An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 23)

Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:

Well! It’s May. Almost June, but technically still May. Here in New York, this has been May: so cold so cold lots of rain so cold SO HOT OMG I AM DYING IT IS SO HUMID PANT PANT so cold so cold where are my sweaters SO HOT AGAIN. This month is bipolar. I thought April was supposed to be the weird month. Why is May being so strange? Right now it’s in the 40s, and by the end of the week it’s supposed to be near 90. That’s AUGUST weather. Also, my air conditioner seems broken and doesnt shut off. It just keeps running until this place is like a freezer and then you have to manually shut it off if you’re not deal of hypothermia first. SIGH MAY YOU WILL BE THE DEATH OF ME.

So, just in case you’re new, let me catch you up on this recurring post. I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (this is the twenty-third one. Yes. I know. That’s a lot of posts. I can’t believe I’ve stuck to anything this long, to be honest. It’s kind of mind-boggling. If you’re interested, search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? Oh, I don’t know. Because sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t, I suppose. (PS, I never feel like a nut; I think Almond Joys are terrible. Just dark chocolate and coconut for me, please.)

I never feel like a nut. Not in these things, anyway.

I never feel like a nut. Not in these things, anyway.

So I’m going to break you down into categories and address you in groups. Shh, groups can be nice. Sometimes they can. I had to do a training at work this past week and my group was fine. They totally let me make the poster and play with the marker and everything. We only got one marker and it was purple so my palette was limited but do you think that stopped me from making the most epic poster with stars on it and the best handwriting? No, it did not. And let that be a lesson to you! You can still make an epic poster with one marker if you have the right mindset. This went off-topic, didn’t it? Huh. That’s so unlike me.

There weren’t as MANY search terms this month, but the ones I had were pretty kickass, I have to say. You people never fail to disappoint, either with your hilarity or your perviliciousness or your downright lunacy. Good job, you.

Category the First: Oddly specific.    

man wearing transition lenses during meeting

Not JUST a man. Not JUST transition lenses. Not JUST a man wearing transition lenses. Not JUST a man in a meeting. A MAN wearing TRANSITION LENSES in a MEETING. Well, I’m sorry to ruin your buzz, darlin’, but if they’re good transition lenses, they’ll just look like glasses in a meeting, because most meetings are indoors, and they won’t have transitioned into sunglasses. And why exactly do you need this photo? Are you going to make it your new screensaver? My screensaver’s The Nephew. At least on my laptop. On my phone I have two; one is me and Andreas and one is Dumbcat. I think those three photos are appropriate, as those are three of my most beloved humans/kittehs in the world. I’d suggest you use someone you love as your screensaver, dude. It makes logging on so much more personal and happy.

Category the Second: WTF? No.

bury escortslucy     

What is this and why does it seem to happen at least once every month? What is this “escort lucy” nonsense? AND WHY DO YOU ALWAYS WANT TO BURY HER? This is so worrisome to me. Stop it right now. You’re gonna get caught and go to the big house, yo, and you know when you’re in prison you never get to close the door ever again when you pee. EVERYONE WILL ALWAYS WATCH YOU PEE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Isn’t that terrifying? Yes. Think of THAT the next time you feel stabby.

Everyone will watch you PEE! For the rest of your LIFE!!!

Everyone will watch you PEE! For the rest of your LIFE!!!

Category the Third: OMG, there have GOT to be better places to go for porn than here, right?

“women don’t understand” erection tumblr    
anemalsex x girle
chinchilla fur gloves erotic massage forum      
freex game of thronesporn           
erotic girl eating yoghurt  
lesbians shitting gravy on the floor dirtysex youtube
www. woops animal porn on line.com

These are a lot of porny searches, you guys. You certainly stepped it up this month.

Do women not understand erections, Tumblr, or that there’s a Tumblr for erections? Also, what’s up with those weird quotes?

Hee, “anemalsex” and “girle”. You are quite a speller. You ought to enter a spelling bee.

WHOA. A whole FORUM of people who want to be erotically massaged with chinchilla fur gloves? I didn’t think that was such a thing! Also, I had a friend with a pet chinchilla once, and that thing was adorable. It took dust-baths. It had twitchy whiskers. I wouldn’t want chinchilla-fur gloves because that means there’s a dead chinchilla in the world and they’re so damn cute.

