It’s cold. VERY COLD. Some of you people might live in places where it is not as cold. And that’s nice for you! So nice. Here, it is currently 10 degrees. TEN. When I was driving to work this morning? It was -2. NEGATIVE TWO.
(I like to email Andreas when it’s this cold and say, “In YOUR temperature that is -19 NEGATIVE NINETEEN ANDREAS!!!!” And he doesn’t even complain, not even a little.)
This is what my car apparently thinks when it is this cold:
“Nope. I’m not into this. Not at all. It’s too cold. TOO COLD. Let’s just hang out here in the parking lot, what do you say? Just, like, here? In the lot. No? Oh, you’re actually going to try to start me? Oh, well, that’s ill-advised, but, well, you do your thing, I guess. I’ll just…stall out. Yep. See, I tried to warn you it’s just too damn cold for this. You’re trying AGAIN? Well, aren’t you optimistic, like a young girl or a unicorn or something. OK, let’s do this. I GUESS I can stay running. But not without a cost. And that cost is that I’m going to scare you by randomly lighting up some of your warning lights. You’ll never know which ones when you start the car. Today, let’s do…um…the airbag, the emergency brake, and the gas cap warning lights. That seems like fun! Oh, yes, well, if you turn me off and on a few times, I’ll flash DIFFERENT lights on and off…and it’s like a slot machine, because at some point, I’ll turn on with NO WARNING LIGHTS ON! And then you WIN! But mostly, the house wins. And I’m the house, baby. Oh, also, I’m going to chug a lot, and when you hit the brakes, I’m going to buck like a pony that just got stung by a bee. YOU’RE WELCOME!”
Also, the other day when it was super-cold? I had no signal lights. Nope. They just didn’t work. None. FROZEN SIGNAL LIGHTS. Just TOO DAMN COLD. You’d think I lived in the Arctic or something but I don’t see any penguins so I don’t even get the cool perks of the Arctic. Wait, is it the Arctic where there are penguins? I’m really tired and probably I could Google it, but, TIRED. Also, I put a billion blankets on my bed recently and it’s SO WARM there, you guys, like, it’s CALLING to me. In a happy little voice. “AMY. Come SLEEP HERE. You will be SO WARM. It’s like SLEEPING in a CLOUD. A WARM CLOUD.”
Fine, I Googled it, penguins do NOT live in the Arctic, they live in the Antarctic. Is this like how I couldn’t tell the difference between stalagmites and stalactites for like a billion years until someone taught me a trick? (YES, I’ll share it with you. Stalagmites come out of the ground. There is a “g” in stalagmites. “G” for “ground.” Stalactites come out of the ceiling. There’s a “c” in stalactites. “C” for “ceiling.” I have a lot of these tricks. They’re how I remember most things in life.)
I have to go make muffins in a minute. That’s not even a euphemism. We’re having another snack day at work tomorrow. So I’m making muffins tonight. That, until about five seconds ago, I totally forgot about. So, shit, I’d better get to making those muffins now, right? Anyone want to come over and make muffins or anything? I’m totally all warm on the couch and the cat’s all snuggled up to my leg. Sigh. SIGH I SAID SIGH.
I asked Andreas today if this was the ice age and no one told me and he was all “Um, *I* told you, unless you haven’t been reading my blog” and, yes. Yes, he did. Look, per Andreas, “We are currently experiencing a temporary thaw (or interglacial period) in the ongoing Pleistocene ice age. So, the current ice age hasn’t ended yet, it’s just on hold for an unknown number of thousand years.” We’re apparently in an ongoing ice age. Well, THAT’S depressing. Who likes THAT? No one, is who. Dammit. I told Andreas if this is the ice age I’m going to need to buy some earmuffs or something.
Then I told Dad Andreas said it was the ice age and Dad said, “No, it’s GLOBAL WARMING, that’s what that guy who invented the internet said.” And I said, “I think it can be both, Dad.” And then Dad said, “Did you know over 1,000 scientists said there is no global warming?”
Sometimes I try very hard not to laugh when Dad says things, because I love him. But sometimes he says things that are straight from Fox News and I can’t help myself.
“And probably over 10,000 scientists say there IS global warming,” I replied. Dad didn’t like that.
“Those scientists that are lying about global warming, do you know where they got their degrees?” he asked. I didn’t know how to answer this. “UNIVERSITIES!” he said, triumphantly.
I still didn’t know how to answer this.
“Um. So…the 1,000 other scientists have a degree from…the school…of hard knocks? Then? I am confused by this,” I said. “I would think that MOST scientists get their degrees from universities. That’s where degrees are usually bestowed upon people,” I said.
“The UNIVERSITIES are run by the GOVERNMENT and the GOVERNMENT wants you to THINK there is global warming so they can give guns to other countries so they can kill us,” Dad said.
I’m not going to go into detail, mostly because it was a HUGE BALL OF CRAZY, but apparently Fox News told my dad today that the government was going to take millions of dollars to “change the weather” (“Ha ha, Amy, YOUR PRESIDENT thinks if he THROWS MONEY AT THE WEATHER it will CHANGE!” Dad said, and I replied with, “I don’t think they’ll be hucking dollar bills into the wind, Dad”) but really they were going to secretly give to other countries so they could arm their militias and then take over Merka. I don’t even…huh.
“Do you think maybe that money is so they can have scientists look for ways to help us SOLVE global warming?” I asked Dad.
He laughed and laughed. “Oh, Amy. I love you, but that’s what wrong with you people. Listen to me: THERE IS NO GLOBAL WARMING.”
(Just so you know, in case you were confused, “you people” means “liberals.” “Liberals” also means “idiots” or “braindead morons” or “sheep.” I like to remind Dad that “liberal” also means “his beloved daughter” but he doesn’t like to think about that.)
At that point, I just changed the subject to something else. But not the weather, because apparently that’s now a taboo subject. Pretty soon we’re only going to be able to talk about…um…I don’t even know. How much the people in line at the Walmart annoyed him today? Where to buy the cheapest old-people vitamins? I. Do. Not. Know. What. Topics. Are. Safe. Maybe Fox News should let me know what they’re going to lie about daily so I know what to avoid?
Alright. I have to make some non-euphemistic muffins, yo. Then I’m going to bed. In my warm cloud of blankets. Aaah.
Stay warm, my little blueberries. Also, keep your pets indoors. Dumbcat said I had to include that part, and I can’t argue with him. He’s too adorably furry.