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An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 22)

Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:

Here we are in April! The buds are on the trees and there are even some leaves and my car is covered in pollen and I am sneezing NONSTOP. Happy spring and happy spring allergies! Ah-choo! Also my eyes are itchy and I am so snuffly. But, spring, you know? It’s kind of a hard choice since I love the weather so much. So I use my nasal spray and foray out into the beautiful weather. It’s my favorite.

I know things have been wonky this month and we had the QUESTIONS before the SEARCH TERMS but sometimes that’s the way I roll. Like a covered wagon full of things like pots and pans and haunches of beef. But here we are, just in under the wire, on the very last day of the month. I didn’t let you down! I win!

So, just in case you’re new, let me catch you up on this recurring post. I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (this is the twenty-second one. That’s a lot of search terms, and also I’ve been blogging for a very long time, apparently. If you’re interested, search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? Eh, you know. Because it’s more fun than going for a jog, I guess? Also, more fun than cleaning the bathroom. Or yodeling.

Oh, dude, this guys LOVES to yodel. LOVES IT.

Oh, dude, this guys LOVES to yodel. LOVES IT.

So I’m going to break you down into categories and address you in groups. I hope you like everyone in your group, but you might not. That’s the nature of groups. Please try not to start fights with your fellow group members. It makes things awkward, you know? Then you’ll just run into that person all the time, like at the breakfast buffet, and you’ll have to avert your eyes, and you’ll get that weird tense stomach-feeling, so just don’t fight with your group members. If they get annoying, think of something nice to help you get by. Kittens. Rainbows. Lasers. Pom-poms. You know. Things like that.

Also, there aren’t as many this month, which is sad, as well as good, because I haven’t been sleeping, and if I can get this done, I can go to bed. That will be nice, won’t it? Yes. Yes, it will. And I only have one more day of work this week! Then SIX DAYS OFF!

Category the First: I’m…sorry? I think?    

my pan pipes arent working
the person who is usually at the top of my ‘people you may know’ list on facebook has disappeared

I found your pan pipes! This adorable little mouse has them!

I found your pan pipes! This adorable little mouse has them!

I would think if your pan pipes weren’t working, you’d be glad about that. Unless you’re Zamfir, I suppose. If you’re Zamfir, you kind of make your living groovin’ on the pan pipe. And who cares if the top person on your “people you may know” is missing? Mine change every time the page refreshes. Don’t everyone’s? That can’t be just me. I don’t think that person disappearing means there’s some sort of conspiracy or that person has died. It just means the page refreshed. Take a deep breath. All is well, merry sunshine.

Category the Second: I don’t think that’s a thing.    

the ninja aka hiv     

Is HIV being called “the ninja” now? I mean, I don’t know all the slang in the land, but I’m pretty sure it isn’t. I feel like I would have heard that somewhere or something, wouldn’t I? I’ve heard SOME of the slang. I’m not SO old. Like, I know about YOLO. I don’t LIKE it, but I’ve HEARD it. You can’t live on the internet and not know SOME of the slang. So I’m calling shenanigans on this slang, and I will quote Mean Girls to you now.

Category the Third: Weirdest porn search ever.

literotica—watching animals mate on grans farm

I think there’s a site CALLED Literotica, and I don’t have an issue with that. Well-written literotica is a nice thing. (TERRIBLE literotica, and I am looking at you, 50 Shades, is NOT a nice thing in the LEAST.) But someone wanted literotica about animals mating on their grandmother’s farm? Is that sexy? YES, I understand, everyone has their thing. But is watching animals get busy the hottest? I don’t get it. Plus, do NOT do a porn search with your grandmother’s name in it. GROOOOOSS.

Category the Fourth: Well, aren’t YOU judgey.  

weirdos wear transition lenses

RUDE! Not ALL people with Transition lenses are weirdos. Andreas wears them and he is one of the finest people on the whole planet and not at all a weirdo. And SOME of us who wear them just haven’t gotten around to going to the eye doctor and getting another eye exam and getting new glasses even though they have good insurance now but plan on doing it next month, ok? Sheesh.