Aw, little fuzzy guy!

Aw, little fuzzy guy!

I think every episode of Game of Thrones is kind of porny. Those people cannot seem to keep their clothes on. You want MORE porny Game of Thrones? Man, it’s like nothing pleases you.

Well, you’ve given yourself away, sir/ma’am, now I know you’re all foreign and shit with your spelling of “yogurt.” Also, how exactly does one eat yogurt erotically? Like, licks the spoon or something? I tend to spill it on my top when I eat it. Is that erotic? I’m thinking no.

OMG, “shitting gravy on the floor.” WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE. I seriously think you need therapy.

Woops! Animal porn! Sorry, sure didn’t mean to click on THAT! But since I’m HERE…

Category the Fourth: Whoa. Bossy.

get in that pool wearing clothes

I don’t like to be ordered around. First, I don’t get into pools, as I can’t swim and they smell like chlorine and bad memories. Second, with my CLOTHES on? No thanks, slappy. Stop telling me what to do. Why don’t YOU go get into the pool with your clothes on. Preferably cement shoes.

Category the Fifth: Hee!

bitches be like i’m not yelling   
blublocker contacts
graphs and charts to show who loves chinchillas or hates chinchillas      
hot damn euphemism
www. zooprom.com
you lied to me now its 100% over poem

Bitches be like, “I’m not yelling! And stop calling me a bitch, because that’s a totally disrespectful term that I hate to hear people say!”

I have a Blublocker story! When I was a kid, my family went to Florida and we went to a flea market (this is a favorite pasttime of my family) and Dad bought like TWENTY BOXES OF BLUBLOCKERS and when I was all “Dad, why so many Blublockers?” he said, “I saw these on the teevee, they’re totally good, there’s a rap about them and everything.” And I was all, “Yeah, but…you bought like twenty boxes of them?” and he was all, “Yeah, you don’t know, one might break or something” and I said “But then you’d have 19 more?” and he was all “grumble grumble MAN I LOVE! MY BLUBLOCKERS! There’s a RAP, Amy!” (Those Blublockers are sitting under a layer of dust on a shelf in the junk room now. He didn’t like them after wearing them once. Oh, Dad. Sigh.) As for Blublocker contacts, I don’t think that’s a thing, and it shouldn’t BE a thing.

SO classy.

SO classy.

What’s up with the chinchilla searches this month? Also, this would be the best graph/chart ever. “And as you can see on THIS chart, most people care a great DEAL for chinchillas, but there are a few people who don’t care at ALL for chinchillas.”

Aw, the thought of people not liking chinchillas made this chinchilla SO SAD, you guys.

Aw, the thought of people not liking chinchillas made this chinchilla SO SAD, you guys.

I don’t know that “hot damn” is a euphemism. What would it be a euphemism FOR? I think maybe you misunderstand what a euphemism is. A euphemism stands in for something else. Like if you say “last night I was riding the roller coaster” and you really mean you were having all the sex. So “hot damn” isn’t a euphemism. It’s just a funny thing to say.

I WANT TO GO TO THE ZOO PROM! The elephants would wear pretty dresses and the giraffes would have long necklaces and the chimps would spike the punch and the penguins would get caught necking in the bathroom! HOORAY ZOO PROM!

You lied to me! Now it’s not just 75% over, it is ONE HUNDRED PERCENT OVER! Is there a poem about that? Well, I could WRITE you one, darlin’, if you want. “Your face, so loved/Now causes me pain/You lied about Stacey/I wanna stab you in the brain.” Thank you! Goodnight! Please tip your waiters!

Category the Sixth: Um. What?

“hot sauce in his diaper”
keep calm and shoot seagulls
kindergarten of bitches

What is going on with hot sauce in a diaper? I don’t want to know, do I? Sorry. I’ll stop asking.

Listen, I am so, SO over the “keep calm” nonsense, and don’t shoot seagulls. They’re not hurting anyone.

STOP SAYING BITCHES. Also, I don’t know that kindergarten kids are bitchy. They’re wee kiddos. They’re cranky, sometimes, but not so much bitchy. Be nice, jellybeans.

Category the Seventh: Yes. Yes, I would imagine it would be so.

benedict cumberbatch touch and ecstasy 

Sigh. FIREWORKS! GEYSERS!

Sigh. FIREWORKS! GEYSERS!

