Kind-of-Sort-of-Ask-Lucy a.k.a. I CAN ANSWER THAT! (Volume 11)

Howdy, chicas and…um…chicaroos, I don’t know. Bet you know what’s about to happen, right? Right. It’s like clockwork, this thing. I’m about as predictable as the TIDES, I am.

Time for your most burning questions to be answered! Not THAT kind of burning. I think they have cream for that, Ding Dong Joe.

So, in case you don’t remember, here’s a quick rundown of what’s going on here. What, you might want that, maybe. You might be new or young or lost or super-innocent or something. I can’t guess these things. I am not a psychic with a crystal ball, although that would be a lot of fun.

Ooh, this will be me when I'm old! Nice career move, yeah?

Ooh, this will be me when I’m old! Nice career move, yeah?

Because the search terms posts tend to be insanely long, I break them up into two posts: an open letter to people who find my blog accidentally (that’s yesterday’s post, in case you have goldfish-memory) and a post with just the QUESTIONS that drive people to my blog. And I answer those questions to the best of my ability, and I give advice, some of which is more serious than the rest. And mostly it is the best time ever, except for those other best times you might be having in your life, I suppose.

And, AND, before we get started – today is a very special day. IT IS DUMBCAT’S BIRTHDAY. He doesn’t want me to tell you how old he is, but he’s totally 13. According to this handy website, that means he is 68. So he’s totally a grumpy old cat-man and will start chasing kids off his lawn soon and complaining about the rising price of Dentucreme. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY HANDSOME MAN! I love you more than any animal ever and you are the most wonderfully silly 68-year-old cat who ever fell off the bookcase and then hissed at the bookcase for being too tall.

So, yet again! 

Welcome to…  

Kind-of-sort-of Ask Lucy.  

Subtitled: I CAN ANSWER THAT!  

These are all ACTUAL SEARCH TERMS that brought people to my blog. So these people totally need my help, obviously, because they came to Google SEARCHING FOR HELP. And they obviously didn’t find it, because they ended up here. How this happened, I do not know. It’s one of those mysteries, like how I always seem to lose one of my spoons when I look for it. No, seriously, I have like this one favorite spoon and it’s always missing? Where does it keep going? And then it comes back? And THAT’S weird, right? No? FINE I THINK IT IS BITE ME.



Today we’re going to do things a little differently, because the questions came up a little different. WHAT? AMY! WHAT HOODOO IS THIS? Just roll with it, jellybeans, you’ll see.

obnoxious christmas letters why Um. I assume you’re talking about those letters that some people put in their Christmas cards that tell you about what happened to them and their family that year? I don’t think they’re obnoxious, I think they’re nice. I mean, I think sometimes they’re a little extraneous – you could just write “Happy Holidays” and probably no one would care – but I don’t hate them. I know someone who writes the BEST one each year. I always look forward to it. (I think he reads this, too, so if you’re reading, P., don’t you dare stop, those letters are the BEST THING.) I mean, maybe you’re friends with some obnoxious people and that’s why their letters are obnoxious? Or maybe their lives are great and yours isn’t and you’re all bitterness? I don’t know. I often think we need to look inside ourselves for the answers to our questions. Maybe do that. You’re welcome. Merry Christmas, cranky.

adventure time who stole the pant hose I’m going to assume you mean “pantyhose” because I’m somehow the go-to for pantyhose searches since I mentioned them like TWICE or something, sheesh. And I had no idea what Adventure Time was so I looked it up and apparently it’s some show on the Cartoon Network about a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Which totally sounds upbeat, no? My goodness. Anyway, there was a plotline about pantyhose on this show? What is HAPPENING on the Cartoon Network? Pantyhose and mushroom clouds? I found this screenshot of some Adventure Time game for you.

This show looks like a fever dream or maybe an acid trip. There’s a talking cinnamon bun, apparently. So I guess I can’t answer this question, you have to play the game to find out. Sorry. You’re welcome, are you a grownup watching The Cartoon Network? Shady.

how to bow out of the yankee swap?  Don’t show up to work that day. You can’t bow out otherwise, because people will think you’re like a scroogey grinch and they’re scream things at you like “DON’T YOU LOVE FUN WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU” and it’s just the worst. Just develop a convincing fake cough, and don’t go to work that day. You’re welcome, I’m sorry. I know they suck so bad.

