: gack. I still haven’t read it. I probably have you to thank for that.

    Thank you.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I think maybe (just a guess) people get over-invested in bloggers, like they would in any celebrity – they think they know them, that they have a stake in them, and possibly that they own them a little. It’s a betrayal when that person doesn’t immediately love them as much as they feel they should, or, heavens forfend, rejects them outright.

      I don’t get it, either, honestly. I’ve never felt betrayed by a stranger. By people I love, yes. Of course. Once someone has my heart, that’s a precarious position, you know? They can keep it safe, or they can throw it away. But a stranger? I’m not invested enough in strangers to let it effect me that much. And I can’t allow myself to love everyone. There’s only so much of my heart to go around.

      Yes. I think it’s just best you stay away from “50 Shades.” There’s nothing for you there. Nothing but terrible writing that will make you ill.

      Like

      • poetlandia

        I think this is part of the world gone mad stuff. We seem to be having boundary issues. As a people. (Not you and me personally, just people. In general.)

        I never thought I’d say it, but I miss the ’90s. And now I sound a hundred years old. There was no 50 Shades in the ’90s. For instance. Of course, there isn’t for me in the teens, either, as I’m taking your advice.

        (And I think you have a big enough heart to go around plenty. It’s just that people need to be the right fit – I hope you get what I mean by this. And there’s nothing wrong with that. I’ve known many amazing people. But they weren’t all meant for in-my-heart. They had other people, whose hearts they were meant for.)

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          Yes. I totally agree. Boundary issues are a problem. People don’t know where they end and others begin. I know I’ve been (and probably will be again) guilty of this in the past, but I’m very cautious of it, so I hope it’s not something I’m doing too much.

          I miss things about a lot of times I’ve lived through, but I don’t know if I could live without the internet or my phone, so I think I’ll stick with the teens. Even though the teens need to shape up. SHAPE UP, TEENS!

          Aw, thank you. And yes, I do know what you mean. I think I just need the distance that time gives to realize that the people belonged elsewhere, as did I.

          Like

  • Charleen

    I haven’t had any dealings with the crazies, but I’m very wary of becoming one myself. See, the internet feels a lot like school to me, in that there are a lot of people out there who I’d like to be friends with, but they’re just not interested in being friends with me. To be fair, I’ve been on the other side of that too (in real life, not on the internet… that I’m aware of…), so I know how awkward it is. But that just makes me all the more cautious of becoming “that girl.”

    I think that’s why it took me so long to even start commenting on blogs. I was a lurker for years because I felt like commenting was the internet equivalent of trying to sit at the cool kids table in the cafeteria, only to be ignored (or worse).

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I think you’re ok. And how do you know they’re not interested in being friends with you? If they’re rude, screw ’em. You don’t want to be friends with them anyway.

      It is a fine line. I know. I was weird and pushy when I started on Twitter because I didn’t realize the etiquette. It gets way too easy to tweet people who’ve talked to you a couple of times CONSTANTLY and think “NEW BFF!” and then be so befuddled when they freak out and stop replying. I’ve learned. I think. I hope. (Well, I know I have, because I barely use Twitter anymore. So I’m pretty sure no one’s going to accuse me of overuse.)

      I comment on blogs when I’m moved to do so, now. If I like a post, if I think there’s something I have to say of import (or something humorous to add) or even if I just want the writer to know how good the post was, I’ll comment. If not, I’ll read, maybe hit the like button. But I have almost 200 blogs in my reader, and I can’t comment on them all. I’m sure there are a lot of people who aren’t even aware I’m reading their blogs, because I’m sneaky like that. And quiet.

      Like

      • Charleen

        It’s not even rudeness so much as it is realizing that most of your “friends” are really just “acquaintances,” and that they’re a bigger part of your life than you are of theirs.

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          I’m sorry. That’s tough. Online friends, you mean, I’m guessing? It’s hard – so much of our interactions are easily misinterpreted, or the tone is a little off, or one little thing gets said and read the wrong way and it changes the whole relationship – it’s just a total tightrope walk, an online relationship, especially in the early stages. It’s something that has to be taken carefully, which makes you even MORE nervous, and then I know when I’m nervous I make stupid mistakes and…urgh. Yeah. I know. I’m sorry.

          Like

          • Charleen

            Actually it’s happened to me more in real life.

            The internet… I don’t know, I feel more comfortable here (now that I’ve gotten used to it) because if I do make a misstep and the friendship falls apart… well, whatever. Not to brush off online relationships as “not real,” because once you reach that certain point with someone it really doesn’t matter if you’ve ever met them or not.

            But, assuming you screw up before getting to that point, it’s still not the same as school, or work, or whatever real-life setting, where you have to continue to interact… despite your embarrassing lack of social skills. I guess blogger communities are similar, where you keep seeing the same people on different blogs, it’s not like I can just snip someone out of my online life without removing myself from that whole community… but it’s still not quite the same, and not quite as awkward… or maybe I only think that because it’s never happened to me yet.

            But, whether I’m right or wrong, I think having the “well, whatever” attitude helps me to NOT make those awkward missteps in the first place, the way I would in real life.

            Like

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