Category the Fifth: Ha!

amy’s dad didn’t like muffins     
caught wearing slouch socks
ghosts on the ceiling
never trust man named after town
nightmares and my ex’s picture stuck on “people you may know” list when i log into facebook. not quite in that order 
she may not look like much, but she’s got the cheese where it counts, kid           
stats on how many people accidentally see porn

How do you know my dad doesn’t like muffins? I don’t think he dislikes muffins. I mean, I don’t have any super-awesome memories of my dad scarfing all the muffins, but he didn’t, like, throw the muffins at my mom if she ever made them or anything, either. No muffin-hate with Amy’s Dad. Promise.

Hee, “caught” wearing slouch socks. Like it’s a crime. I was caught wearing slouch socks a lot in the 80s. Often with stirrup pants and high-top sneakers. I WAS PRETTY!

OMG, ghosts on the ceiling. I’m pretty sure this is a misheard lyric of that “gold on the ceiling” Black Keys song. I say that because when I first heard it I thought it was “goat on the ceiling” and I laughed and laughed at the mental image of a goat on the ceiling until I found out it was gold and then I got bored.

Goat is better than gold, Black Keys. Why didn't you consult with me?

Goat is better than gold, Black Keys. Why didn’t you consult with me?

Hmm. We can’t trust a man named after a town. Why is that, exactly? Like, does his name make him suspect? Do we think he has an elevated sense of grandeur? This makes me laugh. Also, I don’t know if I know any men named after towns, and the only woman I can think of named after a town is Dallas Howard, and it’s not like we’re BFFs. I just feel kind of bad for her because who would want the whole world knowing your parents named you after the town where they boinked and you were the result, you know?

I like the wording of the next one. “Not quite in that order.” Are you having nightmares about Facebook? If so, you’re taking it too seriously. It’s just Facebook, jellybean. Block him from your people you may know and forget it.

Even me, who doesn’t like Star Wars, knows that’s a Han Solo quote. But where the hell does the cheese part of it come in? And I’d like that written on my tombstone when I die, please. I’d like to be remembered for having cheese where it counted.

“Accidentally” seeing porn? I think a lot of people SAY they accidentally see porn, but I don’t know that too many people DO accidentally see porn. I think it’s mostly on purpose. It’s what the internet is for, after all. Porn and kitten GIFs. Well, I guess I do, sometimes, accidentally see porn. I take that back. Because once and a while, Google image search is weird? And I’ll do a search for something like “shoehorns” and then there will be a full-on photo of people boning. I worry children are seeing these things and running to their parents all “MOM? IS THIS A SHOEHORN?”

Category the Sixth: Hmm.

beautiful oldmen’s penis

“oldmen’s” being all one word makes me laugh, and this search is oddly specific and I think will also make oldmen happy, so I guess it’s equal parts pervy and joyous. As most things on the internet seem to be.

Category the Seventh: Sigh. No. Not sexy pillowfights, either.

girls shirt accidentally comes open porn        

Shirts don’t often accidentally come open; women don’t spontaneously burst their buttons very often. Sorry to break it to you. Also, we don’t have naughty pillowfights and we don’t walk around naked and chatting about girly-things in the locker room and we don’t practice a lot of kissing on each other. Life isn’t often a porn. Or even a movie. Life is quite often very mundane, unless you work very hard to get some magic in there. MAGIC, I said. Not porn. There’s a difference.

Category the Ninth: Yep. I know.

and again, today i didnt sleep

I have been having severe sleep issues for about a week now. I feel like I’m sleepwalking through mud lately. I’m hoping eventually my body will give up and I’ll just crash out for a full night. We’ll see what happens. I’m not sure if I have too much on my mind or too many worries or too many memories are attempting to have a chat with me the minute I put my head on my pillow or what exactly is happening but it can totally cut it right the hell out now, please. I want to sleep. Soundly. Just once. Thanks.

