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This blog is just like “Wild Kingdom” only with more unsatisfying bird-sex.

Today we’re going to talk about the glory of birds. (WE…DID IT ALL…FOR THE GLORY OF BIRRRRRDS!) (Shut up, when I was a teen-Amy, that song was my FAVORITE, because I was all into the Karate Kid movies. I didn’t always make the best choices. Still don’t.)

AMY! WE JUST TALKED ABOUT BIRDS! you are yelling at me. DINOSAUR BIRDS!

Well, yes, we did. But we’re totally not talking about dinosaur birds today. We’re talking about awesome REGULAR birds that exist on our OWN PLANET NOW. And did I mention they’re awesome? Because they ARE.

I have a weird history with birds. (That sounds terrible and naughty. It was not meant that way. I promise.) I had a pair of lovebirds when I was in high school. I was so excited because they were the first pets I got to own MYSELF and they were MY PETS and I got to NAME them and I was VERY EXCITED ZOMG. Only come to find out they did one thing, and that one thing was screech. Constantly. They didn’t stop. They started out in my bedroom but then I couldn’t sleep so we moved them to the laundry room and then the whole family couldn’t sleep so then we moved them to the BASEMENT and we STILL couldn’t sleep so we gave them away. SO LOUD. So pretty and green with pretty faces but so loud. And also they totally didn’t let me touch them. I wanted to touch their pretty feathers and snappy beaks.

They were peach-faced lovebirds so they were really the prettiest.

They were peach-faced lovebirds so they were really the prettiest.

Then in grad school I knew someone with a parrot that tried to eat my whole ear and I totally bled all over the place. That parrot was smart and could say things and was crafty but also super-mean. And we had a parakeet at the pet store where I worked that could say its name (“EGGY!” and no, I don’t know why its name was Eggy, I assume because it said something that sounded like Eggy, and someone who worked at the pet store before me said, “That must be his name!”) He also would ride around on your shoulder and he never pooped on your shirt. I liked Eggy very much.

There are no pictures of what Eggy looked like online. This is close.

There are no pictures of what Eggy looked like online. This is close.

I also had a pair of birds right after grad school but when I moved I gave them away because I decided I was not a bird person. They ALSO did not let me touch them, and also birds are messy and make a lot of noise. I’m better with cats that knock over things when they fall off the bookcase. Or fish. I’m very good with fish. I want fish again someday.

ANYWAY, after I blogged about dinosaur birds who used their dancy rumps to get all the ladies, I got TWO VIDEOS about OTHER AWESOME BIRDS from TWO PEOPLE I LOVE. See what a lucky woman I am? The luckiest, is how lucky.

First, the amazing Mer who I miss like CRAZY posted the following video to my Facebook page after she read about dinosaur rump-shakery:

This is the Vogelkop Bowerbird. I had never heard of this bird before. Now it is one of my favorite new feathered friends.

Look at my pleasing display, yo!

Look at my pleasing display, yo!

In case you decide not to watch this totally kickass video, I will tell you the highlights.

  • the Vogelkop Bowerbird is an interior decorator. He lives in a little thatchy thing. Which is, given his name, not surprisingly, called a bower. And he DECORATES it. With things like fungus, leaves, insects, and in one case, DEER DUNG. Heh. 
  • these birds also like color schemes. They’re like wedding planners. The deer dung bird liked nature colors so he chose browns. The other bird liked brighter colors. Also, his insect decor kept crawling away, and he kept running back to retrive the insects and put them back where they belonged and it was SO FUNNY AND AWESOME.
  • The deer dung bird didn’t want the fungus that was growing in his dung to mess up his all-brown color scheme so he spent a long time plucking all the fungus out of the dung. These birds crack my shit UP. No pun intended with the shit and the dung.
  • The reason these birds decorate their little bowers is because the lady-birds choose their mates depending on whose display pleases them the most. Sex knows no species boundaries, my friends. None at all.
  • Near the end of the video there’s some total birdie-style sexing, for those of you who like such things. I’m looking at you, Ding Dong Joe. (Also, apparently birds are QUICK. Whoo! I don’t feel that lady-bird’s needs were at all satisfied.)

This bird lives in Indonesia so the odds are good I will never ever see this bird. I don’t know that I’ll ever go to Indonesia.

According to Wikipedia, the Satin Bowerbird chooses items of ALL THE SAME COLOR, so that one’s even MORE fun. These birds are enjoyable as hell.

