Never trust a man named Stinky. I feel this is a common-sense thing.

I have two very important things to tell you! TWO THINGS! And possibly more, who knows what will happen, I get distracted a lot, I’m like a kitten with string and/or toy mice.

So today, Andreas and I attempted to Skype AGAIN. We are nothing if not persistent. But immediately, Skype did not work. So I sent poor Andreas many many all-caps messages like “SKYPE HATES ME” and “I HATE VIDEO CHATTING” and “THIS IS NOT LIKE JETSONS-WORLD AT ALLLLLL” and he was very patient and said, “Now we will try Tango” which apparently is like Skype only not Skype, and not the sexy dance. (SIDE NOTE! I had to do the tango in this play I was in once, in college? And I cannot dance, not even the slightest bit at all? So they even had me go to the dance teacher lady on campus for lessons and I made her put her head down and make suspicious noises that I think were probably weeping-noises? Yeah, so this story ends with I kind of wasn’t very good at that at all, and probably shouldn’t dance in public or private or kind of anywhere again ever. SO, of course when Andreas was all “I’m going to invite you to Tango” I was all “NO NO NEVER AGAIN I MADE MISS SIDNEY CRY!” but come to find out it was ok after all.)

I promise you right now I didn't look anything like this. There was more falling and/or tripping.

I promise you right now I didn’t look anything like this. There was more falling and/or tripping.

So we tried Tango and it didn’t even download right away because the internet hated me today but then it FINALLY downloaded and then we tried Tango and guess what? No. Seriously. Guess.


It let us call each other, then it let us say, “Hello?” but not see each other’s faces, and then it immediately hung up on us. Numerous times. So then there was a flurry of ALL-CAPS EMAILS. Repeating my earlier “ZOMG ANDREAS I AM BREAKING THE INTERNET.” And because Andreas is calm, he replied with, “Yes. Yes you are. Let’s try again.”

We decided to try Skype again, because we could at least not-talk and type. So that was pathetic and sad, but ok, sort-of.

So then we Skyped and it kept doing that freezing crap so we typed and then I heard adorable noises so Andreas went to get his wonderful amazing son! And apparently, that FIXED SKYPE! Because then Skype started working! So I could see Andreas’ son! And here’s the best part, ready? I MADE HIM LAUGH! He laughed an adorable baby-laugh! I MADE A BABY LAUGH ALL THE WAY IN FINLAND! Also, he is WONDERFUL. He has the most amazing eyes and he totally pays attention to you and puts his whole hand in his mouth and laughs and laughs.

So Andreas and I got to talk with our faces AND our mouths, and we stalked each other and also various places we are going in New York City on Google Streetview and talked about his upcoming trip and various things and this and that and LISTEN. I’m totally the most awkward talking on the phone to anyone but my parents? It is the truth. I am very weird about phones. And probably just as weird about video-phones, if I had ever used one successfully.

STREET VIEW! I like street view. It makes me feel like I am right there. I think it's magical.

STREET VIEW! I like street view. It makes me feel like I am right there. I think it’s magical.

HOWEVER! It was not at all awkward with Andreas. This could be for a variety of reasons: we email and talk so often it’s like we already know each other; Andreas is just very cool so things are easy; magic; all of the above. I choose d.

Anyway, this is a very good sign that our New York City trip will be a grand success. And BFF totally guessed where we were going after reading yesterday’s post. I got a text all “YOU ARE GOING TO ______!” and I texted back “Hee, yep, we totally are.” He wins guessery!

And then tonight I went to the bookstore to buy Andreas’ wonderful daughter some books so she can have presents from the crazy lady from Merka. And also got a present for the most wonderful baby boy, and then this week will get presents for Andreas and his lovely fiancée. I HAVE ALL THE PLANS AND SCHEMES!!! (I cannot tell you what they are now, but once they are gifted, I totally will, because they are fun and awesome.)

(Also, I got to see my wonderful bookstore friend K., who is not my theater friend K. – although she IS a theater friend, just not THAT theater friend, THIS IS ALL VERY CONFUSING I’M SORRY! and she helped me pick out the best books for a wonderful little girl with the best smile ever. And we had the best talk. I haven’t seen her in a while and it was so nice to see her and we are going to get together soon for an airing of grievances because we both have many grievances and perhaps we could SOLVE each other’s grievances, and wouldn’t that be nice? Sure it would!)

