I know, search terms are supposed to come FIRST and questions are supposed to come SECOND. But I have very limited time to write tonight because I have to get to bed for work tomorrow, then I have to leave work EARLY and drive to my WEEKEND OF FUN WITH FRIEND C. where we will have LITERARY ADVENTURES and THEATER ADVENTURES and so therefore I really should get to sleep at some point, right? Right. So, questions first, search terms probably…Monday? Tuesday? We’ll see what happens. Things are all over the place this week, just bear with me. NO NOT THAT KIND OF BEAR. Put away those tranquilizer darts, kooky.
(Psst, I’m going to see Owen King tonight, and I am SO EXCITED. I just finished his book Double Feature – which I LOVED – and now I get to see him read from it, and get him to sign my book. Here, if you want to read my review, please do! And you could do worse than to read the book. It was really one of my best reads this year so far.)
So, in case you don’t remember, or are new here, here’s a quick rundown of what’s happening. Because usually we do this in flippy-floppy order and I’m not STATUSING the QUO this month. I know. Things are all topsy-turvy. Know why? Cause I’m a super-fancy travellin’ lady now, all out in the world kickin’ up my heels.
Because the search terms posts tend to be insanely long (that one’s coming, I promise), I break them up into two posts: an open letter to people who find my blog accidentally and a post with just the QUESTIONS that drive people to my blog. And I answer those questions to the best of my ability, and I give advice, some of which is more serious than the rest. And it is awesome. I think. It’s awesome, right? Yes. Yes, it is, I just decided that right now.
So, yet again!
Kind-of-sort-of Ask Lucy.
Subtitled: I CAN ANSWER THAT!
These are all ACTUAL SEARCH TERMS that brought people to my blog. So these people totally need my help, obviously, because they came to Google SEARCHING FOR HELP. And they obviously didn’t find it, because they ended up here. How this happened, I do not know. Maybe magic. Do you think it was magic? I like to imagine a lot of things I can’t figure out are due to magic. It makes Andreas’ head all explodey when I do that.
am i stupid to listen internet? please tell. To listen TO the internet? Is it talking to you? Or are you talking about listening to the people ON the internet? I would say, SOMETIMES listen to the people on the internet. Like, don’t believe everything you see on Wikipedia (or Fox News) but if you have friends online, they’re pretty reliable. ESPECIALLY if you have a Science Fellow. You can always trust your Science Fellow. Or MY Science Fellow.
Seriously, if you people have science questions, you can send them to me? And I will have Andreas answer them. It could be like a new thing we do here. I would totally be down with that. I haven’t asked Andreas but I’ve decided he would love that. YOU WOULD LOVE THAT WOULDN’T YOU, ANDREAS? (He would.) We’re way off topic, here. No, you’re not stupid, but don’t be gullible, jellybean, because that leads to bad things like being catfished. You’re welcome, trust your instincts.
are norway and finland different countries Oh, seriously? I totally pre-emailed Andreas about this but he’s sleeping so I don’t know what his answer is. But I would guess it would not be pleased, or perhaps just a sigh. YES. Norway and Finland are DIFFERENT COUNTRIES. With people in them! Of different nationalities! Norwegians and Finns! And by asking me this question, you are embarrassing me, Andreas, and wherever you went to school. And also your ability to use Google. And your brain. You’re welcome. You make me sad.
UPDATE! Andreas is awake and sent me the following information: “Funnily enough, they were the same country once, back in the day of the Union. They became separate countries again in 1905. Still, that’s more than a hundred years ago, and people should be used to that by now.” See how he knows all the things? It’s kind of amazing and wonderful to me.
SECOND UPDATE! I accidentally emailed Andreas that the search term I got was “Are Norway and Sweden different countries?” and therefore that’s what his answer was based on. My most abject apologies. It was my original email that was wrong, not his answer. In my defense, I was SO TIRED that night. I made a lot of email mistakes. These things sometimes happen. I haven’t been getting enough sleep. I need 24 hours to recharge, I think. SORRY ANDREAS!
can a ventriliquist stalk you with their trickery This made me laugh so hard. WITH THEIR TRICKERY! No, probably they can’t stalk you with their trickery, but they could stalk you, because how mentally stable could someone be who uses a weird doll to say things to you? Not so mentally stable, is my thought. *shudder* You’re welcome, avoid those people, ok? For safety’s sake.
