Cat-wars and roadtrips and sports follies: a day of random goodness, part two

Welcome back, friends! And enemies, I suppose, but I hope none of you are enemies. How distressing would THAT be? I don’t want my enemies reading this. ENEMIES! Be OFF with you!

Yesterday we discussed SOME things, today we will discuss MORE things. I know. I have lots of things to tell you. What can I say, I live a life of excitement and mystery. Except since I tell you all about it, there’s not so much “mystery” as there is “no mystery at all.”

World War Flea

Update on the Newcat/Dumbcat situation: Newcat continually attacks Dumbcat. Dumbcat used to just cower in the corner and make pathetic noises that made my whole heart ache, but he apparently is tired of that, so now he’s standing up for himself and HISSING and SPITTING and BATTING HIS LITTLE ARMS IN RESPONSE. Then I break it up because I’m afraid someone’s going to get hurt. Newcat still loves me and follows me around like a little smitten kitten. The other night, the cats decided to play King of the Mountain. Guess what was the mountain? My hip. Under the covers. In bed. First Dumbcat wanted to sleep with me. Then Newcat decided SHE wanted to sleep with me. So she leapt into the bed. MUCH FIGHTING MUCH HISSING MUCH SPITTING! And I was half-asleep so I said “mrph stop cut it out so tired” and then whoever lost tumbled off the bed and whoever won settled in. It was dark, I’m not sure who was the victor. Then like an hour later, THE LOSER DECIDED TO CHALLENGE THE WINNER TO A REMATCH! So another leap! MORE SPITTING AND MORE HISSING! More me saying “why is what is this stop no please what?” This happened pretty much hourly all night long. Luckily they seem to have discovered a victor because it didn’t happen again the next night.

This obviously exhausts Dumbcat. What a tough life, aw. (Also, that FACE! Isn't he so squishable?)

This obviously exhausts Dumbcat. What a tough life, aw. (Also, that FACE! Isn’t he so squishable?)

Then today I got home from work and they’d knocked everything off the end table and unplugged all the cords for all the things I had plugged in, so apparently they worked together to save electricity or something. I’m not quite sure what happened there. Thanks? I think? Maybe?


Dad’s on his annual pilgrimage to Florida as we speak. He just arrived. He took off Saturday night and arrived this morning. (Well, MONDAY morning for you. I’m writing this days ago. Sorry to break your brain.) He bought a total old-man car for the trip. He’s been driving a really old car that pieces fall off of for the longest time, and FINALLY listened to his daughter and got a new car. Well, it’s not NEW, it’s a little old, but it’s totally a huge silver Buick. I have been picking on him about this for DAYS. “Dad, you have to drive down the middle white line with a car like that at 30 miles per hour on the highway, that’s the rule for cars like that,” I tell him. “NOT FUNNY I AM NOT OLD,” he says.

I found this photo on something called "Classy Cars." Hee! Classy = OLD PERSON CAR.

I found this photo on something called “Classy Cars.” Hee! Classy = OLD PERSON CAR.

Now he is in his condo for the next month. Apparently this condo is decorated in the best of 60s chic and the walls are all mirrored and he said that was scary and when he wakes up in the middle of the night to pee he’s going to think there’s a robber in the house but it’ll really be him. “You could put a positive spin on it and think you’re having a party,” I said. “I HATE PARTIES,” he grumbled.

Not Dad's condo. But probably similar. Look out for robbers!

Not Dad’s condo. But probably similar. Look out for robbers, Dad!

He also told me this story. Background: his brother and his sister-in-law are staying in the next condo (my godparents, Uncle D. and Aunt M.), and his sister and his brother-in-law are staying in the OTHER next condo (my aunt G. and uncle P.) They all went out to happy hour, so I think they might have all been a little tipsy.