ANYWAY, today was totally a triumph for the idea of living in Jetsons-times, and I approve. Also, let Andreas tell you what he will, but he is TOTALLY fancy. He’s both very calming and very challenging. Does that make sense? I don’t even care, that’s what he is. (Good challenging, not like when someone’s being an asshole and you’re all trying not to hit them with a mallet and you say, “YOU’RE certainly being challenging today, aren’t you?” No. Like the kind of challenging where the person makes you think about things you never knew before, that kind of challenging.) He’s the person I want in my corner forever and ever. I couldn’t be more excited about a week from Saturday if you told me there would be penguins. And who’s to say, really, that there won’t be penguins? Who, really?

There might be penguins. You never know when you might encounter penguins, seriously.

There might be penguins. You never know when you might encounter penguins, seriously.

OK, I said I had two things to tell you and I DO, but this is getting mega-long. I told you I’d go off on tangents. When do I not go off on tangents?

When I saw C. and C. this weekend, C. (FEMALE C., I know that gets confusing) told me a VERY EXCITING THING. Well, also distressing, but EXCITING. Because I am WEIRD.


OK, so the serial killer was like fifteen years ago, but still! MURDER HOUSE! And I’m going to see C. and C. in about a month, and they said (and, surprisingly, were not even fazed by my request, because they know me very well) WE CAN DRIVE BY THE MURDER HOUSE!

So the killer’s name was Kendall Francois (ooh la la!) and he was a murderer of ladies of the evening. That means prostitutes, you guys.

He kind of looks like just some guy. I like when serial killers have crazy eyes. It makes 'em easier to avoid.

He kind of looks like just some guy. I like when serial killers have crazy eyes. It makes ’em easier to avoid.

If you go to this Wikipedia page, the best part of it is that under his name, it says “also known as” and it says “The Poughkeepsie Killer” and then it also says “Stinky.” STINKY! I don’t know that I could take a serial killer seriously if he was all, “I’m going to stab you to death right now, in the meantime, call me Stinky, everyone does.”

Also, his job was that he was a hall monitor at a middle school. I feel like someone named Stinky would not be an appropriate hall monitor. Also, well, serial killer.

Stinky the Serial Killer killed at least 8 women over a two-year period. He only was discovered because one of the ladies of the evening escaped and went to the local convenience store and was all, “yo, this dude tried to kill me” and then the cops moved in and found ALL THE DEAD BODIES IN HIS YARD. In the MURDER HOUSE. In the area where my FRIENDS CURRENTLY LIVE.

You guys MURDER HOUSE!!!

You guys MURDER HOUSE!!!

Things I asked C. and C. about this story:

  • “There was a SERIAL KILLER in your TOWN? I mean. Um. I know that’s totally distressing. YET I CAN’T EVEN PRETEND I’M NOT EXCITED; YOU PEOPLE KNOW I LOVE SERIAL KILLERS!”
  • “We can drive past the MURDER HOUSE? Do people live in the murder house? Murder house is a lot more fun to say if you roll the first r. Murrrrrrder house.”
  • “There are hookers in Poughkeepsie? You don’t even seem surprised about this, you guys, you’re all blasé about the hookers. I find that equal parts charming and worrisome, to be honest.”
  • “Wait, there’s a MOVIE about the serial killer? Called The Poughkeepsie Tapes? WHY HAVE I NOT SEEN THIS YET? OMG, C., remember in college we watched that movie about Binghamton and it was terrible and I kept wanting to turn it off and you were SO SADFACE and you said ‘But it’s about BINGHAMTON!’ until we totally got the giggles?”
  • “Murrrrrder house, murrrrrder house, WE ARE GOING TO DRIVE PAST A MURRRRRRDER HOUSE!!!”
  • “What do you MEAN the 7-11 we went to that time was the convenience store the hooker ran to? OMG. This is VERY EXCITING. We should make our OWN movie called My Friends Live in the Same Neighborhood as a Murder House and Here Are Some Places That Play a Large Part in the Story of Murderous Murder. That’d do well in theaters, right?”