could rocky and roxxxy have sex together? OK, for people that need the backstory, a while ago, I blogged about these sex dolls named Roxxxy and Rocky? And I have gotten SO MANY HITS on that foolish post over the past year? And it’s kind of creepy, honestly? But anyway, could they have sex together, is the question on the table. On the table is most definitely a euphemism. I suppose they COULD, but probably not without a lot of help from you. If they became sentient and had sex, well, that’d be creepy as hell, because then they’d probably murder you. While you slept. And watch you with their dead, dead eyes. You’re welcome, you should probably get a hobby or something. That doesn’t involve sexxx dolls.
how to draw a girl fall down Um…draw a girl who’s walking, and then tip the paper on its side? You’re welcome, I think that’s a brilliant answer, to be honest.
how to upset people on facebook Post about politics. Or guns. Or hating women. Or that you hate kittens. Or post constantly. Or never post. Or like everything. Or never like anything. Or misspell things. Or put up a bunch of those TERRIBLE POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS THAT MAKE ME BLOCK YOUR ANNOYING ASS. Ahem. There. That was helpful. You’re welcome, but why do you want to be annoying?
what does it mean when a bird brain is peaking in your window Um. I’m…is it a person? Is a person peeking in your window? I’m kind of confused. Are you calling a person a bird brain? And what does it MEAN? It means you have a peeping Tom, and you need to call the COPS, you weirdo. It’s not like a PORTENT. It’s a MISDEMEANOR. You’re welcome, get some curtains.
what is the female equivalent to truck nutz OMG, well, I would assume it would be Truck Ovariez, but DO NOT HANG THEM FROM YOUR TRUCK. First, no one would know what they were, because ladies keep their nutz on the INSIDE. Second, THAT IS NOT CLASSY STOP IT. You’re welcome, stop hanging shit from your trucks.
what is the name of a childs game from 90s where you whack things that pop up with an hammer Sheesh, I don’t know. Whack-a-Mole? Was there a home version of Whack-a-Mole?
OMG APPARENTLY THERE WAS. How much do I want this right now? I always wanted to play Whack-a-Mole at the fair but Dad said carnival games were for suckers. SUCKERS! You’re welcome, now I want this, dammit.
who has had sex with roxxxy? SO MANY PEOPLE ARE ASKING ABOUT A YEAR-OLD POST. The people who have had sexxx with Roxxxy are, I would think, sad? And lonely? Or just really like plastic sexxx dolls with dead plastic faces. You’re welcome, maybe try online dating or something? Those dolls are expensive, yo.
why do i get someone you may know on facebook did they request me as a friend Here we go with the Facebook questions. Why doesn’t Zuckerberg just hire me, I’m just about the expert on this shit by now. NO, they didn’t request you as a friend. They are either there because they’re a friend of a friend or they’re a random person Facebook thinks you might want to know, I guess. Facebook works in mysterious ways, what can I say. You’re welcome. Please stop obsessing over the people you may know. They mean nothing, I promise.
why i am seeing myself on facebook’s people you may know Now THIS is a new one on me. Either Facebook is glitchy and wants you to friend yourself (heh, I do think we all should be our own best friends, sometimes) or someone has STOLEN YOUR IDENTITY or I don’t know what the hell. Maybe just someone with your name? Weird. You’re welcome, send me a screenshot of that shit, I’m honestly curious.
why is chris porco called the romeo killer? he is very unattractive Nah. He’s not unattractive. He’s just a normal looking kid. But as to why he’s called the Romeo killer, he wasn’t called that. LIFETIME called him that. Because it made the movie sound better. You’re welcome, I’m glad I could clear that up. I wouldn’t want people here in the Capital District to be thought of as people who thought that kid was a Romeo.
why on fb a sign pops up that says people are spying on me! Because! It is a scam! Designed to put a virus! On your computer! Don’t click it! Or you will get a virus! You’re welcome! I like your exclamation points!
Whew! That was a lot of questions! Not all of which were very intelligent, if I’m being honest. You all need to stay in school, seriously. And also maybe read a book or two? Just a thought.
Until next month – may all your questions be answered by someone HELPFUL and also FUN and who has a DUMBCAT on her LAP! Oh, wait, that is ME ME MEEEEE!