Dad: So P. and I went over to get D. and knocked on the door, but no one answered.
Me: OK. Maybe they went out.
Dad: They did not. Their car was in the lot.
Me: Maybe they went for a walk on the beach.
Dad: No. I tried the door and it was unlocked.
Me: Sheesh, homebreaker, way to barge in.
Dad: P. said, “I bet they’re doing it.”
Me: DAD. I do not need to hear about my godparents DOING it.
Dad: People still do it when they’re godparents, Amy.
Dad: That’s not very many times. Why two?
Me: They have two children. Two times. Done done done.
Dad: People who are married do it.
Dad: So when P. said “I bet they’re doing it” we ran away and also were laughing.
Me: You ran away giggling like teenagers?
Dad: Not GIGGLING. We’re not young GIRLS. We were LAUGHING. Like grown-up MEN.
Me: This story makes me laugh. Maybe Aunt M. was in the shower and Uncle D. was out on the patio looking at the ocean.
Dad: Stop pretending they weren’t doing it.

I was looking for something funny related to doing it and this has NOTHING to do with that, except extraneously, but OMG did this make me laugh like a moron.

I was looking for something funny related to doing it and this has NOTHING to do with that, except extraneously, but OMG did this make me laugh like a moron.

Also, Dad had a very funny joke, courtesy of HIS dad, who I sadly never got to meet but I would have loved so much because he was intelligent and very funny. See, Dad was held up in an accident-related traffic jam on the Virginia-North Carolina border. It was a huge accident. 6 people (I think?) died and 70-some were hospitalized because the highway was foggy and people just kept running into each other.

So Dad and I were talking about how if the weather was really bad, is it better to stop if you can’t see? Or is it better to keep going? Because both ways, you’re probably screwed. You stop, someone hits you. You keep going, someone hits you (or you hit someone. Or go off the road. Or hit a sign. Your options are unlimited, really.)

Dad said, “Did I ever tell you the story my dad told me about driving in really bad weather?”

Dad never tells me stories about his father. They make him too sad. So this was very exciting. No, I said, he hadn’t told me that story.

“Well, Dad said that you’re supposed to always keep an eye on the white line in bad weather, or when it’s dark. So you can stay in your lane. It’s your guide. Well, one night, this guy he knew was in bad weather. So he kept his eye on the white line. Kept his eye on the white line for a long time. Until, BAM, he smashed into the back of a truck. It wasn’t a white line. It was a milk truck that had been leaking.”

The moral of the story is, the white line is a nice guide, but also look up once and a while. Or that milk trucks are leaky, maybe.

The moral of the story is, the white line is a nice guide, but also look up once and a while. Or that milk trucks are leaky, maybe.

I laughed. That was a good story.

“I’m pretty sure Dad made that up. But you didn’t interrupt him when he was telling a story. Because he was the best storyteller in the whole world.” Dad was quiet for a minute. “Until you. Now there’s you.”

Then I got sniffly and blamed seasonal allergies.

You’re welcome, Syracuse fans

So remember we talked about my excellent bracket-picking skillzzzzz? As of this point, my brackets are the most busted. I am in last place in the group I’m in to win a gift card (which might mean I have to buy the gift card for the winner – Dad is quite sure that’s how it works, even though I told him I was pretty sure it’s not) and I’m losing to Dad in our group (but we still could both win – I’ve got Louisville to win the whole thing, and he has Syracuse, so it’s still up in the air. So I might be buying him a McDonald’s meal – or I might be getting one bought for ME! Whoo-hoo! Come on, Louisville!)

Hee, I assume this is one of the coaches, but he looks like an orchestra conductor.

Hee, I assume this is one of the coaches, but he looks like an orchestra conductor.

In Jim‘s group, I’m out (I think I’m third-to-last) and Dad can’t win, although he did better than I did. Jim’s doing pretty well but I don’t know if he can win, either. Dad is VERY DISPLEASED he is losing to the guy who is dead to him.

“I think he’s using cyborgs,” he said.

“Cyborgs? What?” I replied.

“All the people we’re playing against in that group, that are beating us: he made them up. They’re not real. They’re cyborgs.”