As you can see, I’m really a barrel of fun to bring to the Dinosaur BBQ. I’m really the most inquisitive and joyous.

Also, C. and C., I found this book when I was researching this and I think we should start our own book club and all read it.

You know it’s good because it’s by the author of Lobster Boy.

So next month, first there’s Andreas, then there’s MURDER HOUSE. I mean, could March get any better? The answer is, NO IT COULD NOT!

Happy Tuesday, people of the internets! Watch out for people named Stinky! I mean, I don’t feel as if I should have to warn you about that, but now we have a NEW reason to find them suspect!

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

26 responses to “Never trust a man named Stinky. I feel this is a common-sense thing.

  • Words for Worms

    I love this post. I would totally want to see the murrrrrrrrrrder house. Also, I sincerely hope you and Andreas run into some NYC penguins.


  • sj

    BODY DUMP! ZOMG, that is the best name evar.


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    It was really cool talking on Skype with you yesterday! And once we got it working it worked quite well. Not perfectly, but well enough. And it was really easy talking to you; no awkwardness at all.

    Baby boy really liked you – he smiled and laughed and smiled again. Too bad Little girl was asleep.

    I will categorically deny that I’m the slightest bit fancy. Patient – perhaps, challenging – could be, I guess. Fancy – no. Nope. Niet.


    • lucysfootball

      I know, it WAS the least awkward! You won’t even believe me, but that never happens. You’re like magic, Andreas, seriously.

      Aw, he did seem to like me! He was all smiley! I told my mom and she said it was because I was not afraid to go the extra mile to make babies smile. She’s right. I would pretty much make any face in the world to make a baby smile. Baby smiles fix anything that’s wrong, and baby laughs are baby smiles times FIFTY.

      You are totally fancy. You can keep denying it, but you are. You’re all proper and you dress well and you have the nicest accent and you seem like you should be working in a library. I just decided that now. Ooh, you know what? I think you remind me of Giles from Buffy, only of course younger. But not when HE was younger, because then he was Ripper. I think you are as fancy and calm and patient but also kick-assy as Giles. You should totally be a Watcher.


  • handflapper

    Younger Son hit Older Son in the head with a mallet once. Yes, Older Son was being particularly challenging, in that he was attempting to choke Younger Son. Now Older Son has a white scar under his hair. There was a lot of blood, but not as much as you’d think.

    How have I never heard of the Poughkeepsie Killer? I ADORE serial killers. I would totally live in a murder house–I’ve heard you can get those places CHEAP–except all the lookie-loos like you and me would get annoying after a while. I don’t like people, as a general rule. Not people around my house, anyway.


    • lucysfootball

      I just talked to C. more about the killer. She said there was ANOTHER killer in Poughkeepsie who was also a CANNIBAL. We agreed that when she decided to move there with her boyfriend, she didn’t ask the right questions, the most important of which was, “What’s the killer-to-normal-person ratio?”

      I am totally going to take photos of the murder house for you. And I agree – I’d hate people around my house all the time. Also, I don’t think you’d want to live in Stinky’s house. Further investigation proves that he didn’t bury the bodies in the backyard, he let ’em decay in the attic, so when the cops came in, the place smelled like death. I don’t think there’s enough Febreeze in the world to get that smell out.


      • handflapper

        OHHHHHH. So THAT was why he was called Stinky! And don’t be so sure about the Febreeze. That stuff is Uh-MAZE-ing.


        • lucysfootball

          I don’t know, my old cat had a peeing issue on just one part of the rug? And all the Febreeze in the land can’t make that go away. And it’s in a weird place so I can’t even steam clean it. Oh, cat, thank you so much for your parting gift.

          Yeah, until I read the article tonight I had no idea why they were calling him Stinky. He totally deserved it.


  • Charleen

    I think I would be worried if I talked to someone and it wasn’t awkward. Because I’m awkward even with people I know. The phone is the worst. I’ve never Skyped but that probably wouldn’t be much better. In person I’m still pretty awkward. Even when I’m among my best friends, there are moments of awkwardness. I mean, not that the situation is actually awkward, because they just know that’s how I am and they probably don’t even notice it anymore, but it still feels awkward to me. (How many more times can I say awkward?)