He likes blue the MOST. ALL THE BLUE THINGS!

He likes blue the MOST. ALL THE BLUE THINGS!

Also, when I was playing this video, Dumbcat stood in the middle of the living room and turned his head all around and said, “Merouuu?” because he thought there were birds in the house. Dumbcat wants to eat a bird very badly. Or make friends with a bird. I’m not quite sure of his motivations, bird-wise.

Then I tweeted Andreas, totally taking him to task for not telling me about this amazing bird. Because he’s all sciency, you see. Andreas should tell me about ALL the things. (It never crossed my mind he wouldn’t know about these birds. And as you will see, I was right in that assumption, even though you know what they say about making asses out of both you AND me.)

He responded with:

Andreas makes me laugh and also smile with happiness. He’s just the best.

He then told me about the bird that only likes blue (I’m going to assume that’s the Satin Bowerbird) and then sent me the link to the NEXT video, and listen, this one’s ALSO an awesome bird. Check THIS one out:

This is the lyrebird. The lyrebird can make ALL THE SOUNDS. Not just other bird sounds. Did you watch that video? You should. It’s not even very long. And it’s totally the most entertaining. That bird is pretty and also VERY TALENTED.

Tail of PRETTINESS!!!

Tail of PRETTINESS!!!

It can make the following noises:

  • other birds;
  • photography equipment;
  • logging equipment like chainsaws; and
  • car alarms.

And they TOTALLY SOUND LIKE WHAT THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO BE. This bird sounds like he has a tape recorder in his throat. It is AMAZING. Plus he has a pretty tail, like a little mini-peacock.

THIS time, when I watched THIS video, Dumbcat LEAPT up onto the couch, and proceeded to crowd up onto my lap where the laptop was. I was all, “bub, what are we doing right now OH HUH THAT’S WELL NO LET’S NOT…” because he then attempted to lick the screen.

Apparently lyrebirds were more tempting than bowerbirds. Dumbcat wants to eat a lyrebird. Even though all those tailfeathers would make him sneeze and the minute it started making car-alarm noises, he’d get scared and hide in the pots-and-pans cupboard. (When the windows are open in the spring/summer, he also licks the screens when birds are on the porch. He doesn’t attempt to go THROUGH the screens. He’s hefty and totally could, if he wanted to. No, he just licks the metal screens. Because he’s…well, he’s my Dumbcat, I suppose.)

Also, I loved this video the most, because when the lyrebird made kookaburra noises, he was SO CONVINCING, a kookaburra totally came to see what was up. A KOOKABURRA! My favorite bird of ALL THE TIMES! Now I want a lyrebird AND a kookaburra. They would be the best of friends. I would name them Fred and Jimmy. Why? I don’t know, I don’t question your life choices. RUDE.

I like kookaburras because a., they seem to get the joke, b., when I saw one at the zoo it laughed JUST FOR ME, and c., when I was little Dad sang the kookaburra song with me. That's a lot of reasons, yo.

I like kookaburras because a., they seem to get the joke, b., when I saw one at the zoo it laughed JUST FOR ME, and c., when I was little Dad sang the kookaburra song with me. That’s a lot of reasons, yo.

Lyrebirds live in Australia, mate. I’d totally go to Australia and meet all the lyrebirds. And also all the kookaburras. And meet a guy with a sexy accent. And meet Nemo. Those things all can happen in Australia, I saw it on my teevee.

P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney, Australia. IT WAS ON TEEVEE IT MUST BE TRUE!!!!

P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney, Australia. ELLEN DEGENERES WAS A BLUE FISH AND SHE SAID IT ON MY TEEVEE IT MUST BE TRUE!!!!

So what have we learned today?

  • Bowerbirds are the interior decorators of the avian world
  • Bowerbirds only have sex for like thirty seconds
  • Female bowerbirds are probably bitter and grumpy due to that last tidbit of information
  • SATIN bowerbirds seem to only like blue things, which is super-selective and pretty
  • But, since they are bowerbirds, I assume they still are all wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am (SAD)
  • Lyrebirds are the best mimics ever and remind me of that guy from the Police Academy movies, only prettier
  • Lyrebirds can EVEN FOOL KOOKABURRAS
  • Andreas knows about all the birds, every last one of them
  • Dumbcat wants to either eat or make friends with a bird (debatable)

This has been a very big day, blog-wise. We have learned MANY THINGS. I think you’ll all want to take a nap now, probably. I can’t blame you.

