I have a very brief period of time to write this. FIRST I have a STORY and then I have a thing I stole from someone else’s blog because I’m like a pirate, yo. Arrr.
Here is a story called AMY’S INTERACTION WITH THE GLORY OF WILDLIFE.
This weekend, I went to the library. On the way home, I wanted to stop at a place to pick up some lunch, and I thought, hey, I know a back way to get there. So I turned down the back way all pioneer-like.
Well, like the pioneers that ended up in Utah or some such shit instead of California, I realized I had made a terrible mistake when the road, which the last time I went down it led me all twisty-turny to the road with all the restaurants on it, it just…dead-ended. I knew they’d done some construction, but a little sign saying “this is a dead end now” might have been helpful. To add insult to injury, the reason it was now a dead-end was because they’d put a little hill across the street. You could SEE the street right on the other side of the hill where I needed to be. I mean, there was no way to get OVER the hill, but you could SEE over the hill, and the street was TAUNTING me. Dammit.
So grumblingly, I turned around and went back up the same street I’d just gone down. Well, at least I now know you can’t go down that street to get anywhere. So I won’t do that again, I suppose. So, la la la, here I was, driving back the way I came.
When all of a SUDDEN, what was THIS?, something was in the road! Something somewhat large and…brown…and…
IT WAS A TURKEY A REAL LIVE WILD TURKEY (no, not the liquor) in the ROAD!
So I laughed and laughed! I’ve seen turkeys in the distance, like at the side of the road, but never up close! (I mean, I’ve also seen them dead and waiting to be roasted. And also I’ve eaten them. Because, delicious, you know?)
I turned down the radio and slowed WAYYYYYY down (and peeked in my rearview and there was a truck behind me and I was all “sorry dude, but TURKEY!” but of course it’s not like he heard me) and the turkey STOOD IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD! He did not move! That was one cheeky turkey! He made turkey noises (which I GUESS are like “gobble gobble” but are more like a weird underwatery blurbling noise, honestly) and just watched my car coming up and didn’t even move!
Well, I liked that turkey. That turkey had CHUTZPAH. So I watched him for a couple more moments and then felt bad for the truck in back of me so I really slowly went around the turkey and he went “blurble blurble!” and then I drove away. And the truck in back of me totally went around the turkey, too, so I decided he was a nice man who went out of his way for turkeys.
Wild turkeys (NOT THE LIQUOR!) are very funny and very prettily-feathered and this one totally had a wattle. And wise eyes. I liked this turkey very much. But not enough that I’m going to stop EATING turkey. I do very much like poultry. Both when it comes up all unexpected-like in the street, and also with some gravy and stuffing.
I told Dad this story and first he was all, “Maybe that turkey was rabid” which made me laugh, and then he said “Make that turkey noise again. Make it again.” Then he laughed and laughed because apparently I made a very funny turkey noise. Then he said, “Maybe that was a turkey vulture. Do you think it was a turkey vulture?” and I said, “No, Dad, I saw a turkey vulture once. We had one when I worked at the animal shelter. We had to keep it overnight for Fish and Game to come and pick it up and we fed it hamburger and it looked like a dinosaur and it was totally frightening but also fascinating? I kept looking at it in awe.” Dad said, “You are a wonder, daughter of mine. You are a wonder. You love all the animals, don’t you?” and I said, “Yes. But not monkeys or apes, though.” Dad understood because we went to the zoo together that time. He knows I don’t like the monkeys because I hid behind him at the monkey cage most of the time. I don’t trust those wily poo-flinging bastards.

This doesn’t even LOOK like a turkey. It looks like a VULTURE. Also like an evil mastermind, a little, right?
Here is part two. I am multitasking this post, yo.
So on Emma Wolf’s blog today (which is like your…um…two days ago or something), she did the Daily Prompt, which was to assume you had time to save five things from your home if it was on fire, assuming all animals and people were safe. What would you save?
Things like this make me think and think. (I don’t know that I’ve ever clicked on that Daily Prompt site. Is that something bloggers are supposed to do? Probably. I never follow the rules, do I? Dammit.)
