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An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 19): Part Two of Two

Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:

Welcome back! We have a lot more to talk about today. Like, I could totally have split this into THREE posts, but I got confused enough how to split it into two evenly. And as you can see, I failed. So let’s get right to it, ok? Awesome.

Blah blah search terms blah blah people are weird blah blah I like to be helpful disclaimer disclaimer. Read yesterday’s post if you want the full monthly treatment. That last sentence is not a euphemism.

Category the Ninth: Hee!  

blossom
funny 
breed of chicken with hair on their legs
“work like we don’t need the money”
i found a unicorn his name is stabby picture
a nervous cartoon person who thinks she can’t dance
ron swanson wool underwear  
woman using a gopher as seen on tv
snort laugh
badger weird
from where i came from everyone’s a hero tshirt
thing that make you laugh so hard you cry
how to draw a chubby hamster
you can’t make me happy! i utterly refuse to be happy!
i’m a stupid cat sheet music
someone told me, “i don’t know your life”
dad said i am a gecko
a cat riding a unicorn eating a hotdog
sneaky fuckers can fuck them selves quotes
an awesome holiday speech using only 140 characters excluding punctuation marks
i don’t know how people sit in skinny jeans
nursery rhymes that can be used as frightening slogans for a serial killer?

I don’t know if Blossom was ever *funny*. I might have thought it was when I was a kid, but I thought a lot of things were, back then. I was easily amused. It might have been unintentionally funny. Like, the acting or the fashion or something.

Chickens don’t have hair on their legs. They have feathers. Birds don’t have hair because they are not mammals. That’s Bio 101, friends and neighbors. And those chickens are called “feather-legged” or “feather-footed” (creative, no?) and here’s one, called a Cochin. And it is FUNNY. It looks like it’s wearing feathery pantaloons.

“Work like we don’t need the money.” Well, if I didn’t need the money, I wouldn’t work. No, wait, that’s not true. I’d still do some things. I would still review plays, because that’s not work, to me. That’s fun. It’s the best thing. But otherwise, I’d stay home, I’d write, and I’d spend time with my loved ones, both with my face and virtually. So, your phrase is somewhat flawed, my friend. If we didn’t need the money, why would we work?

A unicorn named Stabby, hmm? Oh, wait, it’s a thing.

I’m a real-life nervous person who knows I can’t dance. That must be better than a nervous cartoon person, right?

Ron Swanson wool underwear. That would actually be the best marketing scheme ever. I think people would buy longjohns if they were Ron Swanson brand.

Hee, a Gopher as seen on TV, yeah? Ooh, wait, I can find that for you. I totally can.

Here you go. BTW, I have one of these. It doesn't work.

Here you go. BTW, I have one of these. It doesn’t work.

I totally snort-laugh. On the regular. It’s how you know I really enjoyed something, and also that I’m not classy. I also highly appreciate things that make me laugh so hard I cry. That doesn’t always happen – once a week? Sometimes every couple of weeks? But when it does, it is just the best. It’s one of those things in the world you need to appreciate when it happens, seriously, because it doesn’t happen enough.

Badgers aren’t weird. They are WONDERFUL. Look, look!

Aw! BEST!

Aw! BEST!

This “everyone’s a hero” thing is from a few years ago and apparently was for victims of the typhoon in the Phillipines. And again, confusing how it brought you here.

A chubby hamster! Aw, stop overfeeding your hamster. And I would think that in order to draw one, you would just draw a round hamster, right? But I’m not an artist, what do I know.

Aw, hee, “utterly refuse to be happy!” Well, far be it from me to force anyone to be happy. I don’t want to do that. I mean, if you want to be miserable, you do your thing, you little black raincloud.

Is “I’m a stupid cat” a thing? And there’s sheet music for it? Oh, Dumbcat has a THEME SONG! This is VERY exciting. He’s looking forward to hearing this. Someone find this and play this for him.

“I don’t know your life” is one of my my favorite things. Plus it always reminds me of Jim.