Category the Tenth: Fun with foreign searchers!

ลิงหางยาว ตัวเมีย

I don't like this face. It scares me. MONKEYS ARE SCARY TO ME YOU GUYSSSS

I don’t like this face. It scares me. MONKEYS ARE SCARY TO ME YOU GUYSSSS

This means “long tailed female macaque.” Which is a monkey. And I hate monkeys. But oh, do I like it when I get fancy foreign searchers. I feel very continental and want to wear a beret and talk with an accent.

Category the Eleventh: Nah, that’s just the spring breeze. Here’s a sweater, you’ll be fine. 

you’re too cool for me now

Oh, darlin’. I could be in a deep freeze for a year and wouldn’t be too cool for anyone. I’m like the opposite of cool. I’m sweaty and out of sorts. Like, all the time. No one thinks I’m cool. Promise. PINKY SWEAR. We good? Good.

See? Not so many this month. But that means I have about an hour before I even have to get ready for bed, which is nice. Wish me sleepy-vibes. If I don’t get a good night’s sleep soon, I might DIE. Fine, I’m exaggerating. But I’m about to get totally cranky. Oh, also, I’m going to see Les Miserables tonight and for Mexican, so yay, theater and food!

Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.

Love, Me.

(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

37 responses to “An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 22)

  • scottmac56

    “I could be in a deep freeze for a year and wouldn’t be too cool for anyone.”

    Stealing.

    Like

  • xdanigirl

    These are my fave posts!! Oh my gosh!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE them!! Gah! They are amazing. I will have to do one as soon as I a) figure out how to find the search terms and/or b) some one stumbles across my blog with a random search term!!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      You can find your search terms! Just go to your dashboard, on the bottom right is that little thing that tells you how many hits you got today, click on the…um…more detail or something button on the bottom right of that, and a whole screen will open up with search terms, countries that read you, clickthroughs, followers, all kinds of things! I bet you get a LOT of random searchers and don’t even know it!

      Like

  • the diarist

    I wanted so badly to be good at yodling when I was a kid. I don’t know why.

    ALSO? You’re so cool everyone’s welcome. Which is what the real cool people are like.

    Like

  • franhunne4u

    Scientists recommend against insomnia to leave a night out – yes, not sleeping at all – and then not go to bed the next night before 1 am – yes, you are reading this correctly. (Could not believe that, when I heard it for the first time)
    After that it is out of bed not after 5 am – tough – after FOUR hours. Sounds harsh?
    It goes on, for about 14 days, change your life to inconvenience:
    Not sleeping during day times. Not the tiniest nap. No matter how tired you are.
    No coffee several hours before bedtime.
    No TV from two hours before bedtime.
    No TV in the bedroom at all – keep it for sleeping. Same goes for computer or any kind of display! That light erading from there is disturbing our sleeping hormones.
    Do not take a shower directly before going to bed – that just makes your system active. Baths are ok.
    I personally like valerian “tea” to calm down. Do not use alcohol, as sleep after alcohol is not a good kind of sleep. Not very refreshing.

    Slowly increase the amount of sleep, after the first night. Stay to a strict regimen, till you find the right number of hours – should be somewhere between 5 and 9 hours.

    This method has helped some people. Just saying …

    Build up a new bedtime routine and try to stick to it. Reading some book or listening to relaxing music, taking a bath, some people meditate.
    Writing an analog diary can help you to put away what worries you. Put your sorrows and anxieties “to sleep in a notebook” – and sleep without them in your bed.

