Introducing Le Tigre Suisse. Ooh la la!

Let’s talk about tiger murder.

According to this article the lovely sj sent me, there was a murder at the Chesterfield Zoo in Richmond just a few days ago.

A 5-year-old female tiger named McCoy took a swat at Kumba, a 2 1/2-year-old male. Kumba walked away, then circled back and attacked McCoy. In less than 2 minutes, she was dead.

The title of the article says they were mates, so this adds a layer of romantic intrigue to this murder, really.

So what happened here seems to be that this cougar of a tiger, McCoy (she’s TWICE HIS AGE!) apparently got pissed at her partner for something (I would assume, since he was so much younger, he was doing something like flirting with tigers his own age, or he told her that the stripes she wore that day made her look old, or when she said, “should I get a fur-lift?” he didn’t IMMEDIATELY say no) and she swatted at him with her paw full of claws. Well, Kumba walked away (probably to count to ten, like therapists tell you to do) but he’d apparently had enough. Maybe he had dreams of not being saddled with an older lady anymore, or wanted to have unfettered sex with a younger tiger who was really bendy, I don’t know his life. So he let his anger get the best of him and he CIRCLED BACK and he ATTACKED HIS LADYFRIEND. (A divorce would have been quicker and easier, Kumba. Just letting you know.)

Look how this movie COULD have ended. We were really lucky with what we got.

Look how this movie COULD have ended. We were really lucky with what we got.

“In less than two minutes, she was dead” is very chilling and sounds like something from a Lifetime movie or that terrible 20/20 or something that gives me nightmares and then I start thinking there are killers in my closet AND I WILL BE NEXT.

A third tiger was in the enclosure at the time of the incident Saturday but was not involved in the attack. The zoo’s fourth tiger was in a different area at the time.

Zoo staff responded within minutes, but (zoo director Jim) Andelin said they were unable to do anything.

“Even if it had happened in front of us, we couldn’t do anything,” he said. “We certainly wouldn’t go in there with them.”

A tranquilizer, he said, would have taken at least 10 minutes to work, or five times longer than the attack lasted.

He said Kumba was placed in isolation. He has been back in the outdoor enclosure but is continuing to be held away from the zoo’s other two tigers.

Andelin said he and his staff were reviewing a videotape of the attack but had yet to figure out what happened.

“They had been together for 8 months,” he said of the tigers. “I can’t say there’d never been an incident, but that’s how they play. I don’t know what caused it to go too far this time.”

So sj sent me this article last week. And we both agreed, this was a very sad article. I mean, tiger death is very sad. We all like tigers. They are warm and furry and beautiful and striped and stalky and when they yawn they show all their teeth. EVERY LAST TOOTH!

Sooooo sleepy! And toothsome!

I do like that Kumba wasn’t put to death for killing his ladyfriend. Also, “I don’t know what caused it to go too far this time” is ALSO from a Lifetime movie. Watch for this story to hit your televisions in Spring 2013. I’m assuming the title will be The Love That Claws and Scratches. Or perhaps Tiger Tiger Murdering Bright.

However, after I read this, I totally got the giggles. Then I put my hand over my mouth because they were kind of inappropriate giggles. Then I KEPT giggling, because once I start, I really can’t stop. I used to be the worst in church.

“Oh, this is sad,” I emailed sj. “I kind of laughed that there was a third tiger in the enclosure but he was not involved. He was like SWITZERLAND, yo. ‘I’m not getting involved in this petty bullshittery,’ said the third tiger.”

Immediately, sj emailed back. “I LAUGHED TOO AND FELT LIKE A HORRIBLE PERSON!  ‘I knew that Kumba was bad news!'”

This is why I love sj. (Among a billion other reasons, like she will stalk people for you without even being asked, and also knows what I’m thinking sometimes BEFORE I DO.) We both immediately picked out the most inappropriate thing in the very sad tiger-murder article and got the giggles about it.

