Just utterly crammed with Christmas cheer, just absolutely stuffed

Merry Christmas, my darlings. And joyous Yule. Or whatever you celebrate. Maybe nothing, in which case the happiest of non-secular Tuesdays to you, and I most sincerely hope you get the day off so you can say, “I HAVE THE DAY OFF FOR NO GOOD REASON!” which I think would be kind of awesome, wouldn’t it? You could do whatever you WANT! Perhaps go see Les Miserables!

If I didn’t hate people so much, I’d go see it just for “On My Own,” yes I would.

I’m writing this the day before, as I tend to do. I had a half-day for Christmas Eve; no one was in the office. It was a ghost town. A ghost town of people looking at the clock and was there ever a mad dash for the door at noon – whoo! Most people seemed to want to do things like get to traveling or start baking or something. I needed to go buy toilet paper and milk and was worried the Rite Aid was going to be closed. I wasn’t even going to dare the Target or the grocery store, not on Christmas Eve, no no not THIS woman.

Whoo, look at THIS Rite Aid! Fancy, no?

At the Rite Aid, people were scrambling for last-minute gifts like possibly soap-on-a-rope, I don’t know. I just wanted some toilet paper and some milk. Also some chocolate, because sometimes you need chocolate because you think it’s going to make things all better? (Side note: most of the time it does. Depending on how badly you’ve been hurt. And I suppose how much of it you eat. And just how good the chocolate is.)

So there were a billion people around the cards (listen, I’m sorry, there’s not that one perfect card…it’s what you WRITE in the card that counts. I hate to tell you this NOW, at like the literal 11th hour, but that’s just the truth. You could give a blank card, and write the right thing in it, and it’d be the perfect card. Trust me on this one, ok?) and pawing through the Christmas chocolate and the decorations and Christmas nailpolish and they all had that wild-eyed look in their eyes like MUST GET THINGSSSSS even though the THINGSSSS were THINGSSSSS from the Rite Aid, and not the right things (or even the “rite” things), probably, at all.

It amused me someone online took a photo of the Rite Aid Christmas aisle. Mine was looking…sparser than this today.

So I got my toilet paper (yes, yes, YES, I realize only a dummy runs out of toilet paper on Christmas Eve. And I didn’t run OUT. Don’t be getting mental images of me having to use CATALOGS or something. I just was down to one roll and was worried I might run out tomorrow when nowhere was open to get any more. And THEN it would catalogs, you know? No one wants to be the person trying to use a catalog to clean their nether regions on baby Jesus’s birthday, people.) (SIDE NOTE: I just read that last sentence to my mother and she GASPED IN HORROR and then LAUGHED AND LAUGHED and said “Amy, I know why people read your blog” and I said, “Well, please tell me, I need to know such things, for like RESEARCH or whatever” and she said “Because no one else would ever come up with such things, not anyone ever” and that strangely pleased me, even though I think it was possibly an insult or maybe just the horror, knowing my mom) and some milk because I had a terrible thought, WHAT IF I RAN OUT TOMORROW and I totally wanted a glass of milk. I mean, sure, I haven’t had just a GLASS of milk in like…um…years? But what if I WANTED one. And it was not AVAILABLE to me. Well, that’d be a fine how-do-you-do, now wouldn’t it. And then I was perusing the chocolate selection and it looked like maybe there had been a run on all the chocolate. Why did you people need so much chocolate? Will there be trick-or-treating? What’s that? Stockings? ALL of this for stockings? Huh. I just wanted some chocolate. Preferably some with mintiness involved. ‘CAUSE IT’S CHRISTMASSY DAMMIT. Grumble. (I had to settle for nuts. Nuts are, by the way, not a substitute for mintiness when you have your heart set on mintiness. Nuts are FINE, but not when you wanted MINT, don’t get all “AMY NUTS ARE GOOD.” This is going euphemistic super-fast and that’s not at all what was meant.)

Let’s be honest: this is what I wanted. These things are Christmas crack for me.

So anyway, I was standing at the chocolate area being all “sigh this is not at all what I wanted, stupid Christmas Eve” and this MAN with a PLAN decided was SO IN THE WAY and shoved past me very very vehemently. Which caused all the chocolate on one part of the display to collapse and fall EVERYWHERE. So he stood there looking at it dumbly for a minute then was all “SIGH SIGH” and picked it all up. So, therefore, in his rush to shove past someone who, by the way, was not even in the way? Cost him about twice as long as just nicely walking past someone would have. Nice one, Christmas Carl.

Then forty-billion people drove around my car when it was halfway out of my parking spot. Didn’t wait for me to pull OUT of the parking spot. Just drove on past. One honked. Well. Um. If you’d waited for me to pull out? Then I wouldn’t be in the way? And you could get around me? Because I started pulling out before you even pulled into the parking lot?

Then I came home to a very cuddly cat and a very warm blanket and a very supportive friend and some very delicious Chinese food; these things, combined with the aforementioned chocolate, managed to make the day not as bad as it could have been.

Sorry for the crankyness of this Christmas post. I should be more…um…mistletoey and holly-sprigged? I’ll get right on that. Where’d I leave that mistletoe DUMBCAT PUT THAT DOWN.

Later there will be It’s a Wonderful Life and The Grinch and A Wish for Wings that Work; tomorrow there will be the opening of the gifts (yes, yes, I will try to remember to take some photos for you) and A Christmas Story. Back to work on Wednesday. Lots to do, which is exciting. I like going in and knowing I have things to do. Then right back to normal; theater things and work things and right back to Amyland and then the new year happens. Oh, I’m looking forward to you, new year, and all your shiny newness. Let’s shed this last year like a snakeskin we’ve outgrown, won’t that be nice? Yes. Yes, it will. (Ironically, the interwebs informs me 2013 IS the year of the snake. Appropriate, no?)

I like this crankety-ass frog, yo.

Merry Christmas and Yule and whatever you celebrate, my most favorite favorite ones. Spend the day with your most beloveds and hold ’em real close, ok? Well, I suppose, if you can. Your most beloveds might live in the computer or across the world or whatever, I don’t know your life. Just let them know you love them. Because now’s the time. It’s always the time right now to do that. While they’re there. What, you don’t trust me by now? Trust me on this. Really.

May all good things be yours today. My most fervent wish for each and every one of you today. Even you, Ding Dong Joe. Even you.