An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 17)

Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:

November! What a month it has been. SO MANY THINGS HAVE HAPPENED. Just SO many things. November has been very very good to me, jellybeans. I know most people are not fans of November because it’s all cold and dreary and almost winter and shit but as of right now, November, you’ve got my vote for month of awesomeness. I kind of love you.

Oh, this makes me laugh. THOSE EYES ARE HAUNTING ME!

This month’s searches ran the gamut. Lots of funniness. And LOTS of perviness. Like, so much I had to delete a lot of it. Because it was JUST TOO ICKY. Can you even imagine? Something TOO OFF-LIMITS? I know. It was that gross. STOP THAT DING DONG JOE. You, too,  Pervy Pete. I know it was you guys. Cut that right out. There’s a TIME and a PLACE. (No, wait, I take that back, there’s never a time or a place. Stop expecting there to be a time or a place. It isn’t going to happen.)

In case you’re new, let me catch you up on this recurring post.  I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (this is the seventeenth one. As you can tell from the title. Seventeenth one! WHOA. Stop and soak that in for a minute. THAT IS A LONG TIME! Can you even imagine how long that’s been? It kind of boggles the mind. Search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? Oh, I don’t know. Why does anyone do anything? I mean, I could lie and say it’s to make the world a better place, but mostly it’s to entertain the shit out of myself. As are most things I do, really.

So I’m going to break you down into categories and address you in groups. Oh, stop complaining, I can hear you from here. If I didn’t do that, this post would be even LONGER. No one wants that, now do they? Well, some people might, I suppose, but they’re certainly in the vocal minority.

Category the First: So Mad!

asshole hit and ran my car and no one see it
i dont like anyonetouching my neck. it makes me cranky

I’m sorry someone hit-and-ran you. That sucks. I was totally pissed when it happened to me, too. Your insurance might be able to help. Not sure, but maybe.

I don’t like anyone touching me at ALL and it makes me cranky, but your neck is very specific. Necks (when touched by the RIGHT person) are a very NICE place to be touched, actually. Are strangers touching your neck? That’d make me crankypantsed, too. But someone GOOD touching your neck will give you nice shivers. Promise.

Category the Second: NO NO NO

ventriloquist under control of cute giggling dummy doll boy

No dummies are cute. NONE. There’s no such THING. Argh. You have given me the shivers. This time, the BAD shivers.

Category the Third: Aw!

all of the rainbows
book page with christopher robins quote if there’s ever a tomorrow when we are not together          

All of the rainbows! Every last one!

The entire quote is “If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together…there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart…I’ll always be with you.” Which makes me weepy. And think of some people. Shut up, I know it’s sappy, I don’t even care. Thank you, lost searcher, I kind of needed this today.

Category the Fourth: A thing for The Nephew!

diesel 10        (5)

Sorry. This thing is clearly infested by a demon.

Five people came here looking for Diesel 10, which is The Nephew’s scariest train. In news of interestingness, I actually talked to Mom about The Nephew and Diesel 10 today, and she said he is no longer afraid of Diesel 10. She and The Nephew had a talk about how Diesel 10 was just a bully, and even though we don’t LIKE bullies, we don’t need to be SCARED of them. The Nephew seemed to agree with this so now he’s grudgingly ok with that scary old Diesel 10. HOWEVER, he is scared of a “monster” in one of the Thomas books. “There’s a monster in a Thomas book?” I asked Mom. “What kind of books are you reading my little guy?” She laughed. “No, the trains all think it’s a monster, but it ends up being a hedgehog. But The Grandson is so scared of that book we can’t read it anymore.”

Aw! The Nephew! Hedgehogs aren’t scary. They are AWESOME!

WEE BEBEH HEDGER! Aw, come on. NOT SCARY!

Category the Fifth: Hee!

“johnny has two batshit daddies”
audrey hepburn annoying
blergh constellation
boo you ghost
cake that looks like people
chinchilla happy birthday andrea
classy velociraptors
crazy perverted things listed on craigslist
deborah ann woll tattoos
did i piss you off off off
don’t touch me i’m crabby
eighties feather roach clips
fat murderer
fuck this i’ll be a stripper
funny semicolon jokes
grouse poop
obama wearing floaties
odins hounds tattoos
scary comma
the tv men are certainly more important than the newspapermen which is undoubtedly true but they are certainly more noisy  
this friendship will end to sex ultimately

There were a LOT of funny searches this month. A LOT. You all cracked my shit UP, yo.

TWO batshit daddies! Poor kid. That’s a double-whammy.

I don’t think Audrey Hepburn is annoying, I just hate that terrible Breakfast at Tiffany’s movie. Audrey was actually quite charming.

