Kind-of-Sort-of-Ask-Lucy a.k.a. I CAN ANSWER THAT! (Volume 10)

You totally knew this was coming, didn’t you? I can’t fool you. You guys are SMART. I like that about you. Keep that up. You’ll conquer the world someday with brainplaces like that.

IT IS AMY-ANSWERS-YOUR-QUESTIONS-DAY!!! And there was much rejoicing. RAH RAH.

So, in case you don’t remember, here’s a quick rundown of what’s going on here. No, I didn’t call you run-down. I WOULD NEVER INSULT YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU. Well, mostly I love you. Like in a platonic way, of course. Aw, sorry to break your hearts, my darlings. Because the search terms posts tend to be insanely long, I break them up into two posts: an open letter to people who find my blog accidentally (that’s yesterday’s post, in case you have goldfish-memory) and a post with just the QUESTIONS that drive people to my blog. And I answer those questions to the best of my ability, and I give advice, some of which is more serious than the rest. And don’t we have the best time? Sure. Sure we do. I mean, we could be out digging DITCHES. Think of how much worse things could be!

WE COULD WORK IN A COAL MINE. Come on. That would be worse!

So, yet again! 

Welcome to…  

Kind-of-sort-of Ask Lucy.  

Subtitled: I CAN ANSWER THAT!  

These are all ACTUAL SEARCH TERMS that brought people to my blog. So these people totally need my help, obviously, because they came to Google SEARCHING FOR HELP. And they obviously didn’t find it, because they ended up here. And how can I turn down an opportunity to be the most helpful? I just can’t. It’s in my BLOOD, baby. Like DNA or STDs. (SIDE NOTE: no no no I don’t have STDs. But, yes, I’m fairly sure I have DNA.)

“guy is the suck” meaning? Aw! I like that I have the opportunity to share the lingo with the adults. If you say someone or something is “the suck,” really you’re just saying they suck. It’s not secret code. Here, I’ll give you some examples: You can translate “The fact that I’ve been sitting here for an hour and I have to pee SO BAD is the total suck” to “The fact that I’ve been sitting here for an hour and I have to pee SO BAD sucks.” Same deal, yo. See? You can talk like the tweens and still be a grownup. It’s easy. It only makes you look like a LITTLE bit of a douchebag. You’re welcome, next month I’ll teach you about “achievement unlocked.”

am i a douche for missing my nephew’s baptism? I missed my nephew’s baptism. Are you calling me a douche? I couldn’t make it. I had to work. Most things I’ve missed, it’s because I’ve had either theater or work. Here’s the thing. No. No, missing his baptism doesn’t make you a douche. Well, unless you’re a godparent; then that kind of shows a lack of commitment because the godparents (if I’m remembering correctly) have to stand up there with the parents. See, your nephew won’t remember if you were at his baptism or not. He’s just a wee one. You’re really going for his parents and your family. Instead, make it home for his birthdays. Or just to visit. And once you see him enough, and he gets to know you? That kiddo’s eyes are going to light up when he sees you. And that, that right there? Negates any douche-ness. I promise. Trust me on this one. You’re welcome, give that kiddo a hug for me, will you?

does zak bagans have an std? Yes. Probably all of them. And some they haven’t discovered yet, that when they do, they’ll name after him. You’re welcome, DO NOT TOUCH THAT. You don’t know where it’s been.

how much is sheep? Um. I don’t…um. I promised to try to answer your questions. OK, sheep…is…$500. Does that sound right? If a person were to buy sheep? Sure. Sure it does. Sheep is $500. You can send your money to the place where there is sheep. You’re welcome, please name your sheep Woolly McBaapants.

I would assume this sheep is extra, because of the BANDANNA. And also the cuteness.

is there no internet to new york? TO New York? Why, are you attempting to contact us? I promise we’re reachable. We’re not the middle of nowhere. We have very nice internet here. HERE IS A STORY. I attempted to Skype the first time this week? I was really very terrible at it. Also, it froze up. A LOT. I kept getting this stupid “you have lost connectivity to your party” message and then the picture would freeze up and then I’d get it back for fourteen seconds and then gone again and it was all very sadface making. So I’m thinking based on this one might assume there’s no internet to New York. But I ASSURE YOU THERE IS. I think just maybe Skype was being a dick that day. So, yes. Yes, there’s internet to New York. You’re welcome, feel free to move here, we also have skyscrapers and pie.

New York: We Have Internet. Also, Pie.

missouri compromise is important to the nation why? I’m embarrassed to admit this, but I had to research the Missouri Compromise and I am still a little confused. It looks like Missouri wanted to be in the union but it was a slaveholding state, and the government didn’t want the slaveholding states to outnumber the free states in the union, so they compromised and said that for every slaveholding state, they’d allow a free state in, to keep the balance. As for why it was important…I guess because it was one of the precursors to the Civil War which led to emancipation? As much as I adore history, I don’t know anywhere near enough of it for my taste. I’d be happy for someone to give me more info on this if they have it. You’re welcome, probably don’t come to the internet for homework answers, though.