Remember how Michael was so mad he got an oven mitt? Oh, "The Office" used to be funny. Sigh.

Remember how Michael was so mad he got an oven mitt? Oh, “The Office” used to be funny. Sigh.

how to make a fat bitch scream in a car Well! I’m thinking probably call her a “fat bitch” and she’ll get loud. Seriously? WHO THE HELL TYPED THIS INTO A SEARCH ENGINE. Do you mean “scream” like in a sexual way? Are you a psychokiller and this is research for a murder? WHY DO YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS? The answer to your question is, shut the hell up, asshole. You’re welcome, I hate your stupid face.

how to stop notifications keeping me awake Uh…turn your phone off when you sleep? You’re welcome, this seems self-explanatory?

some people just want to use you lyrics from what song I can’t find any songs with these EXACT lyrics, but I’m thinking maybe YOU’RE thinking of “Sweet Dreams” by the Eurythmics? That song says “some of them want to use you” in it, and it’s what I immediately thought of when I saw this search. I mean, I’m sure there are other songs with similar lyrics, but I’m thinking this is the most popular one.

And as nice as the Eurythmics song is, the version of this I love, and will ALWAYS love, is Marilyn Manson’s version. I don’t love all of his music, but some of his songs really hit me in just the right way. This is one of them. You’re welcome, enjoy.

what parasite is killing me Oh, honey, I need more information than this. Although the way you phrased this makes you think we’re related because this is totally the most hypochondriac way to phrase this and I love it. I’m thinking you need to go to the hospital and get some tests done? Because if you really think you have a parasite killing you, I’m thinking you should probably get that taken care of. Tout suite, mon cheri. (Once I watched a dramatic reenactment, SIDE NOTE, on a show, about how people were eating tapeworms to lose weight and then putting steak by their bed when they slept and the tapeworm would come out when they slept and they’d lost enough weight and as I watched this HORRIFIED at the end they said, “This doesn’t really happen, though, it’s an urban legend.” WAY TO TELL ME THAT NOW. I’ve been having nightmares about that shit ever since.) You’re welcome, go see your doctor or maybe a vet. Vets know all about parasites.

This is Tickles the Tapeworm. HE WANTS TO FEAST ON YOUR INSIDES! But is also the cutest.

This is Tickles the Tapeworm. HE WANTS TO FEAST ON YOUR INSIDES! But is also the cutest.

what was wrong with the doll on the island of misfit toys Well, one time I blogged about this and my buddy Chris said she had some sort of mental illness, but then this Christmas I read somewhere her problem was that her hair wasn’t neatly braided. Because dolls need neatly-braided hair? I think it’ll remain a mystery. NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW. Mostly, what was wrong with the toys on that island is that they were too cool. Much cooler than regular toys. I would love to a., live on that island, and b., own any of those toys. I’m totally a misfit toy, yo. You’re welcome, it’s a MYSTERY.               

See? She's got like wonky braids? I used to have those as a kid. My hair won't hold a braid no matter what you do with it. It's slippery, my hair. And poky-outy.

See? She’s got like wonky braids? I used to have those as a kid. My hair won’t hold a braid no matter what you do with it. It’s slippery, my hair. And poky-outy.

when is maalox coming back Well, according to this site (I know it’s Canadian, but read it, it’s about MERKA, too) there’s only one plant that makes all the Novartis products. My Maalox; sj’s Excedrin. No over-the-counter heartburn stuff works as well as Maalox. It’s a sad truth. There was an issue back in January; some glass got into some of the products. The company SAID they were “upgrading the facility” and I suppose they might have been, so that the glass incident didn’t happen again. I don’t know. All I know is that I can’t get my Maalox and sj can’t get her Excedrin and WE ARE NOT HAPPY. However! Just the other day she sent me a glee-filled email saying “EXCEDRIN IS BACK!” Her dad got a sample of Excedrin in the mail! Which would not have happened if they weren’t making it again! And I read in two different places that all the Novartis products are slowly supposed to be hitting the shelves starting in October so it should be ANY DAY NOW!!! Whew, I am so tired of the stupid store-brand non-Maalox that tastes like chalk and doesn’t work. You’re welcome, should be soon soon soooooon.

