It’s a war! Defend yourselves, men, we’re coming for your SOULS!

Men!

Men, listen, I am so sorry. I’m here to give you a warning.

You’re going to want to probably arm yourselves. I’m thinking crossbows? Maybe trebuchets? Boiling vats of hot oil? Vicious taunting?

MEN.

There is a WAR on you. A whole war! Just on you and your dangly bits!

How do I know this? Well, Fox News told me. Listen, guys. They’re both fair and balanced. It’s right in their slogan. So you know they’re telling the truth. I mean, if someone’s fair and balanced, how could they be telling us a falsehood?

You know this guy’s fair and balanced, as he’s the one who thinks we’re all gonna marry TURTLES.

Dad’s been telling me this for a while now, but I’ve been ignoring him. I feel terrible. Sorry, Dad. I guess you were telling me the truth all along. I’ll send you a trebuchet. You get the first trebuchet, Dad. Shit, there is a WAR on, you can’t go into this UNARMED.

According to Suzanne Venker, who you know you have to trust because she is a lady who writes for Fox News (she has written such illustrious tomes as The Flipside of Feminism and How to Choose a Husband and 7 Myths of Working Mothers, so she’s here for US, ladies, and let’s not even discuss how ironic it is she has time to write all these things as a person with lady-bits who should be serving her man and children in all things!) there is no war on women. Women have taken over the world. We get more college degrees, we’ve taken over the workforce, in other words: WE RULE.

Well. I already knew we ruled. And honestly, I don’t doubt those statistics, but only because there are more women than men (at least in MERKA!) so it would figure there were more women in the workforce and more women getting college degrees. It only makes sense.

But Ms. Venker (I bet she’d be so mad I called her Ms., so you know I’m going to keep doing it; also, I keep wanting to call her Ms. Venkman, like from Ghostbusters? Because I’m a dork) says that all the women are complaining THERE ARE NO GOOD MEN LEFT TO MARRY. And she disagrees. There are PLENTY of good men. They just don’t want to marry us. Why?

Women aren’t women anymore.

WE ARE BROKEN!

Yep. Women aren’t WOMEN anymore. And by “women,” she of course means the 50s stereotype: aproned, hair done just so, waiting at home for her man to bring home the bacon with dinner on the table and a smile on her face and dead, dead eyes. Women who pop out kids like kittens and keep their mouths shut to opinions and vote like their husbands tell them to, if their husbands encourage them to at all, and read books about the Lord.

Once, Dad gave Mom a vaccuum for their anniversary. She didn’t talk to him for a WEEK. True story!

In a nutshell, women are angry. They’re also defensive, though often unknowingly. That’s because they’ve been raised to think of men as the enemy. Armed with this new attitude, women pushed men off their pedestal (women had their own pedestal, but feminists convinced them otherwise) and climbed up to take what they were taught to believe was rightfully theirs.

Please read this paragraph again. No, seriously. Read it again, and then just soak it in for a minute.

