I have (as usual) very little time to write this but I think it’s very important that we talk about something we have NOT talked about in SOME TIME and that thing is ANIMALS.
I know, right? All the animals in the world are probably super-sad I’m not representing them properly. Sorry, animals. I’ve let you down. I feel terrible about this.
First, this is peripherally animal-related: so sometimes if you are a Klout member, you get perks? That’s when they give you random crap. I never get perks. I assume this is because I don’t tweet enough. But a couple weeks ago I got an email that I have Klout in Geico? I know, that’s odd. I don’t know that I’ve ever MENTIONED Geico online. I mean, yes, they’re my insurance carrier – because they’re the cheapest, yo – but I don’t know that I talk about it. I also use them for renter’s insurance. But I don’t talk about that, either. Why? BECAUSE WHY WOULD YOU CARE WHAT INSURANCE CARRIER I USE. I mean, seriously.
So I was all, ok, well, that’s fancy, I have Geico Klout. (I find the new Klout site terrible and I am unable to interact with it and can’t figure out how to give anyone Klout in weird topics anymore so I hate it. Like, back in the day, we could constantly give Ken Klout in things like “Pa, There’s a Goat on the Roof [Game.]” Well! THAT was fun. Or we would give Andreas “typo” Klout and he would say “STOP THAT!” and that was ALSO fun. But now you can’t even SEE what you have Klout in, let alone GIVE people Klout. This is sucktown, Klout.) And THEN Klout was all, we want to send you a GIFT for having Geico Klout! And I said, sweet, I like to get shit in the mail. Wait, no. Not ACTUAL shit. That’d be repulsive.
Then today I got THIS.
Well! This photo doesn’t really do it justice. This thing is like two feet tall and has “Geico” written on its foot. It came in a HUGE BOX. It looked like someone had sent me flowers and I was so excited I had a secret admirer for like 14 seconds until I realized it was from Klout.
(Also, if you zoom in on this photo you can see I have a “Not a Republican” bumper sticker up there on my corkboard o’crap, and that made Dad VERY MAD when he visited. “DID YOU PERHAPS NEED A REMINDER EVERY TIME YOU GO IN THE KITCHEN?” he said in a crankity tone. No, Dad, it just makes me SMILE, ok? Sheesh.)
Everyone on Twitter wanted to know Dumbcat’s reaction to this but I can’t tell you, because he won’t get out from under the tree. He came out for treats, but then he went right back under. That’s his happy place right now. He loves it so much. He doesn’t care much for stuffed animals, though. He ignores them. I don’t know what that’s all about.
Anyway, this has taken up half the post. That’s not all I have to say about animals. I have other things, you know.
SOMEONE HAD SOMETHING EXCITING HAPPEN IN A ZOO YOU GUYS!
At the zoo in Syracuse (I have totally been to Syracuse! I used to have to go there for spelling bees because I was the best speller EVAH. Well, not at all, actually, since I never WON them, but I won the ones in my school that meant I got to go to Syracuse for the fancy one that aired on the television. My fashion sense then was STELLAR. One of the years I had a bowl cut AND a tail that I would braid. Yep. PRETTY. Also, my most favorite cousin and her children live in Syracuse at the moment. Now that I know there’s a zoo, I really should go there and visit them. That is Cousin S., who was one of my best friends growing up and made me laugh until I cried and we had more inside jokes than anyone and I miss her a lot and not too long ago she called me when she’d been drinking to tell me how much she missed me and we hadn’t talked in years and there might have been crying. I love her so much and she is one of my people I would totally stop a marauding cougar with rabies with my bare hands for, no joke. That was a very long parenthetical aside) a woman went to the zoo. And guess what happened?
On a PATH! Not far from the BEARS! And the zookeepers HELPED!
Oh, this is the best. I want to go to the zoo! I don’t know that I want to have my baby in the dirty dirt or anything, but I’d totally want to GO to the zoo. Also, that kid has the best origin story ever. EVER. Like, other kids will be all “I was a week early” or “I was a week late” or “My mom went into labor on a plane” or whatever and that kid will be all “MY MOM HAD ME ON THE DIRT PATH OUTSIDE THE BEAR ENCLOSURE.” He wins every birth story ever. EVER.
Also, I think that’s the kind of kid that becomes a superhero, right? Totally is. Like, he’d become THE BEAR or something, and he’d speak for the animals? And when questioned by a well-meaning and probably kind of sexy female-type person, probably the zoo’s veterinarian who is fixing him up after a minor scrape with some baddies who were trying to steal leopards for their fur or some such nefariousness, he’d be all, “No. NO. I can’t tell you.” And she’ll be all, “Please. You can’t keep this bottled up.” With very serious eyes. And he’d tell how he was born in the zoo, and as he was born, he locked eyes with a bear, and suddenly he KNEW THE ANIMALS’ PAIN, or something, and then they would probably do some PG-level kissing. You know. For the fanboys.
I mean, we all knew that having animals does all kinds of good things for you, like lowers your stress and your blood pressure (well, except for when your unintelligent cat almost falls off the balcony) and your cholesterol (although I have to think this is more for dog-owners who get out and walk their dogs, to be honest) and it also lowers your chances of being depressed and lonely. WELL! You know how people are all “can’t have a pet, it’ll make the kids all allergic?”
NO NO CHARLIE! Kids are now PROVEN to have a 50% less of a risk of suffering from allergies if they live in a pet-owning household. FIFTY PERCENT! You need to get your kiddos a cat or a dog, yo! Or maybe a lizard or some fish, even. I don’t even care. I think every household should have a pet. Even the Lucy’s Football household had animals growing up. We had a fat black cat who looked like a basketball on legs and we had a billion beagles. Nope. Totally serious. Dad raised beagles and sold ’em for hunting dogs for most of my childhood. Which was sad, because they’d eventually be sold, but was HAPPY because when there were puppies, you could let them all out of the pen and then you could roll around on the grass in a pile of puppies and they would lick you and make little puppy-happy noises and if you’ve never been in spring grass with like ten beagle puppies, I’d like to tell you right now there’s a possibility you’ve missed out on one of the best things life has to offer, my friends.
Man, I miss having a dog. Someday someday.
Apparently, the way the animals stop your kiddos from having allergies is from licking them. When your pet licks your kid, their body produces something (Andreas probably knows) that makes the immune system protect against allergies. I like that. That’s animals HELPING us, yo. That makes me happy. (I’m totally one of those people that lets dogs lick their face. I’m not even ashamed of it.)
ALSO, kids with pets have higher self-esteem. HIGHER SELF-ESTEEM! Well, what does Amy love? Kids with high self-esteem. This article says “Kids gain confidence when they have another creature to love who loves them back.” WELL! Who DOESN’T? I like that very much.
Please get your kid a pet. Plus, bonus, YOU CAN PLAY WITH IT TOO.
OK, it’s late and last night I forgot to go to bed. Shh, don’t yell at me, I already know I’m an asshole. THERE. A post about ANIMALS. Sort of. In a weird peripheral way. Happy Wednesday, jellybeans!