When my apartment WAS actually on fire, I saved the cats and my purse, which had my phone (back before I had a real phone, it was just a crappy non-smart Tracfone, but at least it was a way to call out) and of course my wallet and things in it. It took a long time to round up the cats. They were all I cared about, to tell the truth. The purse could have stayed. But this is assuming Dumbcat is safe, so he’s out of the picture. Well, that sounded terrible. He’s SAFELY out of THIS picture. Let’s pretend my happy little place is on fire and Dumbcat is safely elsewhere. Where is he? Hell, I don’t know, probably in the car in his carrier or something, let’s not think too deeply about this.
OK, five things, quick like a bunny, I have to call Dad and explain Justified to him for the week.
- My purse. It has a lot of things in, my wallet, my cell would be in there, keys, etc. My purse is important. Having to replace all of those cards and such would be a colossal pain in the butt, yo.
- My laptop. It has a lot of writing on it. I’d hate to lose that. Yes, yes. I know. I should probably back that shit up on a thumb drive or whatever the kids have today, but I also love to TYPE on my laptop. The laptop has to come with.
- Photos. I’m not a huge decorator, but the main thing I have hanging on the walls here are a ton of photos. Most of them are irreplacable. Some of the people in them are long gone; some were gone before wee Amy made the scene. I’m going to assume I have a little bit of time to grab some photos off my wall. It’s my fire; I get to imagine it as I please.
- Clothes/shoes/outerwear/etc. I know I won’t have a billion years to be grabbing things, but at least a couple basic outfits. Once, a long time ago, I had to quickly leave my place of residence. I did not have time to grab clothing. Living in the same clothes for days while you try to get the money/time to get some more clothes is not really what you need to be worrying about when you’re dealing with a huge life issue, you know?
- My teddy bear. Shh, my house just burned down, I’m going to need my comfort object. Yes, I’m a grown-ass woman. You’re not even allowed to judge. I WAS JUST IN A CATASTROPHIC FIRE.

Yikes, don’t do a search for “apartment fire” and expect to get any sleep for the night. Good grief.
I find this curious, because as I was doing this, I didn’t have many things I COULDN’T live without. Honestly, if I had to do without all of these things, I could. As long as Dumbcat is safe, I’m ok. There are a lot of things I need in life, but most of them are replacable. The two things I can’t replace are Dumbcat (I mean, he’s not going to live forever, I’m not insane, I know that, but as long as it’s within my power to do so, I’m going to keep him around) and my loved ones. Doing without the people I love…well, things are just things. You can replace things. Or if you can’t replace them, you can learn to live without them. But my people? Well, living without them is not something I want to contemplate. I’ve had to say goodbye to too many people in my life, and when you lose someone you love, that you truly love, the hole that’s left…well, some of you know what that’s like, and some of you, thankfully, don’t, but everyone eventually does, and will. That kind of loss, I don’t know if that ever leaves you. So, yes, fire, consume all my consumables, if you must. My cat and my people are safe? I’m good. I’m fine. They’re all I need.
For a short post, this is very long. Goodnight, internet. Wait, you’re reading this like at noon or something. Happy…um…lunch break, internet. I’m going to see Company of Thieves with one of my best friends tonight! Hooray!
February 1st, 2013 at 12:24 pm
Okay, I’ll probably come back and be more verbose, but do you know about this site? theburninghouse.com It is really interesting. Photographs of what people would take in a fire.
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February 1st, 2013 at 4:25 pm
I should take a picture of my vibrator and post it to the site because being in a similar situation taught me my priorities.
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February 1st, 2013 at 6:13 pm
That would be hysterical.
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February 1st, 2013 at 10:20 pm
Hee! Total priority. I get it.
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February 1st, 2013 at 10:27 pm
Ooh, must check it out once I’m home! Thank you!
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February 1st, 2013 at 1:04 pm
Turkey! I honestly don’t think I’d ever seen a real life turkey until we moved here, but there’s a bunch that live in the trees behind our apartment building, and they’ll come walking by the windows occasionally.
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February 1st, 2013 at 10:27 pm
They’re so funny! I had no idea! :)
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February 1st, 2013 at 1:16 pm
Wiley poo flingers. Yes, that.
