No. Not that one. NO. The other white meat. DAMMIT, THE OTHER ONE!

Today when I was driving home from work I was thinking about business slogans. I have no idea why. I have to assume there was one on the radio because I don’t drive past anywhere with a visible slogan on the way home. That’s because I purposely take this weird back way to get home that may or may not save me time but I get in a rut and then I don’t want to try new things. Also, it’s pretty back there. There are a lot of trees. And there are lilacs by the stop sign so if my windows are rolled down it smells lovely in the car. Yes, I realize there won’t always be lilacs. But there are lilacs NOW, so that’s NICE. Sheesh.

So, yeah, I have no idea what slogan I heard on the radio that made me start thinking about the fact that there are a lot of terrible slogans in the world. Businesses pay advertising executives a lot of money to come up with these things, and if you think about them, some of them are very, very stupid, and make very little sense, objectively.

Let’s discuss some slogans which I have totally helpfully found for you on the interwebs. Because I am helpful like that. Some of these seem outdated. We’re still going to DISCUSS them, I just don’t know that they’re CURRENT. Nice job, Wikipedia, for staying on top of the trends.

Did somebody say McDonald’s?

This apparently was an old slogan for McDonald’s. I think the current one is the “I’m lovin’ it” garbage or something, right? Anyway, I like “Did somebody say McDonald’s?” because the correct answer to this question is “No. Nobody said McDonald’s, George. We’re going to a REAL restaurant. If you want Big Macs, get them yourself on your lunch hour, you troglodyte.”

Have it your way.

I don’t understand this slogan, Burger King. Does anyone know anyone out there who walks into Burger King and custom-orders? Like, “I’d like the chicken sandwich, only with the sauce you put on the Whoppers, and can I get a side of barbecue sauce with my fries, and maybe instead of a vanilla shake, you could put just a little coffee in there, make it a mocha shake?” No. You do not do that, because IT IS BURGER KING. You order off the menu. If you even ask for no tomatoes they look at you like you’ve shit in the glove compartment. You don’t get it your way. You get it the way they made it before they wrapped it in that paper wrapping stuff and if you don’t like it, HIT THE ROAD, there’s probably a Taco Bell half a mile up.

I’d walk a mile for a Camel.

Was it a windy day when you walked the mile for your Camel? What's up with the flippety scarf-thing?

Was it a windy day when you walked the mile for your Camel? What’s up with the flippety scarf-thing?

OK, this slogan is from 1921, mostly because I don’t think cigarettes are allowed to advertise anymore because THE CHILDREN THINK OF THE CHILDREN. But it’s also false. I don’t think any smokers could walk a mile for a Camel. Because of the coughing and out-of-breathedness. Also, why wouldn’t they drive or, well, it was 1921, take the horse and buggy over to the general store for a Camel? Why are you walking a mile for a cigarette anyway? You need to start stocking up on that shit the next time you hit town if you live that far away. You’re going to wear out your shoe leather, old-timey smoker person.

Ivory Soap – 9944/100% Pure.

If this was an ad nowadays, that Christian Coalition for the Family would get all up-in-arms about it. NAKED KID IN AN AD!!!

If this was an ad nowadays, that Christian Coalition for the Family or whatever those doucheknuckles are called would get all up-in-arms about it. NAKED KID IN AN AD!!!

I actually use and like Ivory soap because it’s one of the only soaps I can use on my special snowflake face that doesn’t make me a., turn bright red like a stop sign or b., break out like a leprosy victim. Sadly, this is not a joke. But I have often wondered what the 56/100% of my soap is. Is it bugs? Toxic chemicals? PEOPLE? IS SOYLENT GREEN PEOPLE? I’m honestly curious, here. Also, I find it funny that this is the slogan. “Ivory! We’re almost totally pure, except for that part that’s not, and we’d rather not talk about that!” Come to think of it, Ivory soap’s slogan and how I presented myself to my parents in college so they would continue to send me money now and then have a lot in common.

Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.

I found something that said "Like a good neighbor stay over there" and it made me giggle. Yes. Stay over there. I approve of my neighbors staying over there.

I found something that said “Like a good neighbor stay over there” and it made me giggle. Yes. Stay over there. I approve of my neighbors staying over there.

THIS IS TOTALLY WHAT I HEARD ON THE RADIO TODAY THAT STARTED ALL OF THIS! This jingle has been on a lot, and also there are commercials that make me laugh. So I guess it’s a good slogan in that it makes me giggle. But I don’t think their intended purpose is me singing the version I’ve come up with, which is “Like a good stalker, State Farm shows up when you least expect it!” because that’s what happens on the commercials and the radio ads. POOF! HERE’S STATE FARM! PEEKIN’ IN YOUR WINDOW AT NIGHT! JUST MAKIN’ SURE YOU’RE SLEEPIN’ OK!

