How to make your Science Fellow feel better when he has the killer zombie Finnish death flu

Our most excellent Science Fellow Andreas has been down with the killer zombie Finnish death flu for a few days and it is the worst. I worry about such things. He told me today he was feeling better, but also that he Googled his symptoms and Google helpfully informed him he had the Bubonic Plague. Well! THAT’S not good. I would not like it in the least if something bad were to happen to my Science Fellow who also happens to be one of my closest friends. Especially not the Bubonic Plague, because the interweb tells me that when you get that, you get gangrene, seizures, extremely swollen lymph glands (sometimes in your GROIN, oh, no thanks), “continuous vomiting of blood” (WTF NO NO) and black dots scattered all over your body for some strange reason. No, I don’t think I want those things for Andreas. Or many people I know, actually. Note I didn’t say EVERYONE I know. There are a few select people that could use a little gangrene and blood-gacking. I know I should be more forgiving. I promise they really deserve it, if that helps at all.

So, what could we do from a distance to make our Andreas feel better? It’s tough, because Finland is FAR, you guys. Like, when I’m getting ready to go to bed most nights, Andreas is just getting up. I know I’ve stayed up too late if I stay up to say more than “Good morning, good night” to Andreas. So how can we send a virtual get-well card to Andreas? Because he and I have a date to talk with our faces tonight on the internet and if he’s dying of the Bubonic Plague I don’t think that’s going to happen, you know?


I can’t think of any way to cheer Andreas up more. Except if he really has the Bubonic Plague. If he really has the Bubonic Plague, no amount of sciency posts are going to fix that shit, yo. Andreas, please don’t have the Bubonic Plague, I would be lost without you.

In honor of Andreas, here is a most excellent post I found about the top ten newly discovered species. Do you find it so exciting that they are still discovering new species all the time? I do. I think that’s kind of awesome. I mean, we’re killing off species left and right, but dammit, new species are still happening. That’s amazing to me.

Apparently, there’s a thing called the “International Institute for Species Exploration” at Arizona State University. Well, you know it must be good if it’s at ASU, because ASU is in Phoenix. You know who else is in Phoenix? BFF IS!!! So that’s why this institute must be awesome.

So this institute, every year, picks out the top ten best newly-discovered species and then SHARES THEM WITH THE WORLD! Thank you, ASU, the last thing I heard about you was that you were totally a party school so I’m glad you’re crackin’ down on the science tip, yo.

So, without further ado, here are Arizona State University’s top ten newly-discovered species. Well, not all ten, because some are totally boring, but at least three or four. SORRY! I shouldn’t say things are boring. But what the hell would I say about some pretty new plant? If you want to see the new plant, you can click on that link up there. ANYWAY! Are we so excited? YES WE ARE! Andreas, are you feeling better already just imagining all the fun we’re going to have?

This is a lyre sponge! It lives at the bottom of the sea. What sea? I don’t know, a deep one, I think. I know what you’re thinking. “AMY THIS IS BORING.” Well! Shows what you know, Slappy! This sponge is CARNIVOROUS! OK, fine, it only carnivorates (shut up, I just made that a word just now, I can do things like that if I want) plankton, but still, that’s kind of badass, for a sponge. I mean, you wash your dishes with sponges, and this one is A MURDERER (of plankton)!

OMG THE TINIES FROG IN ALL THE LAND YOU GUYS! Look, he’s on a DIME! His fancy scientific name is Paedophryne amanuensis. He lives in New Guinea. It is the smallest living vertebrate! EVER! Aw, I want like a whole aquarium of these, I love them so much! I feel like this very small frog might be my spirit animal.

You guys, this is a glow-in-the-dark cockroach. A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK COCKROACH. I can’t tell if this a very good idea or the scariest thing to ever happen. Like, once? I lived in a house that was overrun with roaches and it’s the worst place I’ve ever lived and I still have the shivers when I think about it because when I woke up in the morning and I’d turn on the light you’d see a billion roaches running for cover and you just kind of sat for a moment and thought about the turn your life had taken, you living in a place where you were outnumbered by vermin? So would it be good if the roaches glowed in the dark so you had some warning? Or would it be terrible, because when you were trying to sleep, you could see them creeping closer and closer to your bed because the one thing they wanted more than anything was to get under the covers with you and that thought kept you up at night?

This cockroach lived around a volcano site and scientists aren’t sure if it’s even in existence anymore. I find it sad that something was discovered that might already be extinct.

Also, I think this cockroach looks like Wall-E’s girlfriend Eve.

Except of course much more creepy and liable to make me get the shivers and run out into the snow with only sandals on in disgust from all those damn cockroaches. Sorry. Flashback. Carry on.

OK, you know I have monkey-phobia, right? This monkey scares me. But also is kind of intriguing.

Put your hands over the top of its head and the bottom of its face so just its eyes are showing. THIS IS LIKE A MONKEY WITH HUMAN EYES. That’s why it’s scary. It’s like a science experiment gone wrong. Also, its face is really long so it looks kind of doleful and a little pensive so I feel kind of sad for it.

