Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:
Well! It’s May. Almost June, but technically still May. Here in New York, this has been May: so cold so cold lots of rain so cold SO HOT OMG I AM DYING IT IS SO HUMID PANT PANT so cold so cold where are my sweaters SO HOT AGAIN. This month is bipolar. I thought April was supposed to be the weird month. Why is May being so strange? Right now it’s in the 40s, and by the end of the week it’s supposed to be near 90. That’s AUGUST weather. Also, my air conditioner seems broken and doesnt shut off. It just keeps running until this place is like a freezer and then you have to manually shut it off if you’re not deal of hypothermia first. SIGH MAY YOU WILL BE THE DEATH OF ME.
So, just in case you’re new, let me catch you up on this recurring post. I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (this is the twenty-third one. Yes. I know. That’s a lot of posts. I can’t believe I’ve stuck to anything this long, to be honest. It’s kind of mind-boggling. If you’re interested, search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? Oh, I don’t know. Because sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t, I suppose. (PS, I never feel like a nut; I think Almond Joys are terrible. Just dark chocolate and coconut for me, please.)
So I’m going to break you down into categories and address you in groups. Shh, groups can be nice. Sometimes they can. I had to do a training at work this past week and my group was fine. They totally let me make the poster and play with the marker and everything. We only got one marker and it was purple so my palette was limited but do you think that stopped me from making the most epic poster with stars on it and the best handwriting? No, it did not. And let that be a lesson to you! You can still make an epic poster with one marker if you have the right mindset. This went off-topic, didn’t it? Huh. That’s so unlike me.
There weren’t as MANY search terms this month, but the ones I had were pretty kickass, I have to say. You people never fail to disappoint, either with your hilarity or your perviliciousness or your downright lunacy. Good job, you.
Category the First: Oddly specific.
man wearing transition lenses during meeting
Not JUST a man. Not JUST transition lenses. Not JUST a man wearing transition lenses. Not JUST a man in a meeting. A MAN wearing TRANSITION LENSES in a MEETING. Well, I’m sorry to ruin your buzz, darlin’, but if they’re good transition lenses, they’ll just look like glasses in a meeting, because most meetings are indoors, and they won’t have transitioned into sunglasses. And why exactly do you need this photo? Are you going to make it your new screensaver? My screensaver’s The Nephew. At least on my laptop. On my phone I have two; one is me and Andreas and one is Dumbcat. I think those three photos are appropriate, as those are three of my most beloved humans/kittehs in the world. I’d suggest you use someone you love as your screensaver, dude. It makes logging on so much more personal and happy.
Category the Second: WTF? No.
What is this and why does it seem to happen at least once every month? What is this “escort lucy” nonsense? AND WHY DO YOU ALWAYS WANT TO BURY HER? This is so worrisome to me. Stop it right now. You’re gonna get caught and go to the big house, yo, and you know when you’re in prison you never get to close the door ever again when you pee. EVERYONE WILL ALWAYS WATCH YOU PEE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Isn’t that terrifying? Yes. Think of THAT the next time you feel stabby.
Category the Third: OMG, there have GOT to be better places to go for porn than here, right?
“women don’t understand” erection tumblr
anemalsex x girle
chinchilla fur gloves erotic massage forum
freex game of thronesporn
erotic girl eating yoghurt
lesbians shitting gravy on the floor dirtysex youtube
www. woops animal porn on line.com
These are a lot of porny searches, you guys. You certainly stepped it up this month.
Do women not understand erections, Tumblr, or that there’s a Tumblr for erections? Also, what’s up with those weird quotes?
Hee, “anemalsex” and “girle”. You are quite a speller. You ought to enter a spelling bee.
WHOA. A whole FORUM of people who want to be erotically massaged with chinchilla fur gloves? I didn’t think that was such a thing! Also, I had a friend with a pet chinchilla once, and that thing was adorable. It took dust-baths. It had twitchy whiskers. I wouldn’t want chinchilla-fur gloves because that means there’s a dead chinchilla in the world and they’re so damn cute.
I think every episode of Game of Thrones is kind of porny. Those people cannot seem to keep their clothes on. You want MORE porny Game of Thrones? Man, it’s like nothing pleases you.
Well, you’ve given yourself away, sir/ma’am, now I know you’re all foreign and shit with your spelling of “yogurt.” Also, how exactly does one eat yogurt erotically? Like, licks the spoon or something? I tend to spill it on my top when I eat it. Is that erotic? I’m thinking no.
OMG, “shitting gravy on the floor.” WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE. I seriously think you need therapy.
Woops! Animal porn! Sorry, sure didn’t mean to click on THAT! But since I’m HERE…
Category the Fourth: Whoa. Bossy.
get in that pool wearing clothes
I don’t like to be ordered around. First, I don’t get into pools, as I can’t swim and they smell like chlorine and bad memories. Second, with my CLOTHES on? No thanks, slappy. Stop telling me what to do. Why don’t YOU go get into the pool with your clothes on. Preferably cement shoes.
