Kind-of-Sort-of-Ask-Lucy a.k.a. I CAN ANSWER THAT! (Volume 12)

Whew, this got delayed, didn’t it? Bet you all thought this wasn’t going to happen! Nah. Here I am. All’s well. I couldn’t go a whole month without this thing. I mean, I might go into WITHDRAWAL. Who’d like that? No one, is who.

So, in case you don’t remember, or are new here, here’s a quick rundown of what’s happening. Shush, there are a lot of new people and they need to be filled in on the hijinks, you guys. We can’t just leave ’em hanging. How rude would THAT be? So rude. The rudest. The rudest SQUARED.

I don’t want to be Mr. Rude! Look at him with his tongue all sticking out like that. Totally inappropriate.

Because the search terms posts tend to be insanely long (I did a search term post…um…a few days ago? Usually I do these two days in a row, but this week has been kind of looney-tunes), I break them up into two posts: an open letter to people who find my blog accidentally and a post with just the QUESTIONS that drive people to my blog. And I answer those questions to the best of my ability, and I give advice, some of which is more serious than the rest. And we have the best time. JUST. THE. BEST. TIME. What, don’t argue, I think it’s bad for your complexion or something.

So, yet again! 

Welcome to…  

Kind-of-sort-of Ask Lucy.  

Subtitled: I CAN ANSWER THAT!  

These are all ACTUAL SEARCH TERMS that brought people to my blog. So these people totally need my help, obviously, because they came to Google SEARCHING FOR HELP. And they obviously didn’t find it, because they ended up here. How this happened, I do not know. Google probably has some sort of algorithm, and that’s math. I am not the mathiest. I’m not saying I’m math-is-hard-Barbie, or anything (I totally made it to Calc in high school, and I’m not even kidding, it was a special class for the super-smart kiddos and only like five of us were in there) but you tend to forget a lot of math if you aren’t using it regularly. And how often do I use math, other than to balance my checkbook? Oh, I totally used math in the restaurant the other night to figure out how much we all owed. I used the calculator app on my phone, though, so I don’t think that counts.

Who were adam and eve sons and daughters Huh. I didn’t even know this, other than I think Cain and Abel were, right? So I hit up Google. (How this question brought you to my blog, I don’t know. Have I ever talked about Adam and Eve’s sons and daughters? I know I talked about Adam and Eve and the dinosaurs once when we discussed that weird museum, but I would think that a lot of other blogs would come before mine in the search terms, wouldn’t they?) So anyway, Wikipedia tells me that “Adam and Eve are listed as having three children, Cain, Abel and Seth, then ‘other sons and daughters.'” Two things made me laugh here. One, “other sons and daughters.” I feel terrible for the kids that don’t even get a shout-out in the Bible. Like Job’s kids that were killed in the “he’s mine, no he’s MINE!” game between God and the devil. They were all slaughtered as part of a WAGER, yet they don’t even get names. Now we have Adam and Eve’s unnamed other kiddos. Those poor kids. Never living up to Cain or Abel. And then we have “Seth.” Hee! SETH! It’s like he’s the black sheep. CAIN! ABEL! Oh, yeah, also and Seth. He’s the…funny one, I guess. That Seth, man, you never know what Seth’ll do. Remember the time Seth drank all that wine at the feast and then totally made out with that cooked fish on that platter? Oh, that SETH. So, there you go, searcher, although I’m pretty sure my response is nowhere near what you wanted, you now know a little more about the background of Seth, the quiet Beatle. You are welcome, also there’s more about this in the Bible, that’s that fat book on your shelf no one ever picks up so it gets dusty.

OMG DUDE WHAT ARE YOU DOING? What about SETH? He’s the one who stole your Pantera record that time, it wasn’t even ME!

what are some clever responses to ‘no rest for the wicked’ CLEVER responses? Well, first, who’s actually saying this to you? You’re like toiling away and someone’s all, “No rest for the wicked, am I right, Bob?” Well, that guy’s kind of a douche, but I don’t know if you need to give him a smart remark. Just say, “Yeah, ha ha” and then go on with your day. You’re always going to run into people who think things like this are funny when they’re just annoying. But let’s see if I can come up with a clever response. Well, I think I might start singing something FROM Wicked, until they left all annoyed and perplexed. Probably a song with the word wicked in it, like “No One Mourns the Wicked” or something. Or maybe you could just go simpler, and when they say, “No rest for the wicked!” say “No original thoughts for the stupid!” and then just stand there glaring at them until they leave. Are either of these comebacks clever? You’re welcome? I think? If you find these responses clever?

I found this online. Someone made this because they thought it was clever. That makes me sad. Sometimes memes aren’t funny. Just because you put words over a photo, it isn’t an automatic win, you guys.

differentiate between kidding and kindling of farm animal. WHAT. THE. HELL. Kidding of farm animal? KINDLING of farm animal? The only “kindling” used in this context that I know of is something being pregnant. Like, old-timey things I’ve read call that “kindling.” WHY ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT MAKING FARM ANIMALS PREGNANT. Also, “kidding” of farm animals? What, like you tell them funny jokes, or you like put a bucket of water over the stall door and when they walk through it spills on them, HA HA? And how do you not know the difference between getting something pregnant and playing a wacky prank on it? I AM SO PERPLEXED RIGHT NOW. You’re welcome, please stop bothering the livestock.