“They’re half-human, half-robot people?”

No one told me I'd be playing against cyborgs!

No one told me I’d be playing against cyborgs!

“No. They’re IMAGINARY,” Dad said, exasperated.

“Well, if they’re imaginary, they might be CYBER, but I don’t think they’re CYBORG,” I said.

“You make up a lot of words,” Dad said. “Whatever they are, all I know is, that guy is about fifty times more dead to me than he was when we started this. He’s cheating. CHEATING ON BASKETBALL! With CYBORGS!”

Oh, this is bad, Jim. When you decided you were going to create a half-human, half-robot army to cheat at basketball, I don’t think you understood the can of worms you were going to open. SO! MANY! WORMS! JIM!

Jim asked me on Facebook if HE was a cyborg, and I told him no, of course not, as all my internet people are female truck drivers. “Female CYBORG truck driver,” Jim replied.

Touché, Jim. Touché.

Also, I want to extend my warmest “you’re welcome” to the Syracuse fans out there. Because I didn’t choose your team, they have made it to the final four. If I HAD chosen them, they would have lost. Dreadfully. A long time ago. Possibly while holding up a sign saying “Sorry, Amy, you should have known better.” So, Syracuse fans, you are WELCOME. I will take any thank-you gifts you have to offer, such as chocolate, cute pajamas, or CAT TREETZ. (I didn’t type that last one. I think you can guess who did. His name starts with Dumb and ends with cat. Don’t be taking over my keyboard just to get yourself treats, bub.)

There! Whew! Two days of ALL THE THINGS OF RANDOMNESS! Now it is…Wednesday? Yes. Most assuredly Wednesday. Happiest of Wednesdays to you all. You and you and EVEN YOU.

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

21 responses to “Cat-wars and roadtrips and sports follies: a day of random goodness, part two

  • 35JupiterDrive

    Stories of your dad make me laugh a lot. And sometimes, like the comment that gave you allergies, they make me wistful and more than a little jealous. I could go for a right wing father who thought the sun rose and set by me, even if I didn’t agree with him politically at all! Your dad’s the best.

    I don’t really understand why the cats are fighting each other because I didn’t realized that crossed sexual lines? Dumbcat’s the most beautiful, Amy. Tell him I said so, but say it quietly because Newcat is also beautiful and I don’t want to be dead to Newcat.


    • lucysfootball

      He really is the best. I love him. And I know I’m so lucky.

      I don’t know why, either. Newcat haaaaaates Dumbcat. She likes me about 99% of the time, except when she hates me and tries to eat my face. She’s got some issues, that girl.

      I’ll let Dumbcat know. He really is a beautiful boy. Newcat is very pretty, too. I have some lovely furry friends here.


  • sj

    Awwww, I totally heart Amy’s Dad. I love that he said you were the best storyteller. This makes my heart feel super happy.


  • xdanigirl

    Oh. My. Gosh! That just made my day!! Your dad is so funny!!
    But! Take your cat story and replace Dumbcat with a three pound Chihuahua and Newcat with a German Shepard/Labrador puppy that’s like 100 times the Chihuahua’s size. And replace your hip with the floor. And know you have my house with the winner being the Chihuahua. So! I totally understand!! Heehee!! (I will have to tell the whole story sometime! It’s pretty great!)
    And I’m the same way with any sport. Whatever team I pick loses horribly!!


    • lucysfootball

      My dad’s great. He makes me laugh more than anyone.

      The chihuahua won? Hee! That would make me laugh! Your dogs sound adorable!

      I have the worst luck with sports. I’m a little better when I go to the track and pick horses, but not much.


      • xdanigirl

        The Chihuahua almost ripped my dog’s eyelid off!!! It was crazy!! Sadly this was like a year ago and I don’t have either dog anymore ): so no more fun animal stuff.
        I just don’t even try when it comes to sports. I let my husband handle all that!