Here, I found you a map. Does this help at all? I hope you pass history. Then come and teach me about it.

what do green eyes mean? Well, people always say that jealousy is the green-eyed monster, but as a green-eyed person, I think that’s mean. (Although I’m totally jealous. I work really hard not to be, though. It’s a struggle.) And I don’t have GREEN eyes, I have HAZEL eyes. But they turn green when I cry, just like my dad’s. Or when I wear a particularly green shirt. That’s off-topic. Anyway, they really mean nothing more than genetics gave you green eyes. (Or if you’re cheating, you have green contacts in.) Also, green eyes are GORGEOUS. As are blue eyes. And brown eyes. I have an eye-thing. Pretty eyes are my downfall, I’m afraid. There’s many a terrible mistake I’ve made in my life brought about by a man with particularly fetching eyes, and that is a true fact. You’re welcome, be cautious with your heart and don’t just fall for the prettiest pair of eyes you see. Trust me on this one.

what do we honor on halloween? “Honor?” Well, I don’t know that we honor anything. It’s the day before All Saints’ Day, and two days before All Souls’ Day. If you want to get all Christian about it, I suppose. Mostly what we honor is kids dressing up like horror monsters and getting all hepped up on sugar. And when we get older, we celebrate ladies dressing up all slutty and making bad decisions with themselves. So…nah. We don’t honor anything. Except candy. You’re welcome, eat some peanut butter cups for me or something.

what does herpes look like when it first starts? ERGH. I’m so not even looking for a picture for you. This makes me sad and also disturbed. So I’m assuming you think you have the herpes, huh? Well. That’s distressing. Sorry. I hope you didn’t hit Web M.D. for that. It’ll just tell you that you have cancer. Probably of the cooch. Or brain. Whenever I do a Web M.D. search it tells me I have the brain cancer. Anyway, I did research this (NO PICTURES! You can do that on your own time) and found out it’s itching, tingling, redness, and blistering. So, you either have herpes or a sunburn. You’re welcome, stop sleeping with sketchy partners you meet on Craigslist.

what is lucys football result? I don’t know what this means. The result of Lucy pulling away the football? Charlie Brown falls on his ass. The PSYCHOLOGICAL result is a lot more damaging, of course. But isn’t it always? Sure it is. That thing being constantly dangled in front of you, and you JUST CAN’T HAVE IT? Not even once? Or are you asking something about the blog?  What’s my result? Thumbs-up, I’d imagine. You’re welcome, be more specific.

when to not forget the comma? When it makes the sentence confusing without it. Or, ever, really, because if you can use the commas correctly you look like a winner. Don’t you want to look like a winner? Sure you do. A WINNER of GRAMMAR. You’re welcome, I’m happy I could help you with your quest to be AWESOME.

This is a place where you shouldn’t forget the comma.

when will the targaryens meet each other? Listen, I’ve only read the first four books. So when I read this I was all, “what does this mean?” so I emailed my guru of all things awesome, sj. But I asked her not to tell me what it meant if it was spoilery. And her response was “Yeah, it’s spoilery. Don’t want to talk about it. Like, spoilery as fuck. I’m sorry you had to see that.” LISTEN SEARCH TERM PERSON. Why are you spoiling me on one of my favorite series I have not had time to finish? That makes you an ASSHOLE. Luckily, I have no idea what you’re talking about, not even a guess, so I’m still safe. So, I can’t answer that for you. Because you are a jerk. Don’t you even put spoilers on my blog. DON’T YOU EVEN. You’re NOT welcome. NOT AT ALL.

Also, if you spoil any Jaime plot for me, I will COME TO YOUR HOUSE and I will CUT YOU WITH A SPORK.

when you know what you know is what i know not, then please know how to make me know without making me know how i am inept in knowledge. I know this isn’t a question, but it’s questionING, so I’m putting it here. I’m sorry you think you’re inept in knowledge. I’m sure you’re not. I bet you’re lovely. This is a very confusing sentence. Can you imagine having to diagram it? I have no answers for this. I just thought it was kind of awesome. You’re welcome, I’m gonna make you a big big stahhhh.

where are cake dammit? SHIT I WISH I KNEW. If I knew where cake are dammit, I would EAT that cake. WITH MY FACEHOLE. DAMMIT WHERE ARE CAKE? Now I WANT cake. Oh, wait, I know where are cake. CAKE ARE AT GROCERY STORE. Let’s go get cake! And EAT cake! With FACEHOLES! You’re welcome, you can have my frosting.

Here are cake! Dammit!

why did she say that to me crying at the computer? Did she say something to you, or did she say “crying at the computer” to you? This is written confusingly. I don’t know WHAT she said to you, but I’m going to assume it made you cry at your computer? Don’t let it get you down, Sadpants McGillicutty. There are a lot of fish in the sea. With their fishiness and their pretty fishy eyes. One of those fish will be YOUR fish. Promise. Don’t be sad. You’re welcome, I feel kind of bad about this.

why people don’t talk about chupacabras anymore? Hee! Well, I can tell you how Dad would answer this one. THE GOVERNMENT THE GOVERNMENT! I still talk about chupacabras. Am I not supposed to be doing this? Is it not the it thing to do anymore or something? Man. I hate to be uncool. You’re welcome, glad I can be your source for all things Mexican-goat-sucker related.

And we’ve wrapped up another month of questions! Wasn’t that something? Sure it was! Something SPECIAL. We shared something there, you and I. EW NOT THAT DING DONG JOE PUT THAT AWAY.

Until next month – may your questions be answered and your searches bring you somewhere helpful, like here, or elsewhere. But I can’t guarantee your results elsewhere, my little gumdrops. You might get ANSWERS, sure. But will they be HELPFUL? Will they be AWESOME and HELPFUL? OK, fine, they MIGHT. But I’ll be sad you’re gone. Don’t make me sad. Don’t you even.