Creepy things and what not to do in the city: Amy’s Dad reports!

Two days until ADVENTURES! I’m getting totally antsy. Well, I’ve BEEN antsy. I’m getting antsy-ER. Also, guess what time I have to get up on Saturday. No, seriously, guess. FOUR A.M. I know! That is a real time! That people get out of warm beds! To DO things! I have to be at the train station at 6. I think that’s overkill since the train doesn’t leave until 7 or something but what if I didn’t show up when they told me to and they didn’t let me go? I WOULD BE SO CRUSHED. There might be weeping. Weeping! In the train station! The worst KIND of weeping! Well, airport weeping’s pretty bad, too. I’ve totally done airport-weeping and bus-station-weeping, but have not yet hit the trifecta and conquered train-station-weeping, so let’s stay away from that one, ok? Great. Good.

No weeping in the train station! It totally upsets the trains.

No weeping in the train station! It totally upsets the trains.

I have a strange Dad-story called AN ODD CREATURE.

Dad: I need you to investigate something for me.
Me: Like a gumshoe? Or on the internet? I could do either, but the second would be easier, only because I wouldn’t have to get off the couch.
Dad: People in the real world don’t say gumshoe.

I found this on the internet. I'm pretty sure this is most definitely a euphemism.

I found this on the internet. I’m pretty sure this is most definitely a euphemism.

Me: What world am I in, I wonder?
Dad: I don’t know the answer to that. YES, on the INTERNETS.
Me: Oh, I’m very good at the internet. What am I investigating?
Dad: I went to the wood lot the other day and there was this dirt all over the snow.
Me: I don’t know that I can internet-stalk dirt, Dad.
Dad: So I looked closely at that dirt. And it was NOT dirt. Guess what it was.
Me: This is mysterious. I really have no idea what dirt that is not dirt is.
Dad: SNOW FLEAS.
Me: What? Snow fleas? Snow fleas are a thing?
Dad: Yes. The SNOW is covered in FLEAS. Little black fleas. If you scoop them up they start moving. And also you can squish them.


Me: Well, doesn’t that sound like a fun afternoon activity. Do they bite you like fleas?
Dad: I don’t know. I didn’t give them a chance. I squished ’em.
Me: I am kind of grossed out by this right now.
Dad: I want you to investigate these fleas and also how they live on snow because that snow is cold.
Me: OK. I can investigate this. I seriously have never heard of snow fleas. I’ve heard of sand fleas, but not snow fleas.
Dad: They’re really a thing because I was squishing them today.
Me: I’ll see what the internet has to say. I’ll let you know.

I really didn’t think snow fleas were a thing. I know. I should probably trust my own dad, right?

SNOW FLEAS ARE A THING!

But they’re not really fleas. They’re springtails. Springtails! Teeny-tiny little insects that pop around by curling their tails under their butts and popping around. They are  not black, but very dark blue. And when it warms up they sometimes crawl out on the surface of the snow. The internet says they do this to look for food but I think a better explanation is that they do this just to be creepy.

*shivers*

*shivers*

Also, they remind me of earwigs. Andreas, you are our Science Fellow, are springtails akin to earwigs? And if so, do you think a springtail would climb in your ear and lay eggs? GROSS GROSS GROSS. (Don’t yell at me, Andreas, I know it’s an urban legend. That doesn’t mean it still doesn’t give me the heebie-jeebies.)

*DOUBLE shivers*

*DOUBLE shivers*

Also, Wikipedia tells me that snow fleas have some sort of natural antifreeze that sciency-types are investigating to see if it can be used for organ transport and possibly (and strangely) ice cream. Please don’t put snow flea guts in my ice cream, people. I find this fascinating, mostly because I love sciency things.

So I called Dad and let him know about the snow fleas.

Me: Snow fleas are not fleas! They are SPRINGTAILS! And they have antifreeze in their tummies! Did you get the link I sent you?
Dad: I clicked on that link. You’re lucky it wasn’t porn. Your mother doesn’t let me click on porn.

Oh no!

Oh no!

