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This was meant to be a post about animals but kind of went off the rails.

I have (as usual) very little time to write this but I think it’s very important that we talk about something we have NOT talked about in SOME TIME and that thing is ANIMALS.

Those carnivores would totally eat that flamingo and also maybe that giraffe. What? Just saying.

Those carnivores would totally eat that flamingo and also maybe that giraffe and zebra. What? Just saying.

I know, right? All the animals in the world are probably super-sad I’m not representing them properly. Sorry, animals. I’ve let you down. I feel terrible about this.

First, this is peripherally animal-related: so sometimes if you are a Klout member, you get perks? That’s when they give you random crap. I never get perks. I assume this is because I don’t tweet enough. But a couple weeks ago I got an email that I have Klout in Geico? I know, that’s odd. I don’t know that I’ve ever MENTIONED Geico online. I mean, yes, they’re my insurance carrier – because they’re the cheapest, yo – but I don’t know that I talk about it. I also use them for renter’s insurance. But I don’t talk about that, either. Why? BECAUSE WHY WOULD YOU CARE WHAT INSURANCE CARRIER I USE. I mean, seriously.

SIDE NOTE! Dad hates Geico because he hates this gecko. Why? Don't know. He doesn't like to talk about it.

SIDE NOTE! Dad hates Geico because he hates this gecko. Why? Don’t know. He doesn’t like to talk about it.

So I was all, ok, well, that’s fancy, I have Geico Klout. (I find the new Klout site terrible and I am unable to interact with it and can’t figure out how to give anyone Klout in weird topics anymore so I hate it. Like, back in the day, we could constantly give Ken Klout in things like “Pa, There’s a Goat on the Roof [Game.]” Well! THAT was fun. Or we would give Andreas “typo” Klout and he would say “STOP THAT!” and that was ALSO fun. But now you can’t even SEE what you have Klout in, let alone GIVE people Klout. This is sucktown, Klout.) And THEN Klout was all, we want to send you a GIFT for having Geico Klout! And I said, sweet, I like to get shit in the mail. Wait, no. Not ACTUAL shit. That’d be repulsive.

Then today I got THIS.

Well! This photo doesn’t really do it justice. This thing is like two feet tall and has “Geico” written on its foot. It came in a HUGE BOX. It looked like someone had sent me flowers and I was so excited I had a secret admirer for like 14 seconds until I realized it was from Klout.

(Also, if you zoom in on this photo you can see I have a “Not a Republican” bumper sticker up there on my corkboard o’crap, and that made Dad VERY MAD when he visited. “DID YOU PERHAPS NEED A REMINDER EVERY TIME YOU GO IN THE KITCHEN?” he said in a crankity tone. No, Dad, it just makes me SMILE, ok? Sheesh.)

Everyone on Twitter wanted to know Dumbcat’s reaction to this but I can’t tell you, because he won’t get out from under the tree. He came out for treats, but then he went right back under. That’s his happy place right now. He loves it so much. He doesn’t care much for stuffed animals, though. He ignores them. I don’t know what that’s all about.

Anyway, this has taken up half the post. That’s not all I have to say about animals. I have other things, you know.

SOMEONE HAD SOMETHING EXCITING HAPPEN IN A ZOO YOU GUYS!

At the zoo in Syracuse (I have totally been to Syracuse! I used to have to go there for spelling bees because I was the best speller EVAH. Well, not at all, actually, since I never WON them, but I won the ones in my school that meant I got to go to Syracuse for the fancy one that aired on the television. My fashion sense then was STELLAR. One of the years I had a bowl cut AND a tail that I would braid. Yep. PRETTY. Also, my most favorite cousin and her children live in Syracuse at the moment. Now that I know there’s a zoo, I really should go there and visit them. That is Cousin S., who was one of my best friends growing up and made me laugh until I cried and we had more inside jokes than anyone and I miss her a lot and not too long ago she called me when she’d been drinking to tell me how much she missed me and we hadn’t talked in years and there might have been crying. I love her so much and she is one of my people I would totally stop a marauding cougar with rabies with my bare hands for, no joke. That was a very long parenthetical aside) a woman went to the zoo. And guess what happened?

Ooh, look what's at the Syracuse Zoo? Sleepy adorable lions. I want to go to there!

Ooh, look what’s at the Syracuse Zoo? Sleepy adorable lions. I want to go to there!

SHE HAD A BABY WHILE SHE WAS AT THE ZOOOOOOO!

On a PATH! Not far from the BEARS! And the zookeepers HELPED!

Oh, this is the best. I want to go to the zoo! I don’t know that I want to have my baby in the dirty dirt or anything, but I’d totally want to GO to the zoo. Also, that kid has the best origin story ever. EVER. Like, other kids will be all “I was a week early” or “I was a week late” or “My mom went into labor on a plane” or whatever and that kid will be all “MY MOM HAD ME ON THE DIRT PATH OUTSIDE THE BEAR ENCLOSURE.” He wins every birth story ever. EVER.

