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How to get all the blog followers. Except maybe not the type you’d want, exactly.

Today friend A. had a BRILLIANT idea about how to get ALL THE BLOG READERS.

ALL THE READERS! All of 'em!

ALL THE READERS! All of ’em!

He is kind of fascinated by this blog thing. People who don’t blog (and who don’t live on the internet) find this whole thing kind of fascinating.

Here are things that confuse non-internetty people:

  • “You have friends you’ve never met? That you’ve only met online? How do you know they’re real people and not serial killers who live in their mom’s basement?”
  • “You write stuff for free every day online and people you don’t know read it? And then comment on it? How did you make that happen?”
  • “You have HOW MANY Twitter followers? Do you actually TALK to them? What do you SAY on Twitter?”

I can answer these questions, non-internetty-people. I can totally do that.

Yes. I have friends online I have NEVER ACTUALLY MET IN REAL LIVE PERSON. And here’s a secret: there are a few of them I feel closer to (and that I talk to) more than the people I see and can actually touch, if I’m so inclined, in really real life. And someday, I’ll meet them in real life; I’m quite sure of that. I have plans and schemes. Also, if you’re meant to meet someone, you will. It’s the way of the world. And I was thinking the other day: even if I never meet some of my people, I’d rather know them online only than to have never met them at all.

As for whether or not they’re serial killers who live in their mom’s basement: well, I guess I can’t be ONE HUNDRED PERCENT sure they’re not. But if they are, they’re really, really, REALLY good at covering it up and at continuity of their cover story. My nearest and dearest internet people are also my Facebook people, and if they’ve also made up a whole life for themselves, Catfish-style, with ever-evolving photos of their children growing up and places they’ve gone and things they’ve done and friends they’re talking to, plus are able to keep up this really impressive charade in daily emails…all while serial-killing…all I have to say to that is, I’m super-impressed. They’re really crafty. And multi-tasky, apparently. So if that’s the case, I guess they’re really intelligent? I’ve chosen a really high-caliber group of serial killers to hang around with.

WHAT SHOULD I DO? Hike on outta there, kiddo. That guy is a creepster from creepytown.

WHAT SHOULD I DO? Hike on outta there, kiddo. That guy is a creepster from creepytown.

I know. I know it’s confusing for non-internetty people to fathom how you could become friends with a stranger you met online. I get it. I USED TO BE ONE OF YOU, NON-INTERNETTY PEOPLE. Not that long ago, actually. I used to think like that. Meeting people online was where you got into trouble and ended up the topic of a Lifetime movie. But it’s really not. As long as you’re careful? You can totally meet the best people. I promise. I know, because I have. And I promise they’ll be careful with me and take care of me, my nervous real-life friends. They keep me sane and make me laugh and they love me so ferociously every single day. Really. Sincerely. They’re amazing.

As for how you blog…well, you write. You don’t have to be as insane about it as I am, jellybeans. You can post once a week or once a month or whatever works for you, I don’t care. And as for how you get people to read it – same as you do anything else. You network. You tell people about it. You read other people’s blogs and you comment and you make sure you link your blog up with your user name so if your comment was good (don’t make stupid comments, I guess would be another tip) the person who writes that blog will want to click on your blog and maybe read what you have to say. What do you write about? Eh, I don’t know. Stuff you like. Stuff you don’t. If you have a thing you’re into, talk about that. Maybe you’re really into collecting rare coins. Well, talk about that, then. I mean, I’m not going to read it, but someone might be into that. A LOT of people might be into that.

Just write. And write well. And people will come, Ray. People will come. And some of those people will stay. Because they dig what you do, and because you strike a chord with them, I guess. Just like you have your favorite blogs you keep going back to, your blog will be one of theirs THEY keep coming back to.

None of this happens overnight, non-internetty people. You’re not going to make a million dollars overnight and you’re not going to get all the blog followers overnight. All good things take work. A lot of work. And blood and sweat and tears. Things that fall into your lap are nice, but they don’t happen very often, and if you bet on them happening, you’re going to get your heart broken.

