Well! Things seem to have calmed down now. We all relaxed? Good, good. Take a seat. No, no. Not there. That’s where Dumbcat likes to sit. And also vomit. Also not there, as that’s where Newcat sits, and she’ll totally wolverine-attack you if you attempt to sit near her. She’s not overly polite, that cat. There are some refreshments around here somewhere. Mostly, refreshments are half a box of Ritz cheese crackers I got tired of before I finished and a pitcher of sugar-free fruit punch, but hey, no one’s allowed to complain about free snacks. Free’s free. If you’re starving and hate those things, you should have packed a granola bar or something. NO, you can’t have my Finnish chocolate or my Flake bars, those were gifts from some of my most beloved people and I’m saving them for a day I’m really sad. I am not remotely sad enough today to break into my gift-chocolate from foreign lands, therefore I cannot eat them. And neither can you. HANDS OFF, GRABBY MCGURK!
Ahem. WELCOME, NEW PEOPLE! There are over a HUNDRED of you! That is CRAZINESS AND WONDERFULNESS!
Old people (wait, you’re not OLD. That sounded TERRIBLE. People who have been here all ALONG, I should say. Please forgive. I did not mean to malign your age), you are more than welcome to read along today. This is not exclusionary toward you in the least. I LOVE YOU ALL. Also, I KNOW you’re waiting for part two of the monthly stats posts. It’s coming! Tomorrow! As long as I have time to write it tonight! Promise, promise!
New people, you are most likely here for one of two reasons: a., you popped on over from reading my guest post on Black Box Warnings earlier in the week, or b., you’re here because I was Freshly Pressed on Wednesday. If it’s the former, you probably have an idea what you’re in for. You are most likely a fan of Le Clown and his most wonderful antics, and know that if I’m part of that gang (aw, am I part of that gang now? I like that so much. That’s a gang I totally want to be part of. Do I get nunchucks? Or, as they called them in my college “list of things you can’t bring with you” brochure, “chukka sticks?”) that I’m not going to be overly reverent or serious most of the time.
However, the people here from Freshly Pressed – well, first, hello. I’m so glad you’re here, I’m so glad you read the post and you connected with the post and are following and reading and commenting…but I have to pre-apologize.
I am very seldom as serious as I was in that post. I feel like you need to be informed as to what goes on here, for your own safety. And possibly also sanity.
It happens, sometimes. Sure it does. Sometimes things upset me and I rant for a bit. But mostly, we talk about the following things here:
- My dad, who thinks everything is a government conspiracy and makes me laugh harder than anyone
- Various members of the animal kingdom, heavily including my cats, Dumbcat and Newcat (whose real names cannot be revealed because they are in the Witness Relocation Program for cats because they saw a mob hit that one time, I can’t say any more for their own safety)
- My friends, who are all perfect and amazing in various ways
- Theater
- Books
- Television
- Things that make me snort-laugh (this is a very broad category)
- My nephew, who is the most brilliant and amazing human on the face of the earth
- Current events that make me laugh and/or stabby
- SCIENCE! (More on this in a bit)
- Things I actually leave my house and do
- Anything else that I feel like blabbering on about on any given day
As you can see, these are not very serious topics. So I feel terrible that you’ll be waiting and waiting for me to start talking about something all serious-like and keep getting posts about “ZOMG YOU GUYS ONE TIME I WAS WALKING TO MY CAR AND I HEARD SOMEONE PLAYING ‘DANNY BOY’ ON BAGPIPES IN THE PARKING LOT BUT I DON’T KNOW WHERE IT WAS COMING FROM.” (That’s a true story, by the way. It happened just the other day. It seemed to be coming from the Vo-Tech school behind our building? If that’s the case, bravo, Vo-Tech school, you seem to be teaching your students bagpipery! And it was also very sad and mournful, which is my favorite type of music to randomly hear in the parking lot.) (SIDE NOTE! Is it politically incorrect to say Vo-Tech school? I think it has a name now but I don’t know what it is. Here in New York we call it the BOCES but it’s not the BOCES, that’s just who runs it. It’s a vocational technology school where they learn things like hairdressing and car repair. Hence, vo-tech. Apologies if I’m offending anyone. Can you even imagine if I offended everyone like the first DAY and everyone left? I’d totally have lost Freshly Pressed, right?)