We do not like jokes, say these animals. Or also for you to have all the sex with us.

elvis song “when i want to kill” I just Googled the shit out of this and had no luck at all. So you’re making this up, and honestly, that makes me all kinds of nervous. Why do you think Elvis is singing about murdering? He didn’t sing about murdering. He could barely sing about sexing. He had to be so careful back in the day. It was different times then. So, no. Elvis did not sing about deathery, jellybean. Sorry to ruin your day. You’re welcome. And a little weird.

how do you say i am not a aunt and nephew I get this question, or variants of this question, a lot. And I totally don’t understand it. How do you say I’m not an aunt or a nephew? “I am not an aunt or a nephew.” I suppose this means something, but I can’t tell you what it is. Anyone have any ideas? I’m at a loss. I’d tell you you were welcome, but I have no idea what I’m even welcoming you for.

how romance a woman until she enjaculates ZOMG. I don’t even KNOW. How WOULD one make a woman enjaculate? That would be something, wouldn’t it? To make a woman do something SO EXCITING it’s not even a WORD? Also, ignoring your terrible typo of terribleness, “romance” is totally a euphemism here, right? I thought so. You’re welcome. Oh, you actually want an answer? Sure. Literacy. Literacy leads to enjaculation. Every. Damn. Time.

how to accent with toupe Well, I guess I have to ask: are you accenting with the color taupe, or are you accenting with a toupée? Because toupe could go either way, you know? SIDE NOTE! When I was a kid, we had a terrible computer game that was like a match game where you could win “prizes” by matching up these things on a board and the spelling mistakes on it were rampant and one of them was “a cheap toupe” and my brother and I used to pronounce it like “toop” and I’d be all “YOU JUST WON A CHEAP TOOP!” and he’d be all “I DON’T WANT A CHEAP TOOP!” and we would laugh and laugh. Yes, even when I was about ten I was aware of, and mocking, spelling errors in society. I know. You can hardly be surprised by this. As for your question: accenting with taupe should be easy, it’s the blandest of the colors. Anything pretty much goes with taupe. As for accenting with a toupée, well, my advice: just don’t. Everyone knows you’re wearing one, darlin’, and it’s just embarrassing. Let your shiny head show. Bald heads are totally sexy, by the way. You’re welcome, toupster.

This is a hairpiece made of tampons I found for you while cruising the internet. I WIN INTERNETTING YOU ARE WELCOME.

how to ignore your heart Oh, I wish I knew. I wish I had the answer to this, because I would apply it to my own life and OH, would I win life then. But I just don’t have the answer for you. I totally don’t. My heart does things that my brain knows are very, very bad ideas, and my brain says, “Oh, please. Can we not? Can we not do this? This is going to be nothing but pain. NOTHING BUT PAIN” and attempts to fight off the decision my stupid, stupid heart has made, and my heart is very recalcitrant in its decision-making. Smarter people than I am probably can fend their heart off at the pass, but I have yet to learn this trick and I’m most likely at the halfway point of my life. So I can’t answer this question. I’m sorry. I’m the wrong person to ask.

Stupid heart. Just pump the blood and stop trying to do any thinking for me, ok? Thanks.

i dont want anyone to find my blog Well, there’s an option to make it private on WordPress (and probably one on Blogger, too, but I haven’t been there in a very long time) so just set it to private and you’re fine. Or you could just write on paper and not on the interwebs. Or in Word or something and just save it. The point of blogging is kind of to share it with people, though, so this question makes me a little sad. You’re welcome, maybe start a public blog, see how it goes?

im upset that i wont believe you no more im not upset that you always lie to me poem I’m guessing you mean the quote ““I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you” which is a Nietzsche quote and I don’t think it’s from a poem? You’re welcome, hope I didn’t rain on your parade too much.

is st amy the patron saint of the poor Nope. She’s not the patron saint of anything. She’s not even real. There’s a St. Amata of Assisi, also known as St. Aimee, but she only gets a mention because she’s the niece of St. Clare, who’s a more famous saint, apparently. I mean, she has a hospital here in my area named after her and everything. So, no. She’s not. Poor people have a lot of patron saints, though – Martin, Gemma, Nicholas (SANTA!). Probably more, that’s just with a cursory Googling. You’re welcome, pray to whoever you want, it does about the same thing either way.

I don’t know who this is, but holy jazz hands made me smile. JAZZ HANDS!

where to get a kickass pickled eggs shirts Hee! Pickled eggs shirts! Well, wouldn’t THAT be a most awesome thing to have! Let’s see, I will find you one. 