Category the Fifth: Hee!
bitches be like i’m not yelling
graphs and charts to show who loves chinchillas or hates chinchillas
hot damn euphemism
you lied to me now its 100% over poem
Bitches be like, “I’m not yelling! And stop calling me a bitch, because that’s a totally disrespectful term that I hate to hear people say!”
I have a Blublocker story! When I was a kid, my family went to Florida and we went to a flea market (this is a favorite pasttime of my family) and Dad bought like TWENTY BOXES OF BLUBLOCKERS and when I was all “Dad, why so many Blublockers?” he said, “I saw these on the teevee, they’re totally good, there’s a rap about them and everything.” And I was all, “Yeah, but…you bought like twenty boxes of them?” and he was all, “Yeah, you don’t know, one might break or something” and I said “But then you’d have 19 more?” and he was all “grumble grumble MAN I LOVE! MY BLUBLOCKERS! There’s a RAP, Amy!” (Those Blublockers are sitting under a layer of dust on a shelf in the junk room now. He didn’t like them after wearing them once. Oh, Dad. Sigh.) As for Blublocker contacts, I don’t think that’s a thing, and it shouldn’t BE a thing.
What’s up with the chinchilla searches this month? Also, this would be the best graph/chart ever. “And as you can see on THIS chart, most people care a great DEAL for chinchillas, but there are a few people who don’t care at ALL for chinchillas.”
I don’t know that “hot damn” is a euphemism. What would it be a euphemism FOR? I think maybe you misunderstand what a euphemism is. A euphemism stands in for something else. Like if you say “last night I was riding the roller coaster” and you really mean you were having all the sex. So “hot damn” isn’t a euphemism. It’s just a funny thing to say.
I WANT TO GO TO THE ZOO PROM! The elephants would wear pretty dresses and the giraffes would have long necklaces and the chimps would spike the punch and the penguins would get caught necking in the bathroom! HOORAY ZOO PROM!
You lied to me! Now it’s not just 75% over, it is ONE HUNDRED PERCENT OVER! Is there a poem about that? Well, I could WRITE you one, darlin’, if you want. “Your face, so loved/Now causes me pain/You lied about Stacey/I wanna stab you in the brain.” Thank you! Goodnight! Please tip your waiters!
Category the Sixth: Um. What?
“hot sauce in his diaper”
keep calm and shoot seagulls
kindergarten of bitches
What is going on with hot sauce in a diaper? I don’t want to know, do I? Sorry. I’ll stop asking.
Listen, I am so, SO over the “keep calm” nonsense, and don’t shoot seagulls. They’re not hurting anyone.
STOP SAYING BITCHES. Also, I don’t know that kindergarten kids are bitchy. They’re wee kiddos. They’re cranky, sometimes, but not so much bitchy. Be nice, jellybeans.
Category the Seventh: Yes. Yes, I would imagine it would be so.
benedict cumberbatch touch and ecstasy
I would think that the slightest touch from Cumberbatch would induce fits of the best ecstasy, and also rainbows and kittens and perhaps fireworks. And trains coming out of tunnels. And geysers. All those things that happen in movies where they can’t show the sex scene but they want you to KNOW it’s super-exciting. Sigh. Cumberbatch.
Category the Ninth: Andreas, I think these are for you, but I’m sorry in advance.
finns in the nude
Stop searching for naked Finns. It’s weird and off-putting and Andreas is like a brother to me and this will make him embarrassed. I totally told him about this when we were chatting the other night and he laughed and laughed. (You will also be pleased to know that it seems he is not dying of the Bubonic Plague. I know *I* was pleased.) No nude Finns! Well, at least not nude Andreases. Maybe other nude Finns would be ok. I don’t know. I don’t know any other Finns. After I go to Finland I will report back if there’s anyone we want to see naked.
Category the Tenth: Sometimes you just gotta let it go, bub.
accidentally dropped a shard of meth in rat poison
OK, there are a lot of things wrong with this search term. You had a “shard” of meth (meth is in shards? Don’t do drugs that come in shards) and you also apparently had rat poison just hanging around and then you DROPPED the meth into the rat poison. I’m guessing you’re wondering, should I go for this shard of meth? Will it be tainted by the rat poison?
It’s time to rethink your life choices, my darling. Don’t do meth pulled out of the rat poison. Put it all away and take up crochet. Or write the next great American novel. Or adopt a shelter dog. Just stop doing drugs that will kill you. There’s your daily dose of life-advice, kiddos, do with it what you will.
Category the Eleventh: I’m no longer alone! I’m so happy! Oh, shit, oh, wait, dammit!
i love you so much sarcastic
Man, I was so excited there for a minute before you put the “sarcastic” thing on there. You broke my heart. I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY. Now I need to go eat some ice cream and weep for like a month. Sniff.
There we go, gingersnaps! All the search terms for May. And now we’re heading on into June! The summer is almost upon us! With all that sun and such! (And a billion theater reviews in far-away places for me, so, yay summer!)
Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.
(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)