Come back, Maalox! I miss you!

Come back, Maalox! I miss you!

NOW. Remember a while back I blogged about the Facebook “people you may know” feature? It still gets hits daily. This thing apparently FASCINATES people. And, with this one post, I have become the go-to person for all questions about how to use Facebook. As someone who has a lot of trouble navigating the Facebook forums even for the EASIEST questions, I’m totally down with helping you with these questions and/or mocking you. Let’s see how this works out.

when i click on people you may know am i sending them a friend request? No. You’re just looking at their profile. So you’re either stalking ’em or checking ’em out to see if you actually DO know ’em or Facebook is being weird. (SIDE NOTE: yesterday, Facebook wanted me to friend a theater acquaintance of mine. Which, fine. If he hadn’t died probably four years ago or something. So THAT was creepy.) You’re welcome, click away. Just don’t click on the “send a friend request” button unless you mean it.



25 people you may know facebook? I’m confused about this question. Why 25? I have a lot more than 25 when I click on that “see more people” button. Do you only have 25? Maybe you only know a few people? I’m not really sure what you’re asking. Sorry. You’re welcome, be more specific next time.

facebook got a friend request then all my fiends list popped into her people you may know why OK, first, “fiends” made me laugh SO HARD. That’s one of my favorite typos ever. Yes. Let me get over my giggles and answer your question. I’m going to assume that you accepted her friend request. Otherwise this wouldn’t have happened. Once you friend someone, Facebook assumes you “know” them. And it’s a fair assumption, yeah? You friended them, after all. So they therefore assume you “might” (people you “may” know) know all of her friends, and vice-versa. Do you? Probably not. I mean, who knows all of a friend’s friends? Only weirdos and stalkers, I’d think. I don’t know all of my friend’s friends. I don’t even know all of my DAD’S friends, or whatever. So just ignore the people on that list you don’t know. They’re not hurting you. Unless you hate them. Then I think you can x them out or something so they don’t pop back up. You’re welcome, don’t sweat the small stuff. (Also, “you may know why” makes me laugh, and I DO know why.)       

This made me laugh. I think because of "wanker." Heh.

This made me laugh. I think because of “wanker.” Heh.

how do people you may know block show on fb This is worded oddly so I don’t really know what you’re asking. Did you block someone and they’re still showing up as someone you may know? Or are you wondering, if you block someone, will YOU still show up on THEIR “people you may know” list? I can’t answer either of those questions, to be honest. I don’t know that I’ve ever blocked anyone on Facebook. I’ve not accepted people’s friend requests, but they mostly left me alone after that. And I don’t know if you’ll still show up on someone’s list if you block them from yours. That’s a tough one. Facebook’s a good place for stalkers, I think. You’re welcome, if you’re having a serious issue with something scary, please contact Facebook about it.            

Ooh, look how handy. IT'S A LITTLE INFOGRAPHIC!

Ooh, look how handy. IT’S A LITTLE INFOGRAPHIC!

unfriend me and you spy on me facebook how to stop this Again, worded oddly. Let’s parse this sentence, such as it is. Someone unfriended you…and they’re still spying on you? OK, well, how do you know they’re still spying on you, did a mutual friend tell you, or something? I guess that’s neither here nor there, really. How to stop this. THAT I can answer. Set your whole wall to “friends only.” Then go to your homepage and choose the option where you can “see the page as” and type that spy’s name into the bar. It will show you what that person sees when they visit your page. Then you can individually go through and click whatever elements are left and block those from him/her, as well. The only things that HAVE to show up are your sex and your cover/timeline photos. You have no control over those. If I look at my page as “public” (how any Joe off the street would see it) those are all I see. And a couple of polls I voted in. And my subscriptions, which I don’t care if people see – meh, if people know I like whatever music I like, it’s not going to kill me. I blog about that shit on the regular here anyway and that’s all out in the open. I have everything else hidden because it’s none of anyone’s business. You can also (if you have some nosy friends that you can’t unfriend for some reason) set this so that it looks like this for your friends, too. So if your nosy Aunt Matilda is always reading your updates and telling everyone about them in a weird gossipy way, but if you unfriend her it will cause World War Three at Thanksgiving, you can make it so she can’t see anything you do. She’ll just assume you don’t update anymore. Whee! Unfortunately, if you comment on anything a mutual friend says, your spy friend can see that. I think – but am not sure – if you block her, she can’t see anything you do. It might be worth a shot. Sorry this is happening. People are total assholes sometimes, yeah? You’re welcome, just ignore her – people like that feed from attention like vampires.

