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I assume this is the hopeless place in which to find love Rihanna was talking about.

Sometimes sj sends me awesome things. Well, a LOT of times, I don’t want it to sound like it’s only once and a WHILE the things she sends me are awesome. That would be a terribly ungrateful thing to say, now wouldn’t it? (And also untrue.)

So a while ago (I TOLD you guys I had a lot of things saved up! I wasn’t even LYING!) she sent me a link to the following. It is called “the saddest map in America.”

So apparently, someone named Dorothy Gambrell did a study for Psychology Today about where people, state by state, miss most connections on Craig’s List. The results are…well, kind of terrifyingly sad. This really might be the saddest thing ever.

First, I’m sure you know about Craig’s List Missed Connections, right? People see someone and think they have…I don’t know, a bond with them, or something, or they talk to them briefly, and then for whatever reason they don’t (or I guess can’t) ask them out. So they hit Craig’s List and they post a Missed Connection post, which very often read something like this:

Hot moma on the bus – m4f – 34

I was taking the bus yestrday to get to my job at the condem plant and saw you on the bus and gurl you are fine. You had long fingernailz adn also a hat. I asked you for gum because I had bad breath but you didn’t have no gum. If you want to hit this reply and tell me what body part I asked you to touch.

I wish I was kidding but I am sadly not at all kidding.

So let’s take a look at this map.

Well, obviously the saddest thing is that so many people miss their connections at Walmart. I don’t know if that says more about the type of people that go to Walmart or the type of people that use Missed Connections, to be honest. I can tell you right now I never once have seen someone that turned my crank (totally a euphemism) at Walmart. However, I have been boycotting Walmart for years, and go into one maybe…once a year? Maybe? And then only when I’m with one or the other of my parents who haven’t got many options for shopping OTHER than Walmart.

Save money; live better; regret for the rest of your life not asking out the lady buying the gallon of delousing shampoo.

Save money; live better; regret for the rest of your life not asking out the lady buying the gallon of delousing shampoo.

Also there are many states that are missing connections in supermarkets. I think a lot of people are squeezing melons and fondling avocados out there. I also enjoy missed connections at “McDonald’s” and “parking lots,” the State Fair and, my PERSONAL favorite, “at home.” I like to think of the “at home” people missing their connections with their husbands or wives, like two ships passing in the night. And then going on Craig’s List and writing to each other. “Saw you in the living room the other day. Like what you’ve done with your hair. Text me!”

However, I take offense at New York’s. “Subway”? REALLY? Well, I get it. New York City is the most populated part of our state. True. But I do not LIVE in New York City. I live in ALBANY. And we have a Craig’s List, too, you know. We TOTALLY do. With its OWN Missed Connections section! (I cannot ensure, if you click on that, it’s safe for work. Or for those of you that like good spelling, grammar, or taste.)

"Hey, boy, liked they way you looked all disaffected and shit, if you like talking about the environment and long foreign films, I might be the one for you!"

“Hey, boy, liked they way you looked all disaffected and shit, if you like talking about the environment and long foreign films, I might be the one for you!”

WELL! What was I to do with that?

Ms. Gambrell, to get her results, collected each state’s 100 most recent missed connections per state (which makes sense – New York City, of course, is going to have a higher number of postings that little old Albany.)

SO, because I am SCIENCY, I went on OUR Craig’s List (and didn’t even catch an STD, I’m pretty impressed, too) and read through enough sad, scary Missed Connections to collect 100 of them with locations in them to come up with the following ALBANY statistics for you. I know. You don’t even have to thank me. YOU ARE WELCOME!

Work                          13
Restaurant              10
Bar                                8
Gas station                8
Grocery store          7
Gym                             6
Mall                              5
Home                           5
Driving                        4
Online dating            4
Hospital                      3
Bank                             3
Walmart                     2
Coffee shop               2
Radio Shack              2
Drugstore                   2
Massage parlor
Best Buy
Hockey game
Time Warner Cable
Home Depot
Hotel
Dollar store
Bus stop
Jiffy Lube
Auto repair shop
Game Stop
Bowling station
DMV
Porn shop
Verizon
Goodwill

WELL! What have we learned about Albany, or at least the type of people who post on Albany Craig’s List?

