Take my picture by the pool, ’cause I’m the next big thing

I have totally made the big time you guys, no joke. I got an email today – well, here, I’ll show you, I can’t even describe it as well as this can show you. Show, don’t tell, don’t they teach you that in writing class or something? I don’t know, I was too busy daydreaming and staring out the window at the squirrels.

Here is your personal signup link for the Millionaire Society. Were very excited to welcome you into our exclusive club! 

ZOMG YOU GUYS! I am going to be in the MILLIONAIRE SOCIETY!

I’m a little sad about the past-tense in the second sentence. I feel like I took too long to get back to them. Oh, wait, I think they’re missing an apostrophe in there and that’s supposed to be “we’re.” You’d think millionaires could afford ALL the apostrophes, right? Well, I should cut them some slack. I’m sure the millionaires didn’t write their own email inviting me into their very exclusive club. I’m sure they have someone do those things FOR them. Like, maybe a butler, or a valet, or a Designated Correspondence Lackey. Who is not very good at contractions.

True story: do a Google Image Search for "butler" and it thinks you mean Gerard Butler. Even if you don't. Worrisome!

True story: do a Google Image Search for “butler” and it thinks you mean Gerard Butler. Even if you don’t. Worrisome!

I don’t know why this email ended up in my spam folder. I mean, I am being INVITED into a very exclusive CLUB. Where I will be amongst my PEOPLE. The MILLIONAIRES.

Oh, wait, I just Googled this and it says it is NOT a super-fancy club of millionaires, but a money-making plan where I do online marketing from home. Well, now, this is not at all what I was picturing in my head. I thought it would be a wood-paneled room where men in tuxedos would be smoking expensive cee-gars and talking about polo, not some sort of pyramid scheme. MY HOPES ARE DASHED, DASHED I TELL YOU. Also, one of the sites I checked said it costs me $97 a month to be in the Millionaire Society. I don’t know that I want to be part of a society where I have to pay the equivalent of my cell phone bill every month to continue membership in order to bother people online. THIS IS VERY DISAPPOINTING INTERNETS. I am not at all pleased with the way this day is shaping up. I STARTED the day by thinking I was part of a society of rich people and now I find out that I’m just a schlub you’re tricking into joining some sort of sad-sack society. SIGH SIGH I AM VERY PUT-OUT.

Also, when exactly do they think I’m going to have time to do marketing from home? I don’t even have time to SLEEP or EAT or BLOG from home, I certainly don’t have time to MARKET from home. (Although there is now a Shoprite here, and you can LITERALLY market from home. THEY WILL BRING MY GROCERIES TO ME. I don’t even have to SHOP for them. I’m so looking into this. Although friend A. did it yesterday and they were an hour and a half late delivering them which meant friend K. didn’t get to come to the theater last night and I didn’t get to hug her, and I wanted to, so boo for making it so I couldn’t hug friend K. last night, Shoprite.)

SIDE NOTE. I just looked into Shoprite bringing me my groceries and it is VERY CONFUSING. I don’t understand the delivery schedule. So I don’t think I can use that. I think that only works if you are home 24 hours a day, and if I was home 24 hours a day, wouldn’t I use some of that time to, oh, I don’t know, go get my groceries? Hmm. Confusing confusing.

I am totally listening to my fancy American Idiot soundtrack right now. It took me like an hour to figure out how to turn off my shuffle. I usually love my shuffle because I don’t want to listen to my songs in alphabetical order, but when you want to listen to a cast recording, of course you want to listen to it in order. But it just KEPT SHUFFLING. You know who fixed it? Yahoo Answers. I know. That’s kind of embarrassing. But it totally did. Thanks, Yahoo Answers! Pretty much all I’m doing is repeating “Last Night on Earth” over and over because I am obsessive once I find something I like. Last night I just kept making YouTube play the video for me over and over while I did other things. And then this morning I kept singing it to the cat. He didn’t know what to make of that, mostly because I can’t sing. He made a very confused face and at one point went “mieuwwww?” which I think is polite cat-ese for “what, pray-tell, mumsy, is this noise you are making? Are you under the impression it is this thing you humans insist on calling ‘singing’? Because it is neither melodic nor pleasing to mine ears. Please stop, or I will shred you with my claws. Thanks ever so.”