Your dad called you a gecko? I don’t know what to do about this. Is it a good thing? A bad thing? I don’t know that I’d mind being called a gecko, because I like geckos. But I don’t think my dad would call me a gecko. Sometimes he calls me an elephant because I never forget, though. Also because I’m very loud when I walk. He seems to think elephants are loud walkers, for some reason.

I’m pretty sure there is no photo of a cat riding a unicorn eating a hot dog, but I’ll search. For you. Because I love you.

Nope. But I found this:

This is a cat wearing a unicorn horn, and the look on this cat's face has made me laugh so hard. SO HARD. For like twenty minutes.

This is a cat wearing a unicorn horn, and the look on this cat’s face has made me laugh so hard. SO HARD. For like twenty minutes.

I don’t think you understand how sneaky fuckers work. They don’t fuck THEMSELVES. They fuck OTHERS. Sometimes your girl- or boyfriends. You’re welcome, happy to set you straight.

An “awesome” holiday speech. And you’re not fooling anyone; if you want it to fit in 140 characters you’re planning on tweeting it, weirdo. The holidays are past. You missed your window. And stop trying to be awesome. Awesome comes when you least expect it. Just relax, sunshine, all will be well.

I’m not sure how people sit in skinny jeans, either. Carefully, I’d imagine. Like when I was in high school, I used to have to lie down on the bed to zip myself into my super-tight 80s jeans? Then I’d walk around all stagger-legged until they loosened up for like an hour. And you went through your day worried the zipper would give out. I’d assume skinny jeans have the same issues, right?

OMG, nursery rhymes as frightening slogans for serial killers. I love this. “Bye baby bunting; Daddy’s gone a’hunting.” “They all ran after the farmer’s wife, who cut off their tails with a carving knife.” “And down will come baby, cradle and all.” Actually, any nursery rhyme, chanted in a creepy way, would totally work, here. Nice search. Good job.

Gorey got that fairy tales were creepy. And look, here I am falling down the stairs!

Gorey got that fairy tales were creepy. And look, here I am falling down the stairs! This has totally happened before to me.

Category the Tenth: Yes. I would imagine it did.

dunkin donuts smoked sausage made me sick

Yup. It looks disgusting. So I would imagine it would probably taste just as bad, and make you ill. So why’d you eat it, Weirdo McWeirderson? There are tastier things at Dunkin’ Donuts, yo. One of those things? Donuts. As mentioned in the name. Get those.

Category the Eleventh: No. No, they don’t. This is not a 1980s comedy.

girls like to sit at home nude

Do some men really think these things happen? That we like to hang around all naked and also probably that we have naked pillowfights and also say things like “let’s practice kissing on each other” and such? You are aware that these things don’t really happen, right? I’m not saying I’ve NEVER been naked in my house. Of course I have. I live alone, there’s no reason that I need to be ALWAYS fully clothed, like, if I forget something in the bathroom while I’m in the middle of getting dressed I can totally run in the bathroom and get it. Who’s going to see me, Dumbcat? He doesn’t care. He’s naked all the time. He’s like a little furry exhibitionist. But I don’t sit AROUND naked. It’s unsanitary and I’d get cat hair on my bits. And also I’d get cold. I like to be cool, but not cold. Today, for example, I am wearing a sweatshirt and jeans because, well, it’s cold. Sorry. No naked-time, pervy. You’ll have to get your jimjams out somewhere else.

Category the Twelfth: Me, too. ME TOO.

“i hate murder mystery” games             

I also hate murder mystery games. I’m not good at playacting. Which is ironic, because I’m an actress. I’ve never BEEN in one, though. Only had to watch them. So maybe being in one wouldn’t be so terrible, I don’t know. I don’t rule anything out in life. Because when you do that, that’s when that thing happens, and you feel like a fool. A FOOL, I tell you.