And there you have it! Not only QUESTIONS, but FACEBOOK questions! I know, this is really one-stop shopping right here.

Until next month – may all your questions be answered by someone with love in her heart and a very fat unintelligent cat on her lap. No. No, that wasn’t a euphemism. Dumbcat’s sound asleep on me right now. He’s more than ready for me to end this post. He needs PETTING, yo. It’s his BIRTHDAY. He says to tell you he’ll accept crunchy treats and also feathery toys, but leave them at the door, please. If you come in he’d have to hide in the pots and pans cupboard because STRANGER DANGER.

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

25 responses to “Kind-of-Sort-of-Ask-Lucy a.k.a. I CAN ANSWER THAT! (Volume 11)

  • becomingcliche

    Happy birthday, Dumbcat!

    I never could figure out what was wrong with that doll, either. Except she had an uncomfortably grown-up singing voice and was rather creepy.


    • lucysfootball

      Dumbcat thanks you kindly. He is currently sound asleep against my leg. It is his favorite place other than under the tree.

      The doll is not the best of the misfit toys, it’s true. I always wanted the jelly-shooting squirt gun. Very helpful and fun for making sandwiches.


  • sj

    Man, I am SO GLAD that excedrin is coming back! So glad. The fake brands just aren’t the same, and they don’t use the same buffered aspirin, so it hurts my stomach.

    My dad was SO HAPPY when he saw that little bottle of 24 tablets, I can’t even tell you. The WHOLE HOUSE did a little dance.


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    You know that thing about goldfish memory is just a myth right? They probably made it up to make us feel less guilty about keeping goldfish in tiny glass bowls. Most fish have in fact excellent memory and will not only remember but can even learn to associate events with rewards, like Dr. Ivan Pavlov’s dogs.

    And it feels like I’ve told you this once before..


    • lucysfootball

      We have NEVER talked about this. I know I would remember. It’s not TRUE? I’ve believed that for YEARS! Huh! See, Andreas, this is why I need you. Well, among a billion other reasons. You always know all the best things!


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Also, tapeworms don’t feed off your insides, like some kind of endoparasite. They just feed off the food stuff you’ve got in you’re intestines.


  • 35JupiterDrive

    Happy birthday Dumbcat! I am glad you won the adoption lottery and ended up with your human. That was really the birthday present you needed most.

    This post cracked me up. And further convinced me that I have no desire to be on Facebook. (BTW, have you seen the uproar about Zuckerberg’s sister having a private photo go public? SO AWESOME.)


    • lucysfootball

      Awe, Dumbcat is pleased. He purred lovingly. We BOTH won the adoption lottery that day!

      I just read about Zuckerberg’s sister! The funniest part was, the private photo she was all freaked out about was her family looking at cell phones and laughing – I mean, no one wants a private photo to go public, but everyone’s CLOTHES were on, you know? Sheesh, lady-Zuckerberg.


  • elaine4queen

    all the questions!

    sadly, for searchers, my top search terms lately involve forbrydelsnen iv which is NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. it was a TRILOGY, people! and my little effort was about poppet solving a fox murder mystery. i hope they got some comfort there…


  • Heather

    Happy Birthday, Dumbcat!

    You really do get some of the weirdest search terms on your blog. Haha!


    • lucysfootball

      I really do, don’t I? It’s because I blog about such weird things. I probably get what I deserve.

      Dumbcat says thank you! He is currently sitting pretty and waiting for treat time, which is a whole hour from now. He starts sitting pretty for treat time about two hours before it’s actually treat time. He’s very optimistic and not very good at telling time.


  • cm

    Happy Birfday Boy!
    Love, Willow (ok, it’s from me, Willow will still never admit to caring about Him, but we both know she does!)


  • Kris Rudin

    Hope that Dumbcat had an awesome birthday! I think you both one the lottery when you adopted him! Give him a little pat from me!


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