Apparently, we miss most of our connections at work. That makes me sad. If you work with the person (or if the person is a delivery person or whatever) you see them regularly, I’d assume? Flirt with them. Lead up to asking them out, maybe as part of a group thing, I don’t know. I know it’s awkward, because you work together, but you’re obviously hoping that something will happen, otherwise you wouldn’t have posted on Craig’s List. So DO something about it, jellybean, or you’re going to spend the rest of your life wracked with regret.

Psst, Brian, let's go photocopy our naughty bits together.

Psst, Brian, let’s go photocopy our naughty bits together.

A lot of people have missed connections at restaurants and the person they’re missing connections with are the servers. I am pleased to report that once, I had a hot waiter, and I gave him my number, and he, a friend of his, and a friend of mine went on a somewhat-successful double date. He was pretty. There was kissing. It didn’t happen again, but he also wasn’t a psycho-killer and I can say I gave a stranger my number one time, you know, in case that ever comes up in conversation or whatever.

I couldn't say this one with a straight face. I hate raisins. SO MUCH.

I couldn’t say this one with a straight face. I hate raisins. SO MUCH.

There are a lot of things you would expect on here, but also some perplexing things. “Home,” for the record, are people who are secretly in love with their neighbors, not sending out missed connections to their wives or husbands. One of the “driving” people was trying to hook up with the cop that pulled her over for speeding, and I’m not even kidding about that. The “online dating” people made me so sad. They were people who had been talking to someone online, and then the person stopped talking to them or returning their calls, so they hit Craig’s List as a last-ditch effort to reconnect. Aw, honey. The person didn’t get hit by a bus, they’re no longer interested. I’m sorry to hit you with some hard truth, here, but it’s the way of the world. The “hospital” people were in love with their nurses. Which I think says something about their psyches more than anything. Those people are paid to be nice to you, sweetheart. “Radio Shack” made me confused, mostly because I wasn’t aware we even still had a Radio Shack, let alone that people were missing connections at one. Don’t people just buy their electronics online nowadays? Then we’ve got the porn store or massage parlor people, of course, as you do. Or the dollar store/Goodwill people.

So there you have it: Albany’s biggest missed connection is: WORK. So! Do yourself a favor, and if you are secretly in love with your cubicle-mate, ask him or her out for a drink or to Applebee’s or something. (Once, I was totally in love with my coworker Jim. Jim was SO HANDSOME. However, even though there was quite a bit of flirting, I realized he was just flirty, and not madly in love with me as I’d hoped, so I gave up, with a sigh of melancholy. Every now and then I think of pretty, pretty Work-Jim and smile, because even though nothing happened, it was a fun few months of flirting, and getting dressed up for work and looking forward to actually GOING to work and such. Aw, Work-Jim, I hope you are doing well wherever you ended up, you were a fun, and all-too-brief, distraction.)

Oh – Newcat update and SIDE NOTE! She is well. She still wants nothing to do with Dumbcat and he is still fascinated by her. She is very lovey with me unless I bother her when she is sleeping; then she becomes a complete ball of hisses and growls and bites and claws, which is an interesting and worrisome cat-behavior. She has a checkup on Thursday to make sure she’s healthy because she’s limping a little and I want to make sure she’s alright (plus I’m a responsible cat-mom and Dumbcat needs his annual booster shots and checkup as well.) She’s still a little skittish, but things are all very new here. I’m very happy, overall, with the progress, and the past two nights, the cats have cuddled me, one on one side, one on the other, and I’ve been very warm and loved. So all’s well!

Left side...

Left side…

...and right side. I'm buffered by warm kittehs.

…and right side. I’m buffered by warm kittehs.

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

52 responses to “I assume this is the hopeless place in which to find love Rihanna was talking about.

  • becomingcliche

    I had no idea about Missed Connections. I imagine there are pages of people over their pining for me, so I will stay away. I’m married and all.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      You know, I thought for sure (I’d never really even looked at our Missed Connections before this post) that so many of them would be for me? But I didn’t find any. Well, there were some vague ones. So those were probably for me. I don’t like to tell people about that, though, because it makes me sound VAIN.

      Like

      • becomingcliche

        Oh, shoot. Do I sound vain? Crap. It’s just I KNOW what kind of impact I have on people at the grocery store.

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        • lucysfootball

          No, no, not at all. I was being the most sarcastic, as I know I do not inspire missed-connections-style feelings toward people. More like “thank GOODNESS I missed that connection, that woman is LOONEY!”

