Preparing for the apocalypse with snack cakes and disco balls.

We were talking about the end of the world at work the other day. You know. As you do.

Apparently, the Mayan end-of-the-world is December 21. I don’t know the details. Something about the Mayan calendar ending or something? I read a bunch of things and they were confusing. Something about some sort of period ending? And some people are all DOOM AND GLOOOOOM! and some people are all, um, yeah, that’s not how this works at all, people, you’re being weirdos. But you tell people the end of the world is nigh and people start freaking the hell OUT, yo. (And it’s not even about zombies! I know. Hard to fathom.)

Apparently this thing predicts our DOOOOOM. It looks like a prop from a Nicholas Cage movie.

Apparently this thing predicts our DOOOOOM. It looks like a prop from a Nicholas Cage movie.

Mostly I think the end of the world is hokum. I think we’re all going to have an end of the world; it’ll happen at different times for all of us. Some of our worlds will end with heart attacks and some with cancer and some with accidents and some with, I don’t know, falling into the sea from a cliff or something, there’s always someone who does something like that, right?

Whoa.....splash.

Whoa…..splash.

BUT, just in CASE the end of the world’s happening in less than two weeks, we totally have to be PREPARED. I worry about you, my little jelly beans. What if I poo-poohed the Mayan apocalypse and then it happened and you were all beset upon my locusts or something? I’d feel just utterly TERRIBLE. Well, in-between hiding from those locusts, I suppose. In-between that I’d feel terrible.

LOCUSTS!!!

LOCUSTS!!!

So I totally researched the things you need to do to be prepared for the (potential) upcoming apocalypse. So you don’t fall prey to the locusts. (If the horsemen come, I can’t help you, though. They’re total badasses.)

THINGS YOU NEED TO DO IN ORDER TO BE READY FOR THE UPCOMING APOCALYPSE (OR MAYBE NOT-CALYPSE)

According to this website, which I think we can all agree looks quite sciency in a not-at-all sciency way, we need to do the following:

  1. Get together a group.
    One...two...three...PROCREATE!

    One…two…three…PROCREATE!

    Apparently your group needs to be about 25 people, and with your group you need to repopulate the earth. Oh. Um. Well, I think that’s how you need to phrase it. You should walk up to your friends and say, “Listen. The world’s ending in a little over a week and a half, so I’m trying to get a group together. We’re going to need to have a lot of sex. You’re cool with that, right? Us having a lot of sex, platonic-friend-up-until-now?” That won’t creep your friends out at all that you want to use them as brood mares. Neat! So start making a list of people you want to spend the rest of the end of the world with and/or bone and/or procreate with. (You also can’t bring along family members, obviously, because no one wants to have sex with their siblings. So see ya later, bro, you can’t come. Get out of my apocalypse shelter.)

  2. Plan.
    "Bob, you're in charge of the sex swing, and Jenny, you're in charge of the baking. We cool? Good, good."

    “Bob, you’re in charge of the sex swing, and Jenny, you’re in charge of the baking. We cool? Good, good.”

    Get together your orgy group and talk about the apocalypse. I’m sorry I left this for so late. You don’t have a lot of time to do any of these things. I guess talk quickly. This also says to elect a club president and treasurer and such. You know the president’s going to get the most sex, so choose wisely.

  3. Find a place for your new civilization to begin.
    I choose here. Look! Pretty!

    I choose here. Look! Pretty!

    Claim a plot! Make it be in the middle of nowhere (because of other people who are NOT in your sex-orgy group, and also probably looters.) Get a map, so you can find it once the locusts come. Go camping there in all weather (um…we only have a week and a half left…so again, I’m sorry, I really shot you all in the foot on this one) so you can be prepared because this is your new HOME.

  4. Put together a survival kit.
    Here's mine. I am OBSESSED with these things.

    Here’s mine. I am OBSESSED with these things.