"Ew, what is that woman DOING? GROSS."

“Ew, what is that woman DOING? GROSS.”

Also, I think that’s the kind of kid that becomes a superhero, right? Totally is. Like, he’d become THE BEAR or something, and he’d speak for the animals? And when questioned by a well-meaning and probably kind of sexy female-type person, probably the zoo’s veterinarian who is fixing him up after a minor scrape with some baddies who were trying to steal leopards for their fur or some such nefariousness, he’d be all, “No. NO. I can’t tell you.” And she’ll be all, “Please. You can’t keep this bottled up.” With very serious eyes. And he’d tell how he was born in the zoo, and as he was born, he locked eyes with a bear, and suddenly he KNEW THE ANIMALS’ PAIN, or something, and then they would probably do some PG-level kissing. You know. For the fanboys.

And finally: suck it, haters, having pets is GOOD FOR YOU.

I mean, we all knew that having animals does all kinds of good things for you, like lowers your stress and your blood pressure (well, except for when your unintelligent cat almost falls off the balcony) and your cholesterol (although I have to think this is more for dog-owners who get out and walk their dogs, to be honest) and it also lowers your chances of being depressed and lonely. WELL! You know how people are all “can’t have a pet, it’ll make the kids all allergic?”

Aw, look at the FACE!

Aw, look at the FACE!

NO NO CHARLIE! Kids are now PROVEN to have a 50% less of a risk of suffering from allergies if they live in a pet-owning household. FIFTY PERCENT! You need to get your kiddos a cat or a dog, yo! Or maybe a lizard or some fish, even. I don’t even care. I think every household should have a pet. Even the Lucy’s Football household had animals growing up. We had a fat black cat who looked like a basketball on legs and we had a billion beagles. Nope. Totally serious. Dad raised beagles and sold ’em for hunting dogs for most of my childhood. Which was sad, because they’d eventually be sold, but was HAPPY because when there were puppies, you could let them all out of the pen and then you could roll around on the grass in a pile of puppies and they would lick you and make little puppy-happy noises and if you’ve never been in spring grass with like ten beagle puppies, I’d like to tell you right now there’s a possibility you’ve missed out on one of the best things life has to offer, my friends.

ALL THE BEAGLES!!!

ALL THE BEAGLES!!!

Man, I miss having a dog. Someday someday.

Apparently, the way the animals stop your kiddos from having allergies is from licking them. When your pet licks your kid, their body produces something (Andreas probably knows) that makes the immune system protect against allergies. I like that. That’s animals HELPING us, yo. That makes me happy. (I’m totally one of those people that lets dogs lick their face. I’m not even ashamed of it.)

ALSO, kids with pets have higher self-esteem. HIGHER SELF-ESTEEM! Well, what does Amy love? Kids with high self-esteem. This article says “Kids gain confidence when they have another creature to love who loves them back.” WELL! Who DOESN’T? I like that very much.

Please get your kid a pet. Plus, bonus, YOU CAN PLAY WITH IT TOO.

OK, it’s late and last night I forgot to go to bed. Shh, don’t yell at me, I already know I’m an asshole. THERE. A post about ANIMALS. Sort of. In a weird peripheral way. Happy Wednesday, jellybeans!

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

30 responses to “This was meant to be a post about animals but kind of went off the rails.

  • sj

    I am SO JEALOUS about your giant stuffed gecko. ALL THE JEALOUSY!

    I laughed SO HARD at “That was a very long parenthetical aside.” So hard. Still giggling.

    Ugh, I can’t even imagine giving birth at the zoo. Can’t even. Maybe Heather can? She knows about these things, working at a zoo and having had her babies at birthing centers and whatnot.

    ABOUT HAVING PETS.

    So, I told you about The Lord, our first kitty when husband and I were newly married. Husband was on his way home from work one night, and he saw these teeny tiny little eyes reflecting in the headlights between the lines in the middle of the road, so he pulled over to see what was stranded.

    He came home and knocked (which I thought was THE MOST WEIRD) and when I answered the door, he was cuddling this itty bitty kitty and said that he’d found him and couldn’t just LEAVE HIM in the middle of the road. This kitty was so tiny that I had to feed him kitty formula with an eyedropper cos he only had his little milk teeth and couldn’t eat real food yet.

    I was 7 or 8 months pregnant with oldest child, and The Lord would fall asleep on my belly, then oldest child would kick and kitty would go flying! Then he’d come back over and sniff around my belly before settling back down…and it would happen over and over again.