I found this on the internet. What is this? What does this mean? Is it a poster for a musical or something? I am perplexed.
So, anyway. I decided there are some things you probably need to know about how things are around Lucy’s Football before you get confused and/or go running off into the night because that would be dangerous for you. Because I’m nothing if not helpful. NOTHING, I say. You can also get a lot of these from my Frequently Asked Questions page, if you want. But I’ll reiterate. Like a boss.
THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW!
I use ZOMG and yo a lot. Also all-caps. And SIDE NOTES. I also make up words. I’m kind of…I guess you’d say stream-of-consciousy? This annoys some people and charms others. I get it. This is how I am in real life, too. And in real life it charms some people and annoys others as well, too. That’s nice, though. That way I can weed out the people that don’t find me charming. I mean, who wants to hang out with people that don’t find them charming, I ask you?
I write blog posts that are a lot longer than your daily RDA of blog-reading. Someone told me once that you’re supposed to publish no more than 1,000 words a day. At ABSOLUTE most. Or you’ll have no one reading. Well, I get that. I do. However, I have a billion things to say. And I’ve tried writing shorter posts? But it doesn’t work. All these words just NEED TO BE SAID. So, yeah. I’d probably have more readers if I wrote shorter posts? But then I wouldn’t be me. So where do I draw the line, really?
I am unabashedly geeky about a lot of things, and when I love something, I really, REALLY love it. I don’t understand living life in a middle gray area. I am all about going big or going home. If I love someone, I really love them. (The opposite is also true. If someone is my enemy they are DEAD. TO. ME.) I go all-out for things and people and ideas. And I’m very geeky about things I love. And I’m not at all embarrassed about this. Again, this is off-putting to some people. However, the people that aren’t put off by this – well, those are my people. And I love them more than I can even describe. And would jump in front of a herd of stampeding rhinoceroses for them, if the need arose. (Is that need going to arise? Let me know, so I can change out of my nice work clothes.)
I have a SCIENCE FELLOW! Sometimes we like to talk about science here at Lucy’s Football. In those cases, we are very lucky; we have someone who can set us to rights. (This is good, because as much as I love it, I know very little about science.) Yes! It is true! This might be the only blog named after a Peanuts character that has its own Science Fellow. And our Andreas is not JUST a Science Fellow. He’s the BEST Science Fellow. Once in his scientific work he discovered and named his own SPECIES OF CREATURE and there is a BOOK about it. I’m not even kidding about this. Also, he’s in charge of making sure things are pretty around here (he did my beautiful blog redesign at the beginning of the year, isn’t it lovely?) and is one of my dearest friends and a wonderful blogger AND I met him in REALLY REAL LIFE earlier in the month. I know! And he is from FINLAND! And next year I am going to Finland to see HIM! And we met through TWITTER! I know, the internet is wonderful, right?
In real life, I tend to cuss like a sailor, but here, I don’t much at all. I know. It seems foolish. The interwebs are full of all the swears. You don’t know who’s going to read your blog. It could be a kid. IT COULD BE MY NEPHEW SOMEDAY. Kids can see the cussing elsewhere. Sometimes I can’t help myself, and I bust out with the swearing. But usually I try to behave myself. FOR THE CHILDREN. And for the world, because there are enough ugly things out there, and I don’t feel I need to be all cussy all the time, you know? Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

Hee, Waffle House! (The above being said, I have no problems with cussing, I do it all the time in real life, and I will never edit your comments for being cussy, unless they’re offensive.)