          You, however, I think, would inspire ALL the missed connections. You’d better get over there and see!

          Like

          • becomingcliche

            See, I just really think I would. I get all the looks when I go to Wal-mart. All of them.

            Like

            • lucysfootball

              Yeah, me, too, mostly because I think they’re thinking, “Why is she being so eye-rolly about this place?”

              Like

              • becomingcliche

                And “Why is she shopping here if she keeps saying how much she hates this place?”

                They want me.

                Like

                • lucysfootball

                  I really only go with my parents when I go home, because there are about 2 places to shop up there, and one’s a Walmart. (The other’s a grocery store. Oh, wait, there’s also a Dollar Store. So, three, then.) And as much as I’d like to say I stand firm and don’t buy anything there because I’m boycotting, I always have to get a bag of their peanut butter cups, because they are AMAZING. I wish I could find exactly the same kind elsewhere, because they’re the best things. They are just a smoosh of deliciousness in your mouth.

                  They DO want you. It’s because they know that one time, you got to touch a penguin. And on a regular basis, you hang with tortoises.

                  Like

  • Charleen

    Aw, the warm kittehs! I can feel the love from here.

    And yeah… I have to wonder what kind of people have a “missed connection” online… and then proceed to try to rectify that situation… online… The mind truly boggles.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Some of the missed connection people were really sad. One guy was posting the same terrible poem every DAY. She’s not going to answer you, dude. Stop.

      The kitties are the best! They are mostly not attacking each other and behaving pretty well! :)

      Like

  • sj

    I’m so glad you took the time to figure out At Home. I was quite concerned about those folks.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Our “at home” people were in love with their neighbors, UPS men, or in one odd case, a cop who came over to break up a neighbor’s fight. I didn’t know how else to list them, so I decided they must be the “at home” people since they were missing connections from their home base, right?

      I’m still kind of concerned about them. If you have a missed connection with someone you see all the time, TALK TO THEM! I think they’re using missed connections wrong.

      Like

  • Mer

    I am so very, very sad for the Walmart people. And around here? Sometimes there are goats at the Walmart…yikes!

    I missed welcoming New Cat! Hooray for New Cat! She looks a bit like my newest cat. Happy snuggling.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Wait, goats? At the Walmart? Like, just hanging out, or for sale? THIS is exciting! There were never goats when I was living there!

      You would love Newcat! She is attitudinous but cannot help herself from needing cuddles so she comes over and snuggles up close but pretends she isn’t doing it by putting on a bored face. And I woke up last night and she was all snuggled up against my back. She needed a home. I’m so glad she was at the shelter when I went there. We were meant to find each other, I think!

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Bah. People are lonely. And stupid. I can’t say that I’m surprised.

    Like

  • DogsDontPurr

    Tortie cats are known more than most cats to have a snippy personality. Someone told me this *after* I adopted mine. And it is true. I started doing some pet sitting, and that personality really stands out with Torties.

    But don’t fear, they do mellow over time. My cat is about 6 now and she’s still mellowing!

    I think you said that you’d had a Tortie before. I’m betting that you will see some very similar distinct personality traits with Newcat.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      My very first cat (the one that I lost at the end of 2011) was a tortie. She always had the attitude, and some days it made me pull my hair out, but mostly it made me smile, because the torti attitude and the Amy attitude are very, very similar. We’re a good match.

      I was so pleased to see Newcat at the shelter – she was on the shelter’s FB page, but I thought for sure a cat as beautiful as she is would have been snapped up before I could get there. I was shocked she’d been there since November. She has slight behavior issues, but so do I. We’ll deal with them. I’ve found unconditional love and a lot of snuggling works wonders. :)

      Like

      • greengeekgirl

        Noey (the cat we had that looked like Newcat that I told you about) also had attitude for miles. I loved her so much, though. She used to climb on top of my head (while I was sitting up–she would sit on my head) and clean me after I’d taken a shower, since I smelled “bad” like soap.

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          I’ve known two torties in my life before Newcat and both had all the attitude. It’s probably just a fallacy that a color of cat can act a certain way, but having been around a few of them, I’m going to say it’s got a grain of truth in it. I’ve never seen cats that act like torties do. (And I kind of love it.)

          Like

          • greengeekgirl

            Sophie has a little bit of that attitude, too, despite her soft grey coloring. It’s not QUITE the same, but it’s very similar in some ways. She has that grumble down pat, too. NONE of our cats makes “normal” cat meows–Sophie grumbles, Lily chirps, and Pepper squeaks (when she talks at all, which is usually only when she thinks she can get human food).

