I am working up to a real post with real ideas and real thoughts and real writing and such but I don’t have time for that tonight because it is about an hour and a half before I have to be in bed. Sorry, I’m not the best at time management. I had to grocery shop tonight and also screw around on the internet for like hours and shit, it was all VERY IMPORTANT. And now Dumbcat is so snuggled into my leg he’s like a remora. REMORA CAT!!!!
It is still very cold but not SO very cold so that’s nice. Well, nicER, not NICE or anything. It warmed up just enough to snow so I have to clean off my car before going to work tomorrow, I guess. Also, randomly and schizophrenically, Dad said it’s supposed to be 40 by Wednesday. URGH. Just pick a temperature and GO with it, weather. You are giving me whiplash.
Today was “watch Justified and then call Dad and explain what happened on Justified” night. See, Justified is on at 10pm. I try to get to bed by 10pm nowadays. Because I am old and like to get up by 6am. So Dad watches it on Tuesdays. And then all week he’s all, “bet you might watch it tonight so we can talk about it! What about tonight! How about TONIGHT? I’m FORGETTING what HAPPENED, Amy!” but usually I can’t watch it until Friday becasue there are other things on and I’m busy as hell. Sorry, Dad.
Justified is a very good show about people who live in the south and some are good and some are bad but really no one’s clearly one or the other. Also, the men are pretty. VERY pretty. And there’s a lot of gunplay. And Raylan. And Boyd. The whole show makes me happy. It’s so not even my type of show, it’s Dad’s type of show, but the acting and the writing make it stellar. Also, I like that Dad and I have a show. We don’t agree on much, television-wise. It’s nice.
So I attempted to watch Justified but found that I had recorded it incorrectly. Shush, you, I’m old-school and don’t have a DVR because of various reasons. Eventually all the VCRs will break and it’s not like I can get another one unless I have a time machine or a Delorean.
SO, I said, Amy, I said (because I talk to myself), let’s try the exciting new streaming thingy you haven’t gotten a chance to play with yet. YES AMY! said I in response, because who’s going to respond to me, the cat? He can’t TALK, you guys. Let’s TRY the streaming service and see what happens!
Ooh, this is going to be dangerous, you guys.
YES, Amazon Prime had Tuesday’s Justified. You had to pay for it, of course, but they had it. And Dad was WAITING. And he was getting CRANKY. A cranky Dad is not a fun Dad. He looks forward to discussing (i.e. “me explaining”) Justified every week, yo.
So all you have to do is put in your password and BOOP! you now have the show on your television. Just like that! Just like MAGIC! It’s like a credit card for your TELEVISION! And even better, I had some sort of Amazon credit I didn’t even know I had, so it was FREE.
Yup. I like the future very much.
So then I called Dad. Elaine, stop reading now. Unless you watched this week’s Justified. This will spoil it for you. I love your face and I hate spoiling things.
Dad: I have to go upstairs. Shh.
Me: Why do I have to shh? And why do you have to go upstairs?
Dad: Your mother is watching Undercover Boss and she said I have to be quiet.
Me: Did she say *I* have to be quiet?
Dad: No. But if I do, so do you.
Me: Seems legit. Especially since I’m like 4 hours away.
Dad: DID YOU WATCH IT?
Me: Yes. Do you remember it?
Dad: Mostly. There were people doing things. Raylan didn’t shoot anyone.
Me: You should write recaps. That’s really all anyone needs. “People did things; Raylan didn’t shoot anyone.”
Dad: That guy who was beating up that psychic is on my soap opera. He’s Danny’s son. I kept saying, “Danny’s son, why are you a thug right now?”
Me: Yeah, I have the same problem with some of their casting. I keep calling the heroin dealer “The Kirk” because that’s who he played on Dear John in the 80s with Judd Hirsch and I can’t take the ultimate fighter seriously because he was some doofy doctor who got killed off when the gunman came into the hospital on Grey’s Anatomy.
Dad: You remember too many things. Your head is frightening.
Me: Yeah. Tell me about it. Try living in here. It’s no cakewalk, sunshine.
Dad: I think Raylan’s girlfriend stole his money.
Me: Oh, I wasn’t paying attention to that part, I was talking to Andreas. Is that what happened?
Dad: You’re supposed to be watching this and reporting back to me, not talking to spies in Finland.
Me: Sorry. I’ll do better next time.
Dad: YOU SAY THAT EVERY TIME.
Me: I know. I’m really a failure, here. It’s embarrassing.
Dad: Did we find out anything else about that missing pilot?
Me: No. They’re dragging that out. I think we found out he saw something he shouldn’t have right before he disappeared.
Dad: Also, there were snakes. I couldn’t look at those snakes. You know I hate snakes.
Me: Yes, Indiana Jones, I know how you feel about snakes. I laughed at those snakes. They were funny. I liked when that guy got all bitten by snakes and when Boyd asked what happened, his friend was all, “I think a snake bit him!” and a snake-head was like HANGING OFF HIS FACE. And Ava was all, “Yes. That is very clear.”
Dad: Ava and Boyd are BAD NEWS. You shouldn’t like them.
Me: I LOVE THEM. They are the best. Well, mostly Boyd. You just don’t like Ava anymore because she stopped taking her top off.
Dad: No comment. NONE AT ALL.
Me: Also, I like where they’re going with this whole snake-church thing. I felt bad for the poor preacher tonight when he realized he didn’t have a way with the snakes after all and his sister was a secret badguy.
Dad: And then Boyd snuck off like a thief in the night. That guy is BAD NEWS.
Me: No. Boyd was SAD for that preacher. He RELATED to him. Remember, Boyd thought he was touched by God once, too. Boyd is GOOD, Dad. Just a little broken. That’s why I like him.
Dad: You are weird. YOU ARE A WEIRDO PERSON.
Me: I also, however, would not kick Raylan out of bed, and that is a fact, so I’m not SO weird.
Dad: DO NOT SAY KICK OUT OF BED TO YOUR FATHER.
Me: Fine. I have to go do some things now. You should go watch Undercover Boss. Wait, I’ll spoil it for you, ready? The boss reveals himself, everyone pretends to be shocked, and he gives some people trips and/or vacations.
Dad: THAT PART MAKES ME HAVE ALLERGIES.
Me: I know it does. That’s why they do it. It’s manipulative.
Dad: Next week you need to watch our show sooner than Friday. I always forget all the things that happened if you wait too long.
Me: You’d forget even if I called you Wednesday.
Dad: Who is this? How did I get upstairs? Where am I? WHO AM I?
Me: Hee! WHAT DAY IS THIS?
Dad: IS IT DAY OR NIGHT? WHOSE BED AM I LYING ON RIGHT NOW?
Me: You are the best. Go watch the boss trick people. Bring a Kleenex for your seasonal allergies that will hit you at like 8:50pm.
Dad: I’m going to pretend I don’t know who I am to your mother. What do you think she’ll say?
Me: She’ll look at you like you’re nuts and shush you for interrupting Undercover Boss.
Dad: Sigh. You are correct. Goodnight, weirdo daughter.
Me: Goodnight, slowly-losing-it father.
I’m pretty sure someone would pay mucho dinero to have me and Dad write them television recaps every week, right? RIGHT. Hell, I’d read ’em. Dad and I are HYSTERICAL.
Off to bed, my merry band of miscreants. Have a happy weekend! Do lots of things! Try not to be arrested and/or get your heart broken! Love love love!