It is national Amy’s BFF day. To celebrate, I wrote this letter.

Dear BFF:

Today is your birthday. I sent you a card but, in typical Amy fashion, it was not timely. Remember when I used to be weeks early with things like cards, and I was able to send gifts out and they were awesome? Heh. Those were the days. ANYWAY, a card is coming. Thank you for responding in a timely fashion to my “OMG I DON’T HAVE YOUR ADDRESS AND I’M AT WORK PLEASE SEND IT NOW FOR…A THING…THAT I NEED IT FOR!” email the other day. I love you.

Since it is your birthday, let’s talk about reasons why I love you more than pudding, even tapioca or that canned chocolate pudding you can’t find anymore that was the best stuff ever and was so thick it would gag you but it was SO SO GOOD.

Best pudding ever. When I lived elsewhere, my mom shipped this stuff to me. That’s love, people. Now I can’t find it ANYWHERE. *sob*

1. You totally talk me off ledges. (Metaphor-ledges, let’s be clear about this.)
2. You make me laugh and laugh by sending me photos of things with funny captions and there’s no way you could know that I’m having a terrible day, considering we’re a billion miles apart (FINE, we’re only across the country, it feels like a billion miles) but they always seem to come when I need them the most.
3. If someone does me wrong, you immediately hate them. Without even a question. That’s loyalty right there, babe.
4. When you came to stay with me right before I moved out of your state, Dumbcat, who was new to me and was scared of all the humans except me, finally, by the last day, snuck out from under the chair and sat on your lap and let you pet him and you had a look on your face like you’d charmed a unicorn and I loved you for that, and also Dumbcat knows good people, yo. He’s tasteful.
5. When we met up again years and years later to take New York City by storm, I was kind of nervous because I hadn’t seen you in five years, but it was like I had just seen you yesterday, and we were the same with each other as ever, and still did goofy wonderful things and made each other laugh to tears and there’s really no other definition for a true friendship than you can go five years without seeing someone and it’s like you spent no time apart at all, now is there?
6. Every time I email you and am the least bit excited about anything (a guy, a job, a new prospect, anything) you are the most supportive human being alive and tell me how I’m going to be the best at that. You don’t even hesitate.
7. If I’m being a dumbass, you tell me and I don’t even ever get the slightest bit mad. You’ve earned that right. Being my friend for 16 years has earned that for you. (And let’s be honest, you’re usually totally right about my dumbassery. You’re very wise, BFF.)
8. You read every single post I write and tell me it’s like having me there in the room with you as you drink your coffee. Could there be a better compliment? I think not.
9. You send the best presents, like Flake bars and penguin pillows and bacon lipgloss.
10. I am the best Amy there is when I am with you, either virtually or in person. You bring out the best Amy. There’s no higher compliment than that.

BFF, although (yet again, due to the billion miles thing) I cannot be there with you for your birthday, please know that I love you the most, and wish you the best day ever. Knowing you makes every day of my life better. I am pleased this is your birthday, because that means you were born today. And if you were NOT born, well, what would I do? No one would send me photos like this and ask me if I wanted it for my Christmas present.

WHAT IS THIS CHILLING THING I CAN’T EVEN. That child looks either petrified with fear or already dead. I opened my email and shrieked a little, then laughed and laughed.

I love you, BFF. Someday I will come to your city and we will conquer it with many antics and much tomfoolery. But I’m not coming in the summer this time. Remember when I came to visit you one August and made you play minigolf even though you were all, “Amy, no one goes outside of airconditioning in the summer here, it’s like 110 degrees” and I said, “IT WILL BE FINE” and then we almost died? Thank you for not being mad I almost killed you with heatstroke in my quest to play minigolf because I love it so much, BFF, you’re really the best.

SO SO HOT. ALMOST DIED.

Happiest of happy birthdays. When I am grand high ruler of the world, today will be a national holiday. It will be AMY’S BFF DAY and everyone will get the day off and there will be FREE CAKE FOR ALL. And also bacon. ALL the bacon.

Because this is the Valentine’s Day card my BFF sent me this week, you guys. He really rocks.

I love you more than pudding. MORE THAN CANNED PUDDING.

Here is a photo of Amy and BFF taken not long after we met. Look at these two youngsters, all filled with love and promise. This hangs over my bed, by the way, so I can see it every day. It’s to remind me of how much love I have in my life. It totally works, too.

Love (and love and love and then more love, all crammed in there with the love), Amy.