Kind-of-Sort-of-Ask-Lucy a.k.a. I CAN ANSWER THAT! (Volume 14)

Howdy, Footballians! I bet you knew this was coming. I’m pretty predictable like that. I’m like one of those people who walks the same path over and over until they wear a tread in the carpet. You can always count on me, yo.

So, in case you don’t remember, or are new here, here’s a quick rundown of what’s happening. I know, some of you are all SIGH SIGH AMY, we KNOW what is happening! But some of you don’t know. Be nice to the new people. You were new once, too, you know. With your big scared eyes and tentative comments.

Because the search terms posts tend to be insanely long, I break them up into two posts: an open letter to people who find my blog accidentally and a post with just the QUESTIONS that drive people to my blog. And I answer those questions to the best of my ability, and I give advice, some of which is more serious than the rest. And we have such a hot time in the old town, don’t we? I mean, if by “hot” you mean we talk about foolishness and by “old town” you mean the interwebs. And I do. Mean those things.

So, yet again! 

Welcome to…  

Kind-of-sort-of Ask Lucy.  

Subtitled: I CAN ANSWER THAT!  

These are all ACTUAL SEARCH TERMS that brought people to my blog. So these people totally need my help, obviously, because they came to Google SEARCHING FOR HELP. And they obviously didn’t find it, because they ended up here. But I can’t just leave ’em hanging, now can I? What kind of person would do that to people who are so obviously lost and sad and questiony?

did anyone buy truecompanion sexdoll Well, I would assume some people must have. Or the company would have folded by now. Hee! Folded, get it, because you can fold those dolls up and put them in a pillowcase for travel? No? Anyone? Sigh. ANYWAY. Yeah, I think probably some people bought this ill-advised creepy-ass sex doll. But I also don’t think they’re going to be blogging about it or taking photos of themselves with it and reviewing what a good time they had with it on Yelp or whatever. Because do you really want people to know you spent like a year’s rent on a sex doll that looks like a broken department-store mannequin? You’re welcome, please don’t buy a sex doll. You can do better.

Do you want to come home to this thing? You don't. Right? Seriously, it's terrifying.

Do you want to come home to this thing? You don’t. Right? Seriously, it’s terrifying.

girlfriend broke up with me over a prank why how Aw, “why how.” Well, I would think “why” is because you pulled a prank on your girlfriend, and pranks are a dick move. “How?” Well, I think it was easy enough: she said, “hit the road, Jack, you and your prankiness are no longer welcome in my special people’s club.” My advice? Don’t play pranks on your ladyfriends. Pranks are never funny. I know some people think they are? Those people are wrong. Pranks are just a way for one person to make another person feel small and stupid. Do you really want to make the person you love feel small and stupid? I would think not. You’re welcome, now you know better for next time, so don’t be an asshat.

how can i get my canary to stand on my hand I don’t know. I’m not an animal trainer. Also, I don’t think canaries are the best birds to use for training purposes. They’re not the brightest birds. Parakeets are smarter. The parakeet that lived where I used to work would sit on your hand. He loved it when he sat on your finger and then you’d bring your hand up high and bring it down quickly. He would flutter his wings and squawk with happiness and then give you kisses with his beak. He was by far my favorite bird of all times. This does not answer your question. I guess I’d advise handling your bird a lot (not a euphemism) until it gets used to you, and then it would be more likely to sit on your hand after a while? Or get a parakeet. Or a kitten. Kittens would totally sit in your hand. You’re welcome, good luck, I guess.

I don't want to stand on your hand. Stop being so pushy.

I don’t want to stand on your hand. Stop being so pushy.

how to dye a weimaraner pink What the hell? Why would you want to do such a thing? Weimeraners are beautiful! Just the way they are! You don’t want them to be pink! NO DYING ANIMALS COLORS THEY ARE NOT MEANT TO BE! I mean it, if I see a pink weimeraner walking around all sad-faced, I’m going to walk up and kick you in the shins twice and take your dog away and bring it to a home that loves and appreciates it, i.e., my home. You’re welcome, don’t do animal cruelty.

Why you wanna dye me pink, yo? Aren't I pretty enough the way I am?

Why you wanna dye me pink, yo? Aren’t I pretty enough the way I am?

i accidentally friended many people i don’t know on facebook, how do i cancel all my friend requests What the hell? How did you “accidentally” friend “many” people you don’t know? I don’t even know how you accidentally friend ONE person, let alone MANY people. I think you can cancel friend requests somewhere on the person’s page, but I can’t double-check that because I don’t have any pending friend requests. I don’t friend-request many people. Mostly because I hate humans, but you know, that’s me. ANYWAY. I guess you could wait for them to accept your requests and then unfriend them immediately, but you’re going to look like a weirdo. Or, if you don’t know them, they probably just won’t accept your requests anyway, so you’re ok. You’re welcome, be more careful about what you click on over on the Book of Faces, my little gumdrop.