  • “Women are angry.” Blanket generalizations are fantastic, aren’t they? I’m a woman. Let me check my internal barometer. Nope. Not angry at the moment. Are women angry sometimes? Sure they are. They’re also sometimes happy, sad, calm, jubilant, depressed, and sleepy. And – top secret info, my little jujubes? SO ARE MEN. You know why that is? WE’RE ALL HUMANS AND HAVE EMOTIONS IN OUR HEADPLACES.
  • Shit, now I don’t know if I’m defensive or not. I might be defensive and not even know it. THIS IS TERRIBLE.
  • Raised to think men were the enemy. Well, here’s the thing. I wasn’t raised to think men were the enemy. One of my primary caregivers wasn’t a huge fan of men, but that’s just one person. The rest of my people were pretty equal-opportunity. I was actually raised around a lot of men. The Lucy’s Football family was pretty man-heavy. So I’ve always liked men. (NOT LIKE THAT. Well, yes, also like that. But not SOLELY like that.) I’m not going to say I GET them, that’s silly, but I grew up surrounded by supportive, loving, intelligent, loyal men. None of whom are the enemy. Most of whom I would actually, willingly, give up my life for. Not raised to think they’re the enemy. Raised to think they were equals – and that I was their equal. Despite my lack of a penis. There’s a difference.
  • That last sentence – well, here’s the thing. I don’t disagree with most of it. I don’t think men-hating led us to attempt to claim equal-rights status – I think that was just the notion – the INSANE notion – that as humans, we deserved the same rights as everyone else. And I think we did have a pedestal. The pedestal of WIFE and MOTHER. Brainless, pretty, and useless except for breeding purposes. Who the hell wants to stay on THAT fucking pedestal? That pedestal SUCKS. I’m so lucky I was born in an era where not only was I not expected to be on that pedestal, every time someone pointed me toward that pedestal, I kicked it. With steel-toed Docs. The feminists (the way that’s phrased, can’t you just hear her SPITTING that hated word? FEMINISTS UGH) didn’t convince us otherwise. THEY OPENED OUR EYES. They said, “you are a HUMAN BEING. You deserve THE SAME RIGHTS AS EVERYONE ELSE.”
  • I guess I am angry. Huh. Well, it must be because I have a vagina and I hate men.

Don’t worry. Ms. Venker’s not done. I hope among the time it took her to write this article she was able to service her man and put her kids to bed. That’s what women are for, after all. Also clipping coupons. And hanging out at the beauty salon under those huge blowdry helmets.

But what if the dearth of good men, and ongoing battle of the sexes, is – hold on to your seats – women’s fault?

You’ll never hear that in the media. All the articles and books (and television programs, for that matter) put women front and center, while men and children sit in the back seat. But after decades of browbeating the American male, men are tired. Tired of being told there’s something fundamentally wrong with them. Tired of being told that if women aren’t happy, it’s men’s fault.

Contrary to what feminists like Hanna Rosin, author of The End of Men, say, the so-called rise of women has not threatened men. It has pissed them off. It has also undermined their ability to become self-sufficient in the hopes of someday supporting a family. Men want to love women, not compete with them. They want to provide for and protect their families – it’s in their DNA. But modern women won’t let them.

Who is telling men that if women aren’t happy, it’s their fault? Who’s telling them that? If in a relationship, people aren’t happy (the man, the woman, whoever) BOTH of them have to work to fix it. It’s not just one person’s fault. Both people have to change if it’s going to work. Or maybe it’s not going to work, I don’t know your life. Sometimes one of the people is kind of an asshole. Sometimes the people aren’t compatible. Sometimes they grow apart. But is there someone going around the world saying “MAN’S FAULT!” and pointing the finger at the men all the time? Because that’s a shitty thing to do. Some of my nearest and dearest have been in relationships that haven’t worked out. And I know damn well it wasn’t their fault. And – here’s a shocker – THEY ARE MEN. ZOMG! I know! Totally distressing, as a woman, I should probably have shaken my finger in their face and been all “YOUR FAULT!”, right?

Now I want you to read that last paragraph. NO SERIOUSLY. Really read it. (Her last paragraph, not mine.)

This paragraph makes men out to be GIGANTIC ASSHOLES.

Gigantic assholes from the 50s wearing fedoras and smoking many cigarettes and carrying the newspaper and expecting their wives to rub their feet and provide them with brisket when they get home. OR FACE THE CONSEQUENCES DAMMIT.

I have male friends. And honestly, don’t you even presume to speak for them, ma’am. Don’t you even. Because honestly, if my male friends were presented with the kind of woman you are purporting they want? I think they’d just feel bad for them. And I think they’d probably wonder what was wrong with them, and wonder what kind of childhood trauma they went through that made them feel so worthless that they had to be subservient and docile, and not want to spend any time with them because who wants to spend time willingly with a Stepford wife?

