GI Joe told me knowing was half the battle, so here, let me half-equip you for war.

Well! Things seem to have calmed down now. We all relaxed? Good, good. Take a seat. No, no. Not there. That’s where Dumbcat likes to sit. And also vomit. Also not there, as that’s where Newcat sits, and she’ll totally wolverine-attack you if you attempt to sit near her. She’s not overly polite, that cat. There are some refreshments around here somewhere. Mostly, refreshments are half a box of Ritz cheese crackers I got tired of before I finished and a pitcher of sugar-free fruit punch, but hey, no one’s allowed to complain about free snacks. Free’s free. If you’re starving and hate those things, you should have packed a granola bar or something. NO, you can’t have my Finnish chocolate or my Flake bars, those were gifts from some of my most beloved people and I’m saving them for a day I’m really sad. I am not remotely sad enough today to break into my gift-chocolate from foreign lands, therefore I cannot eat them. And neither can you. HANDS OFF, GRABBY MCGURK!

Don't even think about it, sunshine. MINE. ALL MINE.

Don’t even think about it, sunshine. MINE. ALL MINE.

Ahem. WELCOME, NEW PEOPLE! There are over a HUNDRED of you! That is CRAZINESS AND WONDERFULNESS!

Old people (wait, you’re not OLD. That sounded TERRIBLE. People who have been here all ALONG, I should say. Please forgive. I did not mean to malign your age), you are more than welcome to read along today. This is not exclusionary toward you in the least. I LOVE YOU ALL. Also, I KNOW you’re waiting for part two of the monthly stats posts. It’s coming! Tomorrow! As long as I have time to write it tonight! Promise, promise!

New people, you are most likely here for one of two reasons: a., you popped on over from reading my guest post on Black Box Warnings earlier in the week, or b., you’re here because I was Freshly Pressed on Wednesday. If it’s the former, you probably have an idea what you’re in for. You are most likely a fan of Le Clown and his most wonderful antics, and know that if I’m part of that gang (aw, am I part of that gang now? I like that so much. That’s a gang I totally want to be part of. Do I get nunchucks? Or, as they called them in my college “list of things you can’t bring with you” brochure, “chukka sticks?”) that I’m not going to be overly reverent or serious most of the time.

Ooh, these are the BEST chukka sticks because they are SUPREME.

Ooh, these are the BEST chukka sticks because they are SUPREME.

However, the people here from Freshly Pressed – well, first, hello. I’m so glad you’re here, I’m so glad you read the post and you connected with the post and are following and reading and commenting…but I have to pre-apologize.

I am very seldom as serious as I was in that post. I feel like you need to be informed as to what goes on here, for your own safety. And possibly also sanity.

It happens, sometimes. Sure it does. Sometimes things upset me and I rant for a bit. But mostly, we talk about the following things here:

  • My dad, who thinks everything is a government conspiracy and makes me laugh harder than anyone
  • Various members of the animal kingdom, heavily including my cats, Dumbcat and Newcat (whose real names cannot be revealed because they are in the Witness Relocation Program for cats because they saw a mob hit that one time, I can’t say any more for their own safety)
  • My friends, who are all perfect and amazing in various ways
  • Theater
  • Books
  • Television
  • Things that make me snort-laugh (this is a very broad category)
  • My nephew, who is the most brilliant and amazing human on the face of the earth
  • Current events that make me laugh and/or stabby
  • SCIENCE! (More on this in a bit)
  • Things I actually leave my house and do
  • Anything else that I feel like blabbering on about on any given day

As you can see, these are not very serious topics. So I feel terrible that you’ll be waiting and waiting for me to start talking about something all serious-like and keep getting posts about “ZOMG YOU GUYS ONE TIME I WAS WALKING TO MY CAR AND I HEARD SOMEONE PLAYING ‘DANNY BOY’ ON BAGPIPES IN THE PARKING LOT BUT I DON’T KNOW WHERE IT WAS COMING FROM.” (That’s a true story, by the way. It happened just the other day. It seemed to be coming from the Vo-Tech school behind our building? If that’s the case, bravo, Vo-Tech school, you seem to be teaching your students bagpipery! And it was also very sad and mournful, which is my favorite type of music to randomly hear in the parking lot.) (SIDE NOTE! Is it politically incorrect to say Vo-Tech school? I think it has a name now but I don’t know what it is. Here in New York we call it the BOCES but it’s not the BOCES, that’s just who runs it. It’s a vocational technology school where they learn things like hairdressing and car repair. Hence, vo-tech. Apologies if I’m offending anyone. Can you even imagine if I offended everyone like the first DAY and everyone left? I’d totally have lost Freshly Pressed, right?)

