Advertisements

Only fools rush in. Unless I stab them with a letter opener. Less rushing, more bleeding.

One thing kids like is to be tricked.  For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse.  “Oh, no,” I said.  “Disneyland burned down.”  He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke.  I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.  ~Jack Handey

It is April Fools’ Day. I don’t care for such things. Mostly because I think this day gives people license to be a total and complete jerk to others, and then when you don’t laugh at the joke, YOU look like the ass. Because YOU ARE NOT IN THE MOOD OF THE DAY.

HA HA A TERRIFYING CLOWN. That's hysterical.

HA HA A TERRIFYING CLOWN. That’s hysterical.

On Friday at work, my coworkers thought it was funny to leap out at people. I’m not sure if they were doing a pre-April-Fools’-celebration, or it was just a funny thing they were doing. One person leaped out at my boss, which scared her so much she screamed, then cried. This made everyone laugh and laugh. THAT IS NOT FUNNY. When friend A. came over to tell me how awesome that prank had been, I told him in NO uncertain terms that if anyone ever did such a thing to me, I would stab them with my letter opener. I’m pretty sure he knew from my stern face I wasn’t kidding. And by the fact I put my letter opener right by my mouse for easy access.

See, I have an insane startle reflex. I have a touch of PTSD from things that have happened in the past, and I do not like things popping out at me. I’ve talked before about how terrible I am at haunted houses around Halloween, because there, you are PAYING for people to leap out at you. I also don’t like surprise parties where people jump out at you. What the hell is fun about people leaping out at you like that? Nothing. I would walk right out of that party. When I was about six or seven my parents had one of those parties for me and every photo of me at that party are me pouting because people all leaped out and I was SO MAD because I felt like I was being TRICKED.

NOT FUNNY. You are all dead to me now.

NOT FUNNY. You are all dead to me now.

Anyway, so today, I thought I would research April Fools’ pranks and we would talk about them. And why they are a mistake. A TOTAL MISTAKE.

So first, there is a whole website of pranks. It has helpful tips like “plan ahead!” and “make sure you’re not being MEAN!” and “don’t prank strangers!” Well, once you prank a friend using one of these, they’re going to become a stranger, because they’re sure as hell not going to be your friend anymore.

Here are some VERY GOOD IDEAS* (*not at all good):

  • “Go into your victim’s closet and steal one of each of their shoes. Hide them and then laugh while they frantically try to find a match!” Um. If someone stole one of each of my shoes and used up the minimal time I have in the morning to get ready, and I found out they did that, I would beat them around the head and neck with the remaining shoe. And also I’d be late for work. That’s not funny, that’s asshatty. Also, what are you doing in my house? Did you sneak in like a burglar? I live alone. This is worrisome.
  • “Take a box of cereal, crackers, etc., and cut out the entire bottom. Set the box on the cupboard shelf and then dump the cereal or crackers straight into the top of the box (if the contents of the box came in a plastic bag, discard the bag). Close the top. Then, when your victim goes to grab the box, the contents will fall straight out onto the floor!” OMG WHAT. What a mess. WHAT. A. MESS. Also, cereal is not CHEAP, you know. You just wasted my good cereal by TOUCHING it, then making me dump it on the FLOOR. Also, again, may I ask how you got in my house?
  • “Take your victim’s disposable water bottle and make sure the lid is on tight and that it is completely full. Then take a small push pin and put several holes in the bottom. A small amount of water will drip out when you do this, but then water pressure will prevent any more from coming out the holes. When your victim grabs the bottle, it will either leak when they squeeze it, or water will come pouring out of the holes when they take off the top.” Again, this is such a douche move. You just ruined my clothing and also my water bottle. Now I have to get changed, and also get a new bottle of water. Again, HOW DID YOU GET IN MY HOUSE.

    Get out of my house, you prankster. WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT CROWBAR.

    Get out of my house, you prankster. WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT CROWBAR.

  • “Take a candle, light it, and let it burn until some melted wax builds up. Blow out the flame, then set the candle on its side on some waxed paper, allowing the melted wax to drip into a puddle. Wait for it to harden, then remove the waxed paper. Now you can place the candle “mess” on something valuable–like your wife’s favorite coffee table!” HA HA HA HONEY I RUINED YOUR FAVORITE COFFEE TABLE! Who has a “favorite” coffee table? I mean, seriously? That implies you have multiple coffee tables and have chosen the favorite one. Also, this is kind of sexist. Because wives often have favorite pieces of furniture. HA HA. Gag.
  • “Offer to make a sandwich for the victim. But don’t remove the wrapper from the slice of cheese. When they bite down they’ll get a chewy surprise.” Hey, Charlie, here’s a sandwich, yum, HA HA APRIL FOOLS’! Charlie? Charlie? Are you choking? Charlie? Do you need me to do the Heimlich? CHARLIE ARE YOU OK? (I actually pranked myself with this one a while back. It was the grossest thing, and I almost threw up because paper and teeth made such a weird noise in my head. Gack, thinking about it makes me shudder all over again.)

    Wasn't that a super-good joke, Charlie? Ha ha! CHARLIE!