And Twitter? No. I don’t talk to ALL of those people. Well, I suppose when I send a general Tweet out, I do, but very few people see that, most likely. And I’m not on Twitter as much as I used to be; work doesn’t allow it, and plus I have a million things going on now that I didn’t when I joined, so I just don’t have the time for it that I used to. I’m there infrequently at best. Which makes me sad. I miss it. But if I was on it more, I wouldn’t have time to eat or sleep or something else I’ve shoehorned into my schedule, so probably it’s best that I keep things at the even keel they’re at now, right? Right.

And what do you say? Well, whatever you want, I guess. Funny stuff usually goes over best. If you want to get all emo, you can, but that usually goes over like a lead balloon. (Or gets you a bunch of “ZOMG ARE YOU OK?” responses, and I guess those might make YOU feel better, but they make me feel so much worse. That’s because I’m broken inside like a cheap dollar-store lamp.) You can just talk to people. You can make wacky observations. You can retweet other people’s awesome tweets. I don’t know. You just talk to people, you know? It’s social media. Do your thing, Hippie Jones.

And sometimes things like this happen? And they're most sincerely the best, I can't emphasize enough.

And sometimes things like this happen? And they’re most sincerely the best, I can’t emphasize enough.

ANYWAY. So, Friend A. read my blog a while back when I ranted and raved about the person that hit my car outside the theater (he was in the show that was going on when it happened.) He thought that was just the best thing. He mentions that every once and a while. “Remember that time you wrote a WHOLE BLOG about your CAR getting hit?” “I do,” I reply. “I’ve written ten months of blogs since then, too. Stop on by, say hello.”

So today at work he was reminiscing about that one time I wrote a really funny blog post about my car getting hit outside the theater and he started asking some very probing questions about the ways and means of blogs.

“So you write there every day?”

“Yes. Every day.”

“About what?”

“Whatever. It’s not like there’s a list of topics. Whatever I feel like, I guess.”

“And people read it. STRANGERS! Strangers read that.”

“Yep. All the strangers. Every last one of ’em.”

This just fascinated friend A.

“Is there blog sex?” Friend A. then asked.

“Um. I don’t…blog sex? What would that be exactly?”

When I Googled "blog sex" this happened so that's alright, then.

When I Googled “blog sex” this happened so that’s alright, then.

“Like cybersex? Only with blogs?”

“Would that be someone having sex with someone they MET through a blog, or a whole blog about sex?”

“Oh, a whole blog about sex, I think.”

“Yes. Then I think there is blog sex. It’s called porn, and I hear it’s what the internet is made for.”

“YOU SHOULD RENAME YOUR BLOG ‘BLOG SEX.’ Then EVERYONE would read it! Everyone! It would be the most popular thing on the internet!”

“Yes. Until they read it and realized it’s got little-to-no actual sex content.”

“Oh. Yeah. Well, I guess you’re going to have to talk more about sex, then.”

“I think I’m good, A. I think I’ll stick with what I’ve got. That’s a very good idea, though. You let me know if you decide you want to start blogging. I have an acquaintance named Ding Dong Joe I think would be very interested in your blog idea.”

Don’t you steal A.’s blog title and idea, Ding Dong Joe. That’s all his. I’ve got my eye on you.

Ew. PUT THAT AWAY DING DONG JOE. Seriously, I think you have a problem.

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

41 responses to “How to get all the blog followers. Except maybe not the type you’d want, exactly.

  • Words for Worms

    My husband is confused by the blog universe as well. He claimed he was going to start up a blog called “Blog-A-Doodle-Doo: Because My Wife Has One.” I kind of think he should. It would be full of terrible jokes about how much he loves Alan Rickman. I would read that blog. I guess it’s a good thing I married my husband.

    Like

  • Charleen

    I got WAY too excited at that Field of Dreams reference. I finally watched it a couple weeks ago after people telling me ever since I moved to Iowa two years ago that I HAD to see it. (I guess they probably would have said that before too, it just never came up until I moved to Iowa.)

    For what it’s worth, all those people were right. It was very good. Not a new favorite, I don’t think, but good.

    I’ve been toying with the idea of starting a book blog, maybe I should try working “sex” into the title. Not “Blog Sex” obviously; that one’s spoken for. Hmm, I’ll have to think on this.