Category the Thirteenth: Things that make me so sad

little girl singing hallelujah
i would love if someone on facebook would talk to me on chat

lonely people looking for friends in facebook list
lonely people

sad clown smoking weed
i kill myself tomorrow    
I’m going to kill myself, you know   
some people are scared of love quotes
i miss you like funny
miss you humor
being called a fat bitch by your baby’s father
no blog followers
can u choke yourself to death with a belt

The “hallelujah” thing made me sad because I’ve been listening to a lot of covers of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” lately (which is, and will always be, one of my favorite songs – to me, it’s one of those perfect songs, you know? There aren’t a lot of those. But this one’s one of them. Jeff Buckley’s cover will always be my favorite, but I love a lot of other covers, too) and it brings me to tears every time. Every single time. And if you think about it, a song that brings you to tears every time, when you’ve heard it probably 100 times in your life or something, kind of wins. I start crying at “there was a time when you let me know/what’s really going on below/but now you never show that to me, do you?” and then when he comes in with “all I’ve ever learned from love/was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you” I’m gone.

You want…who to talk to you on chat. Your friends? Strangers? If you want to talk to strangers, go to Twitter. If you want to talk to your friends…well, sweetie, talk to your friends. Hit them up on chat. I’m sorry you’re lonely. I get it. It’s one of the worst feelings in the world. I get it. And I’m sorry. I’m also sorry you’re looking for friends in your “people you may know” list because you’re lonely. I wish I could tell you how to fix this. All I can tell you is to hold on. Your people are out there. There are people for everyone. Sometimes it just takes a little longer to find them, is all.

ZOMG, sad clown smoking weed. This even makes me feel bad for a CLOWN, you guys. Also, why so many weed-related searches this month? I don’t even approve of the stuff. I think it makes you stupid. Anything that makes you stupid is not something I can sign off on. I despise stupidity in all its forms.

I got a lot of searches for people who are going to kill themselves. I’m really hoping it’s because once I talked about The Royal Tenenbaums and not because people are really going to kill themselves. Listen, I’ll say the same thing as I did above: hold on. I understand suicidal tendencies as much as I understand loneliness. Don’t even think I don’t. Which is why, whenever I hear anyone’s committed suicide, I don’t think, “What a dumbass,” I think, “I get it. I wish they’d waited a bit, though, because things do get better.” Listen, kiddos. Or grownup-os. I get it. I’m not just saying I get it. I get it. I’ve been there. Moments away from there, actually. And I still have a brain that tends to walk down those paths when things get rough. I think I always will. But – well, don’t. Because you can’t even begin to imagine the things you’ll miss out on. Had I gone through with it, I would have missed the best years of my life. And you don’t think so, but your death will make others so, so lost. You’re not just erasing yourself, you’re hurting people who love you. Please don’t. Find someone to talk to. There are helplines. You can email people for help. You can talk to friends, family members, someone at your church, I don’t even care. Talk to SOMEONE. Please. I don’t want to get all “life’s too precious for you to throw it away,” but it is. It really, really is.

I don’t know if people are scared of love. People are scared of the end result of love: loss. Because yes, sometimes love works out for the best. Sure it does. But more often than not, someone’s heart gets broken. And you can’t breathe with the pain of it. And you wonder when this is going to stop, because isn’t it going to get better, eventually? Days pass, turning into weeks, a month, more, and it still hurts, just as much as it did when it started. Because our hearts, they are stupid. Very, very stupid. And they just want to go back to before, when there is no before to go back to. So, no. People are not scared of love. People are scared of not-love. People are scared of what happens when the love leaves.

There is nothing funny or humorous about missing someone. You can’t make it be funny, and there is nothing you can tell me that will change my mind about this, so stop it.

Your baby’s father is calling you a fat bitch. Well, that’s Maury-worthy, isn’t it? And sad. Listen, I’m sorry. Sometimes babies show up in relationships and the relationship wasn’t the most stable to begin with. Because human reproduction can happen whether or not you’re in love, or whether or not you’re in the best position to be a stable couple to raise that child. I know! It is TRUE! Don’t allow yourself to be around someone who is calling you names; don’t allow your child to be around someone who is disrespecting you. And I’m sorry. It’s tough. It’s never an easy situation, this.

