A good place to be lonely is the Walmart. Also, the turning down of awards!

In your world it is Thursday. Here, it is Monday. I had every intention to go to work this morning. However, I could not sleep last night. Not even a little. After tossing and turning and coughing up a lung (maybe both lungs) for a few hours, I finally fell asleep, but when the alarm went off, there was no way I could go to work today, because I was stumbling around like a zombie person and I couldn’t open my eyes and I was coughing and coughing and just wanted more sleep. MORE SLEEP. I was like a junkie and the only thing I needed? SLEEP. So I called off from work and went back to bed. And promptly slept for – ready for this? FIVE MORE HOURS. Yes. In total, I slept for about 11 hours last night/today. That is too much sleep. Or maybe just enough, I don’t know. I am attempting, today, to stay awake, in the hope that tonight I will be SO TIRED I can sleep normal hours and go to work tomorrow. I can’t miss MORE work due to a cold. This is ridiculous.

Also, I was supposed to see The Nephew tonight, and because I love him, I decided to cancel that. He doesn’t need my germs. It makes me sad, though. You know I love to hang out with my best little buddy more than almost anything.

So today Dumbcat and I are hanging on the couch watching bad television. I am trying to stay awake. He is not even trying. He’s been asleep all day long. Dammit, Dumbcat, way to be a good companion.

Today I have to mention that I have been nominated for THREE awards and isn’t that fancy? Yes, it is! Well, twice for the same award, but twice is twice, right? Right.

Most of you know my stance on awards. I find it very nice to be nominated, but I can’t accept them. Why can’t I accept them? Because they make you nominate a number of other blogs. And if you nominate other blogs, then you’re leaving some blogs out, and feelings get hurt. And I hate to hurt feelings. I hate to hurt feelings more than I hate to clean the litterbox, and that’s a lot, yo. So, as always, I am very thankful for the awards, and for thinking of me; it is most kind, and most appreciated.

So, the first award I have been nominated for is the Versatile Blogger Award. I feel like I’ve gotten this one before, right? I could go back and look but, well, sick. And kind of lazy. Sorry, world.

First I was nominated by meANXIETYme. Thank you!

Then I was nominated by Kat at Kat’s Den. And thank YOU!

Then I was nominated for the Very Inspiring Blogger award by Andrea at When in New Places. Also, thanks to YOU!

I am supposed to state seven things about myself and then nominate fifteen blogs. Well, I refuse to nominate anyone, as is my wont, and therefore I CANNOT ACCEPT THE AWARDS. Mostly because these things seem like a pyramid scheme, you see. I don’t like pyramids. All triangular like that. Sticking up out of the sand. Being all pointy.

SHADY!

SHADY!

I don’t know if there are seven things about myself you don’t already know, other than the things I’m not going to tell you because they’re mine. Oh, shush, we all get a few things that are ours. You can’t even tell me that you don’t keep some things just for yourself. So instead, here, I will tell you my top seven favorite cities in all the world that I have actually been in with my whole body. Yes, my whole body! Not just my toe.

  1. New York, NY
  2. Rome, Italy
  3. Albany, NY
  4. Sedona, AZ
  5. Santa Barbara, CA
  6. Rouen, France
  7. Baltimore, MD
New York wins! You are not at all surprised by this, are you? Didn't think so.

New York wins! You are not at all surprised by this, are you? Didn’t think so.

There you go. It’s LIKE seven things you didn’t know about me, only in NUMERICAL ORDER. (The top two haven’t changed since 1995. I’m pretty damn predictable.) Do I win going places? Yes. Also, I think it’s a sign I’m in the right place, life-wise, that where I live is in the top three. Because that means there are two places that are like dream vacation spots, but then coming home is in the top three. That’s good, I think.

So, in summation: thank you for the awards, ladies. I am honored and humbled, even though I can’t accept; the fact that I can’t accept is not at all your fault and completely mine. I so appreciate the thought, and give you many internet smooches for the gifting.

Before we go, let’s talk about a super-classy thing that happened here lately. And when I say super-classy, I mean like BEYOND classy. It makes me so proud I can’t even. CAN. NOT. EVEN.

(Props to sj for finding me that most excellent pie chart.)

So, Queensbury is about an hour from me. And in Queensbury, there is a Walmart. I mean, of course there is. Where is there not a Walmart? There’s probably a Walmart in Antarctica for all I know. (In that Walmart they would probably sell a lot of mittens.)

Apparently, you can get more than beef jerky and large boxes of Cheese Nips at the Queensbury Walmart.

Someone called the po-po and said, “You guys? There’s a Walmart employee doin’ the nasty back in the corner of the housewares section.”

Because nothing says "illicit sex" like a ton of flair on a blue vest.

Because nothing says “illicit sex” like a ton of flair on a blue vest.

So I guess one of the Walmart customers offered the employee some cash under the table if he…um…did a naked price-check for him in a corner? And the employee did? And then someone shopping for a new toaster was totally scandalized and was all “OMG MY EYES MY EYESSSSS” and called the cops and to jail the Walmart employee went, hopefully before someone had to call for a cleanup in aisle three.

