Death by Chocolate (not a euphemism)

One more weekend of the play and we’re all done! I am ready for some relaxing so I’m glad to see it go, although I’m very proud of it so will be sad for it to end. CONFLICTED I AM CONFLICTED. But not all that conflicted, mostly because it means my weekends are (mostly) my own again.

AND AND AND! A week from tomorrow – so EIGHT DAYS FROM TODAY – is TOTALLY Andreas-day! He will actually be here much earlier in the week doing work-things, but I will get to meet him on Saturday. I’m seriously so excited I can barely sit still. BOUNCING AND BOUNCING. Tonight Dad said, “You might be a little keyed up about that.” I MIGHT JUST BE! JUST A LITTLE BIT! (“Keyed up” is a Dad-ism. It’s a step above excited and just a weeeee bit below manic. Dad disapproves heartily of being keyed up. He thinks people should always be calm, cool and collected. Or at least they should PRETEND to be; otherwise, it is unseemly. Dad thinks we should always be seemly. OTHER people are unseemly. WE are SEEMLY. (I constantly let him down by having EMOTIONS and FEELINGS which are not RATIONAL ZOMG!!!)

I’m fairly sure Dad would find Grover unseemly. I am very much LIKE Grover, however. THIS IS HOW EXCITED I AM.

I have an important work story called: I Am Practical.

My boss (who sits kind of across from me and behind a counter with some printers on it) was VERY EXCITED today because someone left her a candy bar on her desk while she was at lunch. So she totally ate that candy bar. Then she was all, “I wonder who left me that candy bar! I would like to thank them.” So she started calling people randomly to see if they were the chocolate-gifter but no one fessed up to it.

SUSPICIOUS.

I sat there kind of horrified because I was pretty sure she was doing that in the wrong order. Aren’t you supposed to FIRST find out where your gift chocolate came from, THEN eat it? It was like Halloween, only MUCH MORE DISTRESSING.

So she said, in a musing tone, “I wish I knew who gave me this. Ooh, it could have been John.” (She didn’t say John, I don’t remember who she said, someone we work with. There are a billion people there and I only know like three of their names. I’m really terrible with names.)

So of course I said, “Or maybe a killer.” I mean, what else are you going to say, other than the truth?

Think about it. Wouldn’t this be the best way to kill someone? You poison a candy bar and then cunningly wrap it back up and place it on someone’s desk. And probably they’d eat it. Most people would think, aw! A thoughtful and delicious gift!

NOT ME, SUCKERS. I WOULD NOT EAT YOUR SUSPICIOUS GIFT-CANDY. YOU’RE NOT GETTING ME THAT EASILY!!!

My boss said, “What? Amy? What?” and I said again, “A killer. A killer probably left that, N.”

This made her laugh and laugh. Then she kept saying, “Amy thinks it was a KILLER that left me that chocolate!”

Listen, I’m just practical, here. I’m just looking out for my boss, who is also a wonderful person and my friend and I like her lots AND much. You don’t just eat gift chocolate. That could be the last thing you eat, you don’t know. YOU HAVE TO BE CAREFUL ABOUT FOOD THAT APPEARS WITHOUT WARNING. Did we learn nothing from Snow White? Ok, fine, so that apple didn’t appear out of NOWHERE, a seemingly benign little old woman gave it to her, but STILL, that put her in a glass coffin where people STARED at her for like EVER and then some man KISSED her without even her SAY-SO. I mean, is that the path that my boss wants to go down? Is it really?

Bad move, Snow. BAD MOVE.

I had to drop some files off with her before I left for the day and I told her she looked peaked and then I touched her arm and said, “Yep. Definitely feverish. First sign of mystery chocolate poisoning” and shook my head sadly. She laughed the most. I told her I was just keepin’ it real, yo.

I am a very good coworker, as you can see. Very practical. Lookin’ out for ma peeps.

(No, she never found out who gave her the mystery chocolate. I know. It’s distressing.)

AND, this week, we announced (FINALLY!) our 2013-2014 season at the theater, hooray!

We are doing:

• Big Maggie by John B. Keane, which is an Irish dramedy about a woman whose cheating husband has just passed away, so she decides to lay down the law with her children, who she thinks are going down the wrong path. It’s dark and a little twisted and the director is one of our best local directors and it will be wonderful. I’m really looking forward to it.
• ‘night, Mother by Marsha Norman, one of my favorite plays of all time (cue the daughter of one of my friends who always says, “AMY! All you like are REALLY DARK THINGS!” She’s not wrong) directed by my friend N., who loves it as much as I do, so I know he’s going to knock it out of the park. You know ‘night, Mother, right? If you don’t, I’m not going to spoil it for you, as much as I’d like to. It’d be a totally asshole thing to do. It’s just that good. In brief, and non-spoilery: the play opens with Jessie telling her mother, who is also her roommate, because Jessie’s life has kind of imploded, as lives go, that she has decided she is going to kill herself. Jessie’s mom, of course, doesn’t believe her. Over the course of the play, Jessie explains: no. She is very serious. Her life is terrible, she has nothing left, and she’s made all the necessary plans. This is the night, she has the gun. This is it. Her mother’s job is to attempt to talk her out of it. Yes. I love dark things. Love them. And this play has been one of my favorites since college. Mainly because it clearly and honestly represents depression. It’s the one play this season I am most excited about; I’ve wanted to see it onstage again for almost twenty years now. I’m so very excited it was chosen, and with N. directing it.
  

  Here is a very young Kathy Bates in “‘night, Mother” on Broadway. IT IS SO GOOD YOU GUYS. Also there’s a movie, with Sissy Spacek, if you like that kind of thing.

• Boeing Boeing by Marc Camoletti, which is a silly French farce where a man thinks it is a very good idea to have THREE GIRLFRIENDS who are ALL FLIGHT ATTENDANTS and since they’re always in and out at different times, they don’t know about each other so HE WINS GIRLFRIENDING. Well, if you guess “they all happen to have layovers at the same time” as to what happens in this play YOU WIN GUESSING FRENCH FARCES. People will love this; it will do very well; we need to have at least one comedy because this is a very dark season (which, as mentioned, I love.) Friend A. is directing this one and he is wonderful and has such a good eye for things. It will be great.
• All My Sons by Arthur Miller. WE ARE DOING AN ARTHUR MILLER PLAY. I know. That totally needs a ZOMG, right? Surprisingly, I hadn’t read this play before the committee this year and it’s important, beautifully-written and heavy and sobering; it’s wonderful theater, and one of our OTHER best local directors is directing this one, so it’s going to be amazing.

I’m really proud of the season, and proud of the work we did choosing it. I’ve got some more theater news coming up soon, probably in a few days, but we’ll talk about that when it comes. Also some OTHER exciting news, but that’ll come when it comes. No point jumping the gun. You’ll just get shot, who needs that shit? If you go to the ER, they have to report that to the cops. ALL GUNSHOTS GET REPORTED TO THE COPS. Don’t you watch Law and Order?

Have a happy weekend, all good boys and girls. Also, all bad boys and girls, I’m not picky about your goodness. You be as good or bad as you want, just don’t get arrested, I don’t have bail in my back pocket, yo.