Me: Why would…why the HELL would I have sent you porn in the guise of researching snow fleas? That doesn’t sound like me at all.
Dad: I’m just telling you, your mother wouldn’t like that, and also it would give me a virus, probably.
Me: Yeah, herpes.
Dad: HERPES. That is a good one. Because it’s like a sex-virus. You’re quick.
Me: I know. I learned from the best. ANYWAY, this conversation has taken an odd turn. SPRINGTAILS! ANTIFREEZE-BELLIES!
Dad: I like how you’ve turned bugs into cartoon characters.
Me: They totally are. Don’t squish them anymore. They have magic antifreeze!
Dad: You should ask the internet why they’re in my wood lot.
Me: The internet is often not that specific. I can’t just say, “Why are snow fleas in my dad’s wood lot, interweb?”
Dad: Maybe someday you can. The internet might get smarter someday.
Me: You’re the one who’s always worried it’s TOO smart and also controlled by the government and getting in our brains.
Dad: IT IS.
Me: Um…then I rest my case? I guess?

Then Dad had some helpful advice for my upcoming trip to the City. VERY HELPFUL.

Dad: When you go to that city, you shouldn’t go to the subway, because that’s where people push you onto the tracks. And you shouldn’t also go on the streets, because that’s where people shoot you with guns but they won’t let you have big sodas. Also don’t go places like buildings, because sometimes they get bombed or robbed. And also don’t go in the park because serial killers. And don’t go in restaurants because everything is much too expensive so maybe bring a granola bar. And don’t drink the water because you’ll catch diseases. Probably liberalism. MORE liberalism, I mean.

Dad should probably do one of these, he seems to know about what's up there.

Dad should probably do one of these, he seems to know about what’s up there.

Me: So…I should go to the City and stay in the train station?

Dad: Oh. Oh, no no. Train stations are bad news. Almost as bad as subways. There are panhandlers there. Best to just stay home.

There you have it: Dad’s advice for a fun trip to the City. DON’T GO.

(Don’t worry. I’m still going. I can’t even wait. I’m not even counting the days anymore. I’m counting the HOURS now. I’m very very excited. I’m bouncy like…a springtail! I AM TOTALLY BOUNCY LIKE A SPRINGTAIL WITH A SPRINGY BUTT!)

I hope no one squishes me, yo, that’d be the worst, right?

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

26 responses to “Creepy things and what not to do in the city: Amy’s Dad reports!

  • becomingcliche

    Oh, no! Cat picture! Can’t breathe! Can’t stop laughing!

    There are people who raise springtails to feed to their lizards. I am supposed to get a couple of geckos soon. Maybe snow fleas are just what they need.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I almost didn’t post the cat-porn. Then I decided, this is MUCH TOO FUNNY not to post. I’m glad it was a success!

      Those springtails are so small! The lizards must eat so many of them! Ooh, geckos, what kind? I love geckos!

      Like

  • Emily M.

    I wonder how many people will get to your blog next month by asking Google “Why are snow fleas in my dad’s wood lot?” ;)

    Like

  • sj

    I LOVE AMY’S DAD DAYS! Hiiiiiiiiii, Amy’s Dad! It’s me, your favourite!

    Like

  • Jim W

    “They’re really a thing because I was squishing them today.” this is straight out of Descartes cogito. Or maybe it’s from “Nausea” by Sartre…bottom line, THEY EXIST!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Or maybe “Waiting for Godot.” I’m not sure if Dad would be Godot and the bugs would be Vladimir and Estragon, or vice-versa. All I know is, Godot finally showed up. And possibly squished those who were waiting for him.

      Like

  • handflapper

    Husband has been yelling, “What’s so funny?” at me for the past five minutes but I couldn’t answer him because I couldn’t stop laughing or reading. You and your dad remind me of me and my son sometimes. Except he’s the one always chiding me about the Internet. He doesn’t trust the Internet. I find it odd for a youngster to have such an Internet antipathy.

    I have never seen snow fleas, but once I kept hearing this irregular clicking noise in my house. I could not figure out where it was coming from. I walked all through the house and finally saw this bug fly through the air. Except it wasn’t flying, because it had no wings. It was launching! I watched it and the stupid bug landed on its back. And then it launched itself again. And when it launched itself off its back and into the air, it made a clicking sound. I think it was trying to flip itself over? But for some reason it kept landing on its back. This went on a long time until I scooped it up and threw it outside. The whole thing was very unsettling.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      YAY! I love making people long-distance laugh. It’s my favorite!

