Today when I was driving home from work I was thinking about business slogans. I have no idea why. I have to assume there was one on the radio because I don’t drive past anywhere with a visible slogan on the way home. That’s because I purposely take this weird back way to get home that may or may not save me time but I get in a rut and then I don’t want to try new things. Also, it’s pretty back there. There are a lot of trees. And there are lilacs by the stop sign so if my windows are rolled down it smells lovely in the car. Yes, I realize there won’t always be lilacs. But there are lilacs NOW, so that’s NICE. Sheesh.
So, yeah, I have no idea what slogan I heard on the radio that made me start thinking about the fact that there are a lot of terrible slogans in the world. Businesses pay advertising executives a lot of money to come up with these things, and if you think about them, some of them are very, very stupid, and make very little sense, objectively.
Let’s discuss some slogans which I have totally helpfully found for you on the interwebs. Because I am helpful like that. Some of these seem outdated. We’re still going to DISCUSS them, I just don’t know that they’re CURRENT. Nice job, Wikipedia, for staying on top of the trends.
Did somebody say McDonald’s?
This apparently was an old slogan for McDonald’s. I think the current one is the “I’m lovin’ it” garbage or something, right? Anyway, I like “Did somebody say McDonald’s?” because the correct answer to this question is “No. Nobody said McDonald’s, George. We’re going to a REAL restaurant. If you want Big Macs, get them yourself on your lunch hour, you troglodyte.”
Have it your way.
I don’t understand this slogan, Burger King. Does anyone know anyone out there who walks into Burger King and custom-orders? Like, “I’d like the chicken sandwich, only with the sauce you put on the Whoppers, and can I get a side of barbecue sauce with my fries, and maybe instead of a vanilla shake, you could put just a little coffee in there, make it a mocha shake?” No. You do not do that, because IT IS BURGER KING. You order off the menu. If you even ask for no tomatoes they look at you like you’ve shit in the glove compartment. You don’t get it your way. You get it the way they made it before they wrapped it in that paper wrapping stuff and if you don’t like it, HIT THE ROAD, there’s probably a Taco Bell half a mile up.
I’d walk a mile for a Camel.
OK, this slogan is from 1921, mostly because I don’t think cigarettes are allowed to advertise anymore because THE CHILDREN THINK OF THE CHILDREN. But it’s also false. I don’t think any smokers could walk a mile for a Camel. Because of the coughing and out-of-breathedness. Also, why wouldn’t they drive or, well, it was 1921, take the horse and buggy over to the general store for a Camel? Why are you walking a mile for a cigarette anyway? You need to start stocking up on that shit the next time you hit town if you live that far away. You’re going to wear out your shoe leather, old-timey smoker person.
Ivory Soap – 9944/100% Pure.
I actually use and like Ivory soap because it’s one of the only soaps I can use on my special snowflake face that doesn’t make me a., turn bright red like a stop sign or b., break out like a leprosy victim. Sadly, this is not a joke. But I have often wondered what the 56/100% of my soap is. Is it bugs? Toxic chemicals? PEOPLE? IS SOYLENT GREEN PEOPLE? I’m honestly curious, here. Also, I find it funny that this is the slogan. “Ivory! We’re almost totally pure, except for that part that’s not, and we’d rather not talk about that!” Come to think of it, Ivory soap’s slogan and how I presented myself to my parents in college so they would continue to send me money now and then have a lot in common.
Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.
THIS IS TOTALLY WHAT I HEARD ON THE RADIO TODAY THAT STARTED ALL OF THIS! This jingle has been on a lot, and also there are commercials that make me laugh. So I guess it’s a good slogan in that it makes me giggle. But I don’t think their intended purpose is me singing the version I’ve come up with, which is “Like a good stalker, State Farm shows up when you least expect it!” because that’s what happens on the commercials and the radio ads. POOF! HERE’S STATE FARM! PEEKIN’ IN YOUR WINDOW AT NIGHT! JUST MAKIN’ SURE YOU’RE SLEEPIN’ OK!
Pork. The Other White Meat.
Other than the fact that this makes me giggle because it’s totally a euphemism, it is such a giving-up slogan, isn’t it? “Pork. You know. Pork? From pigs? Like, pork roast? Pork chops? No. Not wings. That’s chicken. NO. Not CHICKEN BREAST. Good grief. PORK, lady. THE OTHER WHITE MEAT!” “Dude. That’s our slogan. We’re gonna make MILLIONS!”
Probably the best lager in the world.
This is apparently a slogan for some beer named Carlsberg which I’ve never heard of. I don’t drink beer because of that time I almost died in college from drinking too much of it and now it tastes like a three-day hangover and vomitous shame to me, so I haven’t had any since. Yes. In over twenty years. That’s right. You’re a math whiz. Anyway. I think anyone who has the gumption to have “probably” in their slogan deserves an award. “We’re not SURE we’re the best lager in the world…but probably. Probably we are. I mean, there are other lagers. And those are fairly tasty. But we’re still pretty certain ours is the best. So…maybe put it in your mouthhole? See what you think? I mean, no pressure. Probably you’ll like it, but we can’t guarantee anything.”
There is no spit in Cremo!
In 1929 there were cigars called Cremo and this was their slogan. THIS IS THE BEST SLOGAN EVER. What kind of cigars were being sold BEFORE this? Spitty ones? Like, were all the cigars hand-rolled and then sealed with a loogie? I am utterly charmed, disgusted, AND perplexed by this one. No spit, you guys! None! TRY A CREMO THERE’S NO SALIVA IN THERE!
We drink all we can. The rest we sell.
This one’s for another beer I’ve never heard of. Utica Club. Is that Utica as in the city in New York? I’ve been to Utica. I had relatives there when I was little. I don’t remember them being all “we have our own beer here!”, though. This is a very good slogan and it is very honest. I would imagine the people who run this brewery are serious alcoholics, and they drink up most of their inventory. Except sometimes they pass out, and then someone sells some of the inventory to pay for that stuff the janitors used to use in elementary school to soak up the vomit before sweeping it up and it smelled worse than the vomit did, remember that stuff? “We drink a lot of beer here at Utica Club, but when we’ve had all we can, we’ll let you have some. I suppose. *Hiccup.*”
With a name like Smucker’s… it has to be good.
Smucker’s still uses this slogan and I call shenanigans. Why does it have to be good? Like, is there something magical about the Smucker name? Smucker’s makes a variety of jams and jellies. One of them is raspberry. I hate raspberry. There are too many seeds and if I find out there’s raspberry jam in something I’m eating, I’ll stop eating it because of those effing seeds. So therefore, I don’t find Smucker’s raspberry jam good. I HAVE DISPROVED YOUR SLOGAN. Also, does this slogan imply everything they do is good? Like, if one of the Smuckers’ boys, say Harold Smucker, decides to become a psychokiller who wears his victims’ ears around his neck like a cunning choker, does THAT have to be good? Would any court in the land have to let ol’ Hal go because of this slogan? No, I’m serious, someone help me out, here.
Now you know what it’s like to drive around with me in a car or to watch commercials with me. Mostly I say things like this to ads. Like, every few ads, I’ll start ranting about something random in the ad. I like the Geico Mayhem ads, though. They make me laugh. Good job, Geico.
I want a slogan. Can it be Lucy’s Football: Shut Up and Give Me a Popsicle? Because it is now. NEW SLOGAN!!!
I’m very good at this. Someone tell the ad firms to watch their back.