OMG. the Blergh Constellation. You know how people have a constellation that is like their guiding star? Mine is most definitely the Blergh Constellation. I LOVE THIS.

Boo, you ghost. BOO YOU BASTARD.

Soylent cake is people! IT’S PEOPLE!!!!

GAH WTF NO

Chinchilla happy birthday Andrea made me laugh. Were you expecting to find a picture of a chinchilla holding a “Happy Birthday Andrea” sign? That’s pretty specific. And, I’d think, unlikely.

Here are some birthday chinchillas, Andrea. It is the best I can do.

Would a classy velociraptor wear like spats or something? A monocle?

I’m fairly sure 99% of things on Craigslist are crazy and/or perverted. Searching for this seems kind of like a waste of your time.

Are you looking for tattoos ON Deborah Ann Woll or tattoos OF Deborah Ann Woll? The first is sad, the second is WORRISOME.

You did not piss me off off. Don’t worry worry.

I need a “don’t touch me, I’m crabby” t-shirt. And maybe a tattoo. And possibly it emblazoned on a business card.

Oh, I so had 80s feather roach clips. Only, they weren’t for roaches. We wore them in our HAIR. Like PRETTY LADIES. Mine were TURQUOISE feathers. With white leather bits. SO PRETTY BAM!

I bought ’em at the county fair so you KNOW they’re classy.

Aw, listen, don’t stigmatize the murderer. Maybe if you didn’t keep calling him fat, he wouldn’t be so stabby. Did you ever think of THAT? DID YOU? Well now you have.

“Fuck this, I’ll be a stripper.” I like that someone typed this into Google. DON’T GIVE UP HOPE, JELLYBEAN!

Hee! Both funny semicolon jokes AND scary commas!

I couldn’t find any scary commas but I found this necklace so someone buy it for me ok thanks bye.

Grouse poop! Let’s see if I can find a photo of grouse poop.

Look, now we can TRACK GROUSE.

Obama wearing floaties? I don’t…why? OK, I’ll look for you. I’m helpful.

I couldn’t find one. I assume that’s because Obama’s a grown-ass man and doesn’t need floaties? But here’s a cat with a lifejacket that made me laugh like a loon, so that’s ok.

Odin’s hounds tattoos? Hmm.

Here is Odin. With his ravens and his hounds. I’m a little jealous of Odin, he has excellent pets. His hounds are named either Geri and Freki or Gere and Freke (Andreas would know, I bet) and those names mean “the greedy” and “the voracious” which makes me smile.

I don’t know what this newspapermen/tv men sentence is, but it seems a well-thought-out argument. NICE JOB YOU.

WHOSE friendship will “end” to sex ultimately? Ours? I don’t even know who you are. I don’t do the unskinny bop with strangers. ANYMORE. Don’t be getting any ideas, babydoll.

Category the Sixth: Pervy people are pervy.

“porno pros” awesome charlie
……………………………………………………………………… bobbitt porn movies
balloon sluts
busty woman pulling down underwear in front of door
how enjaculation happen of ladies with digram
learning the body game board
merka hot animal porn
mrs griswold nude
roxxxy sex doll         13

I like that “porno pros” is in quotes. That IS awesome, Charlie.

ALL THE DOTS! Then, as if an addendum: bobbitt porn movies. This made me giggle.

I would think whatever a balloon slut is, it’s squeaky and likely to pop. If it’s anything else, I do not want to know. I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW, I SAID.

If you’re going to search for something pervy, I guess be as specific as you need to be. Not just a woman takin’ off her dainties; oh, no, that’s not enough for you. She’s gotta be BUSTY. Also, there needs, for some reason, to be a door involved.

“Enjaculation!” “Digram!” I’m not going to answer this. Learn to spell first and get back to me.

A game board about how to learn the body? Is it like Twister? Or Operation? This can’t end well.

ZOMG YOU GUYS SEXOPOLY. This is a THING. This makes me laugh. I don’t think playing a game can make sex sexier, right? Someone play this and get back to me on that.

OMG MERKA hot animal porn. I don’t want any of that YERP hot animal porn. They don’t know how I like it.

If you don’t know Beverly D’Angelo’s real name you don’t get to see her nude. Them’s the rules, darlin’. I don’t make ’em, I just report ’em.

Beverly D’Angelo is DISGUSTED by your insinuations. JUST DISGUSTED.

Why are 13 people all of a sudden searching for the Roxxy sex doll when I posted about that back in April? Was there a Black Friday sexxxy sale or something?