    Wasn’t that a super-good joke, Charlie? Ha ha! CHARLIE!

  • “Replace the lotion in your victim’s lotion bottle with mayonnaise.” WHAT THE HELL. OK, this is wrong on a lot of levels. A., I know some people who hate mayo more than anything in the world. This would make them so disgusted they would never talk to me again. B., this would mean you have to take a shower, because now you’re covered in disgusting greasy mayo, which has EGGS in it, and is only good on SANDWICHES. And C., did you just throw away someone’s LOTION? Why are you so wasteful?

Then I found this site on Parade. That means a bunch of people got this in their Sunday papers today. DO NOT DO THESE, people who got this in their Sunday paper today. Just because it’s in the paper doesn’t mean it’s a good idea.

  • “This one’s for diabolical parents: When the kids are sound asleep, switch them to each other’s beds. Just make sure you’re there to see their reactions when they wake up!” HA HA! What kind of kids sleep through being moved to another bed? Also, if I was a kid, and I woke up in my brother’s stupid bed, I would not be all “APRIL FOOLS’!” I’d be all “This bed smells gross and why did you touch me while I was sleeping? Is this what bad touch means?”
  • “Replace the cream filling of Oreos with toothpaste, then invite your target for a snack.” Here, Charlie, sorry about the sandwich thing, have some dessert. HA HA APRIL FOOLS’, CHARLIE! Oh, shit, Charlie, are you choking again? Is it because you just ate a whole mouthful of toothpaste when you were expecting delicious creme? CHARLIE ARE YOU OK? What do you mean, you don’t want to be my friend anymore. APRIL FOOLS’ PRANKS ARE FUN, CHARLIE!
  • “Sprinkle grape Kool-Aid mix inside the showerhead to turn the water—and your victim’s skin—purple.” HA HA YOU LOOK LIKE A GRAPE! Oh, it’s not coming off? Even with multiple showerings? And you can’t go to work and now you got fired and you can’t pay your rent and you’re homeless and living under a bridge sharing your cardboard box with a hobo named Toothless Joe? Sorry, dude, it was really a good prank, though. The newspaper said so.

    HEE HEE! Good one*! (*Not at all a good one)

    HEE HEE! Good one*! (*Not at all a good one)

  • “Place mini marshmallows on top of the ceiling fan’s blades, then ask someone to turn it on.” Um. Why is this even funny? Your living room is now covered in mini-marshmallows. Yay? Ha?
  • “Fill soap dispensers around the house with pancake syrup.” Yes. Yes, when I wash my hands, I’d love if my soap was a sticky mess. Good. Also, why are you wasting syrup? It’s super-expensive, if you buy the real stuff.
  • “Spread a layer of cream cheese over your target’s deodorant.” WHY ARE YOU MAKING PEOPLE COVER THEIR BODIES IN FOOD. Is this 9 1/2 Weeks? No? It’s DISGUSTING, is what it is. And it’s going to make people late for work.
  • “Dip the ends of your officemate’s pens in clear nail polish.” A., I’m in charge of buying/replacing office supplies, so this wouldn’t be so much “funny” as it would be “Amy, my pens stopped working, can I have some new ones?” all day long, so, no. And B., I read “pens” as “penis” and therefore, the sentence was SUPER-FUNNY to me, and a lot more naughty. And also I was wondering what kind of relationship you have with your coworkers.

OK. Now that we have read all of these super-good ideas, what have we learned, my little pranksters?

THAT APRIL FOOLS’ PRANKS AREN’T FUNNY.

Don’t do these things. Don’t even do them. Except maybe the penis thing. The penis thing is kind of funny. Mainly because I read it wrong.

Happy April Fools’ Day, my sweetest spring flowerbuds. Watch out for pranksters today. I give you permission to stab them with letter openers if you must. Just try not to get caught. Blame it on that one weird guy in IT, if you have to do stabbery. You are WELCOME.

Advertisements

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

45 responses to “Only fools rush in. Unless I stab them with a letter opener. Less rushing, more bleeding.

  • Nagzilla

    I have to admit I occasionally participate in April Fool’s pranks, but nothing as nasty as these. What’s with all the food? Yuck. I usually go into my coworkers computers and change the autofill option in their Word program. Like making our company name change to Ha Ha! April Fool’s Day. And then I know when they’ve found it because they can’t figure out how to change it back. The best was the time when I did that and I didn’t hear from the person until, like, almost 4:00 that day. What the hell were they doing that they didn’t type our company name even once over the course of seven hours?!?

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      The food ones are the worst. Food is for eating, not smearing all over your “friends” as a joke.

      Ooh, I would have you beat with that trick. My autofill is off. I didn’t like that it thought it was smarter than me and was filling in words that I didn’t want.

      Like

  • Ashley Austrew

    These are horrible. Also horrible? It’s kind of in similar fashion to a lot of the ones you posted, but last night my husband and I read a list of pranks that suggested filling donuts with mayonnaise and bringing them for your coworkers. If I was a boss (I am a boss, just not THAT kind of boss) I’d totally fire someone for that. They’d be all, “On what grounds??” And I’d be like, “On the grounds that you’re a dick!”