So for days we’ve been talking about the Swiss Tiger. sj even came up for a name for him: Le Tigre Suisse. ONLY, with further RESEARCH, Le Tigre Suisse ISN’T a boy. SHE IS A GIRL. And there is SOMETHING ELSE GOING ON HERE.

SUISSE

SUISSE

(Also, this reminded me of that Will Ferrell Saturday Night Live pet talk show skit where they said “Mr. Bojangles is really a girl! Mr. Bojangles is REALLY A GIRL!” and it always made roommate C. and I giggle like morons.)

Mr. Bojangles is really a girl!

Mr. Bojangles is really a girl!

sj told me tonight that “A third cat in the enclosure, Amare,  McCoy’s sister was separated from Kumba after the attack, and acted as if nothing had happened.”

Le Tigre Suisse was McCoy’s SISTER! And, in news of irony, “Amare” means “love” so she was a LOVER, not a FIGHTER, therefore that’s why she was Switzerland.

So of course sj has SOLVED it. (In case you weren’t aware, sj is one of the best emailers in the history of emailers. Hands down. You get an sj email in your inbox, you have sunshine. End of story.)

“AS IF NOTHING HAD HAPPENED!  Zomg, it was totally set up!  She wanted Kumba for herself, and so they had this WHOLE PLAN to take out McCoy so they could be together forever.  They just didn’t think it would be CAUGHT ON FILM!”

This reminds me of one of the murders in Chicago. “The Cell Block Tango,” right? The “Cicero” one? The “my sister, Veronica, and I did this double act…and my husband, Charlie, used to travel round with us…I come back, open the door…and there’s Veronica and Charlie doing…the spread eagle.” THAT ONE. Amare (le tigre Suisse) and Kumba were SO doing the spread eagle. Or the spread tiger, I suppose, let’s not be speciesist.

He had it comin'! He had it comin'! He had it comin' ALL ALOOOOOONG!

He had it comin’! He had it comin’! He had it comin’ ALL ALOOOOOONG!

So this is all a huge plot between Amare and Kumba so they could be together and she did NOT understand whatever the female version of bros before hos is and therefore set up her OWN SISTER to be MURDERED and now her boytoy is in isolation and I bet she’s feeling pretty lonely right about now. Also pretty stupid because listen, even if you’re in love with their husband, that’s still your SISTER, Amare also known as Le Tigre Suisse.

sj sent me this; it is a photo of the sisters in happier times.

I’m going to assume Le Tigre Suisse is the one being licked and looking all bored. And our poor McCoy is the one who thinks EVERYTHING IS FINE but really she’s about to be NEFARIOUSLY MURDERED.

What have we learned today, blogonians?

  • sj is most literally the best
  • sj and I find the most inappropriate things hilarious; this is why we are SYMPATICO and I LOVE HER
  • tigers are going to be the next subjects for Lifetime movies
  • it takes ten minutes for tiger tranquilizers to work; plan appropriately, kiddos!
  • don’t fall in love with someone half your age; they might just murder you with their claws
  • “le tigre Suisse” is the funniest name ever and I’ve been giggling about it all night long

THANK YOU SJ FOR ALERTING ME TO THIS VERY IMPORTANT NEWS STORY! And for being the best emailer. You are truly une amie magique. Et une licorne arc en ciel. Je t’aime!

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

28 responses to “Introducing Le Tigre Suisse. Ooh la la!

  • elaine4queen

    that batman ding dong looks easy to make.

    it seems to me that you now need to make one and add it to you lanyard. give everyone lanyard envy and start a craze for adding stuff to lanyards til everyone is BRISTLING with them.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I actually stopped wearing it around my neck because it was clashing with my fantastic pendants (I have a million of them and they are BEAUTIFUL) and wear it clipped to my waistband now, like a MAN. Nothing like starting to buck tradition on my second day, yo.

      Like

      • elaine4queen

        good for you. i think i would wear my fantasy lanyard on my waistband LIKE A MAN. i don’t wear any jewelry because it distracts me all the time, and i think something round my neck would. at my last work we had ID things. you could get them on a clip, which i attached to my trousis.