Yes. You can choke yourself to death with a belt. It is a thing that happens. You’ve heard of autoerotic asphyxiation, I assume? Belts. Or whatever they’re choking themselves out with. And people die from this. Don’t tie things around your neck. That’s where your air goes.

Category the Fourteenth: Fun foreign things

finlands karta städer – this means “map cities” in Swedish. So this search is asking for Finland’s “map cities” in Swedish, which is a big ball of crazy contradictions. But I think this one’s for you, Andreas.

us bundesstaaten – this means “US federal states” in German, which sounds a lot fancier in German than it is in English, sadly, as is often the case.

カメリア・シネンシス- this means “Camellia sinensis” in Japanese. Which is the plant from which we get tea. Aren’t I a fancypants? JAPANESE searches, you guys!

übersetzung rather large amount of gratitude  – unless Google’s screwing with me, this word MEANS translation in German. Hmm. So I’m assuming the person wanted the German word for a large amount of gratitude? Can’t help you, darlin’, sorry. No idea.

Category the Fifteenth: This saying confuses me

be the kind of a girl when you wake up devil says oh crap she’s up

I know someone who has this hanging in her office cubicle, and every time I see it I am confused. Are we saying you’re like a devil? That you’re worse than the devil? That you scare the devil? That’s you’re so PURE you scare the devil? I don’t really understand this. I think I’d be happy if the devil didn’t pay any attention to me. I find the devil frightening and hope I’m not on the devil’s radar. Because, well, fire and pitchforks and shit.

Category the Sixteenth: I *am*?

when i logged in into my facebook account, your seen there in people you may know list      

I’m seen there? Really? Me? Do you think you might know me? Well, you could send me a friend request, but I might delete it. I don’t accept a lot of ’em. Because, well, strangers. It’s not like I say much that’s scandalous over there. It’s just that I don’t accept a lot of strangers. Sorry, strangers. Also, it’s “you’re.” YOU’RE welcome.

Category the Seventeenth: Things I can help with

tomato frog facts for kids
brackets punctuation rules         
diferent types of poetry
what does “stalks his prey in the night” mean
people you may know checking my facebook
analyse fully and i’ll no longer be a capulet          
new york streets
bear bare homophones
what does the story you knew i was a snake when you picked me up mean?

Tomato frog facts: most of them live in Madagascar; they are red, hence the name; they secret a gummy toxic substance (that’s what she said) to make predators let them loose; they can puff themselves up when frightened; they can live from 6-8 years, and they are endangered. You’re welcome!

The rules for brackets are twisty and turny. Here’s a website; this will help. Similar to parentheses, but not quite. Here you go. Conquer grammar, my darlings. It makes me happy you’re interested. More than you know.

There are MANY types of poetry. SO many. Something for everyone. You’ll never get bored. You can rhyme or not rhyme or rhyme a little…whatever floats your boat, darlin’. Have so much fun.

“Stalks his prey in the night.” Are you attempting to analyze “The Eye of the Tiger?” I think it’s relating a man on the prowl for a ladyfriend to a tiger on the prowl for meat. A tiger stalks his prey in the night, as a man stalks his “prey” (a lady) in the night as well, probably not on the veldt, though. Probably in bars or at the laundromat or whatever. Are you writing some sort of school paper about this song? I want to read it when you’re done, please.

If people you may know are checking your Facebook (how do you know they are?) I have five words for you; I’ve said them before, and I’ll say them again. LOCK THAT SHIT DOWN, YO. Set your privacy settings and lock it DOWN. Don’t let strangers look in your windows. Pull your blackout curtains. It’s none of their business. If you don’t do this, it’s your damn fault people are looking at you.