I found this on the internet. What is this? What does this mean? Is it a poster for a musical or something? I am perplexed.

I found this on the internet. What is this? What does this mean? Is it a poster for a musical or something? I am perplexed.

So, anyway. I decided there are some things you probably need to know about how things are around Lucy’s Football before you get confused and/or go running off into the night because that would be dangerous for you. Because I’m nothing if not helpful. NOTHING, I say. You can also get a lot of these from my Frequently Asked Questions page, if you want. But I’ll reiterate. Like a boss.

THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW!

I use ZOMG and yo a lot. Also all-caps. And SIDE NOTES. I also make up words. I’m kind of…I guess you’d say stream-of-consciousy? This annoys some people and charms others. I get it. This is how I am in real life, too. And in real life it charms some people and annoys others as well, too. That’s nice, though. That way I can weed out the people that don’t find me charming. I mean, who wants to hang out with people that don’t find them charming, I ask you?

I write blog posts that are a lot longer than your daily RDA of blog-reading. Someone told me once that you’re supposed to publish no more than 1,000 words a day. At ABSOLUTE most. Or you’ll have no one reading. Well, I get that. I do. However, I have a billion things to say. And I’ve tried writing shorter posts? But it doesn’t work. All these words just NEED TO BE SAID. So, yeah. I’d probably have more readers if I wrote shorter posts? But then I wouldn’t be me. So where do I draw the line, really?

So many delicious words. SO MANY.

So many delicious words. SO MANY.

I am unabashedly geeky about a lot of things, and when I love something, I really, REALLY love it. I don’t understand living life in a middle gray area. I am all about going big or going home. If I love someone, I really love them. (The opposite is also true. If someone is my enemy they are DEAD. TO. ME.) I go all-out for things and people and ideas. And I’m very geeky about things I love. And I’m not at all embarrassed about this. Again, this is off-putting to some people. However, the people that aren’t put off by this – well, those are my people. And I love them more than I can even describe. And would jump in front of a herd of stampeding rhinoceroses for them, if the need arose. (Is that need going to arise? Let me know, so I can change out of my nice work clothes.)

Don't you trample my friends, rhinoceros!

Don’t you trample my friends, rhinoceros!

I have a SCIENCE FELLOW! Sometimes we like to talk about science here at Lucy’s Football. In those cases, we are very lucky; we have someone who can set us to rights. (This is good, because as much as I love it, I know very little about science.) Yes! It is true! This might be the only blog named after a Peanuts character that has its own Science Fellow. And our Andreas is not JUST a Science Fellow. He’s the BEST Science Fellow. Once in his scientific work he discovered and named his own SPECIES OF CREATURE and there is a BOOK about it. I’m not even kidding about this. Also, he’s in charge of making sure things are pretty around here (he did my beautiful blog redesign at the beginning of the year, isn’t it lovely?) and is one of my dearest friends and a wonderful blogger AND I met him in REALLY REAL LIFE earlier in the month. I know! And he is from FINLAND! And next year I am going to Finland to see HIM! And we met through TWITTER! I know, the internet is wonderful, right?

In real life, I tend to cuss like a sailor, but here, I don’t much at all. I know. It seems foolish. The interwebs are full of all the swears. You don’t know who’s going to read your blog. It could be a kid. IT COULD BE MY NEPHEW SOMEDAY. Kids can see the cussing elsewhere. Sometimes I can’t help myself, and I bust out with the swearing. But usually I try to behave myself. FOR THE CHILDREN. And for the world, because there are enough ugly things out there, and I don’t feel I need to be all cussy all the time, you know? Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

That being said, I have no problems with cussing, I do it all the time in real life, and I will never edit your comments for being cussy, unless they're offensive.