I would think that the slightest touch from Cumberbatch would induce fits of the best ecstasy, and also rainbows and kittens and perhaps fireworks. And trains coming out of tunnels. And geysers. All those things that happen in movies where they can’t show the sex scene but they want you to KNOW it’s super-exciting. Sigh. Cumberbatch.

Category the Ninth: Andreas, I think these are for you, but I’m sorry in advance.

finn naturist
finns in the nude  

Stop searching for naked Finns. It’s weird and off-putting and Andreas is like a brother to me and this will make him embarrassed. I totally told him about this when we were chatting the other night and he laughed and laughed. (You will also be pleased to know that it seems he is not dying of the Bubonic Plague. I know *I* was pleased.) No nude Finns! Well, at least not nude Andreases. Maybe other nude Finns would be ok. I don’t know. I don’t know any other Finns. After I go to Finland I will report back if there’s anyone we want to see naked.

Look, here, I found you a pretty Finnish hockey player to lust over. His name is Mikko Koivu which I think is a very fun name. He is the only Finn you are allowed to think weird nude thoughts about. Thank you.

Look, here, I found you a pretty Finnish hockey player to lust over. His name is Mikko Koivu which I think is a very fun name. He is the only Finn you are allowed to think weird nude thoughts about. Thank you.

Category the Tenth: Sometimes you just gotta let it go, bub.

accidentally dropped a shard of meth in rat poison   

OK, there are a lot of things wrong with this search term. You had a “shard” of meth (meth is in shards? Don’t do drugs that come in shards) and you also apparently had rat poison just hanging around and then you DROPPED the meth into the rat poison. I’m guessing you’re wondering, should I go for this shard of meth? Will it be tainted by the rat poison?

It’s time to rethink your life choices, my darling. Don’t do meth pulled out of the rat poison. Put it all away and take up crochet. Or write the next great American novel. Or adopt a shelter dog. Just stop doing drugs that will kill you. There’s your daily dose of life-advice, kiddos, do with it what you will.

Category the Eleventh: I’m no longer alone! I’m so happy! Oh, shit, oh, wait, dammit!  

i love you so much sarcastic

Man, I was so excited there for a minute before you put the “sarcastic” thing on there. You broke my heart. I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY. Now I need to go eat some ice cream and weep for like a month. Sniff.

There we go, gingersnaps! All the search terms for May. And now we’re heading on into June! The summer is almost upon us! With all that sun and such! (And a billion theater reviews in far-away places for me, so, yay summer!)

Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.

Love, Me.

(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

19 responses to “An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 23)

  • sj

    I wonder if he was planning on selling the rat poison meth? Or giving it to an enemy? That seems smart. “Well, he died of meth overdose, what can you do?”

    [rubs hands evilly] “That’s JUST WHAT I WANTED YOU TO THINK!”

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Finns are nude too, you know. Like, when they take a shower or are in a sauna. Or when they get too drunk in a bar on a Friday night.

    Also, isn’t Mikko Koivu married?

    *wikipediaing*

    Ok, apparently not. Carry on with your lustful thoughts.

    (By the way: Mikko is the Finnish variant of the name Michael, and Koivu means birch. So his name is Michael Birch. Which isn’t all that weird, is it?)

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Yes, but we don’t need to SEARCH for it, Andreas! It’s just not DONE. It is a PERSONAL thing.

      Hee, when they get too drunk in a bar. Do they just start stripping? Like, there in the bar? Or in the street outside?

      Why would you assume Mikko Koivu being married means I can’t imagine him naked? I’ve had many lustful thoughts about people who are either married or in serious relationships. As long as I don’t act on them, I think I’m fine.

      No, Michael Birch is boring. But MIKKO KOIVU is EXCITING. Let’s leave it in Finnish. I like that. Ooh, Andreas, make MY name Finnish!!! Crap, I’m all excited about this and I can’t even wait for you to wake up for it. I put it into Google translate but it didn’t work so I had to make it into the words it means in French first and THEN Google translate it into Finnish so apparently my name translated from English to French to Finnish is “rakastan kestäminen” which is lovely, but I don’t think it’s really a name. Who cares, I’m keeping it anyway. When I come to Finland, can we TELL people that’s my name? They can call me Raka for short. I also like that I get an umlaut. That’s totally the fanciest. OR, we can also do it in Swedish and it’s “älskar bestående” which is almost even better because I get both an umlaut AND one of those “a”s with a ring over it. I have the best foreign mangled translation names ever.