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          I wear rings and a necklace every day. The same rings; different necklace. I’m obsessed with pendants. Can’t have enough of them. They’re my thing. My rings are my armor, but they’re never-changing. Same 7 rings, same fingers, every day. They make me feel safe.

          Today I wore my lanyard on my NECK. But only because I was wearing a skirt and it kept falling off the waistband and I was afraid I would lose it.

          Like

  • sj

    No, no! The WHITE tiger is McCoy! She’s the rare white tiger! That’s one of the reasons I’m SUCH A HORRIBLE PERSON! Because I shouldn’t be laughing when A RARE TIGER IS DEAD (possibly due to a nefarious scheme between her lover and her sister DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN).

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Well, technically Kumba wouldn’t have killed McCoy with his claws. Fierce as they are, a tiger’s claws are not for killing but for grabbing their prey, making sure they don’t get away (and believe me, if a tiger decides to hold on to you with its claws, you won’t be getting away..). Instead Kumba would have locked his jaws over McCoy’s throat, crushing her windpipe and suffocating her. It would only take a minute or two.

    Like

  • becomingcliche

    I’m not familiar with this zoo. It’s privately owned. I do know that often zoo animals are put on birth control (the white tiger definitely should have been, if she wasn’t already spayed). Sometimes the birth control increases a female’s production of testosterone, making her smell, and in the case of lions, appear more like a male. Was this the case here? I do not know.

    This story highlights the reason why people should never mess with an adult big cat, even one that has been raised by hand. Once they reach maturity, they are incredibly unpredictable and dangerous. A kid wanted to have her senior picture taken with a tiger at one of those weird places where they walk the animals around on a leash. It killed her.

    Oh, for the love of muffins! I just fell off my soapbox and broke a nail.

    “Dog Show” was one of my favorite SNL sketches ever.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      That happened around here, too, if I’m remembering correctly. A kid was killed in one of those take-your-photo-with-a-tiger things. Tigers (and lions and bears, oh my) aren’t to be messed with. Wild animals, people.

      Remember when Mr. Bojangles and Rocky Balboa got married? But it was ok. Because Mr. Bojangles was really a GIRL!

      Like

  • blogginglily

    Tiger Army Never Dies!!!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Are you in the tiger army, Jim? Is that what you’re trying to tell us?

      You totally have a tiger-claw necklace, don’t you? Don’t even try to deny it.

      Like

      • blogginglily

        I just like Tiger Army’s music, Amy. Don’t try to make Tiger Army feel foolish. Because…rawr, muthaf*$ka! Tigers!!

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          That’s a band? You need to be more clear about these things, Jim. I don’t know about MUSIC. Only showtunes. And whatever they sing on “Glee.” And whatever sj or Ken tells me I should be listening to. I’m the worst.

          Like

          • blogginglily

            They have song called, “Tiger Army Never Die”. It’s like a slogan with them. I would search out…let me see…”Afterworld” or “LunaTone” or “Pain”…those are some that I enjoy listening to.

            Like

            • lucysfootball

              I’m afraid to listen to that link. Once, you told me to listen to something and it was SO THRASHY AND SHOUTY, Jim. We could never go on a road trip together. Our music tastes are too different. We’d have to TALK.

              Like

  • Charleen

    Aaaand, now I have “Cell Block Tango” in my head.

    *sings* “The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum…”

    Like

  • Kris Rudin (@krisrudin)

    Any post with references to Chicago (musical) gets a double thumbs up from me! Even if it also contains inappropriate laughter!! ;-)

    Like

  • Beth Johnson (@ladypembroke)

    I think you are looking for “sisters before misters”… or in the more appropriate vernacular, “sisahs befo’ mistahs’. Glad to help. *giggle*

    Like

  • blogginglily

    I forget how to link to videos, but I know you always fix it for me anyway…

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      OK, so I totally listened to the WHOLE THING and I didn’t hate it. I don’t think I’d seek them out or anything, but it didn’t make my ears bleed.

      Tentatively not mad at your music choices at the moment, Jim. Good job!

      Like

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