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    I retweeted the link to this post before reading it on the off-chance that it would be awesome. And it was, so I totally won. Your secret internet-basement-killer.

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    P.S. that white cat means some serious business.

    Like

  • Em

    Okay, first, I think I’m the other lamp in the pair of lamps.

    Second, your in America! You R! Its internet! It S! lololol (Okay, I realize lame. Lame makes me laugh.)

    Third, I totally had a creepster from creepville do that when I was a kid. And I ran inside. And my mother came out with a frying pan and wearing that look like the one Debbie Reynolds wore in In and Out when the minister asked if there were any objections to the wedding. Right before Kevin Kline let all sorts of cats out of the bag.

    Fourth, you squeezed a cat in to this post! Brava! Do your non-internetty peeps get the cat thing?

    Fifth, erotica makes all the money. But then you get the creepsters. It’s a pretty massive trade there.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      We can be a matching pair of broken dollar-store lamps. I’ll hang out with you.

      No, my internet people probably don’t understand that the internet is for both porn and cats. I think they think it’s for Facebook and email, sadly.

      I’d write the worst erotica. I’d keep having my people say ZOMG and then put in words like “tumescent” and “turgid member” just to make people laugh.

      Like

      • sunraeny

        that’s a 10 things I hate about you shout out isn’t it?????? quick story on that movie! i used to work at the movie theater and was there when that movie came out. a dad had brought a couple of his kids to see it and came storming out about 10 minutes in, demanding his money back! because the teacher was writing PORN!!! he was APPALLED! he doesn’t know what he missed out on!!

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          Ha! People are SO WEIRD at movies. A friend worked at a theater once and someone wanted their money back because March of the Penguins wasn’t a cartoon. And they didn’t ask for a refund until it was over. Um. You didn’t realize it wasn’t a cartoon in the first few minutes?

          Like

  • mylifeisthebestlife

    Oh Ding Dong Joe…he’s crafty!

    Like

  • becomingcliche

    We don’t know for sure that any of the people we meet in real life aren’t serial killers, either. I am pretty sure that I am not one, although I did throw a box of stale cocoa bites away, so I might be a cereal killer. I do feel remorse, if that helps.I hate to waste food.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      TRUE. I have met some shadytown characters in real life that I think probably are more serial-killery than my online people.

      Aw, cocoa bites! I don’t like them fresh, so I’d think stale they’d be the grossest. Good call!

      Like

  • sj

    I would totally read Lucy’s Football’s Sex Blog. Just sayin’.

    Like

  • elaine4queen

    It’s all true. It happened to me. Back in the day, on citynoise.org we kept having people find us using the search term ‘sixy’. Because I thought it was funny I used it in a title for a post and this is what happened;

    This article has been viewed 46633 times in the last 8 years

    That is FORTYSIX THOUSAND and six hundred and thirty three times. That’s a lot of misspelled sexy.

    Here’s the post; http://citynoise.org/article/1032

    Like

  • lahikmajoe

    No matter how hard you try, you cannot keep Ding Dong Joe down. He will not be suppressed. Or if you suppress him, you’ve got to keep suppressing him. Until he’s been satisfied.

    You know Ding Dong Joe reads every single blogpost, right? He tells me he hopes you finally get to the erotica to which you’ve been alluding.

    He’s both hot and bothered.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Dear Ding Dong Joe:

      You’re a very bad influence on Ken. When I first met him, he was never naughty. Now he euphemizes ALL THE TIME.

      Also, I refuse to bow to your demands of erotica. Mostly because I’d be terrible at it and it would give me the giggles.

      Stop being hot and bothered. Perhaps you need to see a doctor about that. You might have a medical condition of some sort. Or get one of those little fans they sell at Target.

      Or whatever the German version of Target is, I don’t know your life.

      Most sincerely yours, Amy (who had no idea when she was creating you, she was creating a monster with a sexual addiction)

      Like

  • RebeccaScaglione

    That is hilarious!

    And my sister was visiting this weekend and we stopped by a place I had blogged about, and both my sister and husband said, Wow! This place is beautiful. And I was like, you really don’t read my blog, do you?

    Oy!

    Like

  • sunraeny

    wait, the internet is for more than facebook??????

    Like

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