      My brother’s the same way about the internet, and he’s younger than I am. He’s the one that, at one point, told me everyone I talk to on the internet is “a rapist, or only has one hand.” When I asked him how he came up with this statistic, he very seriously said, “EVERYONE knows that, Amy.” One hand made me laugh. It STILL makes me laugh, and it’s been like a year.

      I think that bug might have been related to my cat. That sounds very much like something my cat would do. He fell off the couch the other night and then randomly attacked his own leg, as if it was the cause of the falling. He’s not bright.

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Ok. So many things. It’s unfortunate that I’m stuck on my phone though, as it makes typing so much more frustrating.

    You have to get up at 4 am? Now I feel really bad. That’s very early and you’re going to get very tired as the day progress.

    No, springtails are not akin to earwigs. In fact, they’re not even insects, even if they have 3 pair of legs. And no animals are known to crawl into the ears of humans to lay eggs.

    The sodas are still pretty big. In fact, I can’t imagine a human being being able to consume larger quantities of carbonated beverages than those available for sale now.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Andreas, do you know one of the things I like most about you? I’m going to write it right here so EVERYONE sees it and totally embarrass you, too. I like that you are so humble that you don’t think I would get up, willingly, at 4am, to travel to see you. You are aware, aren’t you, that not only will I happily bounce out of bed at 4am, but, if it was needed, I would go the whole night WITHOUT sleep in order to see you? You traveled for like 24 hours or something to get here; the least I can do is travel a few hours to see you, even if it means getting up earlier than I usually do. (I’ll just go to bed earlier the night before. PLEASE don’t feel bad.) And no, I won’t get tired that day. Don’t worry. I’ll be so hyper and happy and in my favorite city and meeting you – I’ll be a ball of energy. Promise.

      But the internet SAID they were insects! Oh, that internet is no match for my Science Fellow! I know they don’t lay eggs in our ears, but that’s why they’re called earwigs, because people THINK they do. Oh, silly people.

      I love that you think the smaller sodas are still pretty big. I won’t tell Dad that you said that, he’ll call you a communist.

      Like

    • 35JupiterDrive

      Wait. If they aren’t insects, what are they? ::confused:: (You can tell I’m not a science fellow.)

      Like

  • The Waiting

    OK, you had me laughing SO HARD with this one! Loved it! And your dad’s right in saying that the Internet may actually become smart enough some day to actually pinpoint the why’s and the how’s of the snowfleas in his wood lot. Why, just the other day, someone was directed to my blog by Googling the following:

    “when i was a child in fayetteville north carolina my friends mom made the best thick and chewy chocolate chip cookies i want that recipe”

    Clearly this person puts a lot of faith in the Intertron. Someday it will deliver.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      YAY! I’m so glad this made people laugh. Good. There needs to be more laughter in the world.

      I won’t warn Dad the internet’s about to get smarter. He’ll get VERY nervous.

      Isn’t it amazing the search terms people put into Google? I lost a beloved teddy bear in my childhood. Someday I’m going to put THAT into Google. “Who stole my best teddy bear from the bus that time?” If Google can answer it, I will be happy. Also petrified.

      Like

  • Heather

    CAT PORN. Oh my goodness.

    Again, your dad is the best. (I will probably end up saying this after every dad post you write.)

    Like

  • Nerija S.

    Ewww, I flinched at the first picture of the snow fleas, then shivered at the close-up of one, then DOUBLE-shivered at the earwig close-up. I do not like bugs.

    Like

  • mfennvt

    Ooh! I knew about the springtails! First saw them in the snow in Colorado. Reaction: WTH are these things?! I love to watch them jump around, but hadn’t thought of the earwig connection before. *shudder*

    Like

  • Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd

    If you stay in the train station and start telling everyone about snow fleas and anti-freeze bellies, you may start to get some donations yourself.

    Like

  • 35JupiterDrive

    I hate that they keep adding bug stuff to delicious food items. I’m going to be stuck eating just vegetables.

    Damn.

    (I’m catching up … so I get to experience the whole Andreas visit now! Yay!)

    Like

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