Haven’t we talked about this before? “I’ll no longer be a Capulet” is Juliet saying not only is she going to change her name to Montague when she marries Romeo, but she’ll renounce her affiliation to her family out of love for him; her love for him trumps everything, familial duty, everything in the world. When I first read this, I was Juliet’s age, and I was all “swoon swoon! THAT IS SO ROMANTIC!” But now I am a grown-ass woman and I think, “Yeah. Any romantic relationship you’re in that causes you to renounce people or things you loved previously in order to keep it alive is an abusive one that is destined for heartbreak, Juliet, and really, this relationship had ‘mutual suicide in the tomb’ written all over it from the get-go.” But that’s just me, right? Right.

New York streets. They are wonderful and sometimes people-choked and sometimes empty; they have so much history on them you can feel it around you like ghosts. You walk them and you feel part of a bigger whole. Every street has a different feel; every street has something amazing to look at on it; every street is an adventure. Just a little over a month and I’ll be back. With Andreas, even, so it’s twice as special. Can’t wait.

Bear bare homophones. This made me laugh because there’s a long-running joke on 30 Rock that this is the fictional NBC’s highest-rated game show: one where they say a homophone, like “bee” and ask the contestant to guess: is it the insect, or the verb tense? And the contestant guesses, and he/she is ALWAYS WRONG. They had a celebrity version where it was John McEnroe and he of course lost his shit: “THIS GAME IS RIGGED! IT’S ALWAYS THE OPPOSITE ONE OF THE ONE I PICK!!!”

We talked about the story of the snake and knowing what it was, Short Attention Span McGee. If you pick up a snake, and it bites you, it’s your own damn fault. You picked up that snake. You knew the risks; you shouldn’t be whining “BUT IT BIT ME!” because you KNEW. People are snakes, sometimes. And if you picked up someone who had the potential to bite you, and he/she bit you? Well, don’t go whining you need antivenom. It’s your own damn fault.

Category the Eighteenth: Oh, well, Dumbcat likes this. Dumbcat likes this a lot.    

ask lucy cat

Dumbcat says to tell you if you have any questions for him, he’d be glad to answer them and give you advice, because he’s nothing if not helpful. He’s furry AND helpful. And warm. He’s on my leg right now, snoring like a buzzsaw. Such a good boy, this one. And happy to answer your questions, if you have any for him he can answer. Last night he was super-bereft because I left the house at 8am and didn’t get home until almost 11pm and who would give him his treats at 8pm? No one. So he went “Meoooooow! Meooiuuuuu? MEOW! Meoiuuuu?” when I came in and it made me so sad. Sorry I’m a neglectful mom, bub.

Category the Nineteenth: …and finally, possibly the best search term that got anyone here, ever 

what’s that blog called football, but isn’t about football, lucy something

I’ve made it. I’ve really made it. I’m “that blog called football that isn’t about football lucy something.” SNIFF. I’m so PROUD.

Two days of search terms! Impressive, no? No questions. Step that shit up next month, searchers, or else it’s to your detriment, seriously. I can’t help you unless you LET me.

Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.

Love, Me.

(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)

(Psst, also, it’s Amy’s Mom’s birthday today. Happy birthday, Amy’s Mom! Even though you will never read this because one time I used a dirty word and that means I’m not a LADY! Have a good day hanging out with the nuns! No, seriously, my mom is spending her birthday hanging out with nuns, that’s not even a euphemism for anything else. Nuns! Happy birthday, Mom!)

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

30 responses to “An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 19): Part Two of Two

  • Mer

    Awhile ago NPR had this story about how “Hallelujah” is one of the most covered songs of all-time, so much so that many people don’t know that LC’s version is the original. http://www.npr.org/2012/12/02/166112493/dozens-of-covers-later-hallelujah-endures
    Hope all is well in Amy-land. *hugs*

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Ooh, I saved that link for later reading tonight. I read a bunch of articles about the song earlier in the week. Cohen originally had 80 verses for it when he wrote it! 80! That is INSANE! And also WONDERFUL and I want to read them ALL!