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February 1st, 2013 at 10:26 pm
Monkeys. *shudder*
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February 1st, 2013 at 2:16 pm
“Maybe the turkey was rabid.” Hahahaha! I love that!
BTW I also like that truck driver. He not only realized you had a legitimate reason to stop in the middle but he also avoided hitting the turkey. Of course, if one of you hit the turkey then you couldn’t technically eat it for dinner. Roadkill turkey probably is not delicious.
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February 1st, 2013 at 10:26 pm
I’d feel too guilty to eat a roadkill turkey. I’d cry and cry. People, meh, animals, all the waterworks. That’s an exaggeration, but not much of one.
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February 2nd, 2013 at 9:05 am
I think anything with the word roadkill in it should not be eaten if you have enough money not to scrounge for roadkill.
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February 2nd, 2013 at 4:30 pm
Agreed. Yuck.
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February 1st, 2013 at 2:32 pm
We have flocks of wild turkeys where we live (we’re in the boonies). They are the funniest! Last winter, the county had plowed the road so there were big berms of snow on either side. I was driving to work in the morning, and a huge flock of turkeys was in the middle of the road. They saw my car, and started running back and forth, from berm to berm, but the berms were too high. So they started running down the road in front of the car, all higgledy-piggledy and frantic. Finally, one of them remembered that he could FLY and flew over the berm on the side of the road. This made all the other turkeys remember that Yes! They could FLY! So they all flew safely away. I laughed all the way to work! ;-)
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February 1st, 2013 at 2:47 pm
I have seen wild turkeys (not the liquor!) many times because I am a birder and therefore I am tromping around places where wild turkeys (not the liquor!) hang out. And also turkey vultures because they are incredibly plentiful on the eastern shore of Maryland. (I have pictures.) I love them all. :)
A suggestion? (And one I have yet to do.) Scan those suckers. Scan in the pictures that matter. So they are another place.
I really want to do theburninghouse.com now. But I will wait. But I will eventually do it. I’ve never been to The Daily Prompt either. Huh.
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February 1st, 2013 at 10:24 pm
Yep. I need a scanner. Someday.
I don’t often see cool birds. Hawks, sometimes. They’re my favorites.
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February 1st, 2013 at 10:24 pm
Hee! :)
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February 1st, 2013 at 3:10 pm
One of my greatest joys that restores my faith in humanity is the moments when there’s an animal on the road and everyone stops and slows for it. Once a deer was freaking out in the road and me and the car going the other way just sat there until the deer finally figured out where she wanted to go and we exchange glances like, “yeah! doin’ good!” It’s the little things…
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February 1st, 2013 at 10:23 pm
Agreed. Completely. Plus, I’m the goofball that slows down for mice. I hate killing things on their own turf.
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February 1st, 2013 at 4:27 pm
“and it looked like a dinosaur and it was totally frightening but also fascinating”
I love that it looked like a dinosaur. My kid’s into dinosaurs now, and we’re trying to teach him that they are similar to birds and he’s not going for it.
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February 1st, 2013 at 10:20 pm
Ooh, Andreas can teach you about that, he was just telling me that the other day! Vultures are very dinosaury. It’s their heads, I think.
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February 2nd, 2013 at 2:15 am
I could, but don’t worry, I already feel plenty smug and superior and don’t have to increase the amount, so I won’t. (Also, I’m on my phone and typing is a real pain (even with Swype).)
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February 2nd, 2013 at 4:31 pm
I hate commenting on my phone. I try to do it on my laptop as much as possible. I am not meant for teeny keyboards. I have grownup hands.
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February 1st, 2013 at 4:28 pm
Goddammit, I didn’t get an email about this post either! What is one to do in order to get this email alert working? Sell one’s soul? (I don’t have one, so that’s a no-go.)
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February 1st, 2013 at 10:16 pm
Ok, we’ll foil WordPress. From now on, I’ll email you whenever I post. No, seriously, I will. I’m more reliable than WordPress, obviously. And I WANT you to read my posts, dammit! *shakes fist at WordPress*
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February 2nd, 2013 at 1:58 am
Seriously? You’d do that?