Category the Seventh: YUM

benedict cumberbatch french accent
young handsome veterinarian
richie tenenbaum short hair

My Cumberbatch is sexy enough with his British accent. I can’t even imagine how sexy with a FRENCH accent. OOH LA LA OUI JE NE REGRETTE RIEN.

Is it time for Season Three yet, my love?

True story: the last time I went to the vet, my vet was IRISH. And SO HANDSOME. He called me “luv” throughout the examination, and I kind of wanted him to examine me as well as Dumbcat. But not in a vet-way. In a NAUGHTY EUPHEMISTIC WAY. Sigh.

I love The Royal Tenenbaums more than most anything, and that one scene where Luke Wilson is all “I’m going to kill myself tomorrow” gets me sobbing EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Also, the gravestone KILLED me. I cried so hard in the theater people thought I was having a SEIZURE.

Category the Eighth: Things for Ken

“i don’t know the rules of bon vivantery. he has far more experience with it than i.”    
heathen kenway
i am coming tomorrow back to germany          
lightsaber euphemism      
owl innuendos
very dumb goat

Whoa, Ken, it’s a banner month for you here at the Football! YOU GOT SIX SEARCHES! I’m gonna start charging you rent. I’ll take euros, I suppose. I mean, if it’s all you have.

Ken DOES have far more experience than I with bon vivantery. Also, that’s a direct quote from one of my posts, why are you so weird?

I don’t exactly know if “heathen kenway” is a Ken thing, but I’ve decided it is. The Heathen Ken Way! Starring Ken as…Ken! It would be a very good inspirational program. Probably airing on Sundays right after the televised masses that old people watch. Ken would, like, ramble around, and tell stories, and be bon vivanty, and people would be inspired to ALSO be heatheny. And Ken-like. I’d totally watch that, yo.

“I am coming tomorrow back to Germany” sounds very proper and like it’s from a letter between old-timey people. I like it much much.

Both euphemism AND innuendo! Oh, Ken. This is really your month. Lightsaber seems beneath you, though. Who can’t come up with a lightsaber euphemism? Owl innuendo, though. That one’s a little harder. That one’s more Ken-worthy. What do you think, Ken? Have any owl innuendos up your sleeve? Or anywhere else on your person?

Come on, Ken. What d’ya got?

Very dumb goat. Don’t be insulting goats. Ken is OF the goats, lost searcher. That’s just mean. No one’s allowed to be mean to Ken. Not on my watch. I’m super-protective.

Don’t worry, Ken. I’ve got your back.

Category the Ninth: Famous people

anastasiya shpagina 59
jeff goldblum            5
peter sagan sexy    

Last month 104 people wanted the Barbie girl and this month only 59, so that’s nice. Less people are being weirdos. FIVE PEOPLE, however, are ignoring our warnings in the bon vivant stories and are searching for Jeff Goldblum. Well, when he attempts to eat your SOUL, don’t even say we didn’t tell you he was evil. And, yes. Peter Sagan (who I like to call Karl Sagan in order to make my dad yell at me NO NO NO AMY!) is VERY sexy.

He made watching umpteen hours of the Tour de France with Dad when I went home this summer totally ok. LOOK AT THESE EYES. I am such a sucker for pretty eyes. Sigh.

Category the Tenth: HELLO FOREIGN FRIENDS!

Мастурбатор (wanker in Serbian!)
نونو نونو يا بغل (um…Nuno Nuno O mule in Arabic? I don’t know.)

So I got a Serbian search and an Arabic search. Both of which are pretty pretty languages, look at them! Look at that letter in that Serbian word that’s like a b AND a 6! Only what they’re searching for…I can’t help you with these things. Sorry.

“Nuno Nuno O mule” did make me laugh, though. Like a whole lot. It sounds like a song you would sing to your mule on the way to the fields, or something. It’s kind of awesome.

Category the Eleventh: I don’t…this is a thing?

sores from holding hedgehogs    
sugar gliders carry typhus

I looked up the hedgehog thing and there was NOTHING. Are you attempting to spread urban legends about hedgies? I don’t care for that. You stop that. Hedgehogs are WONDERFUL. They don’t give you SORES.

You dummy. I don’t give people SORES.

Also, no correlation between (per what I could find with a cursory Google search, anyway) sugar gliders and typhus. Why are you spreading false info? Andreas would HATE that you are doing that. He does not like fake sciencing.

Why you tellin’ people I got typhus? MEAN.

There you go, November! You are soon to be in our rearviews, and DECEMBER will be upon us, with all of the trappings of THAT month. HERE WE GO DECEMBER I WILL RULE YOU!

Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.

Love, Me.

(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)