If anyone has a lyrebird or a kookaburra they’re looking to rehome, you let me know. Dumbcat and I would take very good care of them. Promise.

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

25 responses to “This blog is just like “Wild Kingdom” only with more unsatisfying bird-sex.

  • Words for Worms

    I’m glad I learned all these new bird things… But… There are thousands of penguins crying themselves to sleep right now because you wrote a whole post on birds of the here and now without talking about penguins. Their little bird tears are forming ice cubes. It’s devastating.

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    It’s interesting to note that all the birds you’ve ever owned or known seem to have been parrots. Well, you didn’t mention what species of bird your kept after grad school, so I’m forced to extrapolate and assume they were parrots as well. Parrots are VERY intelligent, several of them more so than chimpanzees and gorillas. This doesn’t make them easy pets. They need a lot of mental stimuli to be happy. Also, they live for like forever; 70 years or more.

    (I so want a parrot one day…)

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Also, I so don’t know all the birds; after all, I’m no ornithologist. There are more than 10,000 species of them, you know. They are the most specious if all the tetrapods (Isn’t it kind of funny that birds are classified as tetrapods? What with their wings and two feet and all… No? Ok, only me then.).

    Like

  • becomingcliche

    I am not a bird person. At all. A full time job came available in the bird department, and I didn’t even apply for it. I am not, not, not a bird person. I can appreciate weird things about them from a distance, but I don’t want to keep them.

    We had a macaw at the zoo who was unusual. She didn’t pair bond with one person, so we could all use her. That didn’t mean she liked everyone equally, though. It would sometimes take me 30 minutes to get her out of her cage. It hurt my feelings.

    Like

    • Andreas Heinakroon

      Can’t macaws be quite difficult? Also due to their high intelligence, I’d venture.

      Speaking of big parrots, I heard a funny story about galahs a while back. (You’re aware of the galah, aren’t you? The Australian rose-breasted cockatoo?) *in a broad Australian accent* “You know how to cook a galah? You dig a pit, and build a fire in it. You chuck a bunch of rocks in the fire. You chuck in the galah. When the rocks are soft, you eat the galah.”

      Well. It was funny at the time.

      Like

      • lucysfootball

        I had to bird-sit macaws once when I worked at the Humane Society. The owner said, “you can look at them. They might even call you over to them. DO NOT TOUCH THEM. They will bite you SO HARD.” I had a healthy respect for them. But I watched them a lot, because they were super-pretty.

        No eating cockatoos, Andreas. Or rocks. Rocks will break your teeth.

        Like

    • lucysfootball

      The only bird that ever liked me was Eggy, who would ride around on my shirt and nibble delicately on my earrings. Most birds think I’m the devil and try to eat my face or just stay away from me. This makes me think probably birds are suspect because it’s WELL-KNOWN I am very good with animals. VERY GOOD DAMMIT.

      Like

  • sj

    Like Heather, I am not a bird person at all. We had a parakeet and it was THE NOISIEST AND THE MESSIEST AND IT HATED ME so spoiled me on birds FOREVER.

    Like

  • Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd

    I love that the kookaburra is like, “are you talking to me?” and then the lyrebird is all, “NO, I’m just pretending to talk to you to impress ladies, now if you don’t mind, CAR ALARM.”

    Like

  • 35JupiterDrive

    Okay, many points. First, you skipped a day of my blog or you would have learned about bowerbirds becasue I am totally a female bowerbird. Well, I wouldn’t be in to the decorating with shit thing. THat wouldn’t work. And, er, other parts of that. But I still am a bowerbird. Yo. ;)

    Second, I am a huge bird person. I love them so much. I really wanted an African Grey but now, due to the whole 70 year thing, I probably will not get a bird. :/

    Fun post, so fun! (And esp. for Dumbcat. Yay!)

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      OMG, Em, I totally forgot that! I DO remember you mentioning the bowerbirds now!

      An African Grey was the one that ate my ear and made me bleed! So smart, so pretty, but HATED me!

      Dumbcat makes everything better. He is currently sound asleep and snoring on the back of the couch. I asked him if he’d like to trade places and go to work for me today so I could nap, but he didn’t seem to want to do that. Sigh.

      Like

  • Heather

    These birds are awesome. Thanks for learnin’ me somethin’ today!

    I love the new header! So pretty!

    Like

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