      Like

  • Corvidae in the Fields

    I’ve only had one line of search terms on my stats page.

    “Tinysister fucked in farmers field”

    I’m glad I’m not the only one that gets very concerning search results.

    Like

  • tiinamaa

    I just love these posts! They also make me a little bit sad that I’m so boring and stumbled upon here through one of the massive waves of people (Freshly Pressed).

    Also, I much prefer Cumberbatch over Koivu though actually meeting Mikko would be so much easier (I know someone who knows him). Now if we were talking about Mikko’s older brother Saku, Benedict might have more of competition…

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Aw, you are not boring! It doesn’t matter HOW you got here, just that you’re HERE!

      Yes, agreed, Benedict totally trumps Mikko Koivu. Ooh, now I have to Google Saku Koivu.

      I’m back. You’re totally right. He’s DELICIOUS. But I’d still take Benedict Cumberbatch. I have such a crush on that man. Sigh.

      Like

  • Madame Weebles

    WOW. Your search terms are as strange as the ones on my blog. I get a lot of people wanted to do twisted, filthy things with Weebles. Mikko is quite fetching, I wouldn’t mind thinking naughty thoughts about him. But am I the only person on earth who doesn’t find Benedict Cumberbatch attractive?

    Like

  • the diarist

    This sounds like my goals for this year: Crochet. Or write the next great American novel. Or adopt a shelter dog.

    All three. I am making a blanket for a new baby in the world. I don’t think my novel is the next great American novel, but it’s definitely an American novel.

    I really want a dog. Or, and I blame you completely for this, a chincilla.

    As always, these posts are totally stellar.

    Like

  • blogginglily

    I feel like there’s nobody else in blogging who gets the ridiculous oddball search results you do. Nobody. The only thing I can figure is that you write so many posts on so many topics.

    To recap…when people search for my blog they insert of of the following: Just a lil blog, autistic girl lily, toilet paper wrong way, or blogginglily. That’s it. It’s so dull.

    Alright regarding your post: Women do NOT understand erections. I was forced to answer erection questions in an autism post not long ago. For REALZ!!!

    Next and finally: Blublockers are GREAT for skiing. When you ski on sunny days your eyes get really sun blind, and you can miss subtle shadows on the ground. Shadows on snow appear blue, and yellow orange lenses pick up that blue and give it extra contrast. Makes your eye strain a little more tolerable.

    Fin.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      What? There were erection questions on your blog? Wait, on YOUR blog or someone ELSE’S blog? Hee, “forced.” I like to imagine you all “Man, I don’t want to have to do this, but it’s like I don’t have a choice. WHO WILL SPEAK FOR THE ERECTIONS?!?!”

      I do get some great searches, right? It might be one of the few things I do right. I’m quite pleased.

      You have Blublockers? Really? I hope the new, more stylish-kind and not the kind Dad had that looked like rapper-glasses. He looked so foolish. Although if you were a skiing rapper that might also be the best thing.

      Like

  • grrgoyl

    I know way more about crystal meth than I ever wanted to after discovering our next door neighbor was cooking it, and I’m pretty sure there’s rat poison IN meth. If not, then certainly the chemical equivalent.

    Just saw Star Trek: Into Darkness last night, and can confirm Benedict Cumberbatch fireworks. OMG SO HOT.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Of COURSE there is. That doesn’t surprise me. Meth is the most terrifying drug to me.

      YAY CUMBERBATCH! I don’t know that I’ll ever watch that, because I have no idea what’s happening in Star Trek, but I’m glad he’s the hottest. And not at all surprised.

      Like

      • Kris

        You need to watch the new Star Trek. No prior experience necessary (though there are lots of ‘in’ jokes and references for die hard trekkies). BC is amazing in this! He will move you to tears. And you will cheer for him – even tho he’s a bad guy. (Not really a spoiler). The movie is a total summer popcorn movie with explosions and eye candy. But, seriously, if you are a BC fan – it’s a must see! :-)

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          I do love him, but don’t like Star Trek, so won’t be watching him in that. It’s ok – I think he’ll be in plenty of other things for me to watch, and I have a new season of Sherlock coming soon!

          Like

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