This is a lesula monkey and it lives in the Congo. Also it has a bright blue bum, which makes me laugh. I like that he looks like a science teacher in the front and he’s all partytime in the back.

Andreas! There are four very interesting new species for you. And more if you click the link but those things were plants and bugs and such.

And as a special added bonus thing just for you and only because you’re sick and I know you love them:

A blue-ringed octopus! When it is threatened, the blue rings light up! They are only the size of a golf ball but they carry some of the most deadly venom on the planet! ON THE WHOLE PLANET!

Feel better, Andreas. You are my most favorite species. I hope I get to see your face on the interwebs tonight and that you are not constantly vomiting blood. If you are, let’s reschedule our chat tonight, ok? Cool. Thanks.

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

38 responses to “How to make your Science Fellow feel better when he has the killer zombie Finnish death flu

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Aw, thank you! Feeling better already! Well, apart from the bubonic plague obviously. But what’s a man to do. Stiff upper lip and all that, what what?


    • lucysfootball

      Hee! What what!

      I’m glad you’re better. I don’t like you to be sick. The Bubonic Plague is a worry, though. If you start vomiting blood while we’re talking tonight I’m going to call an old priest and a young priest.


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    A note on species description: as I’ve probably already mentioned here (I tend to drone on and on about this), discovery of new species is not all that uncommon – at least not for us entomologists. When I was working at the Swedish Museum of Natural History, we discovered and described 41 new species of fungus gnats – all belonging to the same, very obscure, genus Pseudozygoneura. In fact, just in the material I collected personally in Borneo and on the Malaysian mainland many hundred yet unknown species of insects are probably waiting to still be described.

    But disregarding this, those new species are pretty awesome. (I knew about the frog.) And the blue-ringed octopus is gorgeous species, perhaps best known from the Bond-film Octopussy.


    • lucysfootball

      You can always talk about science and it’s never droning on. I am always fascinated. You know that. Someday let’s have a talk about what makes them all different species, though. You found 41 different species of the same gnat? How did they all differ that they were different species? And how did you know? Like, were their wings different sizes or shapes, or…? I am curious. You know I like to know all the things.

      Wait, what is this material you collected? And why are there undiscovered species in it? Is it something you have, or something someone else does? I am curious about all of this.

      You knew about the baby tiny frog? And you didn’t TELL me? ANDREAS!!!!

      You can’t use words like Octopussy in my comments. Children might be reading, Andreas. THINK OF THE CHILDREN. That is NAUGHTY. (And totally a euphemism.) I’ve never seen that movie because I hate James Bond movies. They’re all the same. There’s shooting and running and sex and someone tries to kill James Bond and then he drinks a martini. Yawn.


  • sj

    Oh. My. God.


    I will never sleep again.


  • the diarist

    Aw, feel better Andreas!

    And your descriptions are so perfect! Wall-E’s gf and I love that a sponge is named after a lyre. And the octopus lights up! OMG.

    Why is a New Guinea frog on an American dime? So confused.

    And that monkey does look like a science teacher.

    Random because it reminded me of Amy:
    I was reading a site and someone said “it was discussing” when they meant disgusting. I can only hope it was autocorrect. (It reminded me of you because I actually thought to myself that this would drive you crazy. Which probably isn’t the best reason to share it, now that I think about it. I seem to be committed to it, however.)

    What, what!


    • lucysfootball

      OMG, it was discussing. Hee! It WOULD have driven me crazy. And also made me giggle. THIS TV DINNER IS SO DISCUSSING!

      I totally want a wee frog and a wee poisonous octopus, but not in the same aquarium. That’d be lunacy.


  • Corvidae in the Fields

    Tiny, deadly octopus! :D

    Please tell me it also spins and plays the theme to Night Court. That’s the only way it could be even more awesome.


    • lucysfootball

      I don’t think it does, sadly. Probably they don’t know about Night Court on the bottom of the ocean.

      (One of my favorite 30 Rock moments ever was when Kenneth had a dream of seeing a Night Court reunion and the 30 Rock people could only get SOME of them to show up for him…and he came into the room and saw them and his eyes got huge and he said, as if it was his birthday and Christmas rolled into one, “SOME of the cast of Night Court!” because to Kenneth, that was just as good. I totally say that to myself in Kenneth’s excited tone whenever I see or hear the words Night Court. I can’t help it.)


  • Heather

    As soon as I saw that cockroach I thought, ‘Hey! That looks like Eve!’ Great minds, you know…


  • Jeff

    Fascinating! However, I can’t bring myself to be sad that any species of cockroach might already be extinct. I once lived in a house so overrun by roaches that they got in my clock radio. IN MY CLOCK RADIO!! GAHH!! My roommate and I opened the thing and killed at least a dozen as they scampered out of it. Bad memories.


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