            Speaking of cats, I am watching Pepper right now–she is standing in front of our computer monitor for our desktop and looking at it very intently, even though it’s turned off. She’s …. four? yes, she’ll be five this summer.. and she’s only just now discovered reflections, it seems. We were giggling yesterday because she was so fascinated by the darkened screen; I kept waving my hand around and watching her head dart back and forth.

            Like

  • Samantha

    I totally just read a blog about this, and someone who made a book of paintings of the missed connections! (The sweeter, odder, less gross ones). Just in case you wanna see:

    http://newyorkcliche.com/2013/02/21/romance-missed-connections-sophie-blackall/

    I have had my share of hot waiters in my lifetime. However, I would never have gotten up the nerve to give them my number. To this, I say go you! :D

    And I didn’t know you’d gotten a new kitty! Congrats! I hope soon she learns to live with Dumbcat. Dumbcat looks so adorable all curled up. She looks very interested in your computer screen. :)

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      You are EVIL! I totally just bought that book because of you! What an amazing artist, and how much fun is that!

      (You’re not really evil. Thank you!)

      I was in England at the time and was 20. I felt like I could conquer the WORLD. I can’t imagine I would ask a waiter out now!

      Dumbcat is the most photogenic and the cutest sleeper. Poor Newcat is the least photogenic, but so pretty in real life! Once she gets used to me, I’ll get better shots of her. She’s still a little skittish about the camera, while Dumbcat’s all “MOM MOM MOMMMMM TAKE A PHOTO OF MY PRETTINESS FOR THE INTERWEB PEOPLE!”

      Like

  • 35JupiterDrive

    Ah, I too, was going to point you toward Sophie Blackall, artist extraordinaire of Missed Connections NY. http://missedconnectionsny.blogspot.com

    Yay, Newcat! I have not caught up on your blog yet. I’m getting there! I love Newcat. (And when I saw Dumbcat, I thought, what a pretty, pretty cat Dumbcat is. He really is gorgeous. And so is she.)

    Like

  • greengeekgirl

    So many things! I shall number them for efficiency.

    First: I am SO DISAPPOINT that Ohio’s main missed connections is Walmart. I’m not SURPRISED, but I am disappointed.

    Second: Dang, Radio Shack must be a hot spot for almost picking people up! I didn’t even know people WENT to Radio Shack anymore.

    Third: AWW KITTIES SNUGGLING SO CUTE I LOVE CATS AND I LOVE YOU SO IT IS THE BEST

    Fourth: I see sj in the picture of Newcat! Hee.

    Fifth: I learned this year the importance of getting the boosters regularly when we had the Great Bat Invasion of 2012. Because even if your pets don’t go out, BATS CAN GET IN YOUR HOUSE WTF.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I didn’t even know Radio Shack still existed, to be honest. A friend and I were talking about it the other day – he needed to buy cables for a theater project he was working on – and we had a big discussion about how if there was still a Radio Shack, they’d have them, and was there still a Radio Shack? And I think he ended up buying them online. As civilized people do, nowadays.

      I missed getting Dumbcat his shots last year because of unemployment, so he’s a little overdue. But the timing is good – I’ll just bring them both in tomorrow. I’m usually pretty good about their shots because I worry – what if they get out?

      Like

      • greengeekgirl

        I see Radio Shacks every now and again in strip malls–and I always giggle because I read some book when I was younger (I think it might have been the Babysitters Club?) where someone called it “Radio Snack” and that’s how I always think of it in my head.

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          I remember it was a big deal when I was a kid, but I can’t imagine it gets a lot of business now. I would think most people would get their electronics either online or at Best Buy or something, right?

          Like

          • 35JupiterDrive

            There’s a mall in Palm Springs (this is a bummer, actually) and I think the only business left in it is Radio Shack. That’s it. The rest of the mall is empty. It’s eerie to go there.

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            • lucysfootball

              That’s kind of awesome. That’s like the abandoned mall near me that for the longest time was only a movie theater. I think the movie theater closed down recently, though, which sucked. No one was ever there, so you could see a whole big movie in a VERY quiet theater.

              Like

  • Heather

    I didn’t miss MY connection at WalFart…I married him! HOLLA!

    Like

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