    So, I guess what I’m saying is that if I Skyped with someone, even if it was an internet person I’d known for a while, and it wasn’t awkward at all… I’d think something was up. Like in all those teen movies where the cool guy/girl is only pretending to like the dorky girl/guy. Or maybe (time to bring this comment full circle) I was about to end up in a murder house myself.

    I’m sure that won’t happen with Andreas though. From his comments here, he seems very un-murdery.


    • lucysfootball

      Andreas isn’t a killer! He is VERY unmurdery! I think an additional possibility is that we’re both kind of nervous, so together we un-nervous each other. This is going to be the most awesome!

      I am FILLED with awkwardness. I fall and I spill things and I stammer over my words. It’s really the worst. (Well, I don’t know if it’s REALLY the worst, or I just make it out in my head to be the worst. I am very hard on myself.)


  • Aleksandra (@yeksovic)

    I learned today that in the building where I work they once found a murdered woman in the cellar. And that cellar is supercreepy and I know it because I had to go there on various occasions to look for old contracts and things and I always thought “This looks like a place where people get murdered” and turns out it is a place where people get murdered! And I’m really glad I don’t have to go there anymore because we now have an assistant who has to do that. But we should probably furnish her with a gun or some other self-defense weapon.

    Although now I think about it, my colleague maybe said that they found a dead woman in the cellar and not a murdered one. Maybe she died of a heart attack. That would be better but still creepy. I’m sure her ghost still haunts that cellar because she’s pissed off that she had to die in this dismal place.


    • lucysfootball

      Ooh, this is an interesting story. You should probably research it and also do some ghost-hunting like all those ghost-hunting shows. You could get your own series! This could be huge!

      Wouldn’t it be the worst to die at work? I can’t even imagine. Ugh.


      • Aleksandra (@yeksovic)

        I’ve just researched it and she was really murdered! She was the cleaning lady and her murderer was the janitor. And he stabbed her with a screwdriver in order to shut her up because before murdering her he had raped her. But then he went to the police and turned himself in. So he could as well not have murdered her if the only reason for that was to stop her from going to the police. Somehow I find the rape element of the story worse than the murder part. Worse and creepier.

        And this cellar definitely needs some ghost-purging, it’s full of bad vibes. My show would be in the style of Ghostbusters, so there would be a fun element to it, with 80s music coming from a ghetto blaster in my backpack that also contains anti-ghost-gel. This could really be huge.

        To die at work would be the worst. The best place to die is probably your own bed. Or the beach. In your sleep. After a long and happy life. But dying at work is just a waste.


        • lucysfootball

          I’m very excited about your show. I would totally watch that. And I feel terrible for this cleaning lady. What a horrible way to meet your end! Why would you kill someone to prevent them from telling on you then just tell on yourself? YIKES!

          I want to die either in my sleep, or in a fiery one-person car crash where it is very quick. Anything quick, actually, is just fine with me. I just don’t want to suffer, bring anyone with me, or linger on a long time causing people to have to take care of me. Those are all nightmare scenarios for me.


  • jbrown3079

    I think the hallway is an entirely appropriate place for a guy named Stinky.


  • RockyCat

    I work in Binghamton. I am in Binghamton right now. WHAT WAS THE MOVIE ABOUT BINGHAMTON?! Was it about Arthur Shawcross? The Civic Association murders? I’m dying, here. (Okay, not really. Not really dying. Just insanely curious.)


    • lucysfootball

      It was called Liebestraum and in looking into it, it wasn’t ABOUT Binghamton, just FILMED there. Sorry. It was about 20 years ago and odds are good that, at the time, I was either drunk or hung over. It was college, after all.

      You work in Binghamton? I love that! I had some wonderful times there. And really loved it there, too, even though the winters were SO SO LONG!


  • Kris

    Hmm, “Lobster Boy” – I may just have to put that on my GoodReads “to-read” list! Sounds like a classic! ;-)


  • Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd

    He may not have crazy eyes but his bottom part of his face is disproportional to the top part. You look at him and if you start at the top you’re like “what a normal face” but then you have too keep looking and it’s like, “when will the bottom of his face stop!”


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