STOP THE SINGING STOP IT STOP IT

STOP THE SINGING STOP IT STOP IT

LISTEN LISTEN. Today I found out that friends A. and R. might come to visit in two weeks. I can only assume that means Baby Ceevee will be with them, because what would they do, leave her in the car or something? That’d be pretty irresponsible, and totally unlike them. First, I might get to see friends A. and R., who I haven’t seen in…oh, my, well, it has to be three or four years now, I’m thinking? AND, you GUYS, I could totally see Baby Ceevee for the first time! And if I’m super-careful and wash my hands and put on my best non-crazy eyes and brush my hair, maybe they would let me HOLD her! She is the most beautiful baby. And the SMILIEST baby. You should SEE the smiles, you guys. She lights up a whole ROOM with the smiles. I am very bouncy with the prospect of this potential visitation!

ALSO, one of my internet people whose name I will not say because I don’t know that it’s general knowledge is HERE IN ALBANY and I MIGHT GET TO MEET HER IN REALLY REAL LIFE SOON which is totally exciting, yo. These next two months are just going to be the most exciting, aren’t they? Once I get some sleep? The answer to that question is YES.

This post is totally the most random but it’s the best I have in me because I have to leave for work now and also SNOWPOCALYPSE is coming RIGHT NOW so here I go. Wish me luck and/or fortitude. Happy weekend, all!

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

15 responses to “Take my picture by the pool, ’cause I’m the next big thing

  • Charleen

    My email has been sending correspondence from Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie to my spam folder! It’s very upsetting. I am very popular with all of Brad Pitt’s current and former significant others, and I don’t know why my email doesn’t want us to be friends.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Hmm. I wonder if you’ll start getting email from Brad Pitt, then it’ll be like a little threesome in your spam folder!

      I also get terrifying blog spam. Lots of sex tape stuff lately. I’m befuddled.

      Like

  • Samantha

    Get some sleep NAOW :P

    In other news, that is exciting about all the friend-seeing. I like friend-seeing. :D

    Have a great weekend, Amy :)

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      In a few hours, I will be all curled up in my bed in my comfy PJs. I’m so excited about this, I can’t even tell you.

      The friend-seeing IS exciting! I can’t wait!

      Thank you! Hope you have a great weekend, too!

      Like

    • lucysfootball

      Will do both, at least until tomorrow when I have to drive through a foot of snow to get to work. The show was cancelled tonight due to the storm, so Dumbcat and I are hunkering down on the couch for some epic tv watching and early bedtiming. It’s going to be AMAZING.

      Like

  • Kris

    Luck and/or fortitude!

    (Oh, and wishing you some sleep, too! ;-)

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    That Millionaire Club situation is indeed vexing. I’m most seriously displeased.

    Although it does verify a theory that claims that most Americans world rather be famous than rich. If one is prepared to pay for the privilege of calling oneself a member of the Millionaire Club, one is obviously more interested in one’s reputation than one’s bank account.

    Which seems silly somehow, because with enough money one could buy all the fame one likes.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I don’t want to be in a club. I don’t like social gatherings. I just want the money. Then I can buy things like big houses where I can have a billion animals. And an octopus tank for your octopus. (Not a euphemism.) Ooh, and I could totally fly to Finland, like, whenever I felt like it. “Today I will go to Finland! Boop! I AM THERE ON MY PRIVATE JET!”

      Like

  • sj

    I am sad you’re not going to be a millionaire. :(

    Like

  • elaine4queen

    I, too, am disappointed. I have always got a lot out of glamour-by-association, and I was hoping you would be in the millionaires’ club so that I could slip it into conversation.

    Luckily you are internet famous and a published poet, or I’d be totally BEREFT.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      You could tell people I’ve been INVITED to the Millionaire’s Club. You just don’t have to tell them what happened. Let them think I’m just TOO RICH TO DEIGN TO JOIN.

      It is lucky I’m internet famous and a writer AND write for the PAPER because I would be so sad to lose you!

      Like

      • elaine4queen

        Actually, that’s a good one. I have been telling everyone that I was INVITED to apply for the PhD – it sounds so much better, and technically I WAS invited. Even if it was a general shout out on twitter with subsequent personal mailings.

        Like

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