My male friends? Some of whom are single, some of whom are in relationships? RESPECT powerful women. They like us to have brains. They LIKE us to think about things, to speak our minds, to be intelligent, funny, self-sufficient. They are not afraid of us because we have power. They would not want us any other way.

Women in power are AMAZING and BEAUTIFUL and STRONG. Screw you if you think otherwise. It’s a failing in yourself, not in them.

This is the only type of man I associate myself with. This is the only type of man I want anything to fucking DO with. If you, Ms. Venker, have been spending time with whiny-ass men who are all “GONE ARE THE DAYS I COULD COME HOME TO A CLEAN HOUSE AND A STEAK AND A BJ,” well, you can send those assholes right back where they came from – in a wormhole to Ozzy and Harrietville.

SO HAPPY! Except for the missing part. You can’t see that. The missing part is her SOUL.

Also, IT IS NOT IN THEIR DNA. No more than it is in WOMEN’S DNA. THAT IS NOT HOW SCIENCE WORKS. You can’t just make up science. We ALL want to provide for and protect our families. Are you telling me, ma’am, that single moms don’t want to provide for and protect their families? Because they have, what, unicorns and kittens in their DNA?

Also, “modern women won’t LET them?” I FORBID YOU, MAN I LOVE, TO PROVIDE FOR OR PROTECT MY FAMILY! Yeah, that happens a lot, I think. Probably all the damn time.

Well, listen. I haven’t written EXTENSIVE BOOKS about how women are ruining men, or anything, and based on this article, I am the enemy, but here are my two cents. Not that you asked for them. And not that I’d spare you two cents; I mean, I’m sure your husband is the sole provider in your family, right, ma’am? You don’t get paid for writing these articles, right? Or those books? Or for going on the extensive speaking tours you advertise on your slick website?

You are out of your everloving mind. And – AND, worst of all – you’re poisoning the minds of people I care about.

My dad thinks this shit is true. My dad saw this on your damnable television channel and ACTUALLY TOLD ME that the war on women was to cover up the actual war on men that’s going on. (Also, he’s quite sure if I were more ladylike, I’d be married right now. “But then I wouldn’t be me!” I said. He thought about this for a minute. “That’s true. I like you the way you are. I guess stay the way you are. Could you pretend to be a lady to catch a man? That might work.” “NO DAD I AM NOT USING CHICANERY TO HOOK ME A FELLA,” I replied.)

It’s not a war. It’s EVOLUTION. It’s PROGRESS. Other countries have been doing this – and doing it RIGHT, and without a COMPLAINT – for YEARS. Why in Merka is it something we have to write articles about, bemoaning the lack of 50s sensibilities? Listen, both of my grandmothers REVEL in the freedoms women today have that women in their day didn’t.

This article is 50% you trolling us (I’m sure Fox encouraged you to write it, and to include such inflammatory language) and 50% shit you believe. And Ms. Venker, that makes me sad. Because you are raising children. Who are looking to you to be an example. You are poisoning young minds. This utterly terrifies me.

Women: don’t let anyone tell you there’s no war on us. Men – the small-minded ones – are terrified of our power. Because we are powerful. And there are a LOT of us. And if we banded together, oh, the change for the better we could make.

Thanks to the amazing sj – a woman of power if there ever was one – for this image!

And men? Well, shit. I’m so sorry war’s been declared on the Kingdom of Your Genitalia. Expect your trebuchets in the mail in 3-5 business days. Well, except for those of you in Europe. Shipping costs to your lands are a little prohibitive so I gotta send those via the slow boat. Protect yourselves with vegetable peelers for the time being.

BE SAFE OUT THERE, MENFOLKS.

We’re comin’ for you.

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

36 responses to “It’s a war! Defend yourselves, men, we’re coming for your SOULS!