      I think the younger generation relates this song to “Shrek,” and not Leonard Cohen, sadly enough (who they probably don’t know – he’s their grandparents’ age, or even – gulp – GREAT-grandparents’ age. I AM SO OLD.)

      Hugs BACK. Miss you!

      Like

  • Kris

    I think your blog ought to be subtitled “NOT a euphemism” :-)

    Like

  • Kris

    Oh, also, the woman/devil quote means that she wants to be a bad-ass Christian, who is not afraid of the devil, because of her faith. Not that she’s uber-pure or anything, just that she is “strong in the Lord”.
    :-)

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Ah, so the Devil is scared of her because she’s RELIGIOUS. That explains why I didn’t get it. I was overthinking it. Not the first, or the last, time I’ll do that, I’m sure.

      Like

  • Rick

    I saw Leonard Cohen in concert just to hear “Hallelujah”. It turns out that he has written some other cool songs, too.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      He’s wonderful. I love his voice. It just gives me chills. Although I love “Hallelujah,” I go all swoony over “Chelsea Hotel No. 2” and “Everybody Knows” as well. Plus many others. He’s got one of those spine-tickly voices that I really like. Like Tom Waits. Very moody. Perfect for late nights. I’m filled with envy you got to see him live. I’d like to do that. Very much.

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Aw, happy birthday Amy’s mom! Good luck with the nuns I guess?

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      They are having a wings and wine party and inviting the priests. It’s all very suspect and I don’t understand it at all. Not even a little bit.

      I will, however, pass on your birthday wishes. She likes you. She thinks you are very classy. Which makes me laugh. Not because you’re not, but I don’t know that when talking about you I’ve ever said, “Oh, that classy Andreas!” or whatever, so it’s like she came up with that one on her own. I think she must have watched a movie with someone from Finland once who was classy. It’s the only explanation that makes sense to me.

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    I’m so excited about meeting up with you in New York it’s a bit embarrassing. I can’t wait! (I will have to, though.)

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      It’s no more embarrassing than me counting the days on pretty much a daily basis. SO SO EXCITED ANDREAS!!!

      Dad said today, “You have to cancel that trip to New York City, there are bad things happening there,” and when I asked him what, he said, “You can’t get a big soda because of Bloomberg now, is what!” and I said, “Dad, I haven’t had soda since I started my migraine medication three years ago and it interacts with it, you know that” and he said “IT’S THE PRINCIPLE OF THE THING!!!” and I said, “Are you just afraid I’ll get mugged and kidnapped by the mole people who live in the subway like you always are when I go to the City?” and he said “Yes. Maybe. LET’S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE NOW.”

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    That cat is not amused. Not even a little.

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Also, WordPress had in its wisdom decided that I didn’t want to follow your blog anymore. That’s all lies! I totally want to follow your blog. Stop making me unfollow Lucy’s Football, WordPress! It’s rude, is what it is. It made me almost miss these two awesome posts. So stop it, WordPress.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      It keeps doing that to us, Andreas. Why is WordPress trying to make us not be friends? I don’t like it. If I was Dad, I’d blame the government. (Although it always makes me smile when I get the “Andreas is following your blog!” email. Hee! I think, “He IS? Well! THAT’S good news all over again!”)

      Like

  • sj

    Category the thirteenth has me all choked up.

    Like

  • Heather

    Happy Birthday, Amy’s mom!!!

    You get THE weirdest search terms. Hahaha!

    Like

  • mfennvt

    Also, why so many weed-related searches this month? I don’t even approve of the stuff. I think it makes you stupid.

    Such a shame Carl Sagan never amounted to anything, being stupid and all. ;)

    Like

  • That Place Between Sleep and Awake « Something to Read for the Train

    […] users directly, because it could very well be interpreted as snark. Some do: take, for instance, Amy @ Lucy’s Football , who takes responds about once a month to the strangest search terms used to find her blog, and […]

    Like

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