I don’t know who to feel more pity for in this scenario, honestly. The employee, who is obviously making so little money that he had to take some (probably icky, let’s be honest) customer up on his offer of a quickie BJ in a corner? The customer who, for who-knows-what-reason decided to solicit a most-likely minimum-wage employee for sex at a Walmart? The customer who was going about his or her business and stumbled upon oral pleasure by the dishtowels?

Oh, Queensbury. This isn’t very regal behavior at all. Shame, shame. See, this is why I shop at Target. The most scandalous thing I’ve seen at Target recently is a price-check on some shampoo that was irregularly priced and a customer who was SO PISSED about that.

OK. I’m attempting to go to sleep at like 9pm tonight. Hopefully, by the time you read this, I am healthy and happy. Wise, I don’t know. I think that’s a lot to ask, to be honest. I’ll stick with healthy and happy for now.

Advertisements

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

21 responses to “A good place to be lonely is the Walmart. Also, the turning down of awards!

  • sj

    Wait, the employee performed or received? I AM SO CONFUSED!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      It SEEMS the employee was performing. I think. I’m a little hazy on the details myself. This was not a very good article. WE NEED MORE DETAILS ON THE FELLATIO, TIMES UNION!

      Like

  • aliceatwonderland

    Hahahaha, you do great work when you’re sick. I have a series of delirium inspired pneumonia posts myself. I used to do all the award stuff but like you, I don’t want to leave anybody out. So I just accept them and say everybody who reads can have them. Lazy but effective. And then I screw around with the rules and don’t answer the questions right. I’m such a rebel. I would probably cause a price check scandal at Target too.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      When I had the flu at the end of last year, I was the MOST delirious. I was sending emails that made no sense and having dreams that I was sure were real. It was worrisome. My fever getting up to almost 104 didn’t help.

      PRICE CHECK SCANDAL! I usually don’t even notice I’ve been overcharged until I’m home, then it’s too much work to go back. I’m the laziest.

      Like

  • Ashley Austrew

    Hope you’re feeling better. If not, just remember: you’re not blowing someone in a WalMart, so it’s still a good day.

    Like

  • the_lunatic

    Feel better little poppet. I love Walmart. I love the people of Walmart. I especially would have loved to see this sexual action at Walmart.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      You feel better, too! I worry about you!

      I don’t know what my reaction would have been, coming upon the naughty action in the Walmart. Probably inappropriate giggling, as that’s my reaction to most things of that nature. I wouldn’t have called the cops, though. Sheesh.

      Like

  • scottmac56

    Trust me when I say that blogging is the right thing to do @ these times.

    Like

  • Heather

    Some pretty funky things go on in those stores…maybe that store should be lucky it wasn’t something worse. :/

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Every store I’ve ever worked at (and every food establishment, blech) has had a lot of nastiness going on behind the scenes. I feel like if people knew what was going on, no one would ever leave the house again. Ever.

      Like

      • the diarist

        Do me a favour and if you ever decide to write about any of those, put an OCD warning on the front of the post for people like me. Because I’ll end up refusing to leave the house. So just picture me with my fingers in my ears going I can’t hear you. But instead, my fingers in my eyes? That doesn’t work.

        See? I need a warning.

        Like

  • kidfreeliving

    I don’t do those bloggy awards either for the same reasons, but it was nice of you to give a shoutout to the people who nominated you! I nominate you for the Nice Blogger Who Doesn’t Fall For Pyramid Schemes Award. It’s very prestigious.

    Like

  • greengeekgirl

    I definitely feel the worst for the Walmart employee. Pervy McPerverson could have found other outlets for his perviliciousness… and anybody who stumbles upon a bj in a Walmart and calls the cops, idk, I just can’t feel bad for them. The manager, sure. But the cops? That just seems excessive. But then again, the Walmart employee should have known somewhere better to hide, so idk.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      The whole thing is wrong on a lot of levels. Yeah, I’m also a little confused about who calls the cops about something like this. It seems like major overkill. I seriously would just giggle and move on to a new aisle. None of my concern, as long as the participants look old enough to be there, and no one’s crying out “save me, please!”

      Like

      • the diarist

        Trust me, these are people who have some serious emotional problems if they are so focused on other people’s johnsons. They’re at home right now telling and retelling the story to every person they can pin down. Their mail person is tiptoeing to their mailbox so they don’t have to hear this story AGAIN. They’re kids have all come down with the appendicites or food poisoning.

        Personally, I would have been worried the employee was being raped. But that’s where my head goes.

        Like

  • the diarist

    I’ve lived in New York, NY and in Sedona, AZ! That’s some sort of win!

    I’ve boycotted Walmart forever. But, um, ah. I find this disturbing on so many levels.

    Feel better!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Those are both wonderful places!

      I also boycott Walmart. I only go if it’s the only option in the entire town. And even then I scowl while I’m there.

      I’m better! Not 100% but mostly!

      Like

      • the diarist

        Glad you’re mostly better. Yeah, I’ve gone to Walmart two or three times, to run errands for someone who has to have everything from Walmart.

        The kids and the sister or something are the top richest people in the world.

        Like

%d bloggers like this: