Let’s talk about tiger murder.
A 5-year-old female tiger named McCoy took a swat at Kumba, a 2 1/2-year-old male. Kumba walked away, then circled back and attacked McCoy. In less than 2 minutes, she was dead.
The title of the article says they were mates, so this adds a layer of romantic intrigue to this murder, really.
So what happened here seems to be that this cougar of a tiger, McCoy (she’s TWICE HIS AGE!) apparently got pissed at her partner for something (I would assume, since he was so much younger, he was doing something like flirting with tigers his own age, or he told her that the stripes she wore that day made her look old, or when she said, “should I get a fur-lift?” he didn’t IMMEDIATELY say no) and she swatted at him with her paw full of claws. Well, Kumba walked away (probably to count to ten, like therapists tell you to do) but he’d apparently had enough. Maybe he had dreams of not being saddled with an older lady anymore, or wanted to have unfettered sex with a younger tiger who was really bendy, I don’t know his life. So he let his anger get the best of him and he CIRCLED BACK and he ATTACKED HIS LADYFRIEND. (A divorce would have been quicker and easier, Kumba. Just letting you know.)
“In less than two minutes, she was dead” is very chilling and sounds like something from a Lifetime movie or that terrible 20/20 or something that gives me nightmares and then I start thinking there are killers in my closet AND I WILL BE NEXT.
A third tiger was in the enclosure at the time of the incident Saturday but was not involved in the attack. The zoo’s fourth tiger was in a different area at the time.
Zoo staff responded within minutes, but (zoo director Jim) Andelin said they were unable to do anything.
“Even if it had happened in front of us, we couldn’t do anything,” he said. “We certainly wouldn’t go in there with them.”
A tranquilizer, he said, would have taken at least 10 minutes to work, or five times longer than the attack lasted.
He said Kumba was placed in isolation. He has been back in the outdoor enclosure but is continuing to be held away from the zoo’s other two tigers.
Andelin said he and his staff were reviewing a videotape of the attack but had yet to figure out what happened.
“They had been together for 8 months,” he said of the tigers. “I can’t say there’d never been an incident, but that’s how they play. I don’t know what caused it to go too far this time.”
So sj sent me this article last week. And we both agreed, this was a very sad article. I mean, tiger death is very sad. We all like tigers. They are warm and furry and beautiful and striped and stalky and when they yawn they show all their teeth. EVERY LAST TOOTH!
I do like that Kumba wasn’t put to death for killing his ladyfriend. Also, “I don’t know what caused it to go too far this time” is ALSO from a Lifetime movie. Watch for this story to hit your televisions in Spring 2013. I’m assuming the title will be The Love That Claws and Scratches. Or perhaps Tiger Tiger Murdering Bright.
However, after I read this, I totally got the giggles. Then I put my hand over my mouth because they were kind of inappropriate giggles. Then I KEPT giggling, because once I start, I really can’t stop. I used to be the worst in church.
“Oh, this is sad,” I emailed sj. “I kind of laughed that there was a third tiger in the enclosure but he was not involved. He was like SWITZERLAND, yo. ‘I’m not getting involved in this petty bullshittery,’ said the third tiger.”
Immediately, sj emailed back. “I LAUGHED TOO AND FELT LIKE A HORRIBLE PERSON! ‘I knew that Kumba was bad news!'”
This is why I love sj. (Among a billion other reasons, like she will stalk people for you without even being asked, and also knows what I’m thinking sometimes BEFORE I DO.) We both immediately picked out the most inappropriate thing in the very sad tiger-murder article and got the giggles about it.
So for days we’ve been talking about the Swiss Tiger. sj even came up for a name for him: Le Tigre Suisse. ONLY, with further RESEARCH, Le Tigre Suisse ISN’T a boy. SHE IS A GIRL. And there is SOMETHING ELSE GOING ON HERE.
(Also, this reminded me of that Will Ferrell Saturday Night Live pet talk show skit where they said “Mr. Bojangles is really a girl! Mr. Bojangles is REALLY A GIRL!” and it always made roommate C. and I giggle like morons.)
sj told me tonight that “A third cat in the enclosure, Amare, McCoy’s sister was separated from Kumba after the attack, and acted as if nothing had happened.”
Le Tigre Suisse was McCoy’s SISTER! And, in news of irony, “Amare” means “love” so she was a LOVER, not a FIGHTER, therefore that’s why she was Switzerland.
So of course sj has SOLVED it. (In case you weren’t aware, sj is one of the best emailers in the history of emailers. Hands down. You get an sj email in your inbox, you have sunshine. End of story.)
“AS IF NOTHING HAD HAPPENED! Zomg, it was totally set up! She wanted Kumba for herself, and so they had this WHOLE PLAN to take out McCoy so they could be together forever. They just didn’t think it would be CAUGHT ON FILM!”
This reminds me of one of the murders in Chicago. “The Cell Block Tango,” right? The “Cicero” one? The “my sister, Veronica, and I did this double act…and my husband, Charlie, used to travel round with us…I come back, open the door…and there’s Veronica and Charlie doing…the spread eagle.” THAT ONE. Amare (le tigre Suisse) and Kumba were SO doing the spread eagle. Or the spread tiger, I suppose, let’s not be speciesist.
So this is all a huge plot between Amare and Kumba so they could be together and she did NOT understand whatever the female version of bros before hos is and therefore set up her OWN SISTER to be MURDERED and now her boytoy is in isolation and I bet she’s feeling pretty lonely right about now. Also pretty stupid because listen, even if you’re in love with their husband, that’s still your SISTER, Amare also known as Le Tigre Suisse.
sj sent me this; it is a photo of the sisters in happier times.
I’m going to assume Le Tigre Suisse is the one being licked and looking all bored. And our poor McCoy is the one who thinks EVERYTHING IS FINE but really she’s about to be NEFARIOUSLY MURDERED.
What have we learned today, blogonians?
- sj is most literally the best
- sj and I find the most inappropriate things hilarious; this is why we are SYMPATICO and I LOVE HER
- tigers are going to be the next subjects for Lifetime movies
- it takes ten minutes for tiger tranquilizers to work; plan appropriately, kiddos!
- don’t fall in love with someone half your age; they might just murder you with their claws
- “le tigre Suisse” is the funniest name ever and I’ve been giggling about it all night long
THANK YOU SJ FOR ALERTING ME TO THIS VERY IMPORTANT NEWS STORY! And for being the best emailer. You are truly une amie magique. Et une licorne arc en ciel. Je t’aime!