Today friend A. had a BRILLIANT idea about how to get ALL THE BLOG READERS.
He is kind of fascinated by this blog thing. People who don’t blog (and who don’t live on the internet) find this whole thing kind of fascinating.
Here are things that confuse non-internetty people:
- “You have friends you’ve never met? That you’ve only met online? How do you know they’re real people and not serial killers who live in their mom’s basement?”
- “You write stuff for free every day online and people you don’t know read it? And then comment on it? How did you make that happen?”
- “You have HOW MANY Twitter followers? Do you actually TALK to them? What do you SAY on Twitter?”
I can answer these questions, non-internetty-people. I can totally do that.
Yes. I have friends online I have NEVER ACTUALLY MET IN REAL LIVE PERSON. And here’s a secret: there are a few of them I feel closer to (and that I talk to) more than the people I see and can actually touch, if I’m so inclined, in really real life. And someday, I’ll meet them in real life; I’m quite sure of that. I have plans and schemes. Also, if you’re meant to meet someone, you will. It’s the way of the world. And I was thinking the other day: even if I never meet some of my people, I’d rather know them online only than to have never met them at all.
As for whether or not they’re serial killers who live in their mom’s basement: well, I guess I can’t be ONE HUNDRED PERCENT sure they’re not. But if they are, they’re really, really, REALLY good at covering it up and at continuity of their cover story. My nearest and dearest internet people are also my Facebook people, and if they’ve also made up a whole life for themselves, Catfish-style, with ever-evolving photos of their children growing up and places they’ve gone and things they’ve done and friends they’re talking to, plus are able to keep up this really impressive charade in daily emails…all while serial-killing…all I have to say to that is, I’m super-impressed. They’re really crafty. And multi-tasky, apparently. So if that’s the case, I guess they’re really intelligent? I’ve chosen a really high-caliber group of serial killers to hang around with.
I know. I know it’s confusing for non-internetty people to fathom how you could become friends with a stranger you met online. I get it. I USED TO BE ONE OF YOU, NON-INTERNETTY PEOPLE. Not that long ago, actually. I used to think like that. Meeting people online was where you got into trouble and ended up the topic of a Lifetime movie. But it’s really not. As long as you’re careful? You can totally meet the best people. I promise. I know, because I have. And I promise they’ll be careful with me and take care of me, my nervous real-life friends. They keep me sane and make me laugh and they love me so ferociously every single day. Really. Sincerely. They’re amazing.
As for how you blog…well, you write. You don’t have to be as insane about it as I am, jellybeans. You can post once a week or once a month or whatever works for you, I don’t care. And as for how you get people to read it – same as you do anything else. You network. You tell people about it. You read other people’s blogs and you comment and you make sure you link your blog up with your user name so if your comment was good (don’t make stupid comments, I guess would be another tip) the person who writes that blog will want to click on your blog and maybe read what you have to say. What do you write about? Eh, I don’t know. Stuff you like. Stuff you don’t. If you have a thing you’re into, talk about that. Maybe you’re really into collecting rare coins. Well, talk about that, then. I mean, I’m not going to read it, but someone might be into that. A LOT of people might be into that.
Just write. And write well. And people will come, Ray. People will come. And some of those people will stay. Because they dig what you do, and because you strike a chord with them, I guess. Just like you have your favorite blogs you keep going back to, your blog will be one of theirs THEY keep coming back to.
None of this happens overnight, non-internetty people. You’re not going to make a million dollars overnight and you’re not going to get all the blog followers overnight. All good things take work. A lot of work. And blood and sweat and tears. Things that fall into your lap are nice, but they don’t happen very often, and if you bet on them happening, you’re going to get your heart broken.
And Twitter? No. I don’t talk to ALL of those people. Well, I suppose when I send a general Tweet out, I do, but very few people see that, most likely. And I’m not on Twitter as much as I used to be; work doesn’t allow it, and plus I have a million things going on now that I didn’t when I joined, so I just don’t have the time for it that I used to. I’m there infrequently at best. Which makes me sad. I miss it. But if I was on it more, I wouldn’t have time to eat or sleep or something else I’ve shoehorned into my schedule, so probably it’s best that I keep things at the even keel they’re at now, right? Right.
And what do you say? Well, whatever you want, I guess. Funny stuff usually goes over best. If you want to get all emo, you can, but that usually goes over like a lead balloon. (Or gets you a bunch of “ZOMG ARE YOU OK?” responses, and I guess those might make YOU feel better, but they make me feel so much worse. That’s because I’m broken inside like a cheap dollar-store lamp.) You can just talk to people. You can make wacky observations. You can retweet other people’s awesome tweets. I don’t know. You just talk to people, you know? It’s social media. Do your thing, Hippie Jones.
ANYWAY. So, Friend A. read my blog a while back when I ranted and raved about the person that hit my car outside the theater (he was in the show that was going on when it happened.) He thought that was just the best thing. He mentions that every once and a while. “Remember that time you wrote a WHOLE BLOG about your CAR getting hit?” “I do,” I reply. “I’ve written ten months of blogs since then, too. Stop on by, say hello.”
So today at work he was reminiscing about that one time I wrote a really funny blog post about my car getting hit outside the theater and he started asking some very probing questions about the ways and means of blogs.
“So you write there every day?”
“Yes. Every day.”
“Whatever. It’s not like there’s a list of topics. Whatever I feel like, I guess.”
“And people read it. STRANGERS! Strangers read that.”
“Yep. All the strangers. Every last one of ’em.”
This just fascinated friend A.
“Is there blog sex?” Friend A. then asked.
“Um. I don’t…blog sex? What would that be exactly?”
“Like cybersex? Only with blogs?”
“Would that be someone having sex with someone they MET through a blog, or a whole blog about sex?”
“Oh, a whole blog about sex, I think.”
“Yes. Then I think there is blog sex. It’s called porn, and I hear it’s what the internet is made for.”
“YOU SHOULD RENAME YOUR BLOG ‘BLOG SEX.’ Then EVERYONE would read it! Everyone! It would be the most popular thing on the internet!”
“Yes. Until they read it and realized it’s got little-to-no actual sex content.”
“Oh. Yeah. Well, I guess you’re going to have to talk more about sex, then.”
“I think I’m good, A. I think I’ll stick with what I’ve got. That’s a very good idea, though. You let me know if you decide you want to start blogging. I have an acquaintance named Ding Dong Joe I think would be very interested in your blog idea.”
Don’t you steal A.’s blog title and idea, Ding Dong Joe. That’s all his. I’ve got my eye on you.
Ew. PUT THAT AWAY DING DONG JOE. Seriously, I think you have a problem.