  • grrgoyl

    OMG Your tale of the kitty battles made me ROFL. I have two cats as well. Most of the time they seem completely indifferent to each other. But twice a day, once at 6 am and once at 10 pm (honestly, you could set your watch by it), they CAN’T STAND EACH OTHER and don’t care who knows it. My girl cat (Kitten) makes these noises like she’s being flayed with razor wire, and when we run to investigate, the boy cat (Logan, named for his Adamantium claws) is 10 feet away from her LOOKING AT HER and this is grounds for war. I would love to know what’s going on in the kitty brains and why it must be every single day, only at these special times.


    • lucysfootball

      Mine can NEVER stand each other. Not even a little bit. They stay away from each other most of the time, but when they accidentally come across each other – look out! Fur’s a-flyin’! I’m hoping it will calm down soon. It’s been a little less than a month now, and it did take almost three months for my first two to get along. Here’s hoping!


  • Kris

    Amy’s Dad stories are the best! And I think it’s just so awesome that you have such a great relationship. Something to be treasured, for sure!

    I’m sending the link for this to my sister, who recently got two new kitties, to go with the two cats she already has. (Can you say “cat lady”?) She’s having the same bed-fighting issues. She’s moving to the guest room where there is a bigger bed, in hopes of reducing some of the conflict. The jury’s still out…


    • lucysfootball

      If the fighting keeps happening, I have to shut the door when I go to bed, I suppose. I hate doing that – one of them likes sleeping in the bedroom chair – but my sleep is more important. It’s tough to go to work when you’ve been up every hour fending off the War of the Kittehs.


  • RebeccaScaglione - Love at First Book

    Um I hate mirrored walls! They remind me of my grandma, since she used to live in a place with mirrored walls. My parents bought a condo and it has mirrored walls!!! I told my mom it’s awful and she needs to get rid of the walls. But nooooo. . . they renovated the kitchen instead. The kitchen does look good, but mirrored walls need to go! They scream old person! (and robbers! ;))


  • Heather

    I AM IN FIRST PLACE IN MY BRACKET GROUP. Thank you, cutie pie ‘Cuse boys! Hahaha!

    If it comes down to a game between Syracuse and Louisville, Syracuse is sooooo going to win. I give you my condolences now. Hee!


    • lucysfootball

      Seriously, this is the first year none of my brackets have Syracuse going all the way through, and the first year I’ve played they’ve done this well. Correlation? Yes.

      Although I want to win, I’d be happy if Syracuse wins. They’re still my fellas, even if I didn’t pick them this year.


  • Jeff

    Your blog is becoming one of the high points of my day. I love the cat story. Of course, being an owner of multiple cats (I say that with tongue firmly planted in cheek, because we all know that no one truly owns a cat), I have experienced similar power plays.

    And yes . . . that car definitely looks like an old-person-car.


    • lucysfootball

      Aw, thank you! You know what they say about flattery. It will get you EVERYWHERE.

      There was a gigantic fur-flying catfight here earlier tonight. Dumbcat is sleeping very velcro-like to my leg to recover from it. It was apparently very traumatic.

      Hee, Dad’s totally an old person. But I’m glad he has a reliable car, finally. That last one was a deathtrap.


  • becomingcliche

    My husband had a car like that. It was green. We called it the Pimp-mobile. For obvious reasons.

    Around here it’s not safe to just follow the line because when they spill the line-drawing paint, they LEAVE IT THERE. I’ll post a pic sometime. It’s ridiculous!


    • lucysfootball

      I had one, too. My dad bought me a used Buick. It was the funniest car I’ve ever owned. It took up ALL of the road. Unfortunately, it had major electrical issues that caused it to just stop working when it was supposed to be driving, so I had to get rid of it. It had a THERMOMETER! So you knew the outside temperature! And AIR CONDITIONING! And a CD PLAYER! Sigh. I miss those things. I was so fancy for a little while.

      Hee! I want to see the spilled line paint. I can just imagine someone trying to follow it and getting all confused, like it was a maze!


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