Pork. The Other White Meat.

Other than the fact that this makes me giggle because it’s totally a euphemism, it is such a giving-up slogan, isn’t it? “Pork. You know. Pork? From pigs? Like, pork roast? Pork chops? No. Not wings. That’s chicken. NO. Not CHICKEN BREAST. Good grief. PORK, lady. THE OTHER WHITE MEAT!” “Dude. That’s our slogan. We’re gonna make MILLIONS!”

Probably the best lager in the world.

I mean, we think. We haven't tried them ALL, of course. Ha. Ha ha.

I mean, we think. We haven’t tried them ALL, of course. Ha. Ha ha.

This is apparently a slogan for some beer named Carlsberg which I’ve never heard of. I don’t drink beer because of that time I almost died in college from drinking too much of it and now it tastes like a three-day hangover and vomitous shame to me, so I haven’t had any since. Yes. In over twenty years. That’s right. You’re a math whiz. Anyway. I think anyone who has the gumption to have “probably” in their slogan deserves an award. “We’re not SURE we’re the best lager in the world…but probably. Probably we are. I mean, there are other lagers. And those are fairly tasty. But we’re still pretty certain ours is the best. So…maybe put it in your mouthhole? See what you think? I mean, no pressure. Probably you’ll like it, but we can’t guarantee anything.”

There is no spit in Cremo!

HORRID WORD! Did people used to sell things covered in spit back in the day? Good grief that's repulsive.

HORRID WORD! Did people used to sell things covered in spit back in the day? Good grief that’s repulsive.

In 1929 there were cigars called Cremo and this was their slogan. THIS IS THE BEST SLOGAN EVER. What kind of cigars were being sold BEFORE this? Spitty ones? Like, were all the cigars hand-rolled and then sealed with a loogie? I am utterly charmed, disgusted, AND perplexed by this one. No spit, you guys! None! TRY A CREMO THERE’S NO SALIVA IN THERE!

We drink all we can. The rest we sell.

I mean, unless we drink them all. That's a distinct possibility, I'm not going to lie.

I mean, unless we drink them all. That’s a distinct possibility, I’m not going to lie.

This one’s for another beer I’ve never heard of. Utica Club. Is that Utica as in the city in New York? I’ve been to Utica. I had relatives there when I was little. I don’t remember them being all “we have our own beer here!”, though. This is a very good slogan and it is very honest. I would imagine the people who run this brewery are serious alcoholics, and they drink up most of their inventory. Except sometimes they pass out, and then someone sells some of the inventory to pay for that stuff the janitors used to use in elementary school to soak up the vomit before sweeping it up and it smelled worse than the vomit did, remember that stuff? “We drink a lot of beer here at Utica Club, but when we’ve had all we can, we’ll let you have some. I suppose. *Hiccup.*”

With a name like Smucker’s… it has to be good.

But does it? Does it really? Are you SURE?

But does it? Does it really? Are you SURE?

Smucker’s still uses this slogan and I call shenanigans. Why does it have to be good? Like, is there something magical about the Smucker name? Smucker’s makes a variety of jams and jellies. One of them is raspberry. I hate raspberry. There are too many seeds and if I find out there’s raspberry jam in something I’m eating, I’ll stop eating it because of those effing seeds. So therefore, I don’t find Smucker’s raspberry jam good. I HAVE DISPROVED YOUR SLOGAN. Also, does this slogan imply everything they do is good? Like, if one of the Smuckers’ boys, say Harold Smucker, decides to become a psychokiller who wears his victims’ ears around his neck like a cunning choker, does THAT have to be good? Would any court in the land have to let ol’ Hal go because of this slogan? No, I’m serious, someone help me out, here.

Now you know what it’s like to drive around with me in a car or to watch commercials with me. Mostly I say things like this to ads. Like, every few ads, I’ll start ranting about something random in the ad. I like the Geico Mayhem ads, though. They make me laugh. Good job, Geico.

I want a slogan. Can it be Lucy’s Football: Shut Up and Give Me a Popsicle? Because it is now. NEW SLOGAN!!!

I’m very good at this. Someone tell the ad firms to watch their back.

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

47 responses to “No. Not that one. NO. The other white meat. DAMMIT, THE OTHER ONE!

  • Emily Mo.

    There is an ad on TV here in NC for a discount carpet place…their slogan is ‘Buy it today, we’ll probably install it tomorrow’…makes me laugh every time I see it :)

    Like

  • mfennvt

    Carlsberg Elephant was my favorite beer for a while, when I was in college. I thought there used to be a Carlsberg brewery in Baltimore but google’s letting me down in my search. It did, however, lead me to this. Gender.Neutral.Beer. :/

    Like

  • Corvidae in the Fields

    I had walked a mile with a Camel, but that’s because I was pissed at someone and didn’t want see their face. I’m glad she walked a mile for that smoke. Did you see the look on her face? It’s obvious she was moments from losing a screw an wiping out an entire village of kittens. THAT CLOSE!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      A., I am in love with your username; it sparked a most excellent discussion between me and Andreas, my amazing Science Fellow.
      B., I, too, have walked that long and lonely mile. Totally understood.
      C. She DOES look like she’s about to either lose her shit or eat someone’s face. Agreed.