  • sj

    I just clapped while I was reading this, Amy. Wonderfully worded. <3

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    The paradoxes of the American society keep on perplexing me. How is it that a modern powerful country built on ground breaking science and industry can nurture such a backward social attitude? It doesn’t seem to make sense. Where is that archaic notion coming from? What makes it such a prominent force in the public media?

    Those are all questions for which I don’t have any answers.

    Like

    • emmawolf

      “How is it that a modern powerful country built on ground breaking science and industry can nurture such a backward social attitude?”

      I wonder this every day.

      Like

    • lucysfootball

      I thought while writing this, “This is going to make Andreas angry.”

      I don’t have answers, either. And I live here.

      I can’t say that sometimes I don’t still think of moving to Finland, Andreas.

      Like

  • emmawolf

    Do you know about makers.com? It is a website (dur) about women who have contributed to the women’s movement and who have opened doors for women, etc. And for some ridiculous reason, http://www.makers.com/phyllis-schlafly

    Anyway, here is a petition to remove her from makers.com: https://www.change.org/petitions/pbs-and-aol-remove-phyllis-schlafly-from-makers-com#

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      What the hell? That’s a PBS thing! What is PBS thinking? I mean, if it was just about powerful women, fine…but she’s ANTI-women’s movement! She closes every open door for women she comes across! She HATES women!

      You can bet I signed that shit.

      Also, I didn’t know about that site, but other than Schlafly, it looks pretty awesome. I’ll check it out in more depth later. Thank you!

      Like

      • emmawolf

        “I mean, if it was just about powerful women, fine…but she’s ANTI-women’s movement! She closes every open door for women she comes across! She HATES women!”

        Inorite! I get that people are conservative, and I disagree with that. However, maybe I’m naive, but I don’t think conservative always has to mean anti-women. Just as an example off the top of my head, the whole Ann Romney doesn’t work debacle. Saying that she doesn’t work doesn’t mean that she isn’t valuable to her family. She has a “traditional”/conservative role in her family, and to the extent that feminism is about choice, her choice to not work outside the home is respected (simplistic, I know). But, maybe I’m wrong, I don’t think Ann Romney thinks that women should have no profession and have no value outside the kitchen and that Mitt should be allowed to rape her. (I just made you picture Mitt and Ann Romney having sex, didn’t I?)

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          I’ve actually already pictured them having sex. Vanilla. Bland and vanilla.

          Agreed – women who stay at home have a role. I don’t argue that at all. If they CHOOSE to stay at home. But being FORCED to stay at home, EXPECTED – that bothers me. (I’m sure you, too.)

          You can be conservative and still pro-women. I don’t think the two have to be mutually exclusive (and I think it’s sad they’ve been made out to be.)

          Like

  • becomingcliche

    We aren’t women anymore? Is there a donation box where I can drop off the knockers, then? They get in my way.

    Like

  • Samantha

    …I hate people. Hmm, we don’t like this whole “women’s equality” movement, so we’re going to turn around and blame it on the oppressed group. That’s a great idea. -_-

    I just want to say that I am in agreement with everything you have said in this post. We are all fighting for equality, we don’t hate men, and we just want the right to be treated like a normal human being. Thanks. :D

    and as a sidenote, if you couldn’t already tell (probably) I love your blog. <3

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Aw, thank you!

      What kills me is that a woman wrote this. And from what I can tell, she BELIEVES it.

      I also hate that we’re STILL discussing/fighting about women’s quality. How long are we going to have to do this? It’s ridiculous.

      Like

  • Kris Rudin (@krisrudin)

    Well put!!
    “Women in power are AMAZING and BEAUTIFUL and STRONG. Screw you if you think otherwise. It’s a failing in yourself, not in them.”
    YESSSS!!!

    Screw Fox.

    Like

  • lahikmajoe

    Ding Dong Joe believes in equality…everyone has an equal right to service him in whatever way they see fit.

    Leave it to him to take such a fantastic post and twist it to his selfish ends…heh heh, I said ‘ends’.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Sometimes I wonder if there is a Ding Dong Joe. Or if there’s Ken…and there’s the freedom this “Ding Dong Joe” gives Ken to say these things.