Things make me stabby on a regular basis. Examples of things that make me stabby: racism, sexism, the war on women currently occurring, anyone who thinks gay marriage will put an end to the world as we know it, Fox News, people who are not kind to their (or others’) children, bullying in any form, Tom Cruise, garlic, when fruit is hidden sneakily in a dessert item and you don’t know it’s there until you bite down into it and you don’t have a napkin to spit it into, the term “fro-yo,” when people SAY “LOL” instead of actually LAUGHING OUT LOUD and it doesn’t save them any TIME and I don’t GET it, gay-bashing in any form, when anyone is cruel to any of my friends at all in any way, when people expect you to let them into traffic when they haven’t waited their turn like everyone else and then they flip you off if you don’t do it cheerily enough as if they weren’t the line-budger, terrible spelling and grammar, people who are shouty about religion, animal abuse, the scanner I have to use at work that jams every third page, and flip-flops.

*shudder* I don’t like things between my toes, and I don’t like feet, and I don’t like the noise they make.
However, on a whole, I think the world is a beautiful and magical place, and it continues to amaze and surprise me daily. I think that one speaks for itself.
Oh, probably you want some background on me, yeah? I have three jobs; one’s in finance, one’s in customer service, one’s in journalism. I have two cats. I have zero romantic conquests. I live in a lovely little place in an amazing city in a wonderful area that I love very much. I have been working in community theater for most of my life but will be taking an extended hiatus starting in June. I wrote a book that was published last year. I write here, and for Insatiable Booksluts, and other places, when they’ll have me. I have Twitter and a Facebook fan page and all those good things; links to such are in the Frequently Asked Questions section. There’s an email address where you can reach me for things if you need to do that at the bottom of the blog. I live on the internet when I’m not sleeping or working, but not as much as I used to because of reasons. I have the best friends in the entire world and sometimes I cry because they are so wonderful and I never thought I’d have friends like this in a million years. (I was terribly bullied as a teenager, moving on.) I’ve been blogging for a year and nine months. I used to blog every day but had to cut back because I actually wanted to have a bit of a life, which I’ve been enjoying very much. I laugh a lot. I also cry a lot. Sometimes both at the same time. I have VERY BIG EMOTIONS. I feel huge happinesses and huge sadnesses. I love both terrible movies like Billy Madison and wonderful movies like Magnolia. I adore live theater and am REALLY into musicals. I really like girly things like soap, perfume and necklaces, but I hate girly things like skirts and high heels. I’m a gigantic glasses-wearing enigma.
Mostly I am very silly here. If this disappoints you, many apologies. I try to write WELL, but it’s mostly silly with some moments of seriousness. If you like that, I’m glad. And welcome! If you don’t, I’m sorry, I did not mean to mislead you with the Freshly Pressed thing.
Still with me? Good, great, grand, awesome. So glad you’re here. Do you have questions? Your turn. Ask ‘em in the comments. (People who’ve been here all along, you can ask questions, too! If I don’t like them or don’t want to answer them publicly, I’ll just delete them. Or email you. Sound fair? Sure it does. If it doesn’t, don’t even tell me, I don’t want to know.)
Also, happiest of happy weekends to you all! May your Easter baskets contain only the best of treats. None of those awful eggs with a waxy candy shell and that terrible sort-of-marshmallow crap in the middle that taste like candy just gave up on being good in your mouth.
(As you can see, this is a typical Amy-length post. Welcome to the Thunderdome, my little lemon drops.)
March 30th, 2013 at 11:51 am
I cannot love this post enough. :)
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March 30th, 2013 at 7:50 pm
Aw, thank you! :)
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March 30th, 2013 at 11:53 am
Chocolate! MY Precious!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m enabling on some Easter candy right now myself. What I really want is marshmallow peeps
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March 30th, 2013 at 7:49 pm
I didn’t get any Peeps this year. Just mini-eggs and Reese’s Eggs. I’m not supposed to have too much sugary candy, but a little chocolate is ok. So every day, there is a little chocolate. Because how can you have a day without chocolate?
HOW WAS YOUR TALENT AND ART SHOW?!?!?!
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March 30th, 2013 at 8:58 pm
It went very well :) I did my monitor perfectly and added in Some stuff on the spot! Everyone came up to me and was saying how funny they thought I was! My guy friends who I brought with me liked my art and do did shot of other people
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March 30th, 2013 at 9:04 pm
I knew it would be great! Congratulations!
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March 30th, 2013 at 9:13 pm
Thanks!!! I made a more detailed post about it on my blog!
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March 30th, 2013 at 12:01 pm
Luckily, rhinoceroses don’t herd. They’re mostly solitary, although sometimes you’ll find them in groups of two or three. It can’t really be said to be a herd, though.
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March 30th, 2013 at 12:33 pm
The internet tells me it would be a crash or a stubbornness of rhinos. Either seems quite appropriate.
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March 30th, 2013 at 7:43 pm
I love that so much. There has never been anything more apt since a murder of crows. That is perfect!
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March 30th, 2013 at 8:08 pm
Isn’t it, though!
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March 31st, 2013 at 3:47 am
A crash, you say? Or even a stubbornness? That is truly awesome, and takes away the pain from me being wrong. Well, reduces it, anyway. A little bit, at least.
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March 31st, 2013 at 9:51 am
I don’t think you were wrong! Rhinos are generally solitary, but when they hang out together there’s a name for it. Two! :)
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March 31st, 2013 at 11:58 am
If only that was true. But a quick Google gave me this: https://www.google.com/search?q=rhino+herd&hl=en&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=OlxYUcWEConk4QS37YG4Cw&ved=0CC8QsAQ&biw=1336&bih=808
Page after page of pictures of herding rhinos. It’s like they’re really hammering the point home. Either that or there’s some conspiracy going on, and someone – or something – has filled the internet with doctored pictures of rhinoceros herds in the last 48 hours.
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March 31st, 2013 at 12:00 pm
It could be the government. You know how Dad always blames the government.
Or April Fools Day pranksters.
Or rhinos might have done it themselves, to make themselves seem more badass.
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March 31st, 2013 at 12:01 pm
Great. That’s what we need. More badass rhinos.
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March 31st, 2013 at 1:29 pm
You know what would be great? Badass okapis. Because they would be sneaky-badass. They seem sweet, then BAM! BADASS! No one would expect that!
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March 31st, 2013 at 12:37 pm
*giggle* Yeah, I wouldn’t put it past the rhinos to do this.
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March 31st, 2013 at 1:27 pm
Hee! They are tricksters, those rhinos.
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March 30th, 2013 at 7:48 pm
Wikipedia told me rhinoceroses herd. It totally did. Who can I sue about this?
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March 31st, 2013 at 3:44 am
I stand corrected. They do herd. Huh, who’d thunk it? So why do I only have pictures of solitary rhinos in my head then? Stupid head.
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March 31st, 2013 at 9:52 am
You weren’t the only one. Hmph.
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March 31st, 2013 at 10:33 am
You have the OPPOSITE of a stupid head. You have the most brilliant head. I bet they only herd once and a while. And only to prove you wrong because they are STUBBORN, those rhinos.
Don’t worry, Andreas, if they herd toward you, I would totally stand in the way for you. You’re one of my people I’d do that for.
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March 31st, 2013 at 11:54 am
Thank you, but I really should’ve known that.
Aww! But the last thing on my mind, as they whisk you aside as a leaf and stampede me into the ground, would be how very annoying it was that rhinos do actually herd and I didn’t know about it. So annoying.
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March 31st, 2013 at 11:55 am
You can’t know EVERYTHING. I think once you know everything, probably you’re done, and then you might die. Or your head might explode.
I can just imagine you glaring at the rhinos as they stampede us. “Dammit! Rhinos! You aren’t supposed to be DOING this!”
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March 30th, 2013 at 12:15 pm
Aw, thanks for the gracious and very flattering introduction, Amy! But you’ll make it sound like I’m some sort of super-scientist. I’m actually not even a scientist at all nowadays. I’m an ex-scientist. An evolutionary biologist, former.
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March 30th, 2013 at 7:48 pm
Dear readers: Andreas, as well as being the most sciency, is also the most humble. No, he is no longer PRACTICING science, but that doesn’t mean he’s not still a scientist. He totally is. That doesn’t just stop when a person changes jobs, I don’t think. Not when you’re that sciency. (Andreas knows things like if penguins have knees. WITHOUT GOOGLING IT.)
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March 30th, 2013 at 12:23 pm
Speaking of making up words. My fiancée sent me the latest Washington Post’s Mensa list the other day. They have some really good ones, where you’re supposed to add, remove or change one (and only one) letter of an existing word in order to give it a new meaning.
Like ‘sarchasm’: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
Or ‘ignoranus’: a person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
And ‘intaxication’: euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
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March 30th, 2013 at 7:47 pm
Wait, were these in the Washington Post, or did you make these up? These are kind of the most awesome. If I had time, I could totally make some up. But I have THINGS to do tonight. One of which is talk to you later, so that obviously is more important, yo.
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March 31st, 2013 at 12:40 am
I didn’t make those up, no. I’m not that clever. But they were really good, weren’t they?
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March 31st, 2013 at 1:41 am
Pshaw, you’re about 50 times that clever. You can’t fool me. They ARE good!
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March 31st, 2013 at 4:03 am
Holy crap, those are some of the best words I have ever seen.
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April 1st, 2013 at 9:55 am
Ha! I love these!
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March 30th, 2013 at 12:25 pm
WordPress may or may not let me comment. Stupid internet issues. I’m so behind on my Amy posts.
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March 30th, 2013 at 7:45 pm
Hee, I love that this is secretly Heather! Hi, secret Heather!
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March 30th, 2013 at 12:27 pm
So happy for your FP post. It was most deserving. I’m very behind on Amy posts. Between internet issues and illness, I am soo far behind. Are you sure you don’t want to share that Flake bar, though?
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March 30th, 2013 at 7:44 pm
Thank you so much! I hope you’re ok! Are you feeling better?
I have about 5 Flake bars left, and I’m storing them safely and waiting for when a super-sadness hits. Which is funny, because a super-sadness DID hit, but then I was all, “how do you know there won’t be ANOTHER super-sadness? YOU SHOULD NOT EAT ALL OF THESE.” So they’re still waiting for me. Nom.
If you were here, I’d share my Flake bars with you. I like you just that much.
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March 30th, 2013 at 9:47 pm
My brother loves Flake bars. Me, I’m a Crunchies girl.
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March 31st, 2013 at 1:46 am
I love Flake. Once, my mom came home from a trip with chocolate dipped Flake. So, Flake, but with a chocolate shell around them. ZOMGGGGGG.
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March 31st, 2013 at 8:17 am
That made me smile!
A word to the wise. Don’t keep them TOO long or they can get yucky. Don’t ask how I know.
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March 31st, 2013 at 10:30 am
Once, my brother and I found a Hershey’s Kiss that had somehow gotten in with the Christmas ornaments and we were so excited. Secret chocolate from ago!
IT WAS FILLED WITH WORM HOLES. Little teeny worm holes.
I still think of that to this day and shudder.
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March 30th, 2013 at 1:32 pm
I didn’t know you write for Insatiable Booksluts! I love Insatiable Booksluts!
I wear a lot of flip-flops when it’s warm outside. I hope we can still be friends. I mean, I’m willing to accept your Peeps habit, so. You know.
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March 30th, 2013 at 7:42 pm
You do? That’s awesome! See, you knew who I was before you knew who I was! (I’m the Amy over there…it’s me and Susie and Rob, and then we have the other Booksluts working with us now, Neal and Tony and Mandy and Laura and my most amazing sj!)
Everyone wears flip-flops, so I know it’s just me that’s weird about them. (And my boss at work, which is one of the first things we bonded over.) I have a things-between-my-toes issue. And a general feet-are-icky issue. But don’t worry! It will not put the kibosh on our burgeoning friendship! I REFUSE TO LET IT!
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March 31st, 2013 at 4:04 am
We love you, too! :D
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March 30th, 2013 at 2:57 pm
Thanks for the warning. I think I like you and will continue reading- all 1,000+ words.
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March 30th, 2013 at 7:38 pm
Thank you! I’m glad! :)
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March 30th, 2013 at 5:46 pm
I’m going to comment, because people who lurk silently are kind of creepy, no?
I can relate to you. I’m an ex-pat from LiveJournal (can you be an ex-pat from a website)? There I used to write long, lovely posts that I suspect even my oldest friends got tired of. I only had one guy in several years compliment me (he said, “I love your posts, Elaine. I make myself a cup of coffee and get comfortable and read them at my leisure.” Then he up and VANISHED. Such is my life).
I love most of the things you love, and hate all the things you hate (except “froyo.” I have been guilty of using this). I like your style, and I hate being on a bandwagon with hundreds, but here I am–new to WordPress and desperate for friends.
Yeah. That’s enough for now. :)
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March 30th, 2013 at 7:36 pm
I have a lot of lurkers. Or so say my stats, anyway!
I am so glad you’re here! I promise I will not judge you for using fro-yo. I just don’t use it myself. (I have weird self-imposed rules on myself.) You are more than welcome, and comment away!
I have ANOTHER friend Elaine who started on LiveJournal! How weird is that?
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March 30th, 2013 at 7:14 pm
I love all your thousands of words.
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March 30th, 2013 at 7:33 pm
Aw, thank you! This is how I know you’re one of my people! (I love your words, too! Every last one of them!)
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March 30th, 2013 at 9:58 pm
This post cracked me up. I even learned something about you! (I have to say, first, that in Connecticut we said VocTech. But then, we also said idear.)
I love magnetic poetry. I see it and go, awww.
I LOVE the bagpipes. Love. I wish they weren’t so hard to play. But I think the ukulele is as complex as I can handle. (And then, just barely!)
I am glad we have Andreas the Science Fellow.
I am also glad you write long posts. They’re wonderous.
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March 31st, 2013 at 1:45 am
Yay, good! And I’m glad you like the long posts, as they’re all I know how to write!
I am ALSO glad we have Andreas. What would I do without him? He is my voice of reason. And also is very funny. Of course my voice of reason would have a wonderful sense of humor. I deserve nothing less.
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March 31st, 2013 at 4:10 am
I saw that screenshot from Magnolia and it gave me all the feels. Poor kiddo.
ALSO I LOVE YOU!
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March 31st, 2013 at 10:32 am
I love YOU! I know, I need a “Magnolia” rewatch soon. That movie kills me every time. My heart breaks for every one of those characters.
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April 1st, 2013 at 9:58 am
As someone who started following Amy because of a serious post but then fell in love with her silly side, I can attest: stick around, you won’t regret it. (Unless you do, I guess. I probably shouldn’t make promises.)
Also, this comment being two days late because I was out of town, probably none of your new people will see it anyway. So sorry, Amy, for not being more timely with my adoration of your blog.
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April 1st, 2013 at 6:16 pm
You have nothing to apologize for! And thank you! One of the things I love about my readers is that I can write serious posts or silly posts and people still read them. I never feel like I’m talking to myself. It’s such a nice place to go and talk about whatever’s on my mind that day – serious, silly, rambly, sarcastic. It makes me so happy.
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April 1st, 2013 at 8:47 pm
I loved this post!! It was great to get to know you! And thanks for stopping by my blog and the follow!!
P.S. I absolutely love the word “douchecanoe” :D
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April 1st, 2013 at 10:13 pm
Thank you! And you’re welcome, I was glad to find your blog!
Ooh, douchecanoe is totally one of my favorites! :)
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April 2nd, 2013 at 9:56 am
I used douchecanoe last night and unfortunately my husband, who is much better at coming up with comeback than I am, burned me pretty good… But its fun to say so it’s okay lol!
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April 2nd, 2013 at 6:33 pm
Ooh, next time, try douchekabob. It’s my other favorite, and it sounds so great in your mouth to say, too!
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April 2nd, 2013 at 8:42 pm
Lmao!! I might put that one to use tonight!!
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April 2nd, 2013 at 10:56 pm
Hee! You’ll have to tell me how it goes! :)
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April 3rd, 2013 at 9:00 am
I used it on my brother in law and he just kinda scratched his head looked at me funny.
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April 3rd, 2013 at 5:08 pm
Hee! He can’t appreciate a good thing, is all.
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