But no, you’re not even at home most the times your posts go live, and you’d be busy with other things (like work). So I couldn’t ask you to do that. Even though you’re probably many times more reliable and trustworthy than WordPress.
I’ll just set up an RSS sniffer or something. That should work. Hopefully.
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February 2nd, 2013 at 4:33 pm
Nope, it’s already done. The minute I schedule a post, I’ll email you and tell you, “Andreas, a post is scheduled for 6:45 your time tomorrow.” We will beat WordPress at its own game. WE WILL.
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February 1st, 2013 at 10:18 pm
Also, you might have a soul, you don’t know. If you don’t have a soul, what do you keep in your soul-area? Cotton candy? Old takeout menus? Gum?
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February 2nd, 2013 at 2:02 am
I have a soul-area? For real? Where is that? And yes, could it be filled with sugar free gum please, so I’ve always got some at hands after having eaten lunch or dinner?
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February 2nd, 2013 at 4:32 pm
YES. I deem it so. Your soul-area is now your gum-caddy-area. All the sugar-free gum for you in it. (I have a ton of gum and I can’t use it. I’m so giving it to you when I see you next month. NEXT MONTH ANDREAS I SEE YOU IN A MONTH AND THREE DAYS!!!!)
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February 3rd, 2013 at 4:14 am
You can’t use gum? In what sense? You don’t know how to? You get a vicious allergic reaction to it? It’s against your beliefs? I’m all befuddled.
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February 3rd, 2013 at 8:49 am
I have TMJ, so chewing gum makes my jaw click and causes a lot of pain. But at one point in my life I used to be all into couponing? And there were ALWAYS gum coupons that made gum free. So I have a huge bag of gum but it’s not something I use. That story sounded a lot more interesting in my head.
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February 1st, 2013 at 4:37 pm
As I’m sure you’re all aware, the New World vultures are not actually related to the ‘real’ vultures found in the Old World. Instead they’re related to storks and herons (although some argue they belong to their own order Cathartiformes).
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February 1st, 2013 at 5:24 pm
You have REAL vultures? Do they look different than our vultures? I have to go out and bon vivant now, but when I get home I will research this.
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February 1st, 2013 at 8:34 pm
Indeed. Here’s an example of an Old World vulture (the African white-backed vulture): http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/38/Not_a_Common_Visitor_to_Somerset.jpg You can clearly see the close relationship to other birds of prey, like eagles.
By comparison, the New World vultures have an amazing sense of smell, something the Old World vultures lack (they rely only on sight, just like other birds of prey). Here’s a close-up of a turkey vulture (observe the nostrils): http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/f/f7/Cathartes_aura_-Florida_-USA_-upper_body-8.jpg/480px-Cathartes_aura_-Florida_-USA_-upper_body-8.jpg
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February 1st, 2013 at 10:34 pm
Ooh, will look when I get home! You’re the best!
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February 2nd, 2013 at 1:42 am
Oh hush! It’s just some old knowledge I had laying around since I was a kid.
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February 2nd, 2013 at 4:35 pm
You have ALL the knowledge. We could take all your knowledge and line it up end to end and circle the GLOBE.
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February 3rd, 2013 at 4:16 am
That, Milady, would depend on the font size.
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February 3rd, 2013 at 8:48 am
SMALL font size. You know all the things.
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February 1st, 2013 at 6:15 pm
My god. I love you.
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February 1st, 2013 at 8:34 pm
Aw, aren’t you sweet?
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February 1st, 2013 at 10:33 pm
Sometimes. If the person deserves it. Don’t spread that around, everyone will wonder why I’m not sweet to them.
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February 1st, 2013 at 11:33 pm
See, I thought you were calling ME sweet, because my phone didn’t tell me you were talking to Em. The sentiment still stands: I am sometimes sweet.
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February 2nd, 2013 at 1:39 am
But you are always sweet! Even if you think you’re not. And not all nauseatingly sugary sweet either; more like sweet and sour. Like good Chinese food.
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February 2nd, 2013 at 4:35 pm
Aw, Andreas. You’re the best. I AM sweet and sour. Also a little bitter. And maybe a little crunchy, like potato chips.