This is all I could find and it’s kind of the suck. I’m sorry. It’s not at all kickass. I’m not really winning questions today.

why people that went to my high school don’t friend me Were you a jerk in high school? I won’t friend about 95% of the people from my high school because they bullied me, so why would I friend them now, you know? So maybe you were a bully. Or, maybe you’re one of those sad people that just tries to get everyone you’ve ever known ever to friend you. Like, I got a friend request the other day from someone I knew so peripherally once. SO PERIPHERALLY. And I know most people just friend everyone? But I only friend people I a., love with the fire of a thousand suns or b. have to because otherwise it would cause a kerfuffle and then I hate that I had to friend them. I have very few “meh” Facebook friends. So if they won’t friend you, to cut this down to a bite-size niblet, I’d probably let that go, babe. Who cares. It’s a big old world. Shake off high school like it’s dogshit on your new sneakers and make friends with the present. You’re welcome, I’m sorry people are jerks.

price for belly piercing at revelation flea market OMG NO. Do NOT get a piercing at a flea market. I’ve been to like three flea markets and the first thing I think of when I think of them is FILTHY. The first thing I think of when I think of piercing? SANITARY. You want to get a piercing done somewhere reputable and somewhere clean and somewhere SANITARY. Or you will get an infection. Once? A person I know who will remain nameless but let’s call her Lucy’s Football? Got her nose pierced by someone who worked at the hair salon in the plaza where she worked? And it got all infected and swelled all up and was the GROSSEST EVER? So listen to the words of someone who will remain nameless but you can totally call her Lucy’s Football and go somewhere clean. (SIDE NOTE: it all worked out well and she’s had a nose piercing since she was the cute little old age of 19. And when it was time for a tongue piercing, she went to the tattoo and piercing shop which was SHINY clean, and that was only swollen for a day and didn’t get infected at all. See? Listen to the words of experience!) (ANOTHER SIDE NOTE: I don’t know anyone who’s gotten a belly-button piercing and hasn’t regretted it and taken it out. Those things pull on all your waistbands and get so infected and are bothersome. Think twice about that one, is my thought.)

Also, they very seldom look this cute unless you have a flat little belly, and I’d say 99.99999% of us don’t. Get pierced elsewhere. You’ll thank me.

what’s a sentence about lonely people Like “All the lonely people, where do they all come from? All the lonely people, where do they all belong?” There are two sentences, and they’re from The Beatles, so you don’t need anything else. You’re welcome. Listen to more Beatles music, it fixes everything.

what does it mean if 3 kookaburra are outside your house singing IT MEANS YOU ARE GOING TO DIE! No, honestly, I have no idea? I would think it meant the best thing ever, because I LOVE kookaburras. They are some of my most favorite feathered friends. So I would think it meant I was triply blessed. But I don’t think it MEANS anything, other than that day, you have three kookaburras outside your house. It probably also means you live in Australia. You’re welcome, send me photos, ok?

FIVE KOOKABURRAS! I would be the happiest if I saw five. SO HAPPY!

what ever happened to ron and marty?……the ventrimoqist who wanted to be a cannibal Hee, “ventrimoqist.” I like that. No idea. He was arrested back in July but the internet never talked about him again so I’m not sure. Sorry. I wouldn’t go looking for him, though. He’s probably SO PISSED right now. That dummy of his will totally eat your face. You’re welcome, someone who enjoys weird news as much as I do.

Eat. Your. Face.

what happens at the end of vaclav and lena yahoo answers Nope. The book is wonderful and I’m not telling you. You need to read it yourself, you damn cheaty cheater. It’s not even that long. It’s worth the read. It made me have TEARS in my EYEHOLES. Stop using the internet to skip to the end and read a book. You’re welcome, Cheaty McCheaterson.

So good. Go read it now. NOW I SAID.

where can i find the “not nows” on fb If you click on your friend requests, I think they’re up in there. But sometimes they’re not, because Facebook is weird. So if you can remember who the people are that you not-nowed, if you search their name, you have the option on their page to respond to the friend request there. Facebook is not the best about putting off friend requests. Well, listen, Facebook, sometimes friend requests are frought with pain. You have to THINK about that shit. You’re welcome, I’m glad I can help you navigate the eel-infested waters of the interwebs.

who said “smiling is also my favorite” BUDDY THE ELF! Well, not “also.” Just “smiling’s my favorite.” You’re welcome, I feel like you should have known that one, though. Points off for being foolish. You’re welcome, watch more Will Ferrell movies.

why is pittsburgh so closed minded OMG I DON’T KNOW! It IS? Huh. You know who would know? Jim. JIM THIS ONE IS FOR YOU!!! You’re welcome, you’ll like Jim, even though he’s dead to my dad. DEAD TO HIM!

Um, Jim? I also found this? And now I am worried about you?

Whew! That was a lot of questions, yeah? I have to talk to Andreas with my face now because I miss him. So this has to end so I can do that.

Until next month – may all your questions be answered in such a way that you have more questions than when you started! Happy Easter! Hop hop, little bunnies! Peep peep, little chicks!