      The idea of this makes me laugh. A lot. A LOT a lot. It’s like he’s the devil on your shoulder.

      Ding Dong Joe, no one’s servicing you. Go back to watching internet porn and eating HoHos.

      Like

  • 35JupiterDrive

    This is wonderful.

    Just for the record, my son married an independent, extremely intelligent woman and more education that he has. Oh yeah. She also has a career. He does the dishes when she cooks. But then he also does the dishes when he cooks. She hates doing dishes.

    But then, I suppose that’s what you’d expect from a boy raised by a lesbian.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I wouldn’t want to spend any substantial amount of time with any man who wasn’t confident enough to spend time with an intelligent, independent woman. I actually have spent time with men like this? And it’s TERRIBLE. They try to bring you down to plump up their own inadequacy. You leave their company feeling so disgusted.

      That’s not only what I expect from a man raised by a lesbian – it’s what I expect from a man raised by any strong, intelligent woman, regardless of her sexual orientation. Or of ANY man, actually, regardless of how he was raised. There’s no excuse in this day and age to act otherwise. We’re not in caveman days. There’s no reason to be dragging anyone around by their hair.

      Like

  • laura_thetwors

    I just…I just love you right now.

    Like

  • Aleks (@yeksovic)

    Thank you so much for this post. It’s good that there are people like you out there who have something intelligent and funny to say about shit like that.
    Because when I read/hear what so-called defenders of the family and woman’s holy role in it have to say about my duties/abilities/nature as a woman (often women who don’t live what they preach anyway, because if they did nobody would hear them. You can’t reach the whole country shouting from your kitchen window, and anyway shouting is not ladylike, so…, where was I, ah, yes)
    my mind goes blank and I get so so so so angry that I would like to hit somebody. This is not a very grown-up reaction so I rely on people like you to say the right thing.
    And in a potential war I could use my anger to translform into a female Hulk-like figure, all with green breasts dangling and knocking over stupid/reactionary men AND women left and right. This could actually be fun.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I’m so glad you liked it! I don’t know any other way to deal with things like this than sarcasm and humor and anger. I think you get a lot more done with a combination of the three than you do with just shouting.

      I’ll She-Hulk out with you, if you want. That WOULD be fun.

      Like

      • Aleksandra (@yeksovic)

        It’s good that you’re still able to be humorous when it comes to topics like this, because I get really violent in my head and depressed and think that there’s really no point arguing with these people.
        But yeah, let’s do some she-hulking! You’ll be taking them down verbally and I’ll knock them over if that doesn’t help.

        Like

  • Heather

    *STANDING OVATION*

    *THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE*

    You’re the best.

    Like

  • Heather

    Also, I really wanted to laugh when I first read about this a few days ago, but I also felt like crying because there are people out there who believe this shit (your dad among others, but he gets a pass because he’s your dad and he seems like a really good guy who has had his brain permanently altered by Faux News), and that just makes me so sad. Ugh.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      He is a good guy – but he most definitely believes in traditional gender roles. And did, even before Fox News showed up. (I’m the exception to the rule. Because I’m the beloved daughter.)

      Like

  • emmawolf

    I just realized something….I think Phyllis Schlalfy is a transgender man. I am not saying this to insult the trans community or men. I believe this because it is the only way to understand Schlafly. Schlafly believes that women’s primary role should be in the home. Since Schlafly’s primary role is not in the home, Schlafly must be a man.

    Like

  • fairweather4

    This is literally the greatest thing I have ever read! There’s actually someone out there that gets it! Did you know that there was a law not very long ago at all stating that “a woman is not a person and therefore cannot vote”. A law that literally said a woman was not a person, just a baby maker. Fantastic! That law would have still been in place if it weren’t for feminists. Despite all of this, women are still the ones at fault, lovely isn’t it?

    Like

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