    Anyway. The time came for oldest child to be born, and IMMEDIATELY when I came home from the hospital, he hopped up on my lap and was VERY CONFUSED that his giant pillow had disappeared. Then he looked at my belly, and looked over at the crib, then back at my belly and gave a little kitty shrug as if to say “Oh, so THAT’S what that is.”

    He was SO GOOD with oldest child. The baby would be crawling around on the floor and he’d go over to the kitty and pet nicely (but rough, cos babies pet rough), but then he’d pull his tail or something and I kept expecting a scratch (let kids learn that they need to be nice to animals by getting scratched, that’s what I say), but none ever came. He was the most tolerant kitty ever.

    AND THEN there was the time (WARNING, THIS STORY IS A LITTLE GROSS) that husband was changing a stinky diaper, but wasn’t paying all the attention and a tiny bit of poop rolled out onto the floor, which husband then STEPPED IN and tracked it ACROSS THE CARPET. As I was laughing and getting stuff to clean it up, The Lord ran over, sniffed it and backed up for a second before going BACK OVER to scratch at the carpet like it was his litter box. “Clean this shit up! Don’t you know you need to cover it?!”

    And then I might have come close to dying laughing. He was SO CONCERNED about his carpet being stinky.

    Jesus, I just wrote a blog post in your comments.

    Then End.

    [jazz hands]

    Like

  • Samantha

    I want a beagle so badly. Beagle puppies in the grass = Amazing.

    Like

  • elaine4queen

    i have NO IDEA why it took me so long to get a dog.

    plus, i would have LOVED having an animal when i was a kid.

    Like

  • Heather

    Three cheers for big news from Syracuse! Haha!

    Like

  • lynnettedobberpuhl

    Before kids, I rescued a tiny black kitten from the streets of Detroit where we lived (it was actually a suburb, but Detroit sounds better, or worse.) It hid behind our refrigerator for a week before deciding to give us a try. We were considering naming him Otis or Milo, but he had a habit of leaving his bright pink tongue hanging really far out after a bathing session which made him look like a cartoon of a stupid cat, so the name Stupid stuck. We loved that cat. His name became awkward when 1) he fell (or was pushed by the younger cat, this was never determined) off our third floor deck into a wooded ravine and we were out in the ravine for HOURS calling “Here Stupid!” “Stupid, where are you?” and crying because we thought he was dead and laughing because we sounded like idiots and it was our own fault for naming him Stupid. We finally found him. He was fine, Not a scratch on him although he probably did lose one or more of his nine lives that day. and 2) when my oldest entered kindergarten and obsessively told stories and drew pictures of Stupid, which was NOT AN OKAY WORD in kindergarten. This was very confusing to my son. To him Stupid was AWESOME; what was everyone’s problem? Stupid is gone now, and Joe has taken his place in the litter box and my son’s heart. My son’s love for the cat is proof to me that he is an empathic and sensitive fully formed human being despite all evidence to the contrary. I support pet ownership.

    Also, there is something wrong with the stuffed gecko’s proportions. Are his hands and feet too big? Disturbing.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Aw, Stupid! I love that story. That’s a great story.

      And yes, his hands and feet are pretty big. And he’s cheap like a prize at the carnival. But, FREE! So I’m ok with it, I guess. Because, FREE!

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Sorry, meant to comment on this post yesterday, but got distracted by all the sleeping I was doing in the evening.

    That is one cool gecko. I love geckos, even though they are VERY LOUD and will keep you from sleeping when you’re spending your first night in a tropical country. In the dark.

    Re the dog saliva: I don’t know the particulars, but our immune system usually works better when exposed to non-lethal pathogens. It is now believed that the rise in allergies in the western world is at least partly because our kids grow up in too clean an environment.

    On the other hand, dog saliva is very clean – at least compared to human saliva – and it’s full of antibodies and/or antibiotics (I forget which, and I’m too lazy to look it up). So perhaps it’s not the saliva after all.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I’m about to do all the sleeping myself. Did you somehow get me sick internetually?

      Geckos are loud? What do they sound like, I wonder? Frogs?

      See, the kids I grew up with must be SO HEALTHY. We were filthy. ALL THE TIME. Our parents believed very strongly in letting kids be kids. (Also, there’s a saying up there, about not worrying too much about your kids: “They gotta eat a peck of dirt before they die.” A whole PECK! A whole PECK of dirt!)

      Like

      • Andreas Heinakroon

        “A peck of dirt”. Awesome. We have a similar saying in Swedish but as often is the case, a bit cruder: “Lite skit rensar magen.” which translates to “A little dirt will clean your tummy”, as in eating a little dirt won’t hurt you and may actually be beneficial. Only we use the word “shit” for “dirt”. We could have used the word “smuts”, but no. Let everyone think we’re coprophages instead. Swedes are nothing but simple peasants, after all. We might not always look it, but we’re very crude.

        Like

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