what are the rules for when you’ve accidentally opened a letter OK, wait wait wait. How do you “accidentally” open a letter? At work I open a great deal of mail, and sometimes I don’t read who it’s for (because most of the mail I get is for my department) and sometimes a letter for another department slips in and I open it and when I take the letter out I’m all WTF? This isn’t for me. And I bring it to the person it belongs to. So that’s KIND of like accidentally opening mail, I suppose. What are the “rules?” Say you’re sorry and give it to the person it belongs to? I don’t think you’re going to jail or anything, if that’s what you’re asking. You ACCIDENTALLY opened the letter. Give it back, apologize, move on with your day. You’re welcome, stop freaking out about nonsense.

semicolon tattoo meaning in french I would think it means the same thing as it does in English? That you either really love typography, or punctuation, or semicolons? Or do you want to know how to say semicolon IN French? It’s “point-virgule,” according to Google translate. Your question confuses, my Francophile friend. You’re welcome! De rien!       

Ooh, I like the placement of this. Teeny and delicate but kickass. I totally approve.

Ooh, I like the placement of this. Teeny and delicate but kickass. I totally approve.

what is the most whimsical color Aw, I like this one! The most WHIMSICAL color. I vote for periwinkle. Both for the color and the name. I’m open to other suggestions, though, if anyone wants to chime in. You’re welcome! Best of luck with your whimsical paint-job or whatever the hell you need this info for!

Aw, I miss crayons so much. I need to be a kid again for a day, I think.

Aw, I miss crayons so much. I need to be a kid again for a day, I think.

what does nutella taste like unicorn OK, whoa, this made me snort-laugh. The first part is simple enough (if not confusing) but then you went and tacked on “unicorn” at the end and that made me laugh and laugh. Nutella tastes like chocolate frosting, but a little runnier/stickier, with a slight hazelnut taste. I don’t know how to answer your unicorn question. Is it how Nutella would taste TO a unicorn? Probably the same, only more awesome, as unicorns are filled with magical rainbows. Do yourself a favor and go out and get some Nutella. You’ll thank me. You’re welcome, searcher of truth…and unicorns.    

Ah, so THIS is what you were looking for. This starts out fine and then gets sexist and disgusting, so you're gross, and I hate you now.

Ah, so THIS is what you were looking for. This starts out fine and then gets sexist and disgusting, so you’re gross, and I hate you now.

what does throw your fear into the air mean I’m…not really sure, to be honest. Did you just make it up? There’s “throw your hands in the air,” but I don’t think anyone throws their FEAR in the air. It sounds like foolish New Age nonsense to me. Whatever works for you, though, I guess. It’s always best to jettison your fears. Except don’t get rid of your fears that are important, like you need your fear of falling off of cliffs, or diving into deep water if you don’t know how to swim, or of venomous snakes. But if your fear is something silly, like bluebirds or pine trees, throw that fear all up in the air. TOSS IT ON UP THERE. You’re welcome, watch out if it comes back down onto your head. Gravity’s a bitch.

what is mean by rickets What IS mean by rickets? Rickets is a disease caused by a lack of Vitamin D. It causes skeletal deformities and your legs bowing out and all kinds of upsetting things. It’s mostly seen in countries where malnutrition is an issue. That is what is mean by rickets. It is also what is MEANT by rickets. You’re welcome, take a multivitamin.

where no mercury german This is perplexing. This seems to imply that there is a LOT of mercury in Germany, and you’re looking for a place where there is none. Is mercury in Germany a thing? Well, that’s worrisome. Now I’m worried about this, dammit. I don’t know how to tell you how to avoid this because I wasn’t aware it EXISTED. You’re welcome. Be careful, mercury poisoning is a terrible way to go.

Also, don't chew on thermometers. But that's just common sense, I think.

Also, don’t chew on thermometers. But that’s just common sense, I think.

why am always waking up with asthma and sneezing Um. Maybe because you have allergies? This seems like a no-brainer to me. I don’t think you’re waking up with asthma, probably, unless you’ve been diagnosed with asthma. It’s probably allergies. And trust me, allergies can be adult-onset. I never had allergies and now I have TERRIBLE seasonal allergies. Ah-choo. So, yeah. I’m pretty sure this is why you’re waking up all sneeze-faced. It’s the damn pollen. You’re welcome, get some Flonase, it works wonders.

why do sneezes feel so good afterwards Oh, like any sort of building of tension (cougheuphemismcough) the release really is the best, isn’t it? Whew. *fans self* You’re welcome. That was a euphemism, right? Right. Thought so.

Oh, sneeze. Yes. That's the stuff. Right there. Whew.

Oh, sneeze. Yes. That’s the stuff. Right there. Whew.

Well, there we are for May, my little kumquats. What have we learned? Well, to be honest…not much, I guess. But we had a hell of a time doing it.

Until next month – may all your questions be answered. Barring that, may you find your heart’s desire. What’s your heart’s desire? Oh, I don’t know. I don’t know your life. Chocolate, maybe. A nice glass of wine. Going out to dinner with someone who makes you laugh. A nice nap. Driving really fast with the top down. Do something you love, ok? Great. Awesome. You rock. Have a happy Tuesday, darlings.