      Like

      • Corvidae in the Fields

        Why, thank you, football of Lucy’s! I relayed the message to my username, and it says it loves you back… and Andreas, for being more than just an average Science Fellow. Average Science Fellows are a dime a dozen, but AMAZING Science Fellows are like hen’s teeth. Don’t lose track of that one, or at least check the couch cushions if you do.

        Like

  • sj

    Burger King totally will make it your way, but you have to repeat it a thousand times and then check to make sure they put a line through ALL THE THINGS on the wrapper when they hand it to you.

    Because I eat things plain. People think I’m weird, but I do not like condiments (and now I can’t have vinegar, so it’s even worse) and they might get a little huffy, but then CHANGE YOUR DAMN SLOGAN!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      You can’t have vinegar? Oh, I like vinegar, that must make eating salads unfun for you. I’m totally glaring at your food issues right now. (But, no. I don’t think you’re strange. Because I live on chicken fingers, barbecue sauce, and fruit punch.)

      Agreed on the huffiness. I never ask for anything at a fast food place other than exactly than what’s on the menu because they’ve been so mean in the past. And forget ordering a coffee through the drive-through. “WHAT’S SPLENDA? IS THAT SUGAR? SO YOU WANT SUGAR IN THAT, THEN?”

      Like

      • sj

        The vinegar is a new thing. Like, within the last year. I use lemon or lime juice in salad dressings instead.

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          My favorite salad dressing (above all others) is Newman’s Olive Oil and Vinegar, and I would mourn the loss of it. But lemon or lime juice would be ok, I think. I like those.

          Like

      • greengeekgirl

        I am pleased to report that I have not gotten a surprise sweet tea in ages from McDonalds.. which is good because I am FREAKING ADDICTED to their unsweet tea. ADDICTED. Sometimes I buy two, because they are only a dollar and I work nao so I can afford two iced teas.

        Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    You’ve never heard of Carlsberg? Don’t they have Danish beers over there in the colonies? Carlsberg is the 5th biggest brewery in the world, you know. Here’s a typically sexist Carlsberg advert:

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I’m sure we do, I just don’t know beer. I sincerely haven’t had a single sip of it since the early 90s. Even the thought of it makes me grimace.

      I like that ad. Yes, it’s sexist. But it has VERVE, dammit.

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Also, whilst looking for that advert, I happened across this one. It features penguins:

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    I almost always ask for alterations when ordering food at Burger King and other fast food places. It’s amazing how many chicken dishes they try keep adding bacon to.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      That’s because bacon makes everything better, Andreas.

      Fine, fine, I know you don’t eat it, and I know why.

      Do they give you attitude about it over there? Here, they’re TERRIBLE about changing things at fast food places. I mean, they’ll do it, if you’re adamant enough, but you can never be sure they didn’t spit in it first, and there’s a lot of eye-rolling and sighing.

      Like

    • greengeekgirl

      They probably just figure, you know, bacon and chicken are both white meat. O_o

      Like

  • Nagzilla

    I love this. LOVE it. I had never heard of Carlsberg Lager (perhaps this is the reason) but their slogan cracks me up! And my Grandma used to make jokes about the Ivory slogan. “Yeah, 99 and 44/100 % pure- pure what? Cow shit is pure, so if it’s made of 99 and 44/100% pure cow shit, I’m still not going to use it.”

    Like

  • franhunne4u

    If consumers ever took the companies seriously with their advertising the companies would be neck deep in shit – and I mean headfirst.

    Like

  • grrgoyl

    You have used two of my favorite phrases here: “Old-timey” (cracks me up EVERY SINGLE TIME) and “Good grief” (don’t know why, it’s so wholesome yet conveys exasperation in the best way possible). Also, my new favorite adjective, “cunning,” which I’ve always been partial to, you just don’t see much of it. Unless you watch Firefly, that is.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I’m all about “good grief.” Also “for the love of Pete.” They’re my favorites.

      Cunning is a very good word. I don’t know if I get enough chances to use it. And I DO watch Firefly. Well, not recently. But I think it’s probably time for a rewatch soon.

      Like

  • thediarist.net

    This was hysterical and really reminded me of Demolition Man. (I think you would like that movie, if you haven’t already seen it.)

    grrgoyl has made me long for Firefly.

    That is all.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I don’t know if I have seen that movie!

      I always long for Firefly. Always.