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February 1st, 2013 at 4:46 pm
I had firm plans on making sure to save our external harddisk containing all our photos if anything ever were to happen to our home.
And then, during the house fire, what I actually saved (apart from getting everyone out of the house) was.. erm.. nothing. Not a single thing. Not my wallet. Not my glasses, that I need in order to drive. Not a single pair of shoes, a coat or jacket or indeed anything to wear at all, except the underwear I slept in.
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February 1st, 2013 at 5:23 pm
I should probably get a scanner to preserve my photos – some are very old. Maybe someday. In all that copious free time I have. Ha.
I know. If there was a real fire, I’d be lucky to get Dumbcat out, let alone anything else. He’s all that matters to me, anyway. When we actually had a fire, I ran right back into it without thinking twice to get the cats out, so it’s obvious what’s important to me, apparently. Cats, then me second.
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February 1st, 2013 at 6:16 pm
I get this, actually.
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February 1st, 2013 at 8:41 pm
I’m considering signing up some kind of cloud service, where we would upload our photos to some online storage for off-site backup. After all, our photos are the only things that can’t be replaced.
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February 1st, 2013 at 10:32 pm
That’s a good idea. I don’t have any digital photos, sadly. Mine are all hard copies. Because I’m old, I guess.
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February 2nd, 2013 at 1:46 am
Me neither. I mean, all the new stuff, from 10-12 years back is all digital, but the old stuff is still on paper. We got a scanner for that particular reason, and I’ve scanned through some of the albums but it takes for-bloody-ever!
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February 2nd, 2013 at 4:34 pm
It does take forever. And I don’t have a scanner yet. Well, no, I do, but it’s on the broken printer. So the printer part doesn’t work, but the scanner part does. Which is why I haven’t thrown it out, because the scanner is ok. I break printers. A lot. And easily.
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February 1st, 2013 at 10:21 pm
Assuming the kids and Princess Purty Turtle are safe?
1. The external hard drive that has hundreds of photos (and music and books) on it.
2. The copy of The Ultimate Hitchhiker’s Guide that husband bought me to replace the one that was destroyed (the original was a gift from him our first Christmas together).
3. The clothes we brought our kids home from the hospital in.
4. The painting a friend of mine did of Baby Girl and the drawings she did of the other kids.
5. Lovies for each of the kids (Soft Monkey for 7y/o, Mamma Turtle for 6y/o, Soft Bankie and/or Stitch for 13y/o and Tiggy+banket [that’s how she says it] for Baby Girl).
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February 1st, 2013 at 10:30 pm
Ooh, I love this. Will click the link when I get home. Phone battery is…not doing well at the moment, sadly.
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February 1st, 2013 at 10:34 pm
That’s okay, it’s just a photo of the painting. With me in it for size comparison.
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February 1st, 2013 at 10:35 pm
I’m still excited!
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February 1st, 2013 at 10:37 pm
Awwww.
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February 2nd, 2013 at 1:48 am
Oh that’s an awesome painting! I understand why you would want to save that one!
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February 2nd, 2013 at 1:33 pm
It really is fantastic. My mailman was so confused. “You have this giant box from…Luxembourg? Is that a real place?”
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February 2nd, 2013 at 4:25 pm
I finally looked at the painting and I love it! Your friend sent it from LUXEMBOURG? Holy crap, that is awesome!
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February 2nd, 2013 at 11:13 am
We live in the ‘burbs, but there is quite a bit of wooded area around us. We get deer in our yard every night (and sometimes during the day)…and we get lots of TURKEYS. A few years ago, a WHOLE BUNCH of turkeys decided to hang out in our yard and eat the bird seed off the ground (we feed the birds here, and they are messy–just dropping food all over the place). ANYWAY, there must have been 20 or 25 (or 30?) turkeys in our yard, ALL AROUND THE HOUSE. It was a TURKEY INVASION. One of them even flew up onto our deck (which is really high off the ground). It was crazy! I’m pretty sure I posted an album of pictures on Facebook. Check them out when you get a minute.
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February 2nd, 2013 at 4:30 pm
Hee! That would kind of freak me out – turkeys are kind of big! And I would love to see deer all close up, that would be awesome!
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