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

24 responses to “Kind-of-Sort-of-Ask-Lucy a.k.a. I CAN ANSWER THAT! (Volume 14)

  • sj

    I am shocked and appalled you didn’t link to Andreas’ post about The Uncanny Valley. O.o


  • franhunne4u

    where no mercury german This is perplexing. This seems to imply that there is a LOT of mercury in Germany, and you’re looking for a place where there is none. Is mercury in Germany a thing? Well, that’s worrisome. Now I’m worried about this, dammit. I don’t know how to tell you how to avoid this because I wasn’t aware it EXISTED.

    Neither am I aware, it exists. Unless the question was hinting at the energy-saving-lamps we use. Those DO use mercury. Thermometers, as far as I know, no more.


  • becomingcliche

    If I’m going to get a tattoo of a semicolon, I’ll probably get it on my actual colon, or thereabouts.


    • lucysfootball

      Ooh, I’ve ALWAYS wanted a semicolon tattoo. And poetry quotes. I have a billion plans for new tattoos and yet I never get them. I should probably get on that before I turn into an old lady.


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Aw, Weimaraners. We used to have a blue Great Dane that had that exact gorgeous blue-grey fur. Unfortunately she died before she was even a year old from a heart condition.


  • Madame Weebles

    Periwinkle! I miss Crayolas too. Sigh. Also, the caption under the woman sneezing made me laugh out loud. Because we’ve all been there, we all know that feeling.


    • lucysfootball

      I think I need to visit with my nephew soon and have a coloring session. And also a nephew session, because he’s about as magical as coloring. He makes everything fun.

      I sneeze a lot at work. I’m hoping I’m not as orgasmic as that, though. That’d be inappropriate.


  • the diarist

    I love weimeraners. I would help you with it. I would. And they’re a gorgeous blue gray. So pretty.

    I’m sorry to say I thought the picture of the blow up doll was an old rock star who’d had too much work done. This tells you two things: 1. that I lived in LA for too long and 2. I know nothing about blowup dolls.

    Periwinkle is the colour of whimsy. And indigo is the colour of mystery.


  • DogsDontPurr

    There is something addicting to these “ask Lucy” posts you do. Every month, I invariably say to myself…”Oh no, it’s time for one of *these* posts again….”
    But then, of course, I get drawn in, I start answering these in my head, then arguing with you or agreeing with you (in my head), and decide I need to comment, then read the comments, then decide that you probably already considered whatever angle I was going to take in my comment….

    And then I realize that once again, you’ve written a great post that I spent wayyy too much time reading/thinking about, and now I’ m late for……

    Oops….gotta go!

    (PS….Cornflower Blue was always a mystifying crayon color to me. The name didn’t make sense to me for some reason (I think I also called it CONE flower through most of my youth). And if I recall, it was similar to Periwinkle? Were they actually the same color, but the name was changed at some point? Dunno.)


    • lucysfootball

      Ha! This comment makes me happy.

      I think Periwinkle was more of a creamy blue, and Cornflower Blue was more of a BLUE-blue. If I’m remembering correctly. Which I’m probably not.


  • lynnettedobberpuhl

    Hi, it is so nice to be back after an absence and see you are still doing what you do so well! Sex dolls: Ick. Pet birds (canaries or otherwise): never liked them. Weimareiners: LOVE, we had one and it was a better person than many people I know (also it kind of purred which is funny because of the commentor above named DogsDon’tPurr) Periwinkle: Yes. Nutella: perhaps the person was asking a unicorn what it thought of the taste of nutella? And…I guess google thought you were the closest thing to a unicorn? Isn’t that nice! Cheers!


    • lucysfootball

      Hi! Glad to see you! Aw, thank you!

      I do know of the purring dogs. I have heard it, actually. I want a purring dog!

      You know, if Google thinks I’m a unicorn, I think I win the internet, so that’s alright, then.


  • Anjum Ahmed

    These search term posts are incredibly entertaining, the sentences humanity can collectively string together is extraordinary. In for one, came here via Freshly Pressed. But much more largely because I found that your blog’s named “Lucy’s Football.”

    Someone who still cares about Peanuts who is neither dead, nor in a retirement home? That’s a gem.


  • grrgoyl

    There were actually two episodes of “My Crazy Obsession” (at least, I believe it was two separate episodes), one featuring a guy and his Real Sex Dolls (and his far-too-indulgent wife), and another with a woman so crazy about pink she would have her Pomeranian dyed once a week at the salon (they used beet juice, so not as abusive as it might sound). I just think it’s funny two things in this post were covered on that show.


    • lucysfootball

      I know if I started watching that show, I’d get sucked in and never stop watching. (That poor pomeranian. I know it’s not TECHNICALLY abusive, but subjecting it to all of that at the salon can’t be fun for it.) Also, if I was married to someone who had sex dolls, I would not STAY married. Because, well, ew.


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