    Now, this site was not helpful about a survival kit, but I was reading a recap of some show on TLC (of COURSE it was on TLC – TLC has some SUPER-helpful programming like about hillbillies and such) about preparing for the apocalypse and apparently what you need is a lot of food in cans like huge cans of pudding and stew; a big garden under a geodesic dome like in that movie with Pauly Shore and the stoner Baldwin who has since found the Lord; rabbits (so you can pet ’em, but also kill ’em and then eat ’em); a portable surgery kit just in case someone needs to get their leg amputated; and guns. A LOT of guns. One guy was pre-carrying his gun everywhere, just in case the apocalypse hit while he was going about his day. He was attempting to learn to SWIM with it on. I’m not even kidding.

  5. Build a shelter.
    Ooh, a BOOK. About SHELTERS. Nice.

    Ooh, a BOOK. About SHELTERS. Nice.

    The site recommends you build it underground and also protect yourself from the elements and also looters. Also since you’re going to be having all that procreatey sex, you probably want to put one of those rotating beds in there with satin sheets, and maybe also a disco ball. And load up on CDs you like, probably. You’re going to be listening to those over and over and OVER. Plus also the site recommends you figure out your power source. Listen, this is a lot of work. Why didn’t you all warn me we needed to start planning for this before this? URGH.

  6. Hoard.
    SO MANY THINGS!

    SO MANY THINGS!

    Hoard a YEAR’S worth of supplies. Shit, you guys, you have to do this in a WEEK. You’d better get on the horn with your 25 sex-people and get them to start hoarding too. Put one in charge of snack-cakes and one in charge of Dumbcat-food, ok? (Oh. Yeah, if the world’s ending, Dumbcat’s coming with. Sorry. There’s going to be fur all up in our shelter. Listen! I’m not leaving my guy BEHIND. He wouldn’t know what to do with all those locusts.) Don’t just hoard food. You also need things like clothes and toilet paper and pens. Don’t forget pens, how will you write to-do lists?

  7. Pray.
    I like this kid's face. PRAYING IS HARD!

    I like this kid’s face. PRAYING IS HARD!

    No, seriously, the next step was to pray. Um. Well, I guess, if that’s your thing, you can do that. I’m not going to tell you NOT to pray. But while you pray, I’m going to use that time to hoard more.

  8. Study.
    NO, you can't have a Golden Ticket. Stop asking.

    NO, you can’t have a Golden Ticket. Stop asking.

    Each of your people who are also sex-orgy people also need to be an expert in something. Well, I think we can skip this step, because I’m not inviting anyone into my underground bunker who’s not brilliant. All of my people are already experts in something. Also, I’m not having sex with anyone who’s not brilliant. Sorry. That’s the golden ticket to my areas.

  9. Cross-train.
    We get to use awesome bouncy balls? That's ok, then.

    We get to use awesome bouncy balls? That’s ok, then.

    This article wants you to be in peak physical condition for the apocalypse. Shit. I don’t think a week and a half is long enough. Sorry. Unless you’re already IN peak physical condition. Wait, do I know anyone in peak physical condition? I don’t know that I do. Those people confuse and befuddle me, plus where would I meet them? Those people don’t live on the internet.

  10. Keep an eye on the sky for…something?
    I guess one of the other group-members will have to look for the bombs. I have to hoard ALL THE THINGS RIGHT NOW.

    I guess one of the other group-members will have to look for the bombs. I have to hoard ALL THE THINGS RIGHT NOW.

    I don’t know. Bombs, maybe? This one’s confusing, plus I’m too busy hoarding.

So, really, what we’ve learned it, mostly we don’t have much time, but once we do all this stuff, we’re totally going to be having a lot of sex with our friends. Um. I don’t…huh. I don’t really want to have a lot of sex with my friends. (Sorry, friends.) But then again, I don’t know that I so much want to go up to complete strangers and ask them to be in my sex-orgy apocalypse group. This is a hard choice, you guys.