      Like

      • the diarist

        It has Sylvester Stallone and Sandra Bullock and Wesley Snipes, which makes me wonder if they had a casting meeting where they were all “let’s put the oddest combination of major motion picture stars together that we can” but surprisingly, it works.

        Also, it has a great deal of referencey sorts of things for H’wood geeks. And it takes place in the future.

        Like

  • becomingcliche

    Best. Post. EVER! I used to hate the Sprite ads where they said “It’s got Limon.” Wasn’t Limon Jon Arbuckle’s roommate in Garfield?

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Jon had a ROOMMATE? Really? How am I forgetting a roommate? I remember Garfield and the unintelligent dog (who reminds me of Dumbcat) and he got a girlfriend at one point, which I found very confusing. Why would anyone date Jon?

      Limon is not a thing and Sprite is not allowed to make up a citrus fruit for its own amusement.

      Like

  • Charleen

    The one that gets me with the burger places is Hardee’s, because they don’t have hamburgers. They have “Thickburgers” (which is their Whopper, Big Mac, etc), and then if you don’t want everything that comes on there you can get a cheeseburger. And then lots of specialty burgers, BBQ and so forth, that are always changing… but anyway, I don’t like cheese on my burgers! So if I just want a plain hamburger, I’m like, “Yes, I’ll have one cheeseburger, hold the cheese,” and I feel ridiculous.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      They don’t just sell hamburgers? That’s very confusing and upsetting. Also, “Thickburgers” sounds vaguely naughty and I don’t know if I like that at all.

      Like

      • Charleen

        The first time I went, I was like, hmm, I don’t want a cheeseburger, so I guess I’ll get a thickburger and take off the tomato myself (which is what I usually do instead of trying to order things “my way” since tomato is fairly easy to get rid of) only to realize that the thickburger also has cheese on it. So, yeah, you can GET a hamburger, but it’s not actually on their menu. Which makes me sad.

        Like

  • Krysty

    I laughed like crazy :)

    Your post reminded me of this: “Tagaytay: Probably the Most Pleasant City in Asia!” <– the slogan for one of the cities in the Philippines. I mean, they're not sure, and if they're not sure, why even mention it, right? Why cast aspersions on your own slogan?

    (Carlsberg is tasty.)

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      The word “probably” makes me laugh. It’s like these people are afraid of being sued. “Probably you’ll like our product. But we can’t say it’s the best. I mean, WE think it is, but why open ourselves up to a lawsuit, you know? No one would like that.”

      Like

  • greengeekgirl

    Thoughts!

    I actually had the opposite reaction to the “I’d walk a mile for a Camel” ad. Unless it’s like.. windy and snowy, or all uphill, a mile isn’t really too terribly long for an able-bodied person. I’m unconvinced of the level of her devotion to Camels.

    Also, this is like, day 80 without smoking and now that it’s warm outside I totally want to buy cigarettes. MUST PERSEVERE.

    The pork slogan has always bugged me. SOME pork is sort of white-ish, I guess. But ham and bacon are TOTALLY not white meat. And the whole association with “white meat” is that it’s super-healthy, but like… most pork is not that lean. Which is why it is delicious. SO DELICIOUS.

    I am also confused about the Smuckers slogan. I’ve always thought it was kind of a dumb name, actually. Smuckers. Sounds like schmuck.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I wonder if the problem was that people were buying plenty of ham and bacon, but not enough pork (like, chops, roast, etc.) and that’s why they came up with the slogan? I recently discovered pork loin. How did I not know how delicious pork loin was until now?

      Like

      • greengeekgirl

        I lurve pork chops, but only with the bone in. I cook them like my memaw cooked them and it’s like being a kid again, but, you know, during the good-and-not-sucky times when I was a kid.

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          I have a weird thing against any meat with bones in it. I think it’s because once I had chicken that seemed ok, but then I took a bite and it was completely pink near the bone and I almost threw up and now I have a weird phobia against any meat with bones.

          That’s why I like pork loin. It’s all the deliciousness of pork chops without the bone! Yay for me!

          Like

  • Heather

    I order food like Sally (you know, the Sally whom Harry met)…even at Burger King. Hahaha! I don’t like ANYTHING on my burgers…no condiments, no cheese (unless I get a bacon cheeseburger, at which time I do like the cheese, but I don’t order bacon cheeseburgers from Burger King, only Wendy’s). SO. I have to order my Double Whoppers as “plain, no cheese,” and if I WANTED the sauce from a chicken sandwich on the burger, I wouldn’t hesitate to ask for it. I AM A PAIN. Hee!

    With that said, I haven’t eaten fast food in over a year, and I’m sure our local BK doesn’t miss me.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I think that’s brave. I’m afraid to ask for that because they’ve been so rude in the past when I’ve asked for the slightest change in anything I don’t bother anymore.

      Like

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