Hee, Waffle House!  (The above being said, I have no problems with cussing, I do it all the time in real life, and I will never edit your comments for being cussy, unless they’re offensive.)

Things make me stabby on a regular basis. Examples of things that make me stabby: racism, sexism, the war on women currently occurring, anyone who thinks gay marriage will put an end to the world as we know it, Fox News, people who are not kind to their (or others’) children, bullying in any form, Tom Cruise, garlic, when fruit is hidden sneakily in a dessert item and you don’t know it’s there until you bite down into it and you don’t have a napkin to spit it into, the term “fro-yo,” when people SAY “LOL” instead of actually LAUGHING OUT LOUD and it doesn’t save them any TIME and I don’t GET it, gay-bashing in any form, when anyone is cruel to any of my friends at all in any way, when people expect you to let them into traffic when they haven’t waited their turn like everyone else and then they flip you off if you don’t do it cheerily enough as if they weren’t the line-budger, terrible spelling and grammar, people who are shouty about religion, animal abuse, the scanner I have to use at work that jams every third page, and flip-flops.

*shudder* I don't like things between my toes, and I don't like feet, and I don't like the noise they make.

*shudder* I don’t like things between my toes, and I don’t like feet, and I don’t like the noise they make.

However, on a whole, I think the world is a beautiful and magical place, and it continues to amaze and surprise me daily. I think that one speaks for itself.

Oh, probably you want some background on me, yeah? I have three jobs; one’s in finance, one’s in customer service, one’s in journalism. I have two cats. I have zero romantic conquests. I live in a lovely little place in an amazing city in a wonderful area that I love very much. I have been working in community theater for most of my life but will be taking an extended hiatus starting in June. I wrote a book that was published last year. I write here, and for Insatiable Booksluts, and other places, when they’ll have me. I have Twitter and a Facebook fan page and all those good things; links to such are in the Frequently Asked Questions section. There’s an email address where you can reach me for things if you need to do that at the bottom of the blog. I live on the internet when I’m not sleeping or working, but not as much as I used to because of reasons. I have the best friends in the entire world and sometimes I cry because they are so wonderful and I never thought I’d have friends like this in a million years. (I was terribly bullied as a teenager, moving on.) I’ve been blogging for a year and nine months. I used to blog every day but had to cut back because I actually wanted to have a bit of a life, which I’ve been enjoying very much. I laugh a lot. I also cry a lot. Sometimes both at the same time. I have VERY BIG EMOTIONS. I feel huge happinesses and huge sadnesses. I love both terrible movies like Billy Madison and wonderful movies like Magnolia. I adore live theater and am REALLY into musicals. I really like girly things like soap, perfume and necklaces, but I hate girly things like skirts and high heels. I’m a gigantic glasses-wearing enigma.

"This happens. This is something that happens."

“This happens. This is something that happens.”

Mostly I am very silly here. If this disappoints you, many apologies. I try to write WELL, but it’s mostly silly with some moments of seriousness. If you like that, I’m glad. And welcome! If you don’t, I’m sorry, I did not mean to mislead you with the Freshly Pressed thing.

Still with me? Good, great, grand, awesome. So glad you’re here. Do you have questions? Your turn. Ask ‘em in the comments. (People who’ve been here all along, you can ask questions, too! If I don’t like them or don’t want to answer them publicly, I’ll just delete them. Or email you. Sound fair? Sure it does. If it doesn’t, don’t even tell me, I don’t want to know.)

Also, happiest of happy weekends to you all! May your Easter baskets contain only the best of treats. None of those awful eggs with a waxy candy shell and that terrible sort-of-marshmallow crap in the middle that taste like candy just gave up on being good in your mouth.

(As you can see, this is a typical Amy-length post. Welcome to the Thunderdome, my little lemon drops.)

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

64 responses to “GI Joe told me knowing was half the battle, so here, let me half-equip you for war.

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