OK, so we have almost two weeks. Hoard hoard hoard. Also maybe get some guns and rabbits. Or don’t. But if anything happens to you, I will feel TERRIBLE.

And so will Dumbcat, although mostly he’s just excited he gets to live in a BUNKER and get his fur all over NEW FURNITURE MOM!

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

22 responses to “Preparing for the apocalypse with snack cakes and disco balls.

  • Charleen

    You could probably skip the orgy if you don’t care about repopulating the earth. Just leave that to the other crazy survival groups. You and your group could just have the world’s longest wine-tasting party. Assuming you hoard enough wine, of course.

    Like

  • sj

    That apocalypse show makes me laugh. With their bug-out bags and whatnot. Seriously, I laugh and laugh and laugh, especially when their plans fall apart.

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Another post about all the sex. I’m detecting a pattern here.

    Like

  • becomingcliche

    I feel I must be upfront that I am finished procreating. Can I just bring the Moon Pies? And the bug spray for the locusts

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Also, I remember you mentioning – many many moons ago – something about a former nuclear missile bunker in upstate New York. Or perhaps it was me mentioning it to you? Either way it would make an ideal place to survive an apocalypse, as it was designed for it.

    Like

  • elaine4queen

    i am too old to procreate, so i will just do all the other prepper-y things. i have saved all the tips on pinterest. wait. i see a problem with that…
    luckily i have seen nearly all the apocalypse films and telly that’s available so i am quite up on it all.
    that one with whatsisname? all wrong. no deer in new york – all BIG RATS.

    anyway, the other thing is, that if this is going to be a rapture style apocalypse i already had a discussion about this, and the general consensus was that you don’t want to be raptured in restrictive clothes. you don’t really want to be doing the apocalypse in high heels and a business suit either, so pjs for rapture, comfy clothes and big boots for apocalypse.

    remember – when ram raiding for all the equipment and canned food also get plenty books. in between ALL THE DRAMA there will be dull bits.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      There are deer in Westchester, which isn’t THAT far from NYC, so maybe once it quieted down in New York, the deer would come a’sniffin’ over to the City?

      Ooh, I was just thinking. Maybe we could have our shelter be a library. They’re usually stone and there’d be ALL THE BOOKS!

      Like

      • Andreas Heinakroon

        But you’re not allowed to eat or drink in the library. Wouldn’t we get awfully hungry and thirsty?

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        • lucysfootball

          Once the apocalypse hits, rules go out the window. We can do whatever we want in the library. In that terrible movie about how ice took over NYC, they even BURNED THE GUTENBERG BIBLE in a library! So I think we’re allowed to eat as long as we don’t burn precious books.

          Like

          • Andreas Heinakroon

            They did? Really? Hmm.. I don’t approve of book burning.

            Like

            • lucysfootball

              Oh, but that movie was terrible. Other than Jake Gyllenhaal was pretty to look at. At one point? Oh, Andreas. Your head would have exploded with scientific fury. The coldness came? And it came like…I don’t even know how to explain this. Like it was a wave, I guess? And they saw it coming? And they were all, “RUN!” and they OUTRACED THE WAVE OF COLD. Like, you could see the walls around them freezing, and the icing-up happening, and they RAN FASTER THAN THE WEATHER.

              Dad and I went to see it at the movie theater and he leaned over and said, “This is the exact point where this movie passes over from bad to ridiculous. You can’t outrun cold weather.”

              Like

  • lahikmajoe

    ‘Rabbits: pets or meat.’

    Like

  • lgalaviz

    I really like the phrase, “get on the horn with your 25 sex-people.” I’m going to use that around the office today. Thanks.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I think that’s a good idea. But probably not to your boss. I don’t want you to get fired. Unless it means you’ll relocate here. Are you planning on relocating here if you’re fired? If so, that’s ok, then.

      Like

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