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I saw a photoset of that one on Pinterest yesterday, showing you exactly how to do it. Can you even IMAGINE such a thing? I’d be FURIOUS if someone did that. I mean, I don’t eat office food anyway (long story) but the whole idea is repulsive. Also, I have a lot of mayo-avoidant friends. This would be the cruelest trick ever.

      Like

    • Nagzilla

      I totally want to tell someone that they’re being fired for being a dick. Adding it to my bucket list. Seriously. Thank you.

      Like

  • becomingcliche

    I was involved in a prank a couple of years ago, but I swear I was only an accomplice. I SWEAR! I typically feel the way you do. So many senseless, idiotic pranks.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I’m lucky in that as an adult, no one’s ever tried one on me. There were ones when I was younger which is why I think I have such bad connotations with today. Tricking people in a mean fashion just to make them feel stupid is never funny to me.

      Like

  • mrsron

    I actually laughed aloud. Hoorah – great post.

    Like

  • hdfloyd73

    I am seriously hacking coffee because of this. I also think playing pranks is just mean. Why do people find watching others in aching misery funny. Like choking on plastic from the cheese! The thing is, I am over here cracking up at reading these, so sadly I must admit that it seems funny….unless it is being done to me. THEN…NO MORE FUNNY, people better watch out….

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Aw, yay! I love that I made you laugh, whoo-hoo! But, yes. Agreed. They’re not funny when they’re actually DONE. On paper, maybe a little more funny. But if anyone did any of these things to me, look out. I’m a formidable enemy.

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Don’t care much for April fool’s day either. Stupid tradition.

    Like

  • Sphinx Akashaa Duncan

    After my mom played the worst prank you could pull on a kid in the world on April Fools day many many years ago (I think I may have been 13), I have written the entire holiday off as Buffoonery. I’m all for silliness and ridiculous humor, but when it comes with the cost of nearly causing the victim to have a heart-attack, I’m out!!

    That said, I agree with you on all above stated points.
    Those pranks are just terrible. I feel like people who do these to their friends are bad friends, and maybe also stalkers/possible serial killers. Who sneaks into someone’s house to do those things? Even if it’s a roommate or something, that’s pretty horrible.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I’m avoiding the whole day. It’s just an excuse for people to be mean. And anyone who falls for the tricks feels like a dummy.

      Well, I couldn’t really avoid the day. I went to work and everything. But I flew beneath the radar. Quietly did my work. Went home. Other than one little thing, the office mostly acted like grownups, so that was pleasing.

      Like

  • Krysty

    The only prank I’ve ever committed was changing my male coworker’s desktop wallpaper to a picture of shirtless Fabio while he (coworker, not Fabio) was on holiday.

    Like

  • RebeccaScaglione - Love at First Book

    You are sooooo right. Cereal is NOT cheap!!!!

    And honestly, someone needs to watch out depending on the shoe. Like how do they know which shoe you will wear that day anyway? I have like 25 pairs of shoes. Do you know what shoes I will wear today? Then how can you steal one of them? And where will you put it? How are you going to hide the one shoe I want to wear today while I’m at my house with you?

    Like

  • unexpecteddreamer

    I am NOT a fan of April Fool’s pranks. It just isn’t cool at all. Good on you for pointing this out!

    Like

  • moodsnmoments

    the only thing i liked about these (stupid) ideas (i mean can you even call them ideas) of pranks being posted on various websites is YOUR sarcasm which completely shows the morose levels of humour.
    Though I admit, i was grinning your warnings on each of the so called pranks. Funny stuff.

    Like

  • Heather

    These pranks are NASTY. I would beat anyone who pulled any of these on me. No. Just no.

    My grandfather loved to crack jokes on April Fool’s Day, but it was always harmless stuff…like calling my mother before she was out of bed to tell her there is 6″ of snow on the ground (she hates snow)…stuff like that.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      My dad told me my grandfather used to do that, too, but he was really mean about it and would make my grandmother cry and my dad used to get SO MAD. (He loves my grandmother because she makes him laugh because she uses salty language and loves to gossip like he does.) I don’t remember that, but I was little. My grandfather was always the sweetest to me. He treated me like a princess. As he should have, of course. Hee!

      Like

  • elaine4queen

    One time someone grabbed me from behind at a crowded thing I was at. I was regularly going to tai chi at the time, so punched him in the face over my shoulder.

    How my friend laughed. Luckily his broken glasses were made of special self healing metal stuff he’d got because he anticipated his kids breaking them for him.

    Like

  • Kris

    I do not like the stupid pranks, because they are just mean, but I really do like the internet tradition of fake news/PR articles on April 1. Many of them are quite clever, and don’t involve publicly embarrassing someone, spilling food/drink or unpleasant surprises. :-)

    Like

  • Sometimes Good Things Come in Small Packages | Becoming Cliche

    […] is awesome. She shares my disdain for mean practical jokery, and she loves theatre so much that I need to go and see her so we can take in a Broadway play […]

    Like

%d bloggers like this: