An adventure at the vet with Dumbcat, Newcat, and ME!

So TODAY, we had an adventure called “take two cats to the vet, one of which doesn’t 100% trust you yet because she is new here.”

What do you mean, this isn’t an adventure. I beg to differ, yo. EVERYTHING is an adventure if you look at it the right way.

First, I got out of work EARLY. This is yet another reason my new job (when, may I ask, is it no longer “new job” but just “job”? I still feel like someone’s going to jump out and scream “PUNK’D!” any day now. It has not yet happened, but that doesn’t mean it’s not GOING to happen) is the best thing ever. If you need to leave a little early because you have a thing going on, like you have to go to bed early because you have to get up before the sun even THINKS about getting up to go to New York City to have the best day ever, for example, or if you have to get to the vet and wouldn’t get there in time if you left at your normal time, you can skip your lunch and do that. You totally can!

So I left work and came home. First order of business: Dumbcat needed his nails trimmed or I was afraid the vet would be all a., “YOU ARE A BAD CAT MOMMY!” and b., “Let us do it for you, it’s only $900!” (I may have rounded that up, but it’s expensive, especially since I can do it myself for FREE.)

I like how relaxed this cat is. This is not the case here in the Casa del Futbol.

I like how relaxed this cat is. This is not the case here in the Casa del Futbol.

So in order to trim Dumbcat’s nails, you need three things: 1. a cat nail trimmer; 2. a towel, 3. a lot of patience and a very soothing voice.

Dumbcat doesn’t like his feet touched. Or his body touched. Or to be forcibly restrained. IT STRESSES HIM OUT.

So first you have to pretend you’re just PETTING Dumbcat. Today he was rolling on the floor so I had to get on the floor and pretend to roll as WELL, and then also pet him until he vibrated all over with purrs because MOMY IS ON TEH FLORE WITH MEEE! and then scoop him up and QUICK QUICK wrap him in a towel before he could freak out too much. (NOTE: Don’t use a towel you like or need to use anytime soon. It will be covered in fur when you are done.)

This cat is much too relaxed. Dumbcat mistrusts that.

Once you have him wrapped in a Purrito (patent pending), you can very carefully pull one of his legs out of the towel for nail-clipping.

That’s when he realizes this has all gone very, VERY wrong. And he starts making a noise like a rabbit in a trap. And it is HEARTBREAKING. And he starts struggling and pulling his leg away from you.

If you are quick and efficient, you can get his front paws done in a flash. Well, most of them. Since he’s a polydactyl, he has weird claws in weird places and you have to be sure to get those, too. Like, claws between his toes and claws growing out of the sides of his legs.

UNFORTUNATELY, this time we had a slight mishap in that he ZIGGED when I should have ZAGGED and one of his weird claws pulled off. PULLED RIGHT OFF! (He has one weird claw that is not…a claw. I don’t know how to even explain it. It’s this thick non-pointy claw. What can I say, he’s genetically challenged.) So THEN, there was BLEEDING! So I had to take the Purrito (patent pending, DON’T YOU STEAL THAT FROM ME, IT’S ALL I HAVE GOING FOR ME DAMMIT!) to the kitchen for a paper towel so I could make it stop bleeding, and that Purrito (don’t even think about stealing that, you thieves) was at that point making noises like a teakettle boiling mixed with an angry swarm of bees and also perhaps a robot on the fritz.

Dumbcat (artist's rendition)

Dumbcat (artist’s rendition)

So FINALLY we got that under control and he was doing this thing where he was KICKING and YOWLING and we STILL had the BACK legs to do! Oh, Dumbcat. Just so you know, I was also using my most calming voice throughout. “Dumbcat! Buddy, you are OK. YOU. ARE. OK. You will be fine! We have to clip these claws. THEY ARE OUT OF CONTROL! Look how long these are. They are like SABERS! You will scratch yourself and there will be pain. You don’t want that! STOP BEING BUNNY-LEGS! You cannot escape from this wrapping, my little purrito (PATENT PENDING I SAID!)”

Then we got the back legs done and THEN it was time for STEP TWO IN MY NEFARIOUS PLAN! which was, put Dumbcat in a carrier for the vet.

Now, usually Dumbcat doesn’t care about the carrier but this time I think he was so upset about the purrito (if you’re thinking of stealing that, DON’T YOU EVEN DARE!) and the leg-touching and the accidental bloodiness that he was all out of sorts. Or he was acting. Because the minute I put him in there he got OBNOXIOUS.

Mriew? Meow? MIEUW? MRRROWOOOW? MEOW MEOW?

Mriew? Meow? MIEUW? MRRROWOOOW? MEOW MEOW?

“Meow? Mrrrrrow? MEOW! MEOW! MEEEEEOOOOWWW! Mrrrreiou? Mieuuuuuu? MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW!” said Dumbcat. Repeatedly. The entire time he was in the carrier. So THAT wasn’t annoying at all.

Then I captured Newcat (ok, so capturing really just meant I scooped her up and popped her in a carrier, which she constantly knocked over with her feet and I finally got the giggles about it because we were like a comedy of errors) and put her in a carrier and then sat on the couch breathing heavily for a while because THAT WAS A LOT OF WORK. Being a single mom is no joke, you know.

Then I wrestled both carriers to the car and drove over to the vet’s office. The whole way, Dumbcat said “MEOW MEOW MEOW, mrrrow? Meiuouw? Brrrrrow? MEOW MEOW!” and Newcat once and a while would quietly say, “Meow.” She was very polite.

Then we got to the vet and usually I have a billion hours of waiting-time while I’m there but this time they got me right in! It was very nice of them. First we see the vet tech. The vet tech does the following: weighs the cats (Dumbcat: 12.5 pounds; Newcat, 13 pounds – my cats are…um…not thin), checks to see what shots they need, and takes their temperature. With a thermometer up their bum. This did not upset Newcat, which made me despair for what she’s been through in her lifetime. It DID, however, freak Dumbcat right out and he made that cartoon face that people make when they are mightily surprised by something and their eyes bug out a little. Then he hid his face in my shirt and that always makes my heart hurt.

HEALTHY!

HEALTHY!

The best part of vet visits is when you take Dumbcat out of the carrier. Dumbcat is PRETTY, you guys. Like, I know I’m biased, but there are NORMAL cats, and then there’s my beautiful boy. But it’s always good when I reveal him from the carrier and the tech or the vet says, “OMG LOOK AT HIM!” and then I think that’s how you people with children feel with someone tells you your child is beautiful. Shush, let me have my dreams.

But THIS time, Newcat ALSO got the reaction! I HAVE TWO BEAUTIFUL CATS! How did that happen? Just good genetics, I guess. I’m an EXCELLENT mom.

So then the vet came in and she was a very nice lady who was about my age. Therefore, she was not the hot Irish vet who saw the cats once, and that was momentarily disappointing. She was very nice, though, and ALSO thought the cats were beautiful.

Dumbcat got TWO shots and did not want EITHER of them and hid his face in my shirt MORE. Then she checked out all of his various things and poked and prodded him and soothed my fears that he has these weird lumps that come and go (they are nothing more than cysts, he’s not dying of weird cat-skin-cancer because that’s of course IMMEDIATELY where my mind goes. Because why just do something? GO BIG OR GO HOME. It’s a little bump? NO IT IS CANCER. Are you sad about something terrible that happened? WELL THAT SHIT’S GOING TO LINGER FOR PROBABLY A YEAR IF IT EVER GOES AWAY AT ALL. No room for going halfway, not in Amy-land!) and said he was the healthiest, happiest boy and to keep doing what I’m doing. Aw, I like that.

(THIS IS NOT SAFE FOR WORK! SO MUCH CUSSING! But also wonderful. And totally should be my mantra. Exactly. Fuck it, WHY go halfway?)

Then it was time for Newcat! Newcat had many things that needed checked up on. First: she had surgery back in November for a tumor (benign) and the vet needed to check on that; all was well, except she had one stitch that didn’t dissolve and was poking out so she took that out. Then she checked on why she was limping on her front right leg. (No answer on that one; she said since Newcat didn’t seem to be in any pain, she might just walk like that, or have an old injury. Aw, Newcat! You are all jacked up!) Also, Newcat tried to eat the vet’s hand when she was checking her limp-issue. The vet was very calm and said, “OK, we’re going to just keep doing this, Newcat, so stop being rude, ok?” and Newcat just looked at me with anger and disgust. She’s very attitudinous, Newcat is.

She also CONCURRED with me that Newcat is about 5 years old. I win being able to tell how old cats are by their teeth! I learned a thing at my job at the Humane Society! I HAVE A SPECIALIZED SKILL!

Probably don't want a cat to make this scary face-eating face at you, though. Rule #1 of being a cat-teeth whisperer.

Probably don’t want a cat to make this scary face-eating face at you, though. Rule #1 of being a cat-teeth whisperer.

She said Newcat is very healthy and ALSO very happy and that they are both beautiful and since she has a medical degree I think it’s the truth, right? Right.

They both need to lose a little weight, though, so it’s (shh) diet cat food for the kitties from now on. I’ll get them something tasty. It’s the least I can do. (Also, Dumbcat doesn’t actually eat very much, but Newcat is a HOOVER when it comes to food. My goodness! She eats MUCH food. I think it’s because she was homeless. She isn’t sure if her next meal will actually happen. Aw, Newcat. There will always be food.)

Dumbcat and Newcat would like you to know this is no laughing matter. Except kind of a cat in overalls is HILARIOUS.

Dumbcat and Newcat would like you to know this is no laughing matter. Except kind of a cat in overalls is HILARIOUS.

When I got home my overly-attentive UPS man was here (he totally knows my name and ASKS WHAT IS IN ALL MY PACKAGES, I find that odd, Dad says “Isn’t that NICE, he is so FRIENDLY” but I think it’s none of his business so I tell him false information like “knives SHARP KNIVES”) (FINE, no I don’t) and I got a billion packages (a book, a fan for my desk at work because it’s so hot in there I am DYING, and a gift for someone, so, I guess more like three packages than a million, I’m really terrible at guesstimating) and so wrestled all the packages AND the carriers into the house and then RELEASED THE HOUNDS! (cats) and they RAN up the stairs like they were being chased by all the demons of hell. THEIR MISTREATMENT WAS OVER!

Now Dumbcat is curled up to me snoring so hard he just scared himself awake with the noise of it (and then glared at me like I was the one who woke him up) and Newcat is under the kitchen table snoring as loud as SHE can because they have had a VERY TRYING DAY.

See? This is a lesson in how anything can be an adventure if you really just apply yourself. Or if you’re with me. That latter part might be the key, actually, and I can’t really help you with that part. Just ask yourself – WHAT WOULD LUCY’S FOOTBALL DO? and the answer is usually “turn it into an adventure” or “spill food on her top” and either way, you’ll be riding high, jellybeans. Just don’t get one of those obnoxious bracelets with WWLFD on it because then I’ll shake my head at you in an embarrassed manner.

Won’t be around tomorrow, and maybe not for the next few days – lots to do! Very busy! But will do my best to do what I can. Just imagine me having all the adventures. That’s really the best way to imagine me, anyway, at all times. Happy weekends, all!

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

34 responses to “An adventure at the vet with Dumbcat, Newcat, and ME!

  • mfennvt

    Yay for healthy, beautiful cats! And you know Hamell on Trial! He’s awesome. Saw him in Albany a few years ago. Much fun and cussing.

    Like

  • sj

    Aw, yay healthy kittehs!

    I’m totally stealing Purrito. TOTALLY STEALING IT.

    Like

  • Dani Alexis

    This post had me giggling like mad. I think I actually said “Aww, poor Purrito(TM)!” at one point

    I had to take our kitten (who shall henceforth be known as Needle-Swallowing Cat) to the vet last week after he swallowed a sewing needle, but that was not nearly as funny as it was TERRIFYING and OMG I AM A TERRIBLE CAT MOM. (He’s fine.)

    Like

  • Charleen

    What an adventure! And I love the Purrito (but don’t worry, I’m not going to steal it). Vet visits can be so scary, especially for poor Newcat, who doesn’t know what’s going on yet.

    My cat is also a little chunky, but mostly he’s just big. I can’t see him ever being under 12lbs and still be healthy. The past couple years he’s been hovering right about 14, but the vet (and I) would like to see him under 13. We don’t give him special food, but we do keep careful tabs on how much he gets (our cat is NOT a grazer, we give him a little in the morning and a little in the evening, otherwise he would eat ALL THE FOOD!!!), but I think he just isn’t quite as active as he was when we first got him. He still goes batshit crazy at least once a day, but he breaks it up with more naps.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I totally stole purrito without even knowing I did. I am so embarrassed! I should have researched it but I was SO SURE no one would have thought of something so awesomely clever!

      Dumbcat is very big-boned. I don’t know that he could lose much weight. Newcat might, though. She’s got a really fat belly.

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Vets are no fun. They cost money and then your pet dies.

    Like

  • lynnettedobberpuhl

    My Joe-kitty is a 12 pounder, and that is ON portion controlled diet food. I found out by taking him to the vet that cats sweat through their paws when they are nervous. He was leaving little damp pawprints all over the stainless steel table as he looked for the exit. Car rides are horrible, with all the meowing and panting. He kind of likes having his claws clipped, though.

    Purrito is a win!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Aw, but even though they need to lose weight, aren’t chubby cats the best? I kind of love them the most. Who wants to snorgle a bony cat? Not me!

      Like

      • greengeekgirl

        Sophie and Pepper are both chubby, around 12 lbs, and they are the MOST ADORABLE and also the most happy. And it’s really cute when Pepper is trying to clean her belly and she can’t quite reach and then sometimes she flops herself over, because she carries most of her extra weight right in her belly.

        I keep waiting for Lily to chub up, but I don’t know if she’s going to. Our other cats both did by the time they were her age, and she’s still pretty svelte.

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          My cat who passed away recently was never very big (and got much thinner as she got older.) Dumbcat has always been this size. He’s very big-boned, though. Which sounds like an excuse that someone would make for being chunky, but he really is. He’s just a large cat. Newcat, however, is smaller, physically, so could stand a little weight loss. I try to play with her more, too, so she’ll be a little more active.

          Like

          • greengeekgirl

            Sophie could probably stand to lose some weight. She does not have as large of a frame as Pepper does… as is evidenced by her head being sooo out of proportion with her body, hee! (Peps is much more proportional.) Sophie’s mom also had a small frame.

            Like

  • greengeekgirl

    When I took Sophie to get her first shots, I almost cried. She was so LITTLE! And so DISTRESSED! And my first baby! HOW COULD I BE SO MEAN AND LET THE VET STICK A NEEDLE INTO HERRRR.

    This past winter, I didn’t even bat an eyelash when they got their rabies boosters. I assume this is normal acclimation and not me being cold and heartless. I also assume that when it comes time to get vaccinations for my first human baby, I will bawl and bawl even though I know it is for his or her own good and I don’t want them to get measles or .. whatever the hell it is they vaccinate for these days, unless you’re a crazypants who thinks Jenny McCarthy is a doctor.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Rubella. I think one of the things is rubella. Ooh, also mumps.

      Wait, Jenny McCarthy’s not a doctor? DAMN. I gotta stop going to her.

      I used to be the one GIVING the shots at the shelter! I am the most heartless about shots. Well, I have a little heart when it comes to Dumbcat. He just looks so sad. Like I’ve betrayed him. AGAIN. So, so sad. And he hides his whole face in my shirt, because I am safe, even though I am the betrayer. That kills me.

      Like

  • Heather

    I’m glad the vet visit went relatively well, and that the kitties are healthy! I don’t even attempt to clip my cats’ claws on my own–I let the vet do it, and our vet hasn’t charged us for it yet. Hahaha!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Dumbcat I can do. Don’t know about Newcat yet. She doesn’t seem to want to have her feet touched. At all. Luckily her claws are currently clipped, so I have a little time to wait and see!

      Like

  • elaine4queen

    if teh kittez are sniffy about the new food, assuming it is dried food, this is what i did to make HECTOR eat his no brand dry puppy food – i added a forkful of wet food for yums.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      As far as I can tell, they’ll eat anything. I already tried mixing a little diet in with the regular and they didn’t even flinch. IT IS FOOD THEREFORE WE WILL EAT IT!!! say the cats!

      Like

      • elaine4queen

        Nice work if you can get it!

        I have had both fussy cats and dogs… indeed one cat seemed to know how much I had spent and would only eat food that was more and more expensive.

        Like

  • Nerija S.

    Oh, hilarious cat story. How do I giggle at thee? Let me count the ways:

    1. …he vibrated all over with purrs because MOMY IS ON TEH FLORE WITH MEEE! That is srsly adorable.

    2. Purrito. ( © Lucy’s Football )

    3. Poor Dumbcat thinking this is teh best day evah mommy is on teh flore with me and then suddenly OMG WHAT IS HAPPENING THIS IS NOT COMFORTABLE WHY AM I BLEEDING NOW… (I am a terrible person for laughing at this, aren’t I? Yeah…)

    4. Your description of Dumbcat’s bug-eyed cartoon face when he gets the thermometer up his bum. I may or may not have laughed the hardest at that. Possibly because it reminds me of my mom’s description of my brother when he was about a year old and she took him for a regular check-up, and he had to get a shot in the bum, and they put him on his tummy and gave him a toy to distract him, and it was totally working and he was smiling at the toy…and then suddenly his face scrunched up and he was all like, WHAT IS HAPPENING WHAT WAS THAT WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!? That may or may not be one of my favorite stories about my brother.

    5. The picture of the cat with the overalls.

    Like

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