    And IF you are wide awake in the middle of the night – do not stay in bed. Wide awake means you are unable to sleep – so do something to get yourself calm again – do not watch TV, do not drink alcohol … go somewhere cosy, write a letter, read a book (preferably not an E-Book, remember, displays … preferably not too adventurous).
    Or – well, you know the four letter word, starting with W, I’d rather not write – that action is relaxing too …
    Do accept you are awake for now. Do not try to force sleep upon you after waking up in the dead of the night.
    No “Oh holy S.. I’ve got to sleep” – when you can’t you can’t – go some place else and be awake. Have I mentioned it before? No display usage . ;)

    Those are just recommendations. You can try them or leave them. A digested anti-insomnia-programme. The long version takes you to a sleeping laboratory, costs you a nice amount of money – and in the end might come up with the same results. :P
    OK, I sound like a weird Dr. Knowitall – just – my sister had the same advice from her therapist. I am just passing on what she got and what helped her. No, she did not try out EVERYTHING!
    And I am passing around what I saw on TV (not before bedtime though) or read on the internet (far too close to my bedtime, but I have no probs falling asleep).
    To be constantly sleep deprived is a ‘privilege’ of new mothers if you ask me, which you don’t …

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I have tried quite a few of these things, but mostly, I just go in spurts where I can’t sleep, and have since I was in my teens. It’ll pass. It always does. But thank you!

      Like

  • aliceatwonderland

    I love, love the search terms. Lately I’ve been stalked by a bunch of Dragon Tales fans. No idea why but they all come to my blog. Also, I may have been visited by the animal mating guy – he was looking for “sexy pony pics.” Hmm.

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    I’m a bit of a weirdo. I blogged about that a while back: http://heinakroon.com/2013/01/15/proud-to-be-weird/. I’m ok with that though.

    Like

  • Ashley Austrew

    I want to know what it means to have cheese where it counts. Also, is my shirt going to accidentally come open and result in me being in porn? Do I need to worry about this now? And what a weird thing to get off on. It’s not just boobs, it’s like this whole scenario of like, “oh whoops, my nipples are exposed.” But I guess not as weird as those animals mating on the farm literotica or whatever?

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      For me, having cheese where it counts is in my stomach. Tonight I had quesadillas, which totally had cheese where it counted – in my mouth, then in my stomach. YUM.

      I know, now I worry. Will I be porny today? Will my buttons burst open? HOW WILL I DEAL WITH THE PAPARAZZI?

      (I get even worse terms than this, but I don’t put up the really gross ones, because THINK OF THE CHILDREN!)

      Like

  • Kris

    Sorry to hear you’re not sleeping well. That’s the pits!! I’ll send you wonderful “SLEEEEEEP” vibes tonight. I’m sure that will help! ;-)

    Like

  • mrclaybanks

    pan pipes? please explain?

    Like

  • Nerija S.

    By “transition lenses,” do they mean the ones that turn into sunglasses when you go outside, and then you go inside and they turn back into regular glasses? Because if those search term writers think people who wear magic glasses that turn into sunglasses and back again are weird…well, I’m GUILTY AS CHARGED HAHAHAHAHA :-D

    Then again, I was weird before I even started wearing glasses, transitioney or otherwise.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Yep, that’s the kind of glasses. I have them. (And I hate them, but that’s my own fault for buying them.)

      Like

      • Nerija S.

        Aww, you don’t like them? I love having automatic sunglasses. Sure, they do take a minute to change back when I go inside, so everything looks dark, but it’s still better than the time I put on my prescription sunglasses and forgot to bring along my regular glasses, and went to the movies, and had to sit through Planet of the Apes (2000) with sunglasses on :/

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          I hate them because they’re terrible and they make me look like a stoner. But it’s just the glasses, not ALL transitions lenses. I just need new glasses soon.

          Like

          • Nerija S.

            Ah, so it’s the frames?

            Like

            • lucysfootball

              No, it’s a long story…I wanted the transitions for the car. But I didn’t know they don’t work in the car. And the lady at the store lied to me and told me they did. So it was a total bait-and-switch. I also hate that I am wearing sunglasses in every outside photo. New glasses for me soon.

              Like

  • becomingcliche

    I have got cheese where it counts. In my refrigerator. Because when it’s not in the fridge, it’s kind of gross. We have cats and all.

    Like

  • Charleen

    